I've been on CFS for a year or so. I've noticed the site is filled with loving people who really want to help, and I appreciate the helpful people I've encountered so far. Some of you have helped me already, and know about my mental condition. I really want to reintroduce myself and my main struggles. I struggle in mental illness (schizoaffective) which offshoots into OCD, anxiety, bipolar and depression. It usually takes a long time for things to surface and make sense. I started this spiritual journey, running away from my sins and running to God, as I understood Him, when I was 21. In the same year I started exhibiting signs of mental illness. And I'm 43 now. So for 22 years I've suffered under the cruel one in ways unimaginable. I also have struggled as a sex addict to relieve my pains of being tormented in my mind. I tried giving my life to Christ time and time again. Being a strong OCD plus having strong delusions and fixed beliefs that you'll never make it, means a person like me asks over and over for the basics. I'm starting now to see that isn't so necessary at all. One of my most dreaded feelings from the bottom of my stomach was the possibility that I had blasphemed the Holy Spirit. My observation on that sin is that you must be so hard hearted against God, and against the gospel, that you refuse to go to Jesus for forgiveness of sin. And in the case of the Pharisees, they were so against Jesus' holy teachings that they either purposely or unconsciously called the good work of the Holy Spirit an evil thing, attributing the work of the Spirit to the works of the devil. Now all I know is schizoaffective is a hard illness to understand. Because what does happen is that I will have OCD thoughts that say, "That is evil! This is evil!" etc... (Have you ever been told NOT to think of pink elephants?? What do you do? Think of pink elephants! Almost every time all you can do is the opposite of what you've been told not to do!) Usually it happens as I am staring God's Word in the face. When I face holiness it happens more than other times. It's almost like Romans 7:13 where sin thru the commandment not to sin becomes utterly sinful - and Romans 7:23. But the difference is I cry out to the Lord Jesus Christ for help with this. I seek Him out to redeem me from my afflictions. As I get very close to Him, and my mind is stressed out, and it's OCD'ing its delusions, then I must remember God looks at my heart before He looks at my mind and its illness. But I guess medicine is supposed to help with this OCD, and I don't know, I guess it's helped a bit. What I keep in mind is that God is here right now in the present and I am drawing my breath from Him right now. That means I am accepted by Him. And I speak the gospel to myself out loud - slowly and confidently. I want to thank you guys for putting up with me so far. I feel like I've met a whole new set of real friends here on CFS, and a safe place to express my victories and my downfalls.