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Need Advice

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Ace4621, Jun 27, 2012.

  1. Sorry, I don't know how to be short about this, but I really need serious advice.

    I have been with my wife for 15 married years, we married somewhat older, mid 30's. She had a daughter, I had no children, but we were blessed with a son now a teen. Her daughter was a midteen when we married and wanted to remain in her hometown to be with all her friends/school, but stayed with us often, lived with grandparents there

    My first marriage fell to shambles, I thought I had a perfect wife, but she got into showing horses, the short story, it consumed her, her time, etc. She did well, travelled, made a name. We weren't rich, but her father was, but it consumed all my money as well as much of his, he really supported it as she got better. It got out of control, I tried nicely to stop it, which led to bitterness on her part, she ended up having an affair with a guy into horses, left me, marriage over...Horses became her life

    Enter act two, I later met the most perfect lady, beautiful, classy, etc...strong christian, good values. We clicked, dated about 3 years, married...Our marriage was as perfect as could be for the first years, I have never loved anyone like her.

    About 8 years ago, she approached me about wanting to show dogs. Then I was middle income, but did OK. I told her my concerns, how show animals ruined my first marriage and had so much fear because I've seen people become obcessesd with it. She did it as a child with her mother big time and wanted to do it with her daughter...After much agreeing and promises, I agreed to it.
    I honestly believed she would keep in under control. I had just remodeled the house, with a large back play room that soon became the dog room. It started with one as agreed. However, she did well and got another. I said no more. However, she returned from a show with another dog..If you're a good show person, show people will give you show rated dogs. The house started falling into disorder, dogs running everywhere....I put my foot down. We agreed she would have to move to a smaller breed...no more than two....she did, but barking Yorkies.

    About this time I was stricken with a nerve disease, not as bad at first, but one with no cure that progresses and can be bad. About the 2nd year my illness was becoming concerning, but I was working. We feared it would soon disable me. Again, dogs got out of control and my illness finally cost me a job of 21 years. I went into business for myself, it actually did well, my wife did help with accounting, etc.., So we were making a lil money, not rich, about 120k.

    I got sicker, but worked, she did spend more time, she handled the business end, paperwork, bills, etc, I ran crews, by the end of the day I came home in pain, did my office work and went to bed.
    I was on many strong narcotics, plus other meds for my illness. We had great love, but we drifted, as I had no energy left to go out and do things with her as before. She got more into dogs, I figured being sick, she deserved to have her dream..within limits...

    Something changed....Dogs started consuming her, she would bring other dogs home, we would argue, but I gave, I felt my illness was consuming my life, let her have fun.. She started making a name, several champions, travelled. She told me it could be a business breeding and handling. It seemed like before she was now gone all the time like my first wife. Obviously it's longer and more complex, but as it got more out of control, we fell apart. I tried talking, pleading, being nice, finally fighting when nothing reached her. I even stated "it's me or the dogs" and was told I would have to leave. The once perfect mother, wife and homemaker changed. She was still wonderful in many ways, but it's like a disease, she couldn't or wouldn't accept it was ruining our lives and home. She started lying to cover it up money wise and the economy was slowing and I was getting sicker. My illness controlling my life, dogs controlling hers..

    Finally my illness hit hard and the economy tanked...customers went bankrupt, we were barely getting by, she slowed showing, but kept her dogs, maybe 8 at the time. She wanted me to go on disability, I tried to keep working and we lived off savings, but it ran out...We were getting into trouble. I later found that she had ran up many credit cards, etc, behind my back. It finally got bad when my last good customer went bankrupt, leaving us broke. About this time my neuro took my license and I couldn't drive. It wasn't long we got in bad shape and that stress took it's toll. I lost my medical insurance, Doctors and meds, applied for SS, which can take years to get...We were broke. She had never really worked since being with me, but she started grooming and handling show dogs, but made lil money. Things got bad, lost everything, could barely pay bills, home went into foreclosure, my illness progressing.

    It finally peaked last Oct...We struggled to pay bills, keep food, etc, even lost power a few times. With home in foreclosure, she moved in with parents and after a few months her and her daughter now 23 got a small house. I have no family per say, parents dead, I was now alone at home, couldn't drive, sick.

    Our goal was to put things back together when we could survive. I see her maybe once a month, sometimes longer. She seems more generic, but claims love and will stayed married to me until death. My life turned into hell. I often didn't have power, food, even water..I lived by selling all my stuff on the internet. I tried not to bother people, lose power, no food, I did without until I sold something, but I'm running out of things to sell. It got so bad the last four months, I actually lived without power or water for 3 months, often without food and my illness making me feel hopeless. I've even gone through neighbors garbage to eat.....sitting in a foreclosed home for over a year. I just now got power and water on yesterday thanks to the combined efforts of the salvation army, CM and Social Services, but also got my notice to get out of this house July 20 last week.

    I want to put my family back together. Wife and daughter surviving, but both into dogs, not showing theirs, but others for fee's and they groom during the week, they barely pay the bills.
    They have a combined 12 dogs, try to imagine that, many show dogs now more like pets.

    I have no where to go and must get out soon. My wife loves me, claims love, says she wants our family back together, but knowing I must be out next month, she is asking me where am I going to go....I finally asked why couldn't we all live together, get rid of the dogs, work on our family, I wouldn't take up more space than a corner, I will figure a way to work or hopefully SS will get approved in the next year or so....she simply says no room and the house is in her daughters name and she doesn't want me there. ....I know, it's because I think people should come before dogs.

    I have asked her if she wants us, really wants to be married.....she does. I don't want to make my wife out to be bad, she has so MANY wonderful qualities, but she is blinded by her love for dogs.
    I try so hard to be as normal as I can, so she doesn't see me as ill as I am, I want to be normal. I think I could find something to do again if I could get on my feet and had support and a family and I miss my son so much...can hardly stand it.

    She really doesn't know how I've lived the last 7 months, cept no power and water at times, I always tell her I am fine, can't give her much money to help with son, but I give what I can and go without to do so.

    I made mistakes. I can function somewhat, I can look rather normal, but deal with severe pain, my illness is considered to be one of the most painful. I haven't been to a Doctor in 1.5 years, except when pain gets bad, maybe went to state hospital twice. If only I could get back to the specialist, few exist that know how to treat this illness...but I can't.

    I feel she is slowly moving on, regardless of words, her actions say it. Maybe she is trying to hurt me easy, afraid that the heartbreak would bring me down more than I could take. I've told her she could move on with no guilt. She states she married me for life, will honor her vows, loves me dearly, prays constantly.........but I will be homeless next month, I can't live on the street with my illness.

    Sorry so long.....
  2. Hello,

    I'm sorry to hear about your illness and soon to be homeless my friend. I will definitely be praying for you. Some encouragement don't give up on your wife. She is worth fighting for. If she keeps saying that she will honor her vows and be with you for life that is her trying to fight for you. Mind you if it was my husband and I. I would probably be right by his side in the foreclosed house. *hugs* She needs to pick though her dogs or you, because I'm sorry she should love you more than her dogs, even if it's a hobby and she loves dogs soo much. God should come first then you then her daughter then the dogs. I'm sorry that things aren't working as well as they could be. I'm afraid I don't have much advice,but I will be praying for you hugs.

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