online relationships

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Chris.H, May 25, 2009.

  1. online relationships

    i personally am generally against online relationships yet i find my self in the middle of one. i have knowin the woman in question for around 4 yrs and over the last couple months we have started talking alot (online, over the phone and txting). another thing that is kindaconfusing to me is the fact that she lives in illinois and i have allways said i would never move to be with a woman and now i just keep thinking that if i am lucky enough to ever get to actually meet her and things work out i would move to be with her asap the really scary part of that is she said she would do the same... every night i pray that GOd's will will be done in this aspect of my life. the more i talk to her the more i want to be with her and talking to her makes me happier then i have ever been. i keep asking God what is happening to me and why i feel this way and when i do i just get this feeling that i shouldnt worry about it. i have also noticed other BIG changes in my life. befor this pretty much any girl i have "went out with" all i really wanted out of it was sex (yes i know thats wrong) but with her it is sooo different all i can think about is how nice it would be just to beable to hold her and be with her. i guess when it comes right down to it all i can do is keep praying for what God wants in my life and if He wants her in my life as any thing more than friends it will happen and if thats the case then i really wonder what i did to deserve somthing so nice.
  2. This is a really tough call. Unless you've met someone in person, there is no way you can "really" know them. You can be anything at all online, and nothing like you are in person. It's sorta like a fantasy world to some young people. Just get online and be whomever you wish to be. Be the kind, tender thing you always wanted to appear as, and a relationship certainly can blossom. My daughter is married to a fella she met online, and I know first hand.

    He has multiple problems, multiple personalities, besides being Bi-Polar and is making my daughter miserable. But, online, he was full of personality and they had a lot of fun together. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying some one with Bi-Polar is to be shunned. There are medications to help them. I am also married to one.

