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My Life And Struggles

Discussion in 'College and Youth' started by JarMil, Jun 27, 2012.

  1. I am one of those people who don't reach out for help. I was raised to suffer in silence. For most of my life I told myself i was doing well, but I cannot lie to myself any more.
    I don't know anyone on this forum and I have no idea if anyone is going to read this, but I figured I would try and reach out here.

    I am not going to go into my back story because its long and depressing. Ill just saying I have severe abandonment issues and I suffer from depression, bouts of anger and anxiety.

    My main issue currently is anger. I can deal with being depressed, to an extent, but anger i have no control over.
    I also and addicted to porn. This tends to come in my times of extreme depression. When I start to feel alone I turn to it. After that I get mad at myself with turns into self loathing and rage which bleeds over to other parts of my life.

    From the outside it is hard to tell any of this because I don't want my family and friends to know the true extent of things, I don't want them to worry..

    I don't know how to deal with any of this and i know its getting worse.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. There's a lot of things to sort out here. You've mentioned a lot of things, anger, depression, anxiety, porn addiction, loneliness, etc., but without your backstory, it is difficult to get a sense of the dynamics of these elements in your life. Let's start with a few things, just to flesh out the picture a bit.

    You mention abandonment issues, who abandoned you?

    Are you going to school? Working?

    Where do you live currently? More to the point, with whom do you live (family, roommates, etc.)

    You say that your primary issue is currently anger. What seems to trigger this anger, and at whom is the anger directed?

    And finally, are you a Christian and do you regularly attend a fellowship - local church, IVCF or other campus organizations, bible study groups, etc.?

    Let's start there and see where that gets us.
     
  3. JarMil, welcome to CFS. I hope you will find some comfort here.

    Regarding the issues that you posted on here, it reminds me of those times when I was highly depressed although it might not be to your extend. You know what helped me. Fellowship with a good Christian church and more than that is my personal time with God. When I feel lonely or anxious or sad or whatever, I just leave everything and cry to God. I am the type who can get really angry but recently with the help of my wife, I've controlled it a lot. Just spend some good time praying knowing that there is a father (God) for you listening to you and also believing that He will answer your prayers at His time. This is my personal experience. Nothing is impossible with God.
     
  4. Rumely,

    I apologize for the vagueness. I was trying to get something posted before i changed my mind.

    I had a rough childhood. I was abused by my alcoholic depressed father, my alcoholic bipolar mother and my sister who had no idea how else to act.
    My father started cheating on my mom when i was young, after spending all his time at work and with other women he was forced out of our family (abandonment number 1).
    My mom could not handle the betrayal and she turned to other men, alcohol and eventually drugs. My sister and i rarely saw her, or my dad (number 2).
    My dad got remarried and my sister decided to leave my mother and I and live with him. I felt obligated to stay with my mom because the last time I openly thought about leaving her she attempted suicide. I was stuck (number 3).
    The last major one is when my mother disappeared. I woke up on morning to go to school but i couldn't find my mom. After a long time of not hearing from her i called the police (this had happened before). After waiting for a while someone from the state came and took me. It turned out that my mom was heavily involved in cocaine and that is where she was. She left me alone in our his in the mountains with no family or friends because drugs were more important. (number 4)

    I am going to school. I go to a community college and i also work at that college.

    I currently live with a roommate, hes a friend from church.

    This things are triggered by some many things. Time alone, not feeling good enough or smart enough. If anything such as a smell, a taste, a sound or a feeling reminds me of any of those events i start to lose it. I was never taught how to deal with any of this so i have been bottling these things up.
    I have never lashed out at anyone. I do tend to be overly sarcastic, to the point where i really start hurt people. And i get a little physical. This is with people i am close to. I try to apologize and explain the hostility.

    I am currently a member of a church and I do consider myself a christian, despite all my short comings and flaws. I go to church every Sunday and i do my best to volunteer where and when i can. I also attend two small groups, when they meet. I also participate in activities outside the church that include church members such as Frisbee, bowling and other random activities.

    I started this about 1.5 to 2 years ago because i had fallen far. I was on the verge of completely destroying my life, but God saw fit to bring me back.
     
  5. Jeff,
    Thank you, I appreciate the advice. It is hard for me to lean on and rely on God. After everything bad that happened in my life i felt abandoned by him. I know he never left me and i know he is the only reason i am here today but i still feel hurt.

    I am trying to get back in a good relationship with him, it is just taking time because i am afraid.
     
  6. JarMil,

    (First, hello and welcome! :) )

    My heart breaks for you, friend. Please forgive, but as mature Christians, we want to say what is the easiest for us, because we’ve experienced it: you need to trust God. However, I can understand your hesitation and would like to offer you, if you will, a “where the rubber meets the road” approach to learning to rely on Him. (I say “learning” because you have been taught previously and have learned how to cover up the pain. He wants you to relearn to walk – only this time, hold onto His hands.)

