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Need Some Godly Advice!

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by fairmaiden, Jun 17, 2013.

  1. This is LONG and I’m in NEED of some godly advice, so unless you TRULY want to help me out, you may get bored reading this.

    Hello, I’m new here. I’m 33, married with two children – oh, and a child of God – that’s very important. I am in need of some godly advice and at this time, I do not have anyone I can turn to. I wasn’t sure where to post this, but since it mostly concerns my marriage, I thought I would post it here. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for, looking for, but all I know is that I need some advice from godly people – perhaps to hear different opinions to try to settle my heart and make up my mind.

    I will not go into great detail because this could take a very long time. Basically, I have a husband who greatly dislikes my mother and it is causing tension in my marriage. I would choose my marriage any day over my relationship with my mother, but what I want to know is if I should just drop my mother (who has an interest in seeing her two grandchildren), end our relationship and keep the one with my husband and I happy?!

    So skip ahead now to when I meet my husband. Before she ever even met him, saw a picture of him, heard his voice, she made up her mind about him because of gossip from other church folk at the church my husband and I used to attend. She wrote me a hateful letter saying bad things about me and even worse things about my husband. Instead of me writing her off as a mother, I wrote my own letter back to her trying to smooth things over.

    To make a long story short, my husband now greatly dislikes my mother to the core and my mother thinks she has some sort of entitlement to see me and her grandchildren because I am her daughter and she does have grandchildren.

    However, my husband has put up with a few visits now and then from my parents, but it hasn’t been without much anger, hatred, bitterness and conflict within my marriage. Things are very well and happy with my husband and I so long as I don’t bring my mother into the picture.

    Honestly, I really don’t love my mother much, but she has this grip on me as though she deserves to see her grandchildren and as though I feel I owe her respect because I’m her daughter.

    I love my husband!! I love my marriage! It’s worth far more to me than a relationship with my mother. Do I upset my mother and tell her I never want to see her again just to make my marriage work and be a happy one? My husband sees it as a sign of disrespect to allow her to visit, even if he never would even see her during the visit. He says I do not love him because I keep allowing this “enemy” into our lives. Is he right? I know his anger and bitterness is a sin, but I would rather have a happy marriage than allow this to continue for as long as it has – nearly 10 years now. He says that if I keep doing things that he hates, he’s going to keep doing things to me that I hate – and I know exactly what that means.

    They’ve discussed things a few times through email and in person and things appeared to have been resolved, but shortly after, my mother goes back to her “entitlement” ways and my husband goes back to his “anger and bitterness” ways. This relationship just will not work.

    So please, if anyone is reading this, if anyone really cares, please reply and give me the godly advice that I so desperately need at this time. I will pray about it, but it still gives me no comfort when I do not have the answers and do not know what to do. I know the Bible says, “Leave and cleave”. Should I drop my relationship with my mother all together? Is that a sign of disrespect? Why do I still feel like such a little child around her?
  2. Don't do anything drastic.

    Sounds like you guys are sometimes in a 'Count to 30 before opening your mouth' situation.

    Three things: 1) prayer; 2) prayer; 3) prayer.
    fairmaiden likes this.
  3. This isn't one of those areas where I can offer much advice over the Internet. There is a lot of subtext here, and I'm not entirely sure how to interpret that. I don't really have much connection to my family either, so I tend to not really relate to those connections in the same way most people do.

    However, I believe that Biblically there is more support for the fact that your family really begins with you and your husband more than with your parents, but I don't think that generally involves dropping your relationship with your mother. Has your mother continued antagonizing your husband and the situation in some way? Why is there currently so much angst between them? Is it only because of what happened 10 years ago, or has someone been continuing the battle?

    Legally, I'm not entirely sure what rights grandparents have to grandchildren. I've heard mixed reports on how various courts have ruled, but I do know that it is always in favor of the children's best interest, which is probably the best advice I'm going to be able to offer in this situation. It's always sad when adults spend so much time destroying each other that they fail to see how their affecting children. I know that I would not tolerate anyone speaking against their parents, so I find that I wonder if that is happening here. I also know that cutting off ties to family isn't always the right move either.
  4. I like what farouk says about not being quick to respond; you have to be the better example. And it sounds to me like you already know the answer. Yes; your Husband is the head of your family unit. Are you in Church? Can you get a counseling session with your Pastor?

    Psalm 103:8
    The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

    Psalm 145:8
    The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.

    Proverbs 15:18
    A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.

    Proverbs 16:32
    He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

    James 1:
    19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
    20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

    I think that you following your husband is the best thing you can do while trying to resolve the issue with your mother-no she is not 'entitled' to anything if she causes division between you and your husband.
  5. Well first of all, anger in and of itself is not a sin. It's what we do with that anger that can be sinful. Second of all, after you wrote the letter to your mother to smooth things over, how did things go? What his her view of him now?

    I ask because there's a chance your husband simply needs to practice the art of forgiveness. Of course I could be completely wrong, but that's why I'm asking.

    My wife and I have a pitiful relationship with my parents because of their feelings toward her. We are civil, but a far cry from loving.

