My Ex Still Loves Me, But Needs To Be Single For An Unknown Period Of Time

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Hopeless J, Jul 23, 2015.

  1. Ok, here it is summed up... My ex and I (both 25 y/o) were neighbors growing up. We were not close, but knew each other most our lives. 8 months ago we reconnected when she joined the bible study I lead and right away had an insane chemistry. I learned right away that she had moved back north to her mom's as a fresh start after an abusive and damaging relationship with the guy she had been with. Her new years resolution was to be single for a while and to work on growing as a person (insecurity, confidence, self esteem). I respected that and didn't press it because I wanted her to be comfortable and for it not to impact her ability to make friends with our group.

    It did not take long though (2-3 weeks) for us to be talking so often and to be so into each other that we started to hang out one on one. First time we did we ended up seeing each other Friday night through Sunday evening. We clicked and fell for each other like I have never seen or experienced before. It all felt like it was planned by God, the way we met, the closeness I felt with her and Him when it all began. She grew up going to my church, and it all felt so... right. I continuously have prayed throughout our relationship for God to show me what he has planned for me, whether my future is with her.
    This continued for months. We fell insanely in love and although it felt like time flew by, it seemed that we had grown as close as if we had been together for 2 good years. Through the good though, there was a constant presence of her stress and insecurity. It would cause some problems, but I was patient and understanding and always defused it.

    8 weeks ago when each of us took 5 day trips apart, she started realizing how depended she was on me, and the stress it was causing and felt that she needed to truly be single and didn't want a relationship. See, she had been in relationships almost non-stop since the age of 16, and had never taken time to be single and focus on herself. She expressed this to me and I was obviously bothered and sad by it... she said she still loves me and doesn't want me waiting on her, but does hope that if she is lucky and I am still available when she heals and is done being single, that we can end up together. She has made it clear that she does not want to be single to date, and if she did want to date it would be with me.

    I struggled with whether I should cut contact all together to help her through this, but part of me thought she was just having a bit of a phase of stressing out and would come back soon. Reason to think this is because even to this day she can't go a day without talking to me, and for a while wanted to see me a lot still. As time went on though she started hanging out with her restaurant work friends more and more after work or on the weekends, and me less and less. I started stressing more and more over it and feeling abandoned, would bring up my feelings to her... far too often. She says that the reason is because she doesn't have feelings for them like she does for me and needs space so she can feel truly single. I struggled with this concept because I felt that if she truly loves me, she should want to be with me enough that she will make it work, even if timing wasn't ideal with her wanting to be single.

    What I was told by friends and herself is that it is not that she simply chooses to be single, it is that she has to be. She needs to feel whole and stand on her own feet, do things for herself, make decisions for herself, and become more confident before she can give any of herself to someone else. She lost her self identity and confidence in the last relationship and can't be in a relationship till that is back.

    The unfortunate part is she struggles with anxiety, and as a result along with other stress in her life, she is unable to give me hope that we will get back together, or how long this phase she is in will last for. She says ideally if she ended up with anyone it would be me and she would like to be with me someday, but she can't think about that right now.

    Lately I have messed up. Neither one of us wanted to cut contact because we are each too important to the other's life, but while keeping in contact every day, she has given me less and less of her time to hang out. I understand her reasoning, but it contradicts what she says about how important I am to her. The lack of seeing her and the distance that has occurred causes me to stress, so in the past 6 weeks the majority of the weeks have been more stress/bad than positive. We get into serious conversations almost every day where each of us has different views, wants, and so on. She has been close a few times to giving up all together and cutting contact in anger. I know I need to do better at being just a friend which is what she needs from me.

    Honestly, I can't be just a friend without knowing she still loves me. I love her too much and could never move on and be with someone else and still have her in my life. My stressing lately has caused her to be pushed farther away, and to harden more and more. It is to the point that she can't/doesn't want to feel or think about a future with me like she did when she first wanted to be single. She said just last night she still loves me, but doesn't know if we will ever get another chance.

    Part of my struggle is the double standards. She wants space and to feel single with no stress, so she doesn't want me texting or calling a bunch when she is out with friends. She doesn't want stress from my insecurity with whether she meets a guy, or dances with a guy, or any of that. When I go out though, she gets insecure as well and jumps to conclusions that I am out to meet girls (sign she isn't ready for a relationship yet I know). She doesn't want me to open up too much and get serious with her (just a friend), but when I don't talk as much as I usually do or open up as much, she thinks I am being short and gets upset. She doesn't like when I text her because she hasn't text back in a couple hours when out with friends but 40 minutes after not texting her back sends a text showing that she takes it personally that I hadn't text her back.

    I know these are red flag signs that she has growing to do, I am just unsure what to do. I don't want to stop talking to her, but I know I need to separate myself till I am able to be just friends with her. I don't know whether I need to shut off my emotions, stop caring, never initiate texts, or what to help me get to a place where I am ok with this situation. I have been praying a lot to God about this, but so far it does not seem that he has answered and I am feeling lost.