    Make no mistake, it is God who will remove the hurt and pain and replace it with peace and joy. He is the Great Physician and Surgeon. You only have to be willing. However, in His perfect way, He’s given us free will and your free will must be harnessed for His purposes. So much in this spiritual journey with God is done supernaturally by Him, because He is our Father and Provider and we are so dependent upon Him – we just don’t realize how much sometimes. However, He requires some participation on our part to acknowledge Him for who He is.

    So, this is what I’ve found you can do to help you make the right choices. You as a believer in Christ have been given the ability to do this. You really have!

    This is how you can begin to learn to rely on God:

    1. Spend every waking moment in prayer with God, as much as possible. Remember: prayer = conversation - it's not only a one-way medium, listen for His still, small voice in the middle of the storm.

    2. Surround yourself with Him, His people, His music, His Word, His ideas, His love, His Kingdom. (I especially love the subtle impact Christian music has on my soul…good stuff, here.)

    3. When you feel the onset of pain or find yourself in a tempting situation, physically remove yourself. Find a private place to remove yourself to cry out to Him in your pain. Cry out to Him often. I found (for myself) lying on my stomach in a prostrate position on the floor put me in the right mental position to pour out my spirit to Him. Don’t get me wrong, there is no secret to effective prayer – simply talk to God through your heart and with your mouth. He doesn’t require you to speak to Him in a certain way, just simply pour out your heart in honesty and open yourself up for Him.
    4. Keep this promise in the forefront of your mind. Repeat often.

    Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

    38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    You can see by this verse that He didn’t leave anything out. NOTHING , not one principality, being, power, or anything in creation (He is the Creator, right?) can separate you from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus. This means He will pursue you with a fiery hot passion, His awesome love "demands" this of Him. Even now, He's pursuing a right relationship with YOU!!

    You are on my prayer list, Jarmil. Keep on pursuing Him. In Him you will find peace and deliverance from your old habits and sinful behaviors. You will find Him, He already promised that!

    Jeremiah 29:13 (NLT)
    "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."

    On a personal note, if you read some of my testimony, you might notice I have had my share of real issues, stresses and temptations in this lifetime and I am sure I will have more. However, I will tell you, you can't manufacture the clear conscience (aka peace) which comes from making the right choice and knowing He is pleased with your right choice. It feels waaaaaay better than the immediate gratification you receive by partaking in the sinful behavior.

    Lastly, my friend, don't give up. I have learned in my good times and bad, God is faithful and He will not be mocked. He will finish what He's started in you. Jesus is not only the AUTHOR of your faith, He is the FINISHER. He is faithful to all of us! And, Lord willing, you will be in the position at sometime to help someone along the way with the experiences God has allowed you to have. We have been shaped into who we are by where we've been and what we've experienced. Let God use those experiences that you've had to help someone who's hurting. He wants you to trust Him that there is something better for you around the corner. You can't see around the corner; He can.

    Much love to you in Christ on your pursuit for His Truth!
     
  7. I really appreciate this, i am not sure you can fully understand how much this means to me. Your writing brought tears of joy to my eyes.

    I have been trying to keep in his word and to pray continuously, but i always fall short. I will continue to keep persuing this because God is the only reason i am here.

    I want so much to be a better person, i want to make a difference in his kingdom. I first need to resolve things from my past. God has brought me a long way and he has continued to bring me further.

    I will do my best to put these things into practice.

    Thank you so much.
     
    covered_by_grace likes this.
  8. We all fall short, JarMil, and He's okay with that. In fact, it's no surprise to Him. You keep on pursuing and He will be with you every step of the way as you work through things with Him. I'll keep praying for you. :)
     
    faeriecat likes this.
  9. Thank you very much
     
  10. You are welcome!
     
  11. hey jarmil

    looks like your doing good for now but God knows everything, your problems, your flaws, your shortcomings, your advantages but he also knows the farther roads

    keep close to Him and bring lil baggage(the good stuff in your life) with you and dont go on other roads

    keep praying bro and keep you head up, Ill be praying for you and God bless you.
     
  12. Read my post in Feeling Guilty For Dealing with Lust and Temptation. Ill add that you can clean your life up for Jesus as much as you can. But sin, pain and struggles are normal in a broken world. You have to learn to roll with the pain when it comes. Allso about anger and feelings like it, learn to resist them. In time they will dull.
     

  13. Thank you, I seem to always stray away from him after moments of things going well. I have the hardest time staying near him. Thank you for your prayers.
     

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