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my daughter

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by Ginger, Aug 12, 2011.

  1. My ex hired my daughter to work in one of the stores he oversees - even tho it is against company policy, he did manage to get it okay'd.

    Then he started her working in the store a mile from his apartment. So she was getting more hours and she began spending more time at his house to save on miliage.

    Needless to say she has spent more time there then at home this summer. I have gotten the impression from others that they think she lives there, so I asked my daughter if that is what she would like. She said diffinitely, "no", but this has gone on all summer and three times people have made comments and three times I have asked and three times she has said she does not want to live with her dad.

    In addition, her father takes her on fun trips and it seems to be one big party for her when she is not working.

    I have been concerned because he is not a responsible parent and when he has trouble he calls me and expects me to fix everything (and be the disciplinary)

    Anyway, she will be 17 in a couple months and I don't feel there would be much point in arguiing if she wants to live there. But yesterday I felt very stressed out over it because altho it is fun for her with no respponsibility other than getting to work on time, I really don't think it is the best situation for her.

    So, I thought, why am I stressing and I prayed to God. I told Him how I felt and turned the situation over to Him.

    This morning I got another call about the problems he is having and I was compassionate and understanding but told him I can't parent from a distance. I told him she doesn't listen to or respect him (which he already admitted) because he doesn't follow thru. In her mind it is a case of dad said, but it's just empty threats.

    I told him he needs to deal with the situation and I will not take responsibility for what happens in a situation I have no control over. I told him I can't tell her anything because if she lives there and he doesn't follow thru then she will also lose respect for me and think she doesn't have to listen to me. I told him what I would do, which usually goes in one ear and out the other, and to my surprise, he talked to her and she said she was coming home.

    I'm happy that she is home, but now I need to decide how this new issue will be dealt with.

    He is trying to get me to do what he is afraid to do. To be fair, he is stuck in a bad spot because he is both father and boss.

    But i am not going to parent his style.
  2. I'm back!!! :)

    So, as I was saying.... He wants me to confront a guy who he thinks is her boyfriend and he wants me to "fire" her!!!!!

    I am not making this up. .....

    He said she is a very good worker and he was about to promote her which would have included a substantial raise in pay, but because he can't separate his "parenting" from his boss duties, he wants me to tell her she can't work there anymore!!!!!!!

    Anyway, I told him that he cannot bring personal problems into the work place. He needs to step back and let her immediate supervisor worry about her job - which there is no problem with.

    As for the "boyfriend", he is a co-worker and she is friends with many of her co-workers. I am not going to say anything to him, because there is a store manager who will deal with it if it becomes a problem.

    Over the winter, I started having a little trouble getting her to school on time and told her she has two jobs - school and work. School is #1 and if she can't keep up in school she would have to give up her job.

    Problem solved.

    I believe I was acting within the bounds of parenting.

    However, if she is late to work, I could tell her she is putting her job at risk and remind her that her dad stuck his neck out to get her this job, but that's where I draw the line. It is not my place to interfere with her job. If there is a problem at work it is between her and her immediate supervisor.

    Anyway, I am glad she is not moving out. We have seen so little of her this summer - we really missed her.

  3. He wants to fire her because she might have a boyfriend? I'm having a difficult time fathoming his thinking on this from either boss or parent perspective. If she's doing a good job and if this boy (whatever her actual relationship with him is) isn't leading her into trouble, I don't see where he needs to do anything in particular about it at all.

    I am imagining her next job interview. "And why did you leave your last job?"
    "Well, my father....well, actually, my mother...fired me because he thought I had a boyfriend....."
  4. lol

    Well, my ex has always been kind of psycho about our daughter. He has been having some problems with her going out without asking - just taking off when he is sleeping.

    The first time he found out was when the other kids were there. My youngest had a loose tooth and it started bleeding and he called me to ask what to do - seriously! He called in the middle of the night to ask what to do.

    He called me back a little later and said she was gone. I really don't know why she didn't just ask if she could go out. She's almost 17. I told him to text her.

    When she was 14 I found out he was checking her text messaging, and texting the boys she talked to. I told him not to do that he would get in trouble, and wouldn't you know a day or two later one of the boys threatened to call the police on him if he kept texting him.

    I really don't have any problem checking up on my kids - it keeps them honest.
    I always make parents call me and invite my kids to stay overnight before I allow them to spend the night anywhere, but to be constantly monitoring every email, text or phone call, that just gets a little insane.

    He used to do that to me too. I would have never known, because I never did anything I wasn't supposed to be doing, but after the afair before we moved, he told me how he was monitoring my activity on the PC. He apparently could split his screen at work and see what I was doing at home while he worked on the other have of the screen! He was telling me how he couldn't get his work done because of it Well duh!!!!

    That's what happens when you can't be trusted - you are suspicious of everyone else!

    Anyway, I am feeling very happy. I said a prayer yesterday because I was stressed about my daughter possible deciding to live with her dad and BAM! The next day it's taken care of - God works fast!!!!!

