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Our former pastor is getting remarried

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by shell, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. shell

    shell Member

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    Our church pastor of 19 years and his wife divorced 2years ago. this created such heartbreak in the church.He ended up leaving and pastoring another church on the other side of town. It was a terrible time in our church family as many were split. Some who were great friends with the pastor left to stand by him, leaving with bitter feelings that the rest were "judging", those of us who stayed behind were left with the sadness and shame. Shame that we were not praying for our pastor through all of this, shame we didn't protect him, shame we allow more time for him to spend with his family... he was a pastor who just worked and worked, in time though, his personal relationship suffered.

    We as a small group who were left behind, began to reach out to one another, pray together, cry together... we never spoke unkindly. He was never in fact asked to leave, We knew things were going bad, but when someone would ask him about it He would say for us to mind our own business... One day he announced that he and his wife filed for a divorce, and about a month later he left the church.

    We had a temporary pastor for over a year, and after MUCH prayer and healing.... In fact, we found ourselves looking at our own lives, and in so many ways recommitted our lives to God, turning away from sin, forgiving people we realized has brought us deep bitterness. We began to heal. In fact, our church got to the lowest point i believe but that was when we cried out more to God for help. Then suddenly God began to bring families in, He also began to bring lost people into our church... over the course of 6months over 60 people accepted Christ, families moved in and people joined..
    You just don't know how exciting a time it was for us all to see, God beginning to work once again in our church. Then a few months later He brought us a new pastor.......

    Now its been over 21/2years since that day our former pastor left, I received news this week he is remarrying, to a woman who has already been married 3other times....
    We received an invitation in the mail to attend the ceremony.
    My husband wants to attend, he says it is for healing and forgiveness..... but i do not.
    I just don't feel right with it. How can you preach about what God commands yet live your life differently....
    Please don't think I am judging them, I am very torn by this, We have never gossiped about this, in fact, i believe that lack of prayer for and lack of lifting up our Pastor in prayer was our sin..... I hold no ill feelings, yet just don't feel like I should stand in support. I feel maybe a card to acknowledge I received an invitation and to thank them for wanting to include us would be better.

    I know God forgives us of our sins. And I know we aren't to go around pointing out others sins to them, and I am sure some on this blog have been divorced and remarried so they may have a different view as well.

    I was pondering back in forth as to what to do when I received an email just a day ago which has a devotion attatched, in it is mentioned divorce and remarrying in the church today and that the church is changing their views. That people have changed what is written by God to fit their lifestyle... This helped me in my decision, to not attend.
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  2. Arius

    Arius Inactive

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    I agree with you, that you shouldn't go.

    Our society and our churches need to be more supportive of marriage. Treating the act of remarriage as if there's nothing wrong with it isn't just unbiblical, it's not being supportive of marriage (To wit: don't worry about taking care of the marriage, you can always get another one). The situation is more urgent given that this man is a pastor, a man who has set himself up as a role model for other Christians.

    I'm married, and there's been a couple of times when I've been angry with my wife and the thought crossed my mind that I'm a sucker for sticking to the marriage and trying to make it a happy marriage. Even though women know I'm married, they still flirt with me. I guess all my friends would shower me with gifts at a second wedding. With Christians divorcing at the same high rate as non-Christians, I sometimes get the feeling that no one is rooting for my marriage, or anyone's marriage. So, why not do as others, in 20 years, why not trade my wife in for a younger model?
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  3. Agricola

    Agricola Active Member

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    of course it helps to know the events of the divorce. Some Christians treat me like a leper for being divorced, even when I point out that I divorced my ex wife for adultery they still will not give up thinking that all divorce is bad regardless.
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  4. shell

    shell Member

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    no adultery, as i said before. they divorced because they grew so far apart they didn't even want to look at one another. we could see this for a few years in the church..neither one would sit by the other. they would argue sometimes outwardly in from of people.
    The church offered some years back for him to take a leave of paid absence to mend their relationship,spend time together..at first she asked others to help.. he wouldn't talk, told anyone who asked to back off, stated it wasn't anyones business..in the end, she stopped trying. then bitterness set in and she did nothing but speak how much he degraded every idea she had...
    pride i believe kept him for admitting there was a problem.

    I have prayed for the past 2 years for them to somehow mend their ways, we can say we are sorry, but repenting requires us to go to the very relationship and making it right.
    My former pastor got remarried just a few days ago... it is done. I didn't go, and after talking with my husband and giving it some time.... he also felt he should go either. It would have meant we agree, when we don't.
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  5. KingJ

    KingJ Well-Known Member

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    You did the right thing!

