Our 34-year Old Child

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by Stoney, May 6, 2012.

  1. I have a 34 yr old daughter, who is now single, mother of 2 boys ages 13 ad 10. She had been renting a home from us until her funds ran out, and we let her live there rent-free for 3 years. We kept thinking she would be able to get a job and pay the payments for this home, and that never happened. She stopped trying to find a job, and didn't mind living off the State. Since we could no longer afford to keep the home without her paying for it, we asked her to move out last year, and she and the boys moved into our basement. She could not stand the idea that we asked where she was going and when she would be back, even as we kept her sons, so she moved back into the house she had left, in pretense of packing her things. She and her boyfriend went to Texas to find work and both came home about $1000 poorer (money which had come from child support and tax refunds). In November last year we finally told her to make up her mind and DO something, so she moved in with her boyfriend and left the boys with us. (She didn't ask if this was an acceptable arrangement, she just left). She supposedly has custody of the boys, and leaves all the decision-making about their activities up to us, unless she has something she wants to do. She does not consult anyone else about plans, she feels extremely put-upon when asked questions, and the idea of helping to financially support her boys is something she rarely thinks of. They boys have been living here over a year, and I am wondering if she has legally abandoned them or not. I also am searching for advice on how to handle all this with her in a manner that will help her grow up.
  2. Stoney, if it were me, I would be more concerned about how my grandsons were dealing with all this than a 34YO. They must be harboring quite a lot of resentment and hurt. What is the situation with their father? Does he have any regular contact with them? The picture you paint of your daughter doesn't show her up in a good light, and perhaps she just needs to drift in the current of life for a time. What about the boys? What sort of relationship do you have with them and how important to you is their well being?
  3. Calvin, first, let me say thank you for replying to my post. The boys are doing as well as can be expected...they miss their mother, but the oldest doesn't want to live with her. The youngest wants her to find a house close to us so they and she can live together in it (no mention of boyfriend or his daughter). The oldest is close to hs father, the youngest is not, and dreads the every-other-weekend required visiation. We are on a cordial basis with their father, our ex-son-in-law. I take them with me to church, and the youngest one is beginning to balk at being told he must go. Our daughter brought them home last night so they could go today. Their grades are improving in school, their attitude is far more relaxed than it used to be when they moved in here, and overall, I think they are better here than they have ever been with either parent.
  4. My apologies for possibly opening old wounds here but how are the boys now? How have things worked out? My mother was pretty neglectful when I was a child and it always hurts to hear about things like this, I worry about the children and how they are coping ...
  5. Thank you so much for thinking of us! It does not open old wounds at all, in fact it is an ongoing part of our lives that our daughter still does not take on her role as mother. The boys are doing pretty well...they still yearn to see her, and we allow them to call her as often as they like. They ask her to let them come over and sometimes they can, other times she doesn't let them. It hurts them for a while, and then they move on, but there is an emptiness there that only she can fill. She seems to tease them about coming to live with her...would they like to? wouldn't it be good if they did? they could by a big house and all live together!...all things that originally seem grand, but that the boys are realizing are only words. Truthfully, though, they don't need to be with her full-time yet. She is not mature enough for them, and could not handle the stress of having them full time. They need stability, and love, and a place to call home, and this is that place. I would hate to see that destroyed on a whim.

    Now, how are you doing as you remember your childhood?

    Thanks again for your care,
  6. I'm glad to hear things are going fairly well. And at those ages they can certainly realize what is going on. It is good for you to be their constant. One should have that. :)

    OH, I'm OK. At this point in my life for the most part my mother's lessons are firmly relegated to the role of "how not to live a life". I just get worried when I hear kids are being ... neglected ...
  7. Ms Stoney: Sorry about your story; I hope thinks work out for your family & grandkids; these days such a story is all too widespread, but for the families going through it, it can be really tough.

    Keep praying and God bless your family.
  8. Things are much better here. Our daughter has taken the boys into her home, and has been a true mother for them. They needed her so much, and it has been good for them both. She has a man living with them as well, and I am not proud of that fact, but he is good to her and the boys, and they have plans to marry before the end of the year. Thank you for your prayers....they worked!! :)
  9. Ms Stoney:

    Well, Paul says: 'Rejoice ever more. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks' ( 1 Thess. 5.15, 16 & 17) and sounds like you are relieved about some aspects of your daughter's actions, anyway.


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