    Frankly, this is a difficult one to answer because the whole situation depends on a few factors on both sides.
  6. My mother has opened her mouth and said things she shouldn't be saying or has been overstepping her boundaries by inviting herself to visit us. She does not own up to the things she's done in the past.
  7. i do not currently have a church family or pastor to go to because of past circumstances, so this is one of the reasons why i wanted to join this community.

    i like what you said about the fact that she is not entitled to anything if she is causing division between my husband and i.
  8. thank you, those who posted, for your advice. i've written letters to my mother in the past to resolve things and for the time being, it seemed as though she got the message. but a short time later, she would always revert back to her behaviour again. even i thought it was finished the last time my husband and mother met. my aunt even came to help "referee" the conversation. there were even tears shed, but a few months later, my mother reverted back again to her behaviour by putting guilt trips on me.

    what i have been getting from some of your replies is that i need to pray and go slow. i've taken a few days now to think this over already and i'm beginning to get a little clarification by listening to what others have had to say. i'll be ready soon to write to my mother again. Thank you.

    my husband says "if you don't respect the marriage, you should not get to enjoy the fruits of it."

    i suppose some people just cannot get along - their two personalities just don't mix. please, keep the advice coming as it will help me to think about everything and to take the next step carefully.

    God Bless!
  9. I will say this for certain.

    "Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them." - Romans 16:17

    There's no provision given that says, "unless it be a mother or father".
    fairmaiden likes this.

  10. Assuming the situation is exactly as you describe it, I would think that you need to be clear on the house rules with your mother. She needs to be aware that you do not permit those behaviors in your house and if she wishes to be part of your lives, then she will have to respect you and your family. Do not allow this to become a power struggled. Your mother sounds as though she is trying to exert authority over you and that is not her place.

    Honestly, I think you need to find a pastor you can trust and establish a relationship to help mediate and counsel appropriately.
    RoninJedi and fairmaiden say Amen and like this.
  11. I knew a guy once that enjoyed arguing. Again and again he would say something really provocative and would seem disappointed when I let his barbs just go through me like butter. I'm not saying your mom is like this, but some people do have a flair for taking an opposite point of view using vivid language. The man I knew (whom other people would allow to upset them) couldn't seem to figure why I wouldn't argue with him. ... :unsure:
  12. Worship, pray, read the Bible, meditate on the Word, Fast when necessary, FELLOWSHIP with Bible believing Christians, and repeat.

    When all else fails: Be LIKE Christ...

    Probably the best thing the two of you can do is read the Bible and pray together. God honors obedience and sacrifice. (Then He gives you blessings!!!) If you don't do family devotions-start once a day; even if it is a single verse you memorize a week.
  13. Of course, nothing is more powerful than prayer…

    So what follows is just my opinion:

    “challenge” your husband….

    We cannot change other people…. but we can change how we see them…..
    He can see her as a vulnerable woman just seeking love and attention…

    Change my what for her? No way, he might say : )

    So you have to “sell” the idea… we are salesman of ideas btw : )

    3 things to sell, which one a person in a relationship will mostly like to buy?
    a) Good for both of us
    b) Good for you
    c) Good for me

    Many people will say ‘good for both of us” is more saleable to the partner….. I don’t think so:
    I think “good for you” is more saleable than “ good for both of us”…

    So try to sell to him the idea that it is good for your health, well-being, not to have a resentment with other people : )
    IMO: Forgiveness is not only something we do to others: it is more of something we do for ourselves…
  14. i'm afraid that ship has sailed. there's been forgiveness on both sides already, yet mother and in a way, husband too have both reverted back to same ways, thoughts, views....so how long does one keep pushing an issue, trying to make something work before realizing it doesn't work? how many chances do you continue to give a person before they get it? i think it's just time to move on. i'll still keep somewhat of a relationship with my mother for the sake of her grandchildren (because i'm not a big fan of her either), but i will no longer try to mend fences between my husband and my mother. it's not working, and i don't need it to anyway. our marriage is much more peaceful without the MIL stress.
  15. If you want to leave your mother because of how she treats you then do it. But don't cut your mother out of your life because of someone else. No one should tell you who you want in your life or not.
  16. thanks. but i don't want or need my mother in my life. she's not a positive influence in my life. the only reason i struggled with this was because of this control my parents had on me. but i've already closed the door on this myself. after recent events, i have chosen to no longer talk to them, due to a LONG history of my parents shifting the blame, deflecting, twisting the word of God to suit them, and so on.
  17. Do what's best for your family under the leadership and guidance of God and your Husband....

    Having a local Pastor and a Bible believing Church family will also give you a great deal of support. (Something an online forum can't really provide.)
  18. A Church family is very important, which is why I so often advise everyone to seek professional counseling, or find a pastor that they can trust. We have so many different experiences here, but we exist in a box. We only have our own interpretations of your words to work with, and our own biases and experiences shape how we read your words. A lot of the human element gets lost. I see this daily as my words are distorted and misunderstood when read back to me. It is the nature of reading. We make it more internal to how we would react if suddenly thrown into the situation, which is impossible.
  19. So its simple then.
  20. Hi Fairmaiden

    Both you and your husband need to respect and honour your mother irrespective of her actions.

    You need to understand and explain to your husband that it pleases God. Just like you will stay married to him despite him treating you badly, as staying married pleases God!

    Put God first and honour your parents. You will be surprised at the change in them when you show them love and respect.

    Please don't think I am naive either. My mother did similar things to my wife, they never got on and hated each other for long. Until I sat my wife down and explained scripture to her. It doesnt matter what my mother said or falsely accuses her of, she serves God, not herself. God forgives, forgets and has patience and longsuffering. So should we. They now get on much better. I do not get on with her dad as he is very worldly. He never approved of me marrying her as I was a church freak. But I will go and visit him monthly and show him respect as he is her father and my children are his grandchildren. We are the first person God will and can use to reach our parents! Just limit the visits but certainly don't stop them.

    We live for God, not ourselves. Your husband is second to God. Please never make a statement like this again. ''Honestly, I really don’t love my mother much''

    Col 3:20, Exodus 20:12, Prov 20:20, Prov 23:22, Eph 6:1-3, 1 Timothy 5:8, Lev 20:9, 1 Peter 5:5-6

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