    I am sorry to be so negative about it, but it's just my experience. Maybe your experience will be completely different. I really hope so. I guess it is possible, but the only way to find out is to actually meet and get to know her family and friends . . . her world outside online. I wish you luck.
  3. i know and thats the biggest reasons i dont like online relationships. she has told me multiple times that she suffers from depression and has tryed to kill her slef on a couple different occasions and thiks about it fairly often along with alot of other things, i would never marry a woman i havent actually met and spent a considerable ammount of time with. right now i am just confused, frusterated and have no clue as to what i should do because this goes against so much that i believe in. i guess this is just another one of those tests from God lol.
  4. The first thing is, is she a believer. If not, then I think the time has come to end the relationship, as it is obviously heading in a direction it should not go. If she is a christian, then I think you should meet for a weekend or so, with no obligations, and put some reality into the relationship. You'll soon know whether you want to go on.:)
  5. swiss she is moste definatly a believer as for meeting for a weekend i would like nothing more unfortunatly she lives a fair distance away and on the other side of the border. i am hoping that soon (hopefully with in 18-24 months) i will have the money to make the trip out there the biggest thing will be getting my credit card and line of credit payed off (then cancell my credit card). tho i must admit i am very tempted to see if my grandparents would give me a loan...
  6. NO, NO , NO, NO! Forget YOUR reasons for not getting into it. Christian or not, Online or in person, SHE IS NOT READY to be in a deep personal romantic relationship. She has issues that have to be resolved first, and the first one is her own self worth. She will either form a deep codependency torwards you(if she hasn't already) which you will have a hard time with after the infatuation of the "newness" wears off, or your dream of being her "hero" will be shattered as the more effort you put into the relationship reaps fewer and fewer rewards. At this point in her condition, you two will reach an ending point, and it will be very painful for both of you.
    Forget whether this began online or in person, the fact that she would even say these things, regardless of whether or not they are true, says she is not healthy. Trust me, I've been there. I thought I could council a girl and date her at the same time. The end was not pretty for either of us. Getting deeply involved would only be detrimental to her and you. BTW-I met my wife on line via mutual "real" friends. So, like I said, my response is not based on the medium through which you two met. For her sake, and for yours, you need to pull back to the role of minister to her, direct her to God, to give her fears, her longings to God, pray with her for God to heal her, to show her how He values her, and how He is the source of all hope. But by, no means should this go any further than it has to this point. If you care for her, you must allow her to heal or be healed, before you enter into the relationship you long for. I would also say that you need to divert those desires for her to God. Ask God how you can serve her for His glory, not for your own needs. God bless. I've been there. I hope this helps
  7. I agree with CarolinaSteve, Chris. I'm glad he was so bold to put it into perspective. He too has been there and this is good advise.
  8. Chris...can I make a suggestion?? Just follow your heart.
  9. I don't know how to say this without sounding disrespectful, because I surely with all my heart do not intend to be so, so I'm just gonna say it. Aren't we as Christians supposed to follow our Lord Jesus, and lead, not follow our heart? If many of us followed our own heart, we would never have come to the cross. Our emotions are not always dependable, our own desires are not always the same as what God desires for us.
  10. carolinasteve i really do respect your oppinion and input but she probably wont ever get over alot of that stuff im not going to get in to it she trusted me enough to tell me in the first place i know why she did it and i can understand why she would have wanted to die. as for as counsiling her i know i wouldnt beable to do that even if i had a million lifetimes to try and to be honest i wouldnt even dream of bringing it up with her if she wants to talk to me more about it then i would listen and just be there for her as best i can. i dont want to be her hero or any thing like that because i my self have alot of problems as far as depression goes and to be honest (i dont care how you want to read in to this) befor i managed to find a job (was unemployed for 5 months i lost my old job because of heallth problems) she was the main reason suicide didnt cross my mind. just the fact that i had some one who would msg me every day even if it was just to say hi. i never told her about that and dont plan on it. we both know that there is a chance a longterm romantic realtionship wont work out and its somhing that i think about a fair bit i guess the way i see it is if thats what God wants for me then thats what i will get. as far as following my heart that is somthing i am definatly trying to avoide i am constantly praying about it and questioning God asking if this is what HE wants for me. i followed my heart for 8 years and it very nearly eneded up with me being dead in my moms basment with my belt around my neck so thats not somthing im gonna try again.
  11. Chris, I promis you this. If she can trust God to heal her, He will heal her. She, on her own, will not get over it or through it, but He will carry her out of it.The same applies to you. If He uses you in her healing process, that's fantastic for both of you. If he does it without you, thats still fantastic for her, and could be equally fantastic for you. But she must place all of her trust in Christ first,and let Him work in her life. All I am saying is that while she may be the reason you were able to avoid thoughts of suicide durring your trial, from what you stated and I quoted, thoughts of you have not been equally successful for her, unless you did not include that. I am not trying to criticize you or her. I am not intending to "read" anything further than the information you have given. My response about following the heart was not directed to you directly. Your revelation of where the heart can lead is a sign of true maturity, as is your hesitance, and willingness to ask others concerning your situation. As far as you being able to council her, If God means for you to be council for her, be ready to be council for her. You are in her life for a reason. It may not be the reason you ultimately hope for, but if it God's will for you, it will be better than both of you could ever imagine. I will pray for the both of you.
    With love in Christ,
  12. im not looking/asking for pitty but in regaurds to my maturity i kinda wish i wasnt so mature yet but as they say nothing worth while is easy. as far as her trusting God i have no worries about that her faith is truly amazing if what she has told me is true (and i think it is dont ask why its just a feeling). as far as me doing the same for her as far as suicidal thots go i get the feeling i have in the few months we have really been talking (i think i said this befor but we have knowin each other for about 4yrs) she constantly tells me she has never been as happy as she is now. the comment you made about the possibility of God wanting to use me in her healing i will admit kinda caught me off gaurd and honestly kinda frightens me a bit (in a good way if thats possible lol). when i was little maybe 7 or 8 years old the pastor of the church my family went to told me that some day i would be a great healer.
  13. I wasn't offering pity, Chris. Sorry if it sounded like I was being patronizing. I am only trying to be honest. If you are in fact having that kind of positive affect on her, that is good, or it could actually be bad, considering her previous mindset and your current quandry. What would happen to her if God did instruct you to sever the relationship with her? Would she fall back into her previous state of mind? Or has her faith in and relationship with Christ blossomed to the point where she could lean on the cross and allow God to carry her through another trial?
  14. no i didnt say or think you were offering pitty i just wanted to make that clear so people didnt think my following statment about wishing i wasnt as mature as i am was me asking/wanting pitty lol. as far as the rest goes i really couldnt answer that. all i know is i dont know what i would do if i hurt her in any way accidentally or otherwise. i guess it would depend on what sort of seperation it would be weather its tottal or if we would still be friends. i know my self that if for what ever reason we stopped being friends i would be very hurt. its strange but she is one of the very few people i feel comfortable talking to about personal stuff.
  15. The person you talk to while "dating" is not the person you will be living with. That is pretty much true in most relationships. I have to agree with Carolinasteve on this. This person needs to work out her major issues before she will be able to really commit to a real relationship. Jumping in now could be asking for real problems so be very careful my friend.
  16. My husband and I met online. At the time, I was having very serious issues (things happened in my life that totally devastated me). My husband did the same thing you are. He talked to me on the phone for a long time and then we met. We have been married for 12 blissful years, and thank God he gave me a chance, and I him, because it is a marriage made in heaven.

