Need advice from Godly friends

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Med1215, Oct 9, 2014.

  1. I have been battling some personal struggle with how to handle a situation in my life. I've recently restarted a friendship with an ex gf that I am still deeply in love with. As friends it does not seem to be any different. She asks me to pray for her family, discusses personal matters even wanted to sit with me in church. We have spoken regularly every few days for a couple months now, at one point discussing the nature of our relationship. She is in a relationship with someone else. Something my instincts tell me is a way of coping with her fears and insecurities. She told me she ended our relationship bc she wasn't ready to be a partner but said she hasn't closed the door on us either and wants to trust in Gods plan. I agreed but feel that she doesn't want to acknowledge that following Gods will includes making the hard decisions and not the ones that make you feel most comfortable. Recently I've pulled away not knowing if I should express my thoughts. I'm focused on seeking gods will for my life and know it's not my responsibility to thrust my opinions on her. I'm also struggling with why I love someone that said she loved me but so easily devalues me for the sake of her own comfort. Advice please. I'm having restless night after night not knowing what to do. I pray and ask God for answers but fear I'm missing them
  2. Sometimes, the worst thing you can do is to be the warm shoulder for an ex....

    What will happen is that YOU won't move on... It effectively prevents you from working out your sadness over the loss.... And... Since you are still fostering the connection to Her and hoping that she will somehow change her mind - you won't/can't get over it and start a new connection with someone else.

    Personally... Put it in God's hands....
    Treat it as if God has closed the door on the relationship because that's the evidence at this point.
    There's no use you trying to re-open a door God has closed....
    If God wants the door re-opened, He will open it and no one will be able to close it...

    See... The thing is.. Whoever you meet next isn't going to be all that comfortable with you having this Ex still around as a "Friend".... It's not a good source of confidence/trust...

    KingJ, Mercedes Benz E Class and New Man 78 says Amen and like this.
  3. I have to agree with JohnC ….An X is not the place to go You are wise to withdraw from that contact … for whatever reason, because it will cause conflict of heart and more problems than you can imagine.
    "I'm also struggling with why I love someone that said she loved me but so easily devalues me for the sake of her own comfort. Advice please."
    If you could be a bit more specific on how she devalues you ….that would be helpful.
    God Bless
  4. I guess it's the feeling I get that she feels like she can have it both ways. Her words were "I wasn't ready to be a partner". But then she doesn't acknowledge that she immediately started dating the other guy again. And I asked " have you closed the door on us" to which she responded, " no I haven't. And if I did I would tell you bc I feel like I would owe you that". So I left the conversation more confused. I don't want to feel this way, but I feel like she also uses faith and Gods plan as a cop out. Bc I said, " the thing is God opens and closes doors and I'm choosing to trust in him knowing I have no control" however I'll admit that lack of control is where I'm weak in all this. Bc I see so much potential and want to act but know it's not my place to do anything. And I say cop out bc she talks about trusting God, letting his timing and will dictate, but I feel like she says that so she can justify decisions she knows are not Godly. My biggest concern about her has always been her ability to lie to herself for sake of comfort. I sat with her in a message about finding the will of god. And we talked about it, yet she seems oblivious to what I think God is showing her. That is: her fears and insecurities about loneliness, about herself and about commitment -- they can be overcome -- but while I know she's leaning hard on God, she won't take that last step of really letting go of the fleshy desire and learning who she is. I feel devalued bc I think it matters more to her to "do what she knows" which is to date someone than to really evaluate why she wasn't ready to be a partner. How else am I suppose to take these responses---"I wasn't ready to be a partner" and no I haven't. And if I did I would tell you bc I feel like I would owe you that".
  5. she has put you in limbo.

    now you cant move forward or back.

    is she in the other relationship because she is insecure?

    eventually, she made the choice :)

    don't let her play your mind.
  6. I cant watch you do this to yourself.