    The Bibles instructions on marriage and divorce are crystal clear. If this pastor can divorce with no adultery and its not like he is a woman getting beaten, he has no excuse. He is not putting God first nor his wife second, he is TOP of his priority list = selfishness / pride = bad Christian.

    By attending, you would have condoned a BIG evil, not getting closure. Getting closure will only have come if he got re-untied with his ex wife that he abandoned!
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  6. Major

    Major Well-Known Member

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    I would agree with my friends here.

    Being divorced does not make him an evil person but by your attendance you are in fact agreeing with his choices whether they be right or wrong.

    Proverbs 24:10-11
    New King James Version (NKJV)

    If you faint in the day of adversity, Your strength is small. Deliver those who are drawn toward death,
    And hold back those stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, “Surely we did not know this,”
    Does not He who weighs the hearts consider it? He who keeps your soul, does He not know it?
    And will He not render to each man according to his deeds?
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  7. Arius

    Arius Inactive

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    It's a safe bet the wife filed for divorce, not him. But, if so, it was his obligation to tell his Congregation that the divorce wasn't his choice.
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  8. KingJ

    KingJ Well-Known Member

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    Good point. I did assume it was him because of how the OP is worded at him.
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  9. shell

    shell Member

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    yes, she did file, and he did tell the church... Following the letter of the law does not set you free. God knows our heart. He knows that holding out until the other finally breaks free does not make you innocent.
    But I guess I have some unhappy memories. I was just hoping and praying for a better ending.
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  10. Andres1986

    Andres1986 Member

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    I might of read somethings wrong here, but in the end didn't your church get stronger though all this? I am not saying divorce is a good thing the Bible is clear on this. It just seems it is between those two and God. I for one am trying to hold a marriage together but it is not looking good. I have learned a lot though it all and if it happens and I get the opportunity to remarry I will apply all that has been learned . growing apart is not what anyone wants and you must try everything not to. At this point in my life I can say this though, many things can be at play. It just seems to me to not support someone once the damage has already happened is kind of like trying to disarm a bomb that has already gone off. At this point it up to God what happens. I mean this with respect but the Holy Trinity is not hiring, all the positions are taking and they lifetime appointments. somewhere in all this extending grace comes up. I for one am glad that ultimate Grace is other Hands. sorry if this seems harsh, it just hit a cord with me due what I am going though.
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  11. shell

    shell Member

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    Andres: Hello.
    I would have rather my church come together in prayer and see them restore their relationship.. there were many couples having marital problems and how easy to follow your leaders example... if the leader gives up on his marriage, then why would anyone else think differently...sometimes working out differences is hard, and painful... easier to just give up and walk away. But when we come to HIM, and humble ourselves, HE can restore us. He will if we are willing to lay down our cross and follow HIM. What a wonderful testimony it would be for the congregation. Yet instead, bitterness, anger, resentment was put in place of the love they had for one another. That is never the right choice.

    It is not just between a pastor and wife and God....It affects the church as well. The Pastor must live out the example He preaches, He must repent and turn away from sin immediately. The church MUST pray for their pastor. They must lift Him up daily, as the devil wants to steal, kill and destroy them, their relationship with God, with their families and with other people.

    You mentioned you are going through a tough time in your marriage. I encourage you to seek Christian counseling. I don't know the circumstance, but seek God for help. His ways are always best, always right. The world would say to just give up...start over... But God's word is clear.
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  12. Andres1986

    Andres1986 Member

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    So, many things I could say..... I know you mean the best and you seem to have a big heart.

    I think the worst thing anyone can do is put someone on a pedestal. that includes pastors. It something I was told as a teen and I have had a lot of time to think about it.

    And as for Christian counseling, I have been. for some time. I was really plugged in to the church we went to but with all that happened I found a new church. that didn't stop the counseling. Here it is though - It is a two way road , and right now the flow of traffic is not working real good. That said the church has not been the most helpful in all this. I could even go as far as to say they have escalated some of the problems.

    I also took the "love and respect ministries" class as well. it is good with a lot to offer, I recommend it. but still the flow of traffic is an issue.

    This is to say the wife may have set the pace. and one thing I have learned in all of this is in church- there is not just two sides but more like twenty by the time some small group finds out.

