New marriage with serious challenges

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by differentguy, Aug 26, 2015.

  1. We met about 10 months ago online, living in different countries. She wrote me about her values, Chritianity, wishes of family and her views of marriage. It made such an impression in me that I travelled to her many times and we enjoyed meetings and I felt I need to make a decision and proposed and she said yes.

    But after that things started to change. I started to realize she was very much still attached to her parents and little naive about many things and decided it is better to start in her country to not make such a big change at once for someone who had never even had relationship before (she is 26 and I'm 35)

    But she had always dreamed of moving to another country with higher living standards, and started to get upset. Even suddenly just left me in a message and explained how she will move herself to rich counry and get a better quality of life. And then a couple of days later took her words back. We got married and she was another person to me now. Didn't look at me, didn't talk much, walked far away and to be honest, even the passionate kisses we had before marriage registration, never have returned and she just turns her cheek if I try to kiss.

    She is most of the time angry, disappointed to something, and smiles very rarely. On wedding day she barely noticed me, all was arranged by professionals as she wished and I paid but i felt only time when she looked at me was while in front of people with the priest and the dance when people watched, but other than that it was the loneliest day of my life.

    Honeymoon trip, half of the time she was upset about something and blaming me or circumstances and half of the time didn't want to speak to me. Some moments she looked genuinely happy, only to change to this completely different person for some reason, for example we had a walk together in a beautiful place, but became windy and she just turned around and started to walk back, went far away, and for some 6 hours behaved like I didn't exist, only to explain later she was not angry at me, only to situation that was uncomfortable.

    And I have since my arrival to her country wished we could finally share a lot of time with each other and speak about all, to really get to know each other, enjoy more emotional closeness. but it just doesn't happen. She occupies herself with all so that we cannot really talk. Or finally if I ask, she sits down and explains 1 hour about her ideas and wishes and doesn't let me talk and finally when I want to speak she is tired, starts to watch tv or something like this. Often if I say something, she replies things like: I'm not interested, why you speak to me, for what I need to hear about this, I don't want to hear, it is the devil speaking, etc.

    It is really strange. I am a sensitive and kind man, and wanted very much give my all but very quickly I started to feel like an idiot here, when it is so clear that nothing in what I do is appreciated or respected.

    She has already maybe 3 times left me, always in situations when I just don't let her walk over me in all decisions. Once I was feeling physically not well and wished to take a taxi home instead of subway, and she became so mad that "i'm wasting family money" (taxi here costs same like subway in my country..) and told me she leaves me, marriage is over, and insulted many times and just asked for keys to get her things and move away. Later continued that by the way even our first kiss she knew I was the wrong person. and didn't talk to me all rest of the day and then when suddenly guests wanted to arrive, she told me that by the way, she doesnt want to leave me, all is ok, please smile. And when I said it is serious stuff and that she had promised to never say such things, she just smiled that it wasn't a real promise but now she promises.

    and just a week more, we were looking for an cheaper apartment and she liked one but I didn't. About this she got so mad that we lost a good one because of me, and just walked away. No explanations, just left. 2 days later her family contacted me and asked why she is there, and asked me to call her. But she was distant on the phone. In the night her father brought her seemingly semi forced, because she was angry and didnt even look at me. father had a talk with me how we should be together.

    a couple of weeks more, and was time of the church. She always insists how it is the main thing in Christianity to visit church, and for me it has been a bit difficult because their churches are in language which I don't understand anything, are extremely loud and crowded and for some reason I feel very very uncomfortable there, just sweating and anxious and just the opposite of peace, even feels painfully loud and tinnitus many days afterwards, and I would much rather watch and listen online my native church or just spend this time reading the bible

