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My marriage is in trouble

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Priscilla Brown, Mar 31, 2016.

  1. Hi. My marriage is in trouble. My husband and I met 13 years ago in Church and we have been married for 11 years. We have two young children, aged 6 and 2, and I am currently 7 weeks pregnant. Babies N02 and No3 are IVF babies, conceived before baby N01, which was a natural conception. Babies conceived through IVF are still God's creation - you can leave sperm and eggs on a dish in the lab and nothing may happen. Every life is created by our God. And so before embarking on IVF back in 2008 I told my husband that I would only do it if we committed to using all the embryos and not disposing of any human life. He said yes, and we did IVF. We had five embryos - two were transferred but died and three were frozen. The one I am pregnant with at the moment is our last frozen embryo. Husband did not want to do the cycle. He wanted to let the embryo perish, something that to me, would have been tantanamount to having an abortion. He agreed and signed the papers but he is deeply upset/distressed/unhappy that I am actually pregnant. He thought the chances were against (and they were) but here we are. This is only the cherry on top because our problems are bigger and deeper than this pregnancy. He has been telling me that he does not love me and he regrets having married me for three or four years now. He never says I love you. I say I love you to him every day, several times a day. He either does not reply or replies that I am not reciprocated. Ocassionally he replies that he loves me sometimes. He tells me that I look old, that my skin is ugly, that my clothes don't suit me. More importantly, I am extremely passionate when I talk - about anything. I tend to be loud and very, very intense. I have tried to change that but it gets the best of me. No! Those are Child N01's pens, not to be used by Child N02! No! I have only put the advance heating setting twice this year! I don't usually do it! No! I am having a shower first, then I am putting Child N01 to bed, or I will fall asleep and get cold by her side. His response is: don't talk to me like that! Nasty woman! Nasty little bitch! I want a divorce. This marriage is broken. This marriage is not going to last. See you in court. Obviously if he is going to leave me I will not be able to stop him. But I was not going to let that embryo perish because my husband doesn't love me any more or because he has changed his mind and decided that two children is enough. It would have been like killing a baby, nothing less. I find his parents extremely irritating, even though, ojectively, they are nice people. They make comments from me being an old mother, or having grey hair, to no, I'm afraid you cannot have another piece of cake, or what do you need degrees for in life, if we all end up working together anyway? (I am very highly qualified with a PhD from a top university). His mother, in particular, is very, very, very irritating. Very. But he thinks the world of her and she can say anything about me and it's ok. He would never ever stand up for me. Lately, whenever we argue, which is pretty much most of the time, he tells me how much better his mother was/is at .... whatever the issue at hand is. His mother left school when she was 16 and she never held a job or was able to keep herself for a long period of time. She only did casual temporary work. She was a 'housewife', except that her husband was away in the Forces for three months at a time, and her children were in boarding school. I do sometimes wonder, what did she do with all that free time: no job, no husband, no children?! So when he compares me (working full time whilst raising two children) with her, I do get a bit upset, to say the least. Husband is not interested in sex either, and whenever I convince him, he tells me that it was ok, average, not that great. Last year his father announced that he wanted to take us all (his wife, his two children, children's spouses, and grandchildren) on a week long holiday near the sea to celebrate his 70th birthday. At the time we knew we would be doing IVF and there was a possibility I would not be able to travel, due to pregnancy complications, which I always get (and therefore no one from this family would go, as I go nuts if my children are taken away from me for a night, let alone a week). His parents kept on talking about the holiday and obviously there is a very good chance that we may not be going so we both felt uncomfortable every time the holiday came up. Eventually he decided to tell them that I was pregnant, we had used our last frozen embryo, he had done it reluctantly and there is a chance we may not be going on that holiday. It's a conversation he had with them without me being present (but he did tell me he was going to do it). He texted later saying: My parents are fine about it, they don't hold any grudges. Now... why on Earth would the hold grudges? Should they not be happy that they have another grandchild on the way and who cares about a week long holiday compared to the life of a new baby? I could keep on writing for hours, but these are all the points that first came to my mind. There are many, many more, of course. I am no saint. Of course I'm not. But the word divorce does not enter my vocabulary. I adore my husband and I want to grow old with him.
     
  2. So welcome to the forum. I ask that you take a few moments to read through the Community Rules.

    So about your problem. From today on, you need to submit to your husband of you want his respect and love.

    Colossians 3:18 (KJV)
    Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. ​

    The next verse is for your husband, but that's not your place to say, that is God's place. You and your husband are not following the love of Christ in actions. You admit your verbal problem, but odds are that's why he's reacting the way he is. There cannot be two bosses of a company, and God set the man over you and God wants you to submit to him as if he were the Lord. Submit does NOT NOT NOT mean slave. He has a responsibility too, but he needs to hear from the Lord not you. Would you tell your boss off? Would you tell Jesus off? You did the right thing about your child, but aside from breaking the Lord's commandments, you must submit to your husband lest you lose him.
     
  3. G'day Prisclla, I want to comment on the above selected part because I feel it possibly typifies the problem.
    The impression I get from reading your story is that you are being overly possessive and domineering.
    Why would you go nuts if your children are not at home with you? Ok you need to know that they are safe and in good hands, but you are not indispensable. As a father I prided myself on being a hands on dad, I could change nappies...yuk.
    I could and often did feed, cuddle, bath, dress and tuck into bed etc.
    If I were the children's dad, I would certainly take umbrage if I felt I was not trusted, and in addition if my mum and dad who raised me safely were also not trusted.
    Ask yourself honestly, how much resentment are you needlessly generating?
    I'm certainly not saying that you are the only one at fault, but it seem to me that there is a lot you could do to improve the way you are relating to family.
    If my post seems harsh to you, it is only because on a number of points you sound just like my own daughter, so I'm speaking to you as a father might.
     
  4. Thank you, Abdicate and calvin. Lots of food for thought :) That passage about husbands and wives is the passage I chose for our wedding, ironically. I forgot to say that my husband is doubting God, His existence, everything. He tells me to go and pray to 'my God' and asks me why does he allow so much pain in the world, like children dying from cancer, children being killed in war zones, or children dying of starvation. I am taking note of everything you have said though. Anything else you think might help me, please, do write...
     
  5. Tell him because of God gave us free will and man chose sin and we're all suffering for it. It's not God's fault, it's man's, including your husband and me. Be holy for God is holy, a verse most Christians ignore and then blame God for their choice. It's like hating the cops because you robed a bank and now you're going to suffer the consequences, or sorry only because you got caught.
     

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