  5. Ginger,
    I have already, just now, lifted this up to our LORD.

    Before I converted ad was saved, my second ex, against Court Order took my son to New Hampshire. When he was 14, over five years later, he yearned for the true love of his father and came home to live with me. She let him do anything, including get hooked up on Rock Cocaine but he remembered who used the Belt of Discipline and because of that he knew I loved him. He also told me that he saw the checks arrive every week even though she never allowed him any of it but used it to buy her personal drugs.

    I am not fool enough to pretend to be able to give you a perfect formula for your situation, there are none! However, I say that you have a good grip on the situation ad he needs to be the one to fire her, he was man enough, he thought, to hire her... that makes it his duty to fire her and if you do his job for him it will do nothing for your relationship with him or her.

    God bless and stay true!
  6. Ginger - wow, what a sticky situation. First, I want to say I absolutely am glad to see what a good mom you are! I seee so much neglect and so much abuse happening to kids at the daycare that it makes me sad that parents just do not care about their children, but you do.

    I think it's absolutely great that you prayed about it! Your ex def seems to be going through some stuff. :/
  7. Thanks guys!

    My ex isn't going thru stuff. This is the way it has always been. He is a charismatic (but very twisted) person who seems to always get what he wants, so my only hope not to be trampled under his feet, is God.

    It's a relief to know she is staying here.

    However, there are some things he promised her that we need to discuss. She wanted to do online school so she could continue to get summer work hours all year long. My thought has always been school is a child's first job and main priority. We may have a little debate over that.

    It is very difficult for me when he promises them things before discussing it with me. It places me in a position of always being the "bad guy." He invited he to go to Mexico in September - when she'll hve to take off school without saying a word to me! I haven't discussed it with her as why should I fight all summer long, when we can discuss it when the time comes and save ourselves weeks of agony.

    But the point is, he should not have ask her to go without first talking to me!!!! I have 100% legal custody and physical placement. He signed them away for his girlfriend. So it really annoys me that he places me in a position of saying no after the fact.

    Oops, now I am complaining..... I really have little to complain about. God has taken well care of me and the children. It has been a struggle, but He always makes everything work out in the end! :)

    And this site has been a blessing.....kind of a journal with a summary of events to help me cope and think things thru.

  8. Right Bill,

    If she needs to be fired, it is her employee's responsibility.

    However, he says she's a "hard worker" and does a great job! As her boss he has no grounds to fire her. She has an immediate supervisor who has zero problems with her!!!!

    I suggested he step back and let the store managers from each location deal with her employment. Then he can concentrate on being a dad. He should also stop spying on her because he can't take thew stress! He acts more like an insainly jealous boyfriend than a father. He needs to separate the two roles. And he can - if he keeps his nose out of the managers' affairs.

    The boys are going to their dad's today and she is off this weekend...I think. So I am going to talk to her about some options with work and hopefully that will help her make good decisions. I will also have to make time to discuss school.

    My main concern it that her dad won't be able to control himself and end up putting his own job at risk!!!!! Things are getting better for me slowly, but I am not in a position to keep up this big house and support four child on my own!!!

  9. Hmm.. sounds like to me he needs to go back to school and get some priorities straightened out, and learn to do his job again. lol. Poor guy.
    I'm so glad you are taking all of this nonsense really well and certainly leaving it in God's hands since yours are tied in this situation. :) It's really inspiring.
  10. Well, it ain't easy!!!!!

    It always amazes me how God answers my prayers and everything works out for the best - not always what I am hoping for, but always for the best.

    BTW, I had a talk with my daughter about school ....thinking this would be a problem.... but she is okay with going back to public school!!!!

    Although she did ask about getting a GED instead. :)

    Maybe the time she spent with her dad this summer won't have as much fallout as I expected.

  11. Okay, my ex has gone off the deep end. If he was her boyfriend I would get a restraining order against him.

    I talked with him and hopefully it sunk in, because he is going to get himself arrested or fired if he keeps going like this.

    Please pray. We really need it
  12. Noted. Now praying.... [​IMG]
  13. also praying but if he doesn´t settle down you can take him back to Divorce Court and get the visitation modified. He really needs to get a grip before he is cut off from all visitation, just the way Iǘe seen happen here in Texas.
  14. As my weekend draws to a close, I have had opportunity to talk with my daughter and everything is straightened out.....at least as far as mother - daughter stuff goes.

    I really thought I would have trouble with sending her to public school this fall, but she has agreed to go back to school without any trouble. Yeah!

    I also told her I did not want her to go to Mexico this September with her father, thinking this would also lead to rebellion. But she conceded and will be in school where she belongs!! Double yeah!!!!!

    I wish parenting was always that easy. :D

    As for her father, I spoke with him this morning and he didn't comment one way or the other, so I guess we'll just wait and see what happens.

    I just pray he doesn't do anything to place his job in jepardy.

    Christine likes this.
  15. I am glad it is working out, but it does seem like a hard situation!

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