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Please Help! I Need Advice

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Tegzz, Oct 18, 2013.

  1. I've been with my bf for about a year plus now. Over this time, he's pressured me into doing stuff I never really wanted but now find hard to resist. For love for him and fear of losing him, I gave in. We haven't been involved in the real act but we have committed sexual sins. What's worse is how easily this comes by--phone sex--and its the most rampant of them. We can avoid the rest by hanging out in public and all. But in our desperate rooms we're acting out.

    I know he loves me deeply. But I'm not comfortable with this. I've tried leaving him several times but the loneliness I felt made my addiction to solo sex worse. For now my local church is not helping, just a group of holier-than-thous forever keeping up with the Joneses. I must say I was totally grateful when I found this site. I don't have any other close friend for now and none potential unless guys. My bf means so much to me and this is the only issue we have. I wonder why we are not making through.

    The other thing that bothers me is, when we fall, he seems to take it as something normal. When I ask why, he says he's offended God too many times, he's too ashamed to go back. When I want us to discuss practical measures we can take to curb this, he maintains this offhand attitude and sometimes gets offended. Sometimes, we make resolves never to but willpower's never strong enough. Other parts of his life to me do not reflect that of a true believer. It wasn't like this when we started or maybe he just used words to cover up the true state of his heart.

    Funny enough this relationship wasn't meant to last this long. He was to go study overseas 6mths after we started dating. I believed I'd be able to resist that long and truly I did. But one thing always comes up and a year and 7mths later we are still not certain. He always claims its his father delaying things one way on the other. Only God knows how much longer he'd be here and how much longer I can stand. I do not want to go into deeper sexual bondage.

    Currently, I'm seeking liberation from what I've already gotten myself into. But as long as I'm with him, progress seems too hard. Can I make him start living out his Christianity? If yes, how? Or do I leave, if yes, how will I cope with the loneliness?

    Please help
  2. Loneliness can be hard to deal with. I would suggest finding some Bible believing Christian friends that I could turn to for support if at all possible. You do not need to be with someone who is only dragging your spiritual life down. I know what you are going through, having been through much of similar nature when I was your age. The key is to keep focusing on Christ and trusting God. If you seek him, he will lead you to the person that is right for you, if that is his will. I was single for a much longer time than what I wanted to be, but God had a plan. I am today married to a Christian woman who is very supportive of me and a real blessing. You need to wait for someone who will take a place of spiritual headship. Waiting on God can be very hard. I know all about that. But when you find God's plan, you will see why God allowed things to happen as they did.

    And do not cling to guilt for what has already happened. Bring it to Christ and leave it there. I John 1:9

    'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.'
  3. O Mr Darby, thanks. I know this is the right thing to do. But its so hard to walk out on someone who's done nothing else but love you. For now, he's running his father's business and doesn't have time for church except on Sundays. Its just the way things are in their family. I keep nursing hope that maybe when he's travelled and has time for himself he will draw closer to God and get spiritually equipped. i guess that nothing but an excuse though. Bottom line is, I haven't been able to convince myself to leave him again over this same issue.

    You're right about the church but for now, school's not in session so I'm stuck in my home church and I do not see them as people I can confide in or get any kind of support from.

    I haven't been in my current school for up to a year so I haven't found any Christian friends that can support me yet.

    O! I wish he'd be committed to changing. I wish we can heal together. Or if I must go, I wish I'd find the strength to walk away. God is my relationship/friendship manager. I've watched him countless times take people away from my life. I don't know why he's keeping us together.

    The way we have been able to love and tolerate each other, to me, is divine. I didn't add, he came into my life at a very trying period. His word s encouraged me to find my way back to God and seek him again. He inspires me to be a better person. God used him to work in my life. I feel its the devil and us working against God's plan which is a holy"us". Do you think this line of thought is reasonable?
  4. I am guessing either get married or don't be alone with him would be your options if you truly want to 'do right'. Only spend time with him when you are supervised by someone you would not be lewd around....

    Or dump him completely....

    So God leaves you with 3 doors to do right; or do you continue to take the broad path to destruction.
  6. Thanks Bro Mike. Like I wrote earlier, our chief problem that seems to have defied all possible solutions is phone sex. We both sleep alone in our rooms. Because of work and family, night's the only time we talk without distraction. God forbid that we continue on the braodway. One of the reasons i joined this forum was so wonderful brothers and sisters could help me with a solution to this, if any. Thanks all
  7. Well your young and hor.. eh hem...'hormonal'. Sex is not a bad thing-when done in a sanctified relationship. Let me tell you a little secret; I am old old enough to be your father-and thus far-IT NEVER GETS ANY EASIER!

    So if you want to be a Godly helpmeet to your possible future husband-whether this one is the one or not-you need to make a choice to keep pure in all ways: physical, verbal, dress, body language.... don't lead him into sin through your sin.

    When you get married install a jungle gym in the bedroom if that's what your into-but before that YOU BOTH need to exercise some control-or get married -'lest you burn for one another in lust'.

    Be a Proverbs 31 gal-a treasure worth finding.

    10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

    11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

    12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

    13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

    14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

    15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

    16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

    17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

    18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

    19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

    20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

    21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

    22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

    23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

    24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

    25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

    26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

    27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

    28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

    29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

    30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

    31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
    Tegzz likes this.
  8. On a side note: marriages fail because there is no spiritual union between the husband and wife. We tend to follow the world's example of the 'flesh' and do what "feels good". In a Godly marriage two saved people who are following Christ FIRST and pursuing each other spiritually SECOND will out live the TEMPORARY flesh attraction and live a God blessed life 'till death do you part' AND you will reap your reward in heaven for doing so. AND you will you save yourself from a lot of brought upon yourself heartache from being disobedient and rebellious to God's Word.

    That doesn't mean you will live the happily ever after Hollywood romance-you will fight and get mad at each other. It's how you handle those things as CHRISTIANS that makes all the difference from the world.

    Your generation is not taught these principles (neither was mine). Largely because we may have to bring up....shhhhhhhh..sex!

    The world says follow your feelings/ your flesh first.

    God says seek after the Spirit first-'seek first the Kingdom of heaven' and God will make sure you get a spouse you are willing to die with.
    Tegzz likes this.
  9. Lolz @ "young and hormonal"
    Bro Mike, you really do have a point about me not leading him to sin. I have done a review and truly, I haven't been modest enough especially in my dressing. Conversation-wise, I know what turns him on. Now I shall avoid such.

    I'd say you just made me see this thing in a different light. Its all about me-- the signals I send, the conversations I permit. If I can start the change, he'd follow suit or get fed up and leave.

    You all please pray for me. Suddenly, I believe I can seperate my sex life and spirituality from his. Once again, I am very grateful to God I found this site since here I can draw strength from the lives and words of other believers. Now I have family.

    God bless you, Bro Mike and Mr. Darby
    Brother_Mike_V and Mr. Darby say Amen and like this.
  10. I'll pray for you Tegzz.
    Brother_Mike_V likes this.
  11. That's what we are here for...learn from our mistakes...eh hem...experience.... ;)
  12. ditto
  13. Notes for your future relationship with your husband from a guys point a view:

    Be Esther in the public eye...Delilah in the bedroom

    'Discretion' when used properly can lead to healthy martial relations later on....
  14. :) Thank you both. Bro Mike, lolz...every bit taken. Funny enough, I understand

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