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My marriage is almost destroyed, please help

Discussion in 'Biblical Advices' started by tcestes, Sep 20, 2007.

  1. My marriage is almost destroyed, please help

    Hello all, just joined tonite and hoping someone can help me. This is long so grab a cup of coffee, snack, whatever.

    Here's the situation. For several years I have not been anywhere near as close to God as I used to be. And a couple of months ago I met another woman and became attracted to her (I am married). This is the first time in 8 years of marriage that the thought or temptation of an affair has become real to me. And sad to say I didn't pass the test. I fell for her hook, line, and sinker. The good news is we did not have sexual relations. But in my mind I definitely did. This woman is also married, and 7 years older than me. Long story short.....

    This rocked on for maybe 2 or 3 weeks until she decided she just wanted to be "friends". Well this upset me pretty hard, because I had already developed feelings for her. (Wife still doesn't know). 8 years ago before I met my wife, I was a devout alcoholic, nonstop, 7 days a week. I gave it all up when I met her and had been sober ever since. I guess all the stress/conviction of this situation got to me and I went and got something to drink. Thinking this would be a temporary thing to get me through. Well this was probably almost 2 months ago and now I'm battling alcohol addictions everyday, and for the most part give in to them.

    Just two weekends ago I came home drunk and my wife found out that I'd been drinking all this time but I didn't tell her about the other woman. Then last weekend I got drunk again and while I was staying at a friends house (because wife asked me to leave) my wife went through all my emails and found out about this other woman. Now the cat is out of the bag so to speak and my marriage is on the rocks. Good news is my wife is willing to work with me and resolve everything....but during the course of this I feel like I've lost all feelings of care/love towards my wife and don't want to work this out. But I know in the bottom of my heart I need to do everything possible to save my marriage because I have a good woman that loves me dearly.

    I feel no remorse for what I've done most of the time. I have prayed for forgiveness and help but it seems like it's all I can do to keep from thinking what fun I'd have being single again. Our marriage has been pretty rocky the 8 years we've been together, but I know thats no excuse.

    Here's my problem in a nutshell...I hear all the time about God's mercy and grace for my problem and how the battle is the lords and not mine. But how do I let him fight this for me? How do I give in and break my own will? I know taking the single path again is not the right choice and I'll probably be dead or in jail within a year if I do.

    I feel the temptations and addictions so strong I feel totally powerless to even pray for help when they come. I'm still talking to this other woman, which is one thing I need to stop doing I know. But again, I feel like I've lost all power to do what's right anymore. Please help.
     
  2. tcestes; First, hello to you as well. I would like to begin by pointing out a fact that may be of benefit to you.

    ....DO NOT! turn to internet forums for psychological direction!

    That being said. I would like to point out to you, a few things that you posted, that you may want to take a closer look at.

    First,......8 years is NOT LONG. You may as well have been married 8 days. Second, you confessed that "YOU" became attracted, and thet "YOU" fell for her.....

    My friend, these things are normal. Personally, I have been married for many years, and I do find myself "attracted" and I do find myself "Interested" from time to time.....

    It happens.

    "And sad to say I didn't pass the test."

    It isn't a "TEST",..... it is a commitment. :)

    I ask you,.... Do you LOVE your wife?
    Do you CARE about her?

    I'm going to be harsh with you right now, but YOU should have decided 8 years ago if your wife meant more to you than a sexual fling or not.

    You cannot turn off your commitment to your wife for some "I think this "chick" is "the one" attitude!

    Maybe this girl looks hot, talks good, says all of the things you want to hear, shares your dreams, and is NOTHING! like your "WIFE!" but...... this is "NOT" the girl you have promised yourself to God to!

    (By the way, GOD placed your wife into your life.)


    Hmmmmm????/ Do you see God at work here? Or do you see Satan at work here?


    God has richly blessed you with a perfect wife. Please don't ignore her. She is there for you, she loves you, she loves God. She loves YOU!! Make it happen man! Don't fall into the trap.

    Alcohol is a nasty, and difficult situation. All I can say is,.... Take your wife in one hand, and a can of beer in the other.....
    Then pray to God for guidance.

    I want you to think HARD! about what you just said!

    Re-read the quote that I just posted!

    Would you not agree, that you are thinking about yourself???!

    Wouldn't you agree, that you just stated that you care more about your own fun, your own desires to be single again, your own desire to be forgiven, ....then you made up some excuses to justify your prayers by stating that your marriage has been "ROCKY" ect????

    Do you want what is best for "YOU?" or what God has called you do do?

    First,......... YEP.

    ...."YOU" are absolutely powerless.

    Dude, you don't stand a snowballs chance in a hot oven.
    You are a miserable sinner, you have violated our Lord in thought, word, and deed. You hold NO power, NO authority, NO RIGHT!

    And for that reason, ....... Christ Jesus,....... suffered, and was nailed to a cross,.... He died,.... for YOU!

    Tell your wife that you love her.