    I am looking for any advice on how to handle this beyond the typical guy response of "she isn't worth it dude, just move on". I truly feel like God has a bigger purpose for us meeting than what has happened so far, and need advice from those that have either been the one that needs to be single, or been the one that has successfully lived through this from my side. I need to know what to do in order to give us the best chance at getting another shot down the road. Also, if you have needed this "single time" before, how long did it take you to get through this time?

    I know I need to trust in God, and know whatever the outcome if I give my life to God it will all work out, but that doesn't always help in the moment. I have tried that, but with how God works sometimes it is easy to still feel alone even when I know I am not. I pray very day for him to help heal her, make her whole, show me what his plan is, give me strength and patience and confidence... Beyond that though I don't know what to do, but I know I need to stop putting pressure on her and stressing her out. Unless God shows me he has a different plan for me, I want more than anything to marry this girl someday. Please help give me some wisdom/insight.
  2. Sounds like she has a lot of work to do.... and so do you...

    God requires some people to remain single while He works directly with them - preparing them to be married..... It's work that no one else can do for you.

    During this time period - if you try to force things.. If you insist on pushing into a permanent relationship - you will most likely end up making a mess that will require a LOT more work to undo....

    Step 1. Quit trying to fix her. You can't do it. All you will accomplish is making her resent you.
    Step 2. Work on yourself instead. Pray to God that he will prepare you to be the husband of the wife he is preparing for you. Be intentional... Ask God to open up to you areas that need work....
    Step 3. Pray that God will prepare your wife for you.
    Step 4. Let go of the girl. Let her go live her own life. Move on with your own life. Trust me - you don't want to be the warm shoulder... It never works - all you end up doing be being "that friend"..... You are better off backing completely away for the time and let God do His thing.

    Notice something important here... This one may not BE your wife.... God is preparing someone for you - and that's who is going to be your wife IF you can bring yourself to humble yourself to God's will and be obedient....

    If it's this girl - then God will make a way when the time is right... God will open the door and no one will shut it. If it's NOT - then all you are doing is beating your head against the hardest wall you have ever encountered.... But - while you are beating your head against the wall - you will IGNORE and Blind yourself to the one who God is sending your way...

    Either way - the evidence is that it's not the time for that right now... That means that THIS is the time to work on YOU.

    Klub and Fish Catcher Jim say Amen and like this.
  3. John,

    Thank you so much for the reply. I liked what you had to say even if it is tough to hear. I have been trying to understand what God's plan was for bringing her into my life and vise versa. I have been trying to make myself open to him. I have been hurt a lot in my past and was about ready to give up trusting people or opening up to people when she came into my life. I was in a good place with God, but definitely had walls up. I opened up to my ex like I have never done before. I felt a connection with her that I have never felt before. I have also never hurt as bad as I have lately losing her...

    Being hurt like this again doesn't have a positive impact on me, it hasn't made me have more of a desire to love again, it has had the opposite effect. I struggle to believe that this is it for us, that this was God's plan and we are done. This leaves me worse off than before, so I do not see his purpose. That is why I am trying to hold onto hope that he has bigger plans for us both, that our book is not yet done being written.

    Is this a foolish thought? Am I refusing to surrender to God by wanting to see this? Considering she has not through the stress of the past 6 weeks left and still says she loves me, I am hoping that means something... maybe not now because she is not ready and needs to work on herself, but hopefully in the future. How do I come to peace with that? How do I gain strength from God to not give in and text my insecurities to her at night when I am feeling lonely?

    It almost feels like satan is trying to tear us apart, like he is playing off of my insecurities. I will be fine, bummed with the situation but under control, but then this cloud will come over me and I lose reason. A little insecurity will blossom and evolve into something much greater. For example... the other day I knew she was going out with one of her good friends to country dance. I felt a bit uneasy at the idea of other guys getting to dance with her, be so close with her, share that experience with her. It should have ended there, I should have found comfort in all she has said about how she cares about me and isn't wanting to date while being single. She texts or calls me every day which should mean something. But in that moment it is like I forget all of that and my mind just obsesses over the insecurity. It evolves from just dancing with guys to "why hasn't she text me back? has she met a guy? Or is she meeting up with one of her guy work friends who she says she doesn't like? They hang out in groups a lot and always are in pictures next to each other, maybe she does like him..."

    This is when I snap and reach out to her and things get serious in convos. I know it is wrong, but for some reason it is almost ike I can't help it. Besides praying and reading the Bible, do you have any other advice? I am distancing myself from her and trying to live my life, but I can't seem to stay away from her, and as much as I am praying to God, it doesn't seem like he is totally closing the door. We went on a trip we had previously planned to visit her dad in Tampa about 5 weeks ago. I prayed that God use the trip to show me his plan for us... The trip was amazing. If anything it showed me how perfect we are together. With how things are now it has me confused.

    I'm basically a wreck haha. I have no idea what I am doing.
  4. I am going to be a little harsh here.

    I think you answered your own question. You know what you need to do and you don't want to do it.

    Do you honestly think that God's perfect choice for you is a woman who can't make a commitment to you to only date you? What's going to happen in Marriage when she decides that she needs to "Go find herself"... Culture is going to encourage her to go get into somebody else's bed... Culture is going to encourage her to ignore and hate her commitment to you...

