Let me first say that it wasn't until recently that my inner faith and my views of God began to change. Ultimately it was with God's help and my own self realization that led me to this point but it was also influenced by a most special woman whom I grew to love over the past year plus. For most of my life I've been weak in faith and only reached out to God at the best and worst of times. I realize now that this is not what my relationship with God is meant to be. I lost my father at the age of 8 due to a heart attack and watched my mother who had a strong sense of faith, struggle with raising my sister and I alone. A few years after his death when I was old enough to form my own opinions I began to blame him for his death and was angry at him. How could he do this to me and especially my mother? I was weak of faith and I let anger and fear creep into my heart. I've always been a moral person and a pretty good man but at the same time I didn't try to live like Jesus did and have pure faith in what I couldn't see physically. So from a young age until the end of 2013 I continued to have this corrupted relationship and connection with God. At the end of 2012 I met a nice woman from match.com whom I fell in love with as time went on. I work a lot and I'm shy to some degree so this was the easiest way for me to look for someone to get to know. Before I responded to her profile via e-mail there were 2 things I saw in her profile that stuck out to me. One, she wanted to be with someone that she could be good friends with and secondly she wanted someone she could share a relationship with God together. She said this was something she would have "liked" to share but it was not necessary. I wasn't sure if I should respond to this person but I got the courage to do so. Something inside said YES. The world is becoming a scary place with evil running rampant and while I wasn't very religious I have always wanted a good, moral woman who deep down inside was a loving person. I found out later on that she had tried Christian Mingle before Match but had no luck and maybe that's why she said it was not necessary. Also I was her only serious relationship she has ever had. Throughout 2013 our relationship began to grow and I felt closer to her as time went on. Now this woman had a very difficult time expressing her inner feelings to me, as well as to other people, and she told me this up front before we had ever met. This was just how she was but I excepted that because we are all far from perfect. Still I was compelled to get to know her because I could relate to her in that way. I used to be very shy and never expressed how I felt well but life changed me and I became more outgoing as the years went by. I'm 35 and she is 28. I was raised Catholic and she was raised Presbyterian and this doesn't bother me because I don't want religion to divide people, but rather to bring us all closer together. She invited me to her church about 5 months after we met for a fundraising concert in which she was singing in. This was also the first time I met her mother, father and sister. She also invited me to her church a few weeks before Christmas for a sing-along and puppet show. She also invited my mother to come as well and it was the first time all of us were together in a house of God. At that moment in church I finally felt a comfort blanket me and I felt like I truly belonged. I even reached out to God at that point and promised him that if something did go wrong in our relationship that I would not be angry with or blame him for it. I felt all this love flow into my heart and soul and it wasn't just from all of them, but it was also from me allowing God's love to enter my heart. Right before New Year's she sent me a text message picture of a devotional she had read that day explaining about anxiety about the future. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25 Towards the end of 2013 work began to get to me and I let others at work anger me and it began to make me worry about all sorts of things going on in my life. It began to consume me some but still being with her made the pain much less and I thought at that time that was enough.... On New Years day I looked at her at one point and suddenly became concerned about my soul. Was I going to go to heaven? I was a good man but not a good Christian. I thought about her and all the others I loved and wondered if I would see them in the after life. I knew if my life ended on that very day that I most likely wouldn't go to heaven because I wasn't living as God would have wanted me to. It hit me hard. She also sent me another devotional near the end of January about being strong and courageous, similar to the one she sent me earlier. "This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 I think she saw my anxiety and reached out to me in this way. She had never done so before until the end of last year. We hardly got to see each other in February due to snow and ice storms. I had to make up lost time at work and she was a nurse so she always had to make sure she could get to and from work so we had to cancel some of our dates. And after a nice date in early March she sent me a text the next day saying that she needed to talk to me. I knew then that something was wrong and that she was most likely going to end her relationship with me. I went to see her as she wanted and she told me that over the past few months she began to have a gradual disconnect with me. She said she didn't want it to be this way and so on but that she didn't want to be dishonest with me. She said I couldn't change her feelings but she also said she didn't know why she felt this way now. Of course I took this hard and was immediately hurt and in despair. She told me if her feelings changed for me even in the slightest that she would contact me via e-mail to let me know. I not only lost my girlfriend that day but also someone who became one of my best friends. I had family and some friends supporting me but I felt lonely and hurt. I did however keep my promise to God and I never was angry at him for it nor blamed him either. I did ask why and wondered why but I never showed anger. From that point on I have gone to church every week and went to the Stations of the Cross and so on. It made me feel better inside and I began to remind myself that God is always there with me. He doesn't grant wishes or fix everything but he is there for support. I began to realize over the past month plus that I need to love God more than anyone because without God I wouldn't be here on earth and I wouldn't have all the great moments, memories and so on that I have right now. Without God I would have never met her and so on. I pray to God everyday now for others and for him to give me strength to be a better Christian and to help others and live to my life the way Jesus did and to just have pure, true, honest faith in him. With all this said I had never told my ex any of this that was going inside with me while we were together and not together. I see the love God has for me through the little ways she had reached my heart and soul. I realize God has to be the most important presence in my life but I also don't think I would have changed, or changed as soon as I did, without knowing my her. Also her ending our relationship accelerated my feelings with God. I have spent the last few weeks making sure the changes I have towards God were not just because I missed her and loved her still but that they were genuine and pure. I believe now they are. I see now how in a relationship a connection with God and the one you love needs to be shared and understood. I have read the bible almost every day and I continue to pray for God, the world and for everything I can think of. I ask some things of God but it is no longer just about me and selfish desires. I know that's not what loving God and having faith is all about. I feel happy inside that I was able to come to a point where my faith and feelings for God are becoming stronger but I also realize this is a life long struggle and I have so so so much more to understand and learn. I haven't talked to my ex in over a month and I guess what I'm asking all of you is, Is it ok to let her know how her influences on me helped restore my faith in God? She was only a small part because only "I" can make the true connection with God but she did help. I know now why she wanted that connection with God in a relationship but it took her ending our relationship for me to see that. I'm a better person now for having known her and for understanding this. Is it wrong for me to want to be with her again? Still deep inside I do miss her and still care about her. Is this wrong to feel this way? I can't help wanting to tell her about my journey in regards to my faith. I know my relationship with God is a personal one but it's also something I truly want to share, especially with her. I'm contemplating telling her all of this in a few weeks time but just wanted some feedback from people who are stronger than I and who might see things I do not. She might have given me the best gift anyone can give another. With God's help, she led me from darkness into new light. And since I never told her any of this I feel compelled to do so. Sorry if I rambled on I just want to let my heart speak. Thank You for your time and support. God Bless all of you !!!