    Sorry I came off harsh- that was a really bad day. and thank for the advice , it is sound. just wanted you to know it was already in play.
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  13. shell

    shell Member

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    Yes, you are right. I have learned a lot about prayer... many times it can be a good way to spread gossip. I have though, found that when ever you have a specific prayer need, it is important to gather just a few who you know will pray together and what is kept in the prayer group stays in the prayer group...it may be difficult to find those you can trust. Perhaps only 2 or 3 couples you may find in the entire church.....so sad... I have had a few opportunities to do this with others and I have always seen God move.
    When the other person isn't seeking God's leadership, or trying to mend as you are that does prevent movement towards restoration. I am sure I have not given you any advise that you don't already know, or that someone else hasn't already told you. But I will say one other thing...
    What God has put together let no man seperate.. God is bigger than any lie that satan can have you to believe is true. God can and will mend your heart and work on Her heart. Put action to your prayers.. for instance. I want my neighbor to accept Christ....well, my next thought should be to "do something about it". If you want your marriage restored... even if it takes months or years to.... God will. God can put in your heart forgiveness, and a desire to repair your relationship. He promises that if His people will turn from their ways, He will hear, and heal... Do what You need to do to make your relationship better, "put action to your prayer"...and don't lose hope. Then wait, and let God work on Her. He will. Pour out your forgiveness for her. Start today my friend.
    God Bless.
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  14. GrannyG

    GrannyG Member

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    A divorced and remarried man is not to be a leader in the church - pastor, elder. He is to be the husband of one wife. I do not believe that means the husband of one wife "at a time." Simply, one wife. The standards set forth in scripture for marriage and remarriage are higher for pastors. Also, if a man can not manage his own household, how can he lead the household of God.

    Just my thoughts on this issue. It is sad, indeed that this happened to this man and his ministry. Because it hurts not only the people directly involved (the family), but it hurts the cause of Christ.
    #14
    shell likes this.
  15. Andres1986

    Andres1986 Member

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    Forgiveness has been achieved. this thing, this mess., is almost 2 years of a lot of work. Don't let the 1986 send you the wrong signal. That is I meant my wife, it has represented a rebirth for me.. many years in this relationship. So I just felt like adding that. not that I lead a church but I have worked with kids for over 10 years. so there it is, I guess I step down from that completely. Hopefully Jesus can find it in His heart to forgive me for not holding it all together. This weekend seems to only prove it going to end. I feel like God was going to do something on this He would have. I have to believe He has a plan, anything else would be bad. but hey I have gotten a lot of well meaning input on all this. and still find myself standing on the ledge as relates to what is going on. this certainly has been a major learning curve all and all.
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  16. Shopgirl2003

    Shopgirl2003 New Member

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    My husband was married before we got married. His ex wife left him for another man and cleaned out there apartment. there are some cases that you just can't fix, not matter what people think it's not horriable to get divorced. we couldn't get married in a chruch, as soon as they heard divorced they didn't even want to talk to me anymore. it was very unfair, and i was brought up in the chruch and taught to forgive and loves and NOT TO JUDGE.

    As for your pastor, i agree with you that they should have tried harder and he should have stepped down as paster. according to the bible you are not to lead if you get divorced. but i do think not going to his wedding is petty.
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  17. InHisLove

    InHisLove Moderator Staff Member

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    Yes the scripture says 'husband of one wife', but I believe this means one wife at a time.

    “Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well” (1 Timothy 3:12).

    I believe there are too people enforcing too many doctrines today according to man’s interpretations of scripture instead of God’s will. You see my sister is divorced and remarried, but her 2nd husband has only been married to her. He IS the husband of ONE wife as scripture instructs; however because SHE is divorced and remarried his church will NOT allow him to be a deacon or have any ‘position’ of authority. Just my opinion, but I think his church is wrong for that.

    Many Christians have no mercy, and that's why my favorite scripture is 1 Chronicles 16:34 ... "O give thanks unto the LORD; for He is good; for HIS mercy endureth for ever."
    #17
  18. shell

    shell Member

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    Because your brother in law is not able to be a deacon, does not make him unable to serve people in the church. There are 2 ordained people which the bible mentions.. The Pastors and the deacon/elders... they are set apart. You are correct in saying that 1tim and even in titus guidelines for those those men does not specifically state this. But the bible does say that if you marry a wife or if a wife marries a man who has been given to divorce commits adultry. I believe some churches view this as being not set apart. In God's eye, the couple who divorced one another are still married..... Our ways are not His ways...

    I stand with what God says in this matter. It doesn't have anything to do with mercy or forgiveness...He still forgives us when we make mistakes, but He doesn't lighten His word to fit our life one single bit.
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  19. shell

    shell Member

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    I didn't feel good about not going, but I didn't feel good about going. Perhaps it was all just too new to take in. I was sort of at a loss during this time..hurt by all that went on. There were people saying He had an affair to which I just could not believe, but then he married the lady they named as the one he had been seeing.. i don't know. It was a hard time. My absence meant more against the whole situation than to them personally...
    #19

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