Over Protective Mother?

Discussion in 'New Members Welcome' started by James123456, Mar 30, 2014.

  1. I just need to get this out there while its still fresh. I am currently visiting a family member and am staying in the guest room. I had come down here after losing my job and having a slight fall out with the girlfriend. We have had our fights here and there as all relationships do. The girlfriend and I had started talking again throughout my "vacation" here. The trip was meant for me to clear my head and just get a change of scenery. My parents were nice enough to drop me here and head back home till it was time for me to head home.

    Today is the last day I am here and my parents had come down to hang/take me back home. We did some running around and at some point my dad had seen a text from my girlfriend that had mentioned her wanting to see me. The message was displayed on my screen as the phones tend to do now. He decided not too long ago to tell my mother about the text. Mind you not the slightest mention of any kind was made to me about him seeing the text. My mother immediately gets up and they both walk half way across the house to come talk to me about it. This house isn't very small, to get to the room I'm in two flights of stairs must be climbed.

    The conversation was hostile right off the bat. Started with a (from my mother) "I was told you got a text from Jackie saying "I want to see you? "Whats that about?" In a very aggressive manner. And now I shut down, turn on the ears, tighten the tounge and my mind goes wild. I answer with a studdery voice, "yeah..we're talking now" (The impression to them was that we were broken up). I will now begin to summarize a lot of the conversation while trying to keep all important details intact. The conversation was very uncomfortable at first, it wasn't something I wanted to deal with moments before I had intended to go to sleep. Questions based around why we (Jackie & I) were talking and how it came about went on, I answered (sort of) and I conclude that I don't want to talk about it or continue the conversation anymore. Of course the request was denied, I kept insisting the conversation stop but they insisted that it continue. So I resorted to one of my great assets, and just stopped talking despite them asking questions. Kept saying I didn't want to talk and when they asked why I answered simply because I just didn't want to. Didn't think I needed to express anything else, I felt I was entitled to not take part in a conversation at that moment, even stated we could talk about it the next day. But I was "being disrespectful", maybe I was, on the other hand I didn't want to talk and have that conversation at the moment, and I thought I had a right to. They stayed where they were and by force, the conversation continued.

    So I begin to talk and answer their questions (because what choice did I have really without seeming like a complete...jerk) They asked questions like what makes her so special?, and why do you like her so much? There was lots of silence on my part, seeing as I'm not much of a talker. But there was a moment where I simply could not speak, I began rubbing my hands, my mind went completely blank, and it felt like my tongue had filled my entire mouth. I was in this trance like state for quite sometime. I had hoped they would notice, maybe it was more extreme in my mind. Nonetheless they just kept asking the same question thinking I was ignoring them as I had done before (probably my fault for doing that earlier). I was finally able to calm myself and speak. I gave my answer and it wasn't enough for them. They had asked why she was so special to me, I had answered she made me feel special, she thought of me and brought me unexpected gifts, did the little things for me, and a cliche she makes me laugh. I'm not very good at expressing myself 1 and 2 I'm not very good at listing the sentimental things on the spot in a situation and I just don't want to be in. They of course stated that anyone can be that for me. I personally believe that argument can be made about anyone person in any kind of relationship on this earth right now. That you can list the best things about your best friend/spouse and out of the billions of people on this earth find at least one person that can do the same thing as your best friend/spouse. But that's besides the point I suppose and I never stated that because that's just what I do. I just can't bring myself to speak my mind especially in front of my parents because of some irrational fears that I can't get over. There was some more talk about how she doesn't care about me and how she disrespects me since she disrespected my mom. She (my mom) blames my girlfriend for all the tension going on, essentially called her a demon and made it a point to say that if I don't "fix" this she will make sure that it ends. She went as far as to sound extremely (and this is by no means an exaggeration) threatening about it as well. She said "if she (Jackie) doesn't stop f***ing with you, I will make sure she will" the tone was extremely threatening and I'm really really not sure what she meant by that. In terms of the "if she doesn't stop...messing with you", She believes my girlfriend to be manipulating me and just using me to get what she wants. Since my girlfriend has "nothing going for her and need to grow up" mind you, my gf has a job and is in college. She clearly has a hell of a lot more going for her now than I do.

    I was basically told to break up with my girlfriend or my mother will make sure that I break up with her. So there's really no option for me here. Based on the fact that my parents don't think she's good for me. Since they love and care for me so much, they are highly recommending by just short of holding a gun to my head that I get rid of her. At one point the only thought through my mind was move out, move out, move out, move out, move out. She asked where her little boy went and stated that I was a good kid. I wanted to say he grow up, but I felt as if I might as well spit in her face. But maybe that's the fear thinking for me? I took note of the words "boy" and "kid" being used. Maybe I'm looking too into it or maybe I'm right. maybe its because she's refusing to realize I have to grow up one day and not need/want her protection. She left and it was just my dad and I. He finished things off by asking if I had trusted him, stating that he'd always be there and that he's never steered me wrong. Although these things may be true. Its not a matter of taking some advice, its a matter of fulfilling the demands of my mother.

    They say its out of love and care that they are basically forcing this decision on me. My question is, is it really? Is it really out of love that you force someone to take advice? I understand that they may have the insight, what if they're wrong? Do you force you're 23 year old son/daughter to break up with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend because you believe she/he is not good for them? Now one could say I'm taking this too far but the way I see it is.. Was God not loving/caring when he allowed Adam n Eve to take the fruit? He warned them..but let them do it, Was he not loving when he let Moses strike the rock that banished him from the promise land? Warned him..but didn't stop his hand. When he allowed Peter to chop the ear of the soldier? Could he have not said, Peter, I know what you're thinking....don't do it. Or even stopped him when he lunged for the attack? Why didn't he bind up Lucifer before he could convince 1/3 of the angels and have the chance to destroy creation? Is this line of thinking ok? Am I just throwing a hissy fit?