    I believe that because you are praying so hard about this, that you should follow your instinct, because I believe when we're praying and listening for an answer, our instinct is one of the ways the Lord can let us know his will. Let the Spirit guide you.

    The Lord only wants what is best for you and if you are praying for his will to be done and you keep feeling like you should be with her, I say why not give it a try? That's just my personal opinion as someone that has been through it.


    Blessings, Cheri
  17. WOW, Cheri! What a story! Proof that things can work out and be God's will from an online relationship. And since Chris is praying and is sincere and mature, he should be able to handle it all.

    Chris, I think all of us are so concerned about your happiness that our responses until now have been one of caution. I really hope this works for you, and feel so much better about it after reading about this similar situation. Just do as God leads you.
  18. Hello Chris, Since it is the Internet where you met ( although you are now talking on the phone as well.).a word of caution here is appropriate..but that doesn't necessarily mean that it won't work or that it is not meant to be.

    However, I think that we really need to get to know a person more before making a long lasting commitment. Not that any of us can know another as well as we will after the marriage..but surely sometime spent in face to face contact is needed.

    Before the Internet when I was much younger..there was the good ole letter. I met a guy at a dance when I was in college during my spring break in my home town. After that we both wrote to each other on a daily basis. And I was on cloud nine during that period and thought I was in love and very happy. I invited him to our college dance and he did come there..all went well..but the following summer when I came back home and saw him on a regular basis I could see this would never work out..and I am (years and years) later still glad it didn't. The letters didn't tell what the real person was like; but seeing him on a regular basis that summer gave me a picture. He wasn't the right one for me.

    I met someone else after I graduated from college and worked for a year in another state. We also had a temporary long distance relationship in which our main contact was by mail and telephone; but later I got a teaching job near him and we began to see each other on a regular basis. We got to know each other, married in a year, and have been together now through ups and downs but in a very solid marriage for 47 years. It all started with the letters..even though we had met in person before we wrote. In those we exchanged our views and shared our hearts..and this continued when we did see each other on a regular basis. btw, every fault he manifested then he still has now in some degree (and I probably do also) ..but we have grown closer to the Lord and become much more mature together!

    We are both Christians and when I think how much better this relationship was and is than the other was and might have become I thank God for my first decision to break with the other one.

    My prayers that you are able to discern well and exercise good judgment in this.

    Proverbs 4:23 " Above all else, guard your heart,
    for it is the wellspring of life." (NIV) :heart:

    peace and blessings,

  19. well i have decided that as soon as i have the money together i am going to go see her (probably wont be for atleast a year tho it will probably be longer). im also going to look in to a work permit (if things go well) so i can maybe stay down there for an extended period of time.
  20. Good for you.

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