    . And this day was exceptionally difficult, all morning she had been angry and stopped speaking to me because of some again meaningless reason, (she said my hair looked bad when I woke up and this was the reason her mood was bad!) and then in this church we were,even when travelled there she didn't want to notice me existing, and my anxiety grew so much that I had to leave and went outside. After some 30 minutes she came out, and told me how she will never live with me and our relations have ended now, how we will organize all now? That I am not a Christian person, and without me she could have found a better Christian man, from a better country than me, from Switzerland! And how her life is destroyed. I was calm and offered we would try some couple counselling, or meet our priest together if that would help in our communication to understand each other, but she said she doesn't want things to work out, that she never did, never wanted to marry me, and doesn't want anything anymore. And then in the evening just came to say sorry, she wants to be with me always.

    this time i didn't just behave like all was normal. 2 days I tried a different way, behaved like she normally does to me, not talking just doing my own stuff, and she suddenly wanted to walk and talk and discuss. And then said she is sorry and now understands how badly she has treated me alltime, and how now all will change. that i will see another woman in her! But just 2-3 days and again she hated me, doesnt want to talk with me, and explains how i am not what she wanted, why she married a foreign man, what she was expecting, and talked like men are just some things she chooses to get something. Then I said I will go back to my country, I cannot stay here like this, and she wished me good luck.

    She tells me so often that she doesnt respect me, she doesnt like me, it was a mistake to get married, all is detroyed, why we should live together, she hates me, how I'm weak, how I'm not responsible, how i am not a good Christian, how she doesn't respect a person like me who didn't finish his university, and how she is worried about this and that...

    It is very hard to find solutions. She is extremely dominating person, as I said doesn't even let me talk, or when I try to tell something important to me, stops me and makes such disrespectful face and doesn't want to hear. It has really started to get on me, self esteem and emotional and even physical health getting worse after months of this emotional abuse. Before marriage she was so different, even in park when I asked which way we should go, told me she cannot decide because she is a woman and in the Bible is information that man is the leader. but after marriage I cannot really even decide how to use my money without her getting mad, and it is really hard this feeling of being controlled and not respected in anyway.

    She tells me she doesn't like talking, and never did, even at work she needs to ask colleagues to stop talking to her, she wants to be by herself. We really don't do anything together, she just goes to work and then wants to be by herself, says she needs this, and then sleep. I wonder why she got married, but she always tells, how she wanted always to a better country, a man who will pay all, and that she can have children and buy them all nice things. If I want to help someone, she doesn't like this, tells me that she always thinks herself first, and my main thing in life should be to buy a house and work hard. How she doesn't have any friends because she doesn't need them, she has parents and they are better than any friends. And about her words of man being the leader, she just smile and said that she thinks I was also not honest about all, so it was all just a game before marriage.

    If I tell excitedly that I met nice new friends, she first asks how they live, how much money they make, and if not highly enough, tells me to stop wasting time for such people, did you even try to sell them anything!? :O

    I like very much nature, travelling, spending time with interesting people and I love conversations about all, simple lifestyle and before marriage she saw this and told me about her dreams that we could live on a deserted island for a year just the two of us...and now she tells me that she actually does not like nature, not sports, wants only shopping in city center and how men and women should do different things, and for a man best to not have hobbies or friends, but just to work, to make money and buy always better things.

    So it seems we are very different, and she completely has chosen not to respect me and uses emotional violence against me most of the time. Only wants to tell about her needs and wishes but doesn't have any interest for my needs or feelings. And even doesn't know much about me because never wants to listen. And same time accuses me, when learning something she doesn't like, that I didn't tell her about this, and when I say that always I want to speak but she doesn't let me, just says, yeah but about this you should have talked seems just crazy, i could not stay where everyday im being treated like i am not a human being. So now I left her country and came to my native city, thinking about all, what to do.

    And to make things worse, this time many months emotional stress and confusion, has really damaged my health. I have had some allergic problems in past but I thought they were over and with positive energy and way of life I was healthy and didn't even want to think of those problems not to bring them back. But now I became again very sensitive to many things, even at her family house I was sick all time more or less, and also for that reason had to go.