    I'm very tired and need to be up in a couple of hours. I may add some details when/if I remember any that I think are important. Or if anyone sees a hole in the story or feels if I'm not giving the whole thing please ask away.
     
  2. No offense taken at all. If I'm honest I'd have to say its not as important as it should be right now. I understand that a sincere walk with Christ will indeed cause conflict within her Catholic beliefs and even some/dare I say most Christians (including myself). If I had to answer that last question based on how I am right now....I'm just not sure.
     
  3. Maybe that's the reason you came to this forum? I hope you would consider what you have just said in honesty and with that same honesty go reason with the Lord ? Do you not owe it to yourself and what you claim to believe to search out why you would be willing to disobey God for sake of a woman? Maybe God is not as real to you as He once was and this young lady is very real to you? No if you don't answer this question, all the money and all the freedom of this world with all the pretty girls will have no value to you in the end. But if you can go to God in this honesty and let Him search your heart? Then you will have attained a level of maturity that few have ever known. Your problem and your answer have nothing to do with your mom or this girl, its about you and Jesus and who He is to you. May God deal with you in His kindness and may you always walk in His ways.
     
  4. Your mom sounds extremely controlling and of course she wants the best for you. However, i believe you're right that at 23 , you are accountable for your own choices in life. It sounds like your mom puts you through an interrogation where it feels threatening to you and is obviously upsetting you. Guidance and concern should be given in love. As much as she loves you, it is coming across in a very controlling manner and i believe this could be detrimental and even push you and girlfriend closer together and that wouldn't necessarily be for the right reasons , if done in that way.

    I'm very loving to my kids and would want to teach, guide and advise them in love and always be there for them. This is not saying your mom doesn't have your best interest at heart, it's obvious she do. It's just getting across to you that is the difficult part, some people are very hard-strict, that 's just the way they are! And probably how they've been brought up themselves. I'd show your mom respect and let her know that you love her but you must be allowed to make choices in life and learn yourself. Tell her you don't know where your realtionship is leading but you are just friends and perhaps it's a good idea to just be friends to get to know each other more. And that's what dating is supposed to be right, to talk and get to know the other person without jumping into anything you will regret and sacrificing your relationship with God. God will bring the right person into your life when the time is right. There is no rush, at only 23, this is a time when you should focus on the Lord more for your lige. There are many temptations and you want to be a man of God and keep your integrity.
     
  5. James, I believe I understand how you feel. As for people telling you to move out, they don't know how hard that is if your parents don't want that and never equipped you to deal with life on your own. I'm not saying that is the case for you, but it was for me. If I said anything my mother didn't like she would write a speech for me and make me stand on the fireplace in front of family and sometimes neighbors to recite what she had written. It was often full of stuff to embarrass me. I was called retarded and constantly compared to other kids my age. I wasn't allowed to spend the night with friends and she didn't like any friends I ever brought over. My mother never let me manage my bank account and stole thousands of dollars from me and had the nerve to tell me about it with a smile on her face as she kicked me out of the house with no money when I was eighteen.

    That may not seem relevant, but my mother kicked me out because I refused to break up with my girlfriend, who is now my wife. My mother doesn't talk to me anymore and my old family was shattered. The relationship with my dad is strained and I have no relationship with my mother.

    Mothers are supposed to worry about their children and protect them, but there's a difference between that and being overbearing. I didn't understand why she did the things she did until I read an article about mothers with narcissistic personality disorder, and then everything made sense.
    http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

    Send me a pm if you would like to talk. Maybe your mother isn't like mine and I'm just reading into your post too much. I do that on occasion. Just read the traits in the link and let me know what you think.
     

  6. All of this sounds so very familiar. My Darling Husband have lived this. His Mother was in total control. Complained about the church I went to.... exact same denomination! I attended church with my husband for a year prior to our Wedding... Our Pastor talked with his mother 4 times, concluded she was a hypocrite. Anyways it didn't have to be like this, we did EVERYTHING we could. His mother was overly attached to my husband and wouldn't have peace! It was and is very horrid to live this out.

    My Husband is God's choice for our lives...

    We have now been married near 14 years, our lives are blessed.

    Nothing, no contact what so ever with his family.... it really is heartbreaking.

    All or any of this could or never be something you will ever face.

    What does seem certain is that at some point you are going to need to take a stand with your mother... She doesn't seem to be reasonable. You may need to prepare for the worst outcome... something we and the other poster have faced. Her way or the highway? seem familiar?

    This is very painful....

    23 get your life sorted out, know where you are headed. Get it together for you not your mother. You may never get her approval about anything you choose.

    God Bless you! ALWAYS GOD FIRST...
     

  7. Sending Love <3

    Very likely something you never got from your mother. Your Mother and my Mother in Law could be the same person. The first time I met her she said every shameful thing she could about my husband and dragged out the family pictures to run over it all....

    As hurtful as this is, these women are sick!

    I am so sorry, I understand the pain they cause.

    I found myself out of the house at 16, no money, no idea where I was going to sleep that night either... Yes I really get it!

    Melaine


    I joined this site 2 days ago, makes me wonder, was it just to see this post?
     
  8. My wife and I lived off of two or three packs of noodles a day for a long time. If we got some overtime we could put some meat in the noodles. It sucked but a lot of people have it a lot worse.

    God does all sorts of things so that's possible.

    Welcome to the forum!
     

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