    Marriage is REALLY hard - you need a rock solid foundation of trust and fidelity, and you don't have anything resembling that.

    When we walk by "Faith" - we look for the evidence that this is TRULY God - not simply "Evidence of what I want to see".... and everything you have presented is what I would term "evidence pleasing to your eyes"....

    So - for example.. The fact that she calls you to talk isn't evidence of anything at all.... The fact that you guys had a fun trip together isn't evidence that she is the one for you. The fact that she takes you to meet her parents may only prove that she wants to put on a good show for her parents....

    On the other hand - the fact that she wants to date other guys, doesn't want to commit to you, wants to go out and dance with other guys, doesn't want to be "tied down" to you, and all the rest of your laundry list IS clear evidence that she ISN'T.

    Do you have real, tangible evidence of a true commitment? Evidence that she is forsaking all others? Evidence that God is preparing her to be your wife? No - not at all.. The evidence you have all points the opposite way - that she is off doing her own thing. That's not the foundation of preparation to be your faithful wife....

    Klub and Fish Catcher Jim say Amen and like this.
  5. if someone wants to be with you they have to be there and want you 100% or else its a sign it wont work.
    Cturtle, Abdicate and Fish Catcher Jim says Amen and like this.
  6. Dear full of Hope J,
    I have learned over the years that GOD does not take a person from a bad situation or abusive relationship and then pass them off to someone else. People do this !!
    God will first work in and through a person and get them standing stron in Him before He will give them over to some one else.

    Other wise they simply drag the old baggage into the new relationship and in time it goes south too.

    Please do not be so quick to feel God brought her into your life. People do things all the time that God had nothing to do with.

    I am NOT saying she is ir is not the one for you - HOWEVER you will not ever know this for sure until you give it allover to God and spend time seeking Him. This means praying for her and not that God would wake her up or change her thinking. Nope you need to pray blessings over her and pray in her behalf and be will to say you want the best for her even if you are not in the picture. God will lead you in prayer.

    It is Hard but brings the best results and I also will say you have some very good advise in the other post in this thread.
    God Bless
    Mercedes Benz E Class and Klub say Amen and like this.
  7. This may sound harsh, but its what needs to be said.

    You need to cut all "recreational" and relational contact from her. Do not be mean about it, love her like a sister in Christ, but keep a distance from her with the intimate and deep conversations that should be reserved for people who are courting.

    For your own good, you need to cut the strings. Guard your heart as Proverbs 4:23 says. At this moment, it sounds like you feel you need to be there for her, wait for her, and she will come back to you. On the other hand, she is busy living the single life, while still keeping in contact with you as a "backup" plan. right now you are in a place that can cause a ton of emotional and spiritual pain. Let go of her, take some time to pray, fast and focus on God. If you find yourself worried about her, pray and turn to the Word.

    Out of direct experience and observation, a woman who comes from a long line of relationships, and relationships with abuse has many heart problems. Even if she does want to get back together with you, more than likely she will do something along the same lines again, knowing that you will come back. It becomes a long cycle of emotional ups and downs that distract you from your walk with God. She has much growing to do, and neither of you will grow with the way things are.
    Mercedes Benz E Class and Fish Catcher Jim say Amen and like this.
  8. Hopeless this is a sign of a "Friendationship"

    I have been there before believe me:
    ( )

    If a relationship is right for you and the timing is also right, there is no back and forth.
    They don't blow hot and cold.

    She is exploring her options while she keeps you on hold.

    Go on a fast and ask God to help you get over it.

    I just did! and I have started to look at other guys who may be 100% available for me rather than the one.

    If its meant to be, it will be in the right time. Just let totally go of her and trust and believe that God
    has a beauty for you :)

    Also be practical about the way you go about seeking a mate. What if its a girl in your group that you
    ignored but never took the chance to get to know. Get to know people without first investing your heart.

    Hope this helps.
  9. Worst thing about this type of relationship is that it keeps you away from your potential real relationship
  10. This statement here is so valid. Eventually we defraud ourselves in such relationships. Make a demand that you are either all the way or out. By setting that standard you protect yourself from a. if they are not yours and b. if they are yours they will man up. Shape up or ship out.

    You deserve the best and you should have the guts to demand it or leave the place open for someone who will give it to you.
  11. Why is it that folkis get them selves into these kind of Jams then cry out to God for help.
    Would it not be easier to simply seek God in a mate and trust this to Him and wait patiently for Him to bring the two of you together ?

    I can speak for my self here. I used to think I coul do a better job at choosing a spouse. I used to think I knew better and I used to fall into the old religious way, if it seems so right it must be God type or way of life.

    Thank God I grew out of that stage - I can say waiting on Him and not getting ahead of Him or bickering about how you are so lonely and every one else has a spouse and giving Him free range to work will ALWAYS bring you a spouse far better in every way you can dream of then YOU will ever be able to do. Not to mention He knows your future and He knows which couples to put together in order to empower each other and become a solid powerful praying team in Christ.

    God Bless
    Mercedes Benz E Class likes this.

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