    I got sick some 6 years ago in a heavily water damaged building, so called sick building and got sensitized to many indoor contaminants. But after years things got better, and before our marriage I was feeling sure that I can live normal life again, and expert advice had been that keeping the memory of past problems can actually be the reason of continuing problems and our brain needs to forget such fears. So I chose not to talk with her about this, after serious thought and consulting many people. But sometimes, it happened, that in some homes I felt so strongly the smell of some microbial activity that I knew that I should not stay there.

    And surprisingly, I was very confused that she never wanted to show me where she lives. many times i told about this, and she promised next time, but finally, it was the wedding day, when I even saw her home first time, such a strange feeling buy the way! I didn't even know at first it was her home, before some people there told me! And to make things worse, there is one of the worst smells I know, something I know from the past has been one of worst things for my health this particular one, and all clothes and textiles there smell so badly, I was just sneezing all the time with red eyes there and i know it is just the beginning. But this I only realized after wedding, because before ceremony I just had time to visit at the porch. And this particular smelling stuff I worked years to get rid of, had to change all my clothes and belongings, and nothing which had this smell, could be cleaned any way, always in 1-2 days the smell would return, how ever I was, and my body gets all problems from this.

    And now I am married with a woman who lives there, for whom it is important to spend time with parents very often, who is materialistic and has ton of clothes there which she wants to take with I was so sick when I came to my country, and tried to wash my clothes but no washing could help, this microbe had started to grow in them too and I had to discard all! and buy all clothes from here and still i think I could not get myself clean enough, already my new clothes start to have this same smell and I know from my, and from all other people's experiences in these situations, that health will not return until can get rid of the microbe which is making our immune system crazy.

    And now she is expecing that I will find apartment here, rent, and buy her ticket to arrive, and she takes 30 kg of her clothes, the maximum allowed. and will start to live here. I don't know what to do, she wanted so expensive wedding that I don't have even money now to rent and pay deposits, I tried then to speak about how we should save money but she just got upset that she needs all or better to not get married, and I, out of fear of being left, agreed.

    I am in camping place, in a tent, and just wondering how to get myself clean, it took years to get rid of this smell in my everything and health back, and now it is here again. And it is not that I am just complaining about some sneezing, it is all, brain fog, lethargy, insomnia, tinnitus, joint pains, stomach pain, all sensitivities, skin problems, hair falling off, even wife said that from my body is becoming strange smell she never felt before, why I am so sick, go to doctor..

    so, the situation is like this, we are married, she doesn't love respect or like me, I don't have much money left, but she doesn't have any and expects man to pay anyway everything. I don't even have home anywhere anymore, and my old problems with health have returned very much and I have to avoid now many places, I have tried to look apartments but in all of them I've felt smells which I know will make me sick so I cannot take. And I know, if she comes like she plans, I will never be healthy but my life will be just illness after illness. She should agree to same procedure which we all, who have gotten badly sensitized after sick buildings, have to do: leave all material from earlier life behind, and start from the zero. Not to visit again there, her beloved home, to not risk our own family future with contaminants coming with her. maybe even needs to shave all her long hair because it can be next to impossible to get clean after living a long time with that smell. And all this other issues, with her, as she herself described, difficult personality, and same time my own sensitivity to words and now this physical just seems like a very challenging situation! We don't have really even much positive memories from which to get power to get trough all, since we just had a handful of nice dates before we got married and then all has been as I explained. And really, I have tried to get medical advice for myself, the most respected specialist in this field just told me that I should avoid at all costs when I feel contaminants which make me react, or else it will not take long time to become permanently disabled. Now I see it was not actually the best choice to think my problem are in the past, and to not speak about this history, and she feels rightfully that I didnt tell her all important things, even though I thought about this a lot and tried to make the best choice. And on the other hand, her reasons for getting married were very selfish and looking for getting somewhere and the man seemed to be just a tool in this and she purposefully was hiding her real self and told things which she thought a man needs to hear to marry her and take to "high standard of life"

    So, I feel really clueless at the moment..all her family sending me messages, how we should be together now we are a family..please help!
  2. #2 aha, Aug 26, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2015
    Whooa! You got into real tough knot situation man : )

    I can’t relate much in your situation…..
    but I can relate seems to me how you see things now with how I see things before:

    you mentioned:
    A “couple counselor” ? seems what you see “how” to solve the problem.
    A “most respected specialist in this field” ? seems what you see "how" to solve the problem.