    Tell your girlfriend, that it just aint right...

    And take that "Bottle" of booze,... send it into the depths with the other temptations!
     
  3. If you are looking for help, this is what I'd say to you:

    -confess your hard heart and lust to God
    This doesn't nessesarily mean you feel bad... it could mean that you acknowledge you don't feel bad, and that you want that to change. Be utterly honest before God, and submit to Him. If your heart is not broken over your own sin, ask God to break it.
    -do the same with your wife
    -find a good marriage counselor who will not give the option of divorce
    -break ALL contact with your adulterous partner
    -find help for your addiction to booze. AA, accountability partner, etc.

    I also think you should really look at what love is. I would say love is much more than an emotion or feeling. Love isn't just a decision or commitment either. It's an implementation of your entirety... all that you are, given to another. You do not feel love for your wife... that's okay. That doesn't mean you do not love her. It's really a choice weather you will love her or not.

    Don't expect everything to get better overnight. But begin this process of healing by first of all repenting before God and your wife, and then seeking professional help (that will not advise you to divorce). I hope you do find healing, and that God uses this to teach you great and mighty things that you do not know.

    Don't give up. Jesus won't either.
     
  4. Well, I believe Brother C. gave you some very good advice!
    When we allow the devil to bring us to this situation, we are NOt thinking rationally and are being very selfish.
    I think you know in your heart that if left your marriage under such circumstances that you will have given in to the devil and you will not find the pleasure you now think you have with this woman.
    You have to find the strength within you to just walk away from this temptation or you will regret it the rest of your life.
    You will only find that strength through Christ and will power!
    What made you lose interest in your wife and marriage?
    Maybe you should be honest with yourself and your wife and you both fix what is wrong and both pray and walk together with God.
    Blessings to you~

     
  5. It would seem as though you aren't sorry for the sin- only the
    consequence's- you need to come to a place of honesty with yourself and true repenatance if not you are going to be in for a rough ride sir! There is always power IF we turn to Jesus- I hope you make the right choices- brother Larry
     
  6. Dear tcestes,

    May God be with you!

    When I don't have any answers I pray. In this case, I don't know what to offer you except my sincere prayers for the Will of God to be done for all of you and for all of you to do the Will of God.

    God bless you!
     
  7. Have you considered a program such as Teen Challenge?
    http://www.teenchallengeusa.com/
    It is for adults, not just teens. In fact, I think most of the people I have ever seen who go through the program are adults. They come to our churches every once in a while and give their testimonies, sing, etc.

    I knew a woman personally whose husband went through the program. When he came out, his drug habit was gone, his faith in God was renewed, and his love for his wife was refreshed. (They even got pregnant a couple of months after he got back from the program. :p)
     
  8. You are so blessed to have a good wife. Cling to her with all your heart, bring her flowers every day, recite her love poems every night, get on your knees and beg forgiveness. If you lose her, you will regret it the rest of your life.

    Repent to God and beg forgiveness. The beauty is, "ask and you shall receive", he will wash away all your sins and you will be like a new man.
     
  9. I want to second CShultz and say this isn't the right place for counseling... That being said...

    Why don't you feel remorse? The question is for you. It is not for us to know the answer.
    It's hard to say the things that need to be said without sounding hurtful, but how long do you think you can restrain your flesh under your own power?
    How many people will you hurt in this experiment (which is doomed to failure)?
    There are places in our lives (crossroads if you will) where the decisions we make can never be undone.

    Repent. Seek God's face. Allow His light to shine on you.
    Don't give up until you see yourself through His eyes.
    If you give up it will just be more of the same.
    Your life is broken. You messed it up beyond your ability to repair it. You need a saviour (just like the rest of us).

    I want to be clear:
    Trying hard isn't enough. You can't succeed because it's not about what you think it's about.

    I hope there is someone you can talk to about this.
    I wish I could recommend someone.
    You should talk to the nearest Godly *man* you can find.
    Ask God, He will direct you.

    Forgive me everyone if I've overstepped somehow.
    I do not wish to offend.
     
  10. You were right on target David- there cannot be a real change without repentance. If we are oblivious to the pain we cause or we just don't care it is evidence that we need time in the fire to think about it.
     
  11. think

    You were doomed from the start you change your life for your Wife. She was your life presevere. Not Jesus Christ. also your were doing it for her not you. That makes a big differnce. So of course sooner or later it will begin feeling like a heavy stone.
    You develope the Grass is greener on the other side syndrome. It's not ! It's just your perception. As a man you are to be the head of the house The King and The Priest. You are to love your Wife as Christ Loved the church. It is your responsiblility to find out how to do that. when you do this your Wife will do the things that God has put in order for her on how to love and treat her husband. Take repsonsiblility for what you did and move on to what you are supposed to do. It will be in God's Timing. you have to get right with God. Focus on His word.
    I would get a God's promise's book. So I could look up what I need. Pray every morning and night.
     

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