    Read between the lines.
  7. Yea, it sounds like she is using you. It sounds like you want to reconcile with her so I think your best bet is to tell her that she is either going to date you or you can not be close friends. Your emotionally tied to her right now so it would not be healthy for you to be with her when you are not dating her. As things will only become more difficult. Tell her you want more and see what her choice is, she may not give you the answer you want but it is a lot better than being in limbo or the "friend zone". I will be praying for both of you!
  8. It is in a Christians nature to continue being friendly to those that hurt / reject us. You can be forgiven for being so silly.

    In your next relationship constantly gauge the levels of give and take. If they are not mutual something is wrong. You are simply casting pearl before swine / gearing yourself up to be a mental case.

    End all contact with her immediately. As has been said, you are wasting your time still being with her. If you think that is God's provision you don't know God.
  9. Normally I would tell you that you need to avoid contact with her so you can stop the emotional roller coaster that you're on because she keeps sending you mixed signals. Your situation is somewhat complicated, though, because the two of you attend the same church (I assume that to be the case if she is sitting with you at church). If your church is very large, you might be able to avoid contact with her, but if it's a smaller church it might be difficult or even impossible to avoid her--and I don't think you should leave your church to try to avoid contact with her.

    This reminds me of a situation I was in during college. I had dated a girl for a while, then she ended it because she still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend, but at the same time I still had feelings for her. This was right at the end of freshman year, and she and I had both signed up to be leaders in the same small group in our campus ministry the next year. At the time, I felt miserable being around her, but I still wanted to keep my commitment to the campus ministry. I knew I needed to find some way to relate to her in a friendly yet non-romantic way going forward, but I had no idea how to do that when I felt depressed and rejected whenever I was around her.

    I am glad to say that I was able to do this. As I said before, this was near the end of my freshman year, and soon after we all went home for summer break. She and I lived in different states, so I had a good three months away from her. At first I spent a lot of time moping, but eventually I started doing things with my old friends from high school who had gone to other colleges. Between spending time with other people besides my ex and leaning on God, I began to see that life would go on. By the end of the summer I was actually ready to be around her again. The truth was that I still had feelings for her, but they didn't dominate my life so much. Plus when I came back to school as a sophomore, there were a lot of new freshman girls in our campus ministry, so I realized that maybe there were other options after all!(y)

    I think the time apart, my relationships with others (by relationships, I mean friendships), and learning to trust in God for my future were the keys to my healing and growth in this area. These things enabled me to even be able to be around her without hanging on her every word and gesture and miserably pining away for the faint hope that we might get back together again.

    Interestingly enough, and I hesitate to write this because I don't want to give you false hope, over that summer break her ex-boyfriend had treated her badly and she had finally gotten over her feelings for him. Then when we came back to school at the start of sophomore year, I think she must have also noticed that there were a lot of freshman girls in our campus ministry, and unbeknownst to me she began wondering if I might take an interest in one of them. To make a long story short, she actually approached me and said she had made a mistake and was sorry she had ended our relationship the first time. We ended up starting over again, this time very slowly and cautiously on my part, and now we have been married for twelve years and have four kids. So anything can happen.

    Honestly I think you need some time away from her. I'd suggest filling that time by hanging out with friends and most importantly seeking to grow closer to Christ. This is the most important relationship you will have, after all. I'm not sure you should just start completely ignoring her, as this would be a bit rude (like if she asks you to sit with her and you reply with a stern "NO!"). Instead, I actually think you should tell her that you still have feelings for her, but that you understand that she is not ready for a commitment with you, so you need to spend some time apart from her. This way she will understand why you choose not to sit with her or have long conversations with her. Then really follow through on it and don't try to rush through the process. Even if she starts to give you signals that she's interested, don't jump right back into things with her. You need time to grow and learn from this. She's right, after all--she's not ready to be a partner yet, so she also needs time to learn and grow.
    Mercedes Benz E Class likes this.
  10. I just wanted to add that if you do decide to tell her that you still have feelings for her but want to spend some time apart, and she immediately responds by saying that she thinks she wants to get back together with not say yes to her right away! You need time apart from her in order to grow. She needs time to grow and you cannot assume that she has really changed just because she starts showing more interest in you. It is important for you to use this time to accept the fact that she is not the only person you could ever be married to. God may be preventing this relationship from working out because He has other (better) plans for each of you.
    Mercedes Benz E Class likes this.

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