    Do not put your trust in man…

    Psalm 118:8King James Version (KJV)
    It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.
  3. Can i ask you how much time that you spend in the Word? And what you believe of the Word? I know that this is a difficult situation, but Jesus and praying the Word over her and your situation is the only thing that will fix this. She may have hidden this part of herself from you, but given her place that she lives in with her parents (your description of it anyway), it has left her with many pieces missing from within. She has become addicted to material things to alieviate the shame or thoughts of living like she is (and i can guarantee that as fickle in her emotions as you have said she is, she probably will never admit this). She expected you to be her knight in shining armor, and take her away to never never land, no matter how closd to her parents that she said she was. So now you need to get built up in the Word of God and truly seek Him to give you the Scriptures to overcome this situation. You are the spiritual head of the house (whether she lets you be or not). And Jesus is over you. The power of God is the only thing that is going to get you through this. You may not think so but this is a spiritual warfare issue and not just what it seems to be. My fiancè and i will be praying for you, and her.
    Blesings of grace and peace be yours in abundance!
    Angela333 likes this.
  4. The question you need to ask your self is if she married you for love or for a better life.

    At her age and culture she was probably just looking for a way out of her current life.

    Why are you trusting this woman when it is so obvious she doesn't love you?

    I don't know, but expect there will be more problems.

    You need someone who loves and supports you. Sometimes you just gotta cut your losses.

    Marriage is supposed to make your life easier not harder. If you made a mistake talk to God
    about it properly and take His direction.
  5. I can show you how to know when it is God speaking. All the best.
  6. #7 Mercedes Benz E Class, Nov 18, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2015
    I am so proud of you that you took this step to be vulnerable. Believe me, you and God are the answer to your situation.

    1, get out of that marriage / situation cause its literally killing you. Heres what you need to do:
    *Go back home
    *Get your relationship back with God again - I guarantee you He WILL take care of you
    *Divorce that woman
    *Cut off all your hair, get healthy, be healthy and start your life again
    *Find people in your home country who will help and assist you back on your journey to restoration
    *Once your ready try and date one of your friends that you know for the longest time, look harder you will be surprised that there are people who meet your requirements. At worst, date someone in your own town or something, with a history that can be referenced. I say stop with foreigners but really be so careful. Marrying someone who you don't know is a gamble.
  7. Praying you get back on your feet.
  8. My wife and I now glory together in our marriage, but it wasn’t always so. Our circumstances and problems are and were very different from yours, but I can give you some very general advice.

    In Philipians Paul writes
    I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
    [ Phil 4:13, NASB ]​

    You can work these problems, but only if it is through Him. Start with your relationship with the Lord. In everything you do, have a prayerful attitude. As you are thinking about these things, direct your thoughts and concerns to the Lord. Prayer, being talking to God, includes listening for, and to, His responses, so be sensitive to His guidance [ 1 Thes 5:16 ].

    Spend time reading the Bible. Some of this time, you should be actively searching for scripture specific to your situation. This does not mean only looking for verses that support your existing point of view. Some of the time should be spent in more general reading. It is your whole man that the Lord wants. It is the whole man that the Lord will help.

    Encourage her to do the same, even when you are not present.

    You have at least one language in common (you converse with her and her family). Find a church that provides services in that language. Attend that church, and invite her often. Do not demand. Occasionally attend her church, even if it is in an unknown language. You are building a relationship under the Lord.

    When you are together, spend time in prayer. Let her hear you pray for her benefit and for your relationship together. Talk about what you want for the future. Look for commonalities, even if the details are not what either wish. Be flexible in your expectations; encourage her to do the same. Plan a future that both of you look forward to.

