Praying to Accept Him as A Friend If That Is What God Wants I just found out recently that this Christian guy that I had developed a close friendship with, does not want to pursue a relationship with me. You know deep in my heart, I knew no romantic relationship was going to come out of it, but I couldnt' help but hope for something. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never really seriously been with a guy. I have only ever had men (older men) hit on me, but I have never had a real relationship. Earlier this year I came close to being involved with an older man just because I was so lonely and he was the only one paying me attention. I was going to do something sinful with him, but I couldnt' go through with it because I knew it would jepardize my relationship with the Lord. It was around this time that I met this Christian guy and we became friends. He would call me and we'd talk a couple hours every week, we'd email eachother. I wasn't initially that attracted to him, but I grew to love the attention/attachment that came with having him as a friend and I enjoyed it. He wasn't like the other guy, he didn't pressure me sexually, he didn't ask much of anything and we talked about th bible alot. I confided in him about certain issue with my family and he did the same. I really thought of him as a friend, but he recently told me that he just wanted to be friends. I felt as if he was playing with my heart. Why would he initiate all this contact and get me emotionally attached to him if he didn't want anything serious with me??? I was really angry and hurt that he would play with me like that. Although I knew in my heart that I probably wasn't ready for a relationship with a guy, I couldn't help but feel that the reason he didn't like me was because he thought I was ugly or because I was too fat because right now I've gained 25lbs. I just felt like my self esteem was under attack. I have struggled with my self image my whole life and I just felt like he was like all the other guys who've hurt me Christian or not. Even though I didn't really think anything would come of the friendship, it was still nice to have someone who I could talk to and not worry about him just trying to use me for sex. I guess it just felt good. But when he stopped calling me after we met and talked for nearly five hours and when he just stopped paying me the attention he used to, I really really felt hurt and angry! I didn't go off on him in anger or anything, but I didn't confront him about why he stopped calling and he basically said he just wanted to be friends and he wasnt' sure that anything more was going to happen between us and there no point in talking to eachother like we used to. Now I thought he was my friend and everything and I had some attachment to him, so I got very very angry. I called him an idiot (behind his back) and i just felt really insulted and hurt. But after church today, I am trying to make peace with this. He said he still wanted to "keep in touch," and I honestly didn't plan to continue talking to him because of how he just dropped me like a sack of potatoes. i was going to block him from my email and take him phone number out of my cell. But, what I am leanring is that. I have self esteem problems. I didn't really like this guy romantically, I just liked the attention he gave me. I did value his friendship, but it was just a vanity thing. When he told me he wanted a friendship nothing more, it hurt me because of my self-esteem issue. I felt like he was rejecting me (romantically) because he thought I was ugly or fat. I am starting to understand that i can't be in a relationship with any man until I learn to develop my relationship with Christ better. If its in God's will for me to only be friends with this guy, then I shouldn't hold that against anyone. He is a nice guy and whether he did me right or not, he didn't help me in a way. He helped steer me back in the direction of Christ and inspired me to work harder at my relaitonship with God. He kept me from making a huge mistake with the older man who just wanted sex from me. Perhaps that is the sole reason that God allowed us to meet eachother. At the same time though, I need to learn to be by myself with God and me and connect with him before I even think of entering into a relationship with a man. I need to learn to love myself because God made me perfect in his image. I need to learn to stop using other to validate my worth. If it is in God's will, he WILL send me the right man in his own time, not mine. If its not in his will for me to be with someone, then he has even greater plans for me and I need to trust him. I wasn't ready to be in the relationship with the guy and my motives were not in the right place. Although he was nice and helped steer me towards God, I still was seeking validation from a human instead of God. Maybe this is why God ordered things to happen this way because I need to break ties with him and only be dependent on God first and foremost. So, I am making peace w/ the fact that he may always just be a friend, I may not be his type and he may find someone else and I hope w/e happens he finds happiness. I will keep in touch with him. I'm not going to block him or be bitter and I am not holding grudges, I am making peace. I just wanted to share this long story because I am learning to depend on Christ for everything. If he feels I shouldn't be in a relationship with someone, I need to accept that and I forgive those who hurt me.