    Read (and study) the Bible together. Do not just point up references that support your views and challenge hers. Again, it is the whole relationship that the Lord will support, not your side, or her side, or even only a specific issue.

    I do not know the possibilities for obtaining work and living close to her, or trying to conduct the relationship from a longer distance, but you need to see to your (and eventually both of your) needs.

    You made a commitment to her. She made one to you. You both should honor that commitment. Do not give up lightly. Your efforts at this point need to be toward reconciliation.
    Cturtle likes this.
  9. By the way, be sure to read the quotes at the bottom of my post.
  10. Siloam good day,

    I ask this with respect but did you read his whole paragraph. I know it was long but did you read it in its entirety?

    She wont allow this. He has to go to her church which he said is loud, noisy, different language, crowded and that makes him uncomfortable.

    Please advise this man as if you were advising your own son, or better yet - yourself
  11. I would like to respond.

    First of all, it should be apparent that the original post was submitted a while ago and was the members only post. He will probably never read these. I trouble to respond because though particulars may change, problems of similar nature are too common. What we write may aid someone in similar situations.

    The commitment of marriage is not to be discarded lightly, like an agreement to meet for lunch somewhere that you then find inconvenient. Whether it is a formal church wedding, with explicit invocation of the Lord, or a simple civil service, if ever a commitment made from one to another was binding upon the participants, it is the commitment of two lives to become one.

    It may be that at the time one or both were more thinking of “to have and to hold” than either “for better or worse” or “as long as they both shall live”. That does not wipe away the solemnity or importance of the commitment.

    As far as divorce, and perhaps re-marriage later, I have seen lives wrecked by ill conceived and uncommitted marriages, and sometimes I wonder if the sins that existence engenders outweigh the problems of divorce, so that I do not cast stones too quickly. But that should not be the first response to regrets of the commitments they made, and certainly not advice to be quickly given.

    As far as whether the wife leaves this path open, I would say that people are inconstant. As I said in my post, there was a time when my marriage was not as happy as it is in our later years. There was a time when we were literally standing at the front door and my wife was telling me to leave. Things change. As the Lord hardened pharaoh’s heart, he can soften hers.

    I would expect that if their relationship were better, he would not find the music at her church so loud, even if he could not fully appreciate the ceremony.

    My response was very general, working from things the writer can affect. First, getting and/or keeping his relationship with the Lord and secondly trying to do the same for her. There is more than church in a marriage, but the Lord should be the source of power for everything a Christian does.

    As far as what I would tell my son, I would say that my son is currently considering a similar commitment that I have grave doubts for. He is in his 30’s and his own man, but I have given him counsel. If he makes that kind of commitment, I will then encourage him to keep it and make the best life he can. He knows both how I feel, and knows that whatever his decisions are, I will love and accept him and be there to help.

    Just as accepting the Lord and having sins forgiven before God does not cut one off from the consequences of those prior sins, repenting of a commitment does not remove the commitment.
  12. This guy's health is knocking at the door of death. Marriage or not he needs to get out of that country.
    (PS. I doubt (very strongly) that your situation back then or your son's now was ever as bad as this.)
    His situation boils down to dying or staying married. That's when I draw the line.

    I don't think anyone should comment unless they read his whole post - ENTIRELY.

    Also true that this post might help someone else in the future, that's why I wrote. If my kid and God forbid this,
    if my kid was going through this I would make him come back home. If the marriage is to survive, the same compromises
    that he made must be made by the wife to bring hope. Its not fair that he is knocking at death's door because of her.
  13. PS. Situation also reeks of foreigners trying to get a ticket out of their lives by marrying a person who is expected to be well off.
    This guy wasn't as well off as the female expected and that's where the trouble began. These convenience marriages are popping
    up all over the world - no country is exempt.

    It began as an online relationship. Just watch your back when a person is so cool and they agree to everything online.
    And then come reality they are just totally opposite.

    Christian or not, people would do well to guard their hearts and either do the due diligence before marriage or try
    and not marry too far from home if its easier for them.

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