Married and disappointed

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by warriorbride, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. Hello,

    Just to give you all a little background on my marriage, we've been married for 3 1/2 years now. It was a whirlwind courtship although we both felt we knew our union was from the Lord and even felt we had confirmation of that on numerous occasions. We are both older, this is my first marriage and my husband's second marriage. I was 42 when we married, and I'm 9 years older than him. His first wife cheated on him and left him for that person. They had no children. We both want children but unfortunately, due to health issues for both of us early in our marriage that is not likely at this point so we have decided to adopt as soon as we get on our feet financially. Thus brings on our strife and dilemmas.

    While my husband's health issues are now resolved. I struggle with numerous health issues, one of which being fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I have excruciating joint and nerve pain that I live with daily. Years ago I had to leave my field in healhcare and work part time from home. It was a huge pay cut but i was able to take better care of myself and have a better quality of life. When we were first married, both I and my husband werent making alot of money and we could barely afford our rent every month. He refused to get a second job or a better paying job so I decided to go back to my field and trust that God would help me. In the meantime he was going to school for a new filed. I did this for two years, working mandatory overtime, and having a huge caseload that caused me to remain in a state of constant stress. Toward the end I was constantly in the ER and my Dr. told me I was killing myself and needed to scale back. Subsequently my husband was demoted and he lost all motivation to continue college in this new field he had chosen. Despite my encouragement to not let this slight blip in the road take away all the work he had done toward his classes. He ended up not finishing school and decided that field wasn't for him.

    Again, my husband never stepped up to the plate and got a 2nd job etc. Our only recourse was to move to another state where my family owned a home we could live in rent free. It's been two years and we are still in the exact same situation. My husband took a very low paying job,I work part time from home. I've tried to encourage him in stepping up and being a provider. i offered to work full time again to support us while he went to a trade school or something , he refuses. I feel he has no motivation and doesn't seem to think there is much wrong with the way we are living. He just feels his job will eventually promote him and we will wait until then. There is no sense of urgency about it for him. Meanwhile, we are not paying rent, we are only getting older and the thought of having a newborn baby at 50 years old scares me. I just feel all our dreams slipping away and I feel resentful because it feels like he doesn't love me enough to step outside his comfort zone and be a provider.

    We fight alot now. I've lost respect for him in a lot of ways because there's a deep selfishness and self centeredness about him that i was blind to before. Ive always been the type to lay down my life for others. My husband is not like that at all. I'm so hurt that he sees how badly i suffer in pain and doesn't try to go out and be a better provider. There's things that i need that could help my condition but we simply can't afford them. If this was the other way around i would do anything for him because i love him so much. I'm not sure what to do or if i should just continue to pray for the Lord to send Godly men into his life to show him how to be a man. He didnt have good role models growing up. Sometimes I feel like I made a mistake in marrying him. Other times I feel I'm being too demanding about it and expecting too much. I guess I'm just old fashioned, even though I was a go getter and had a great career before becoming ill, i still want to be taken care of by my knight in shining armor.

    Any advice, resources, recommended books for both or either of us. We tried counseling but the counselor never said anything to either of us he just asked questions and listened and we both felt it wasnt helping.
  2. Welcome warriorbride to cfs! We are very blessed you have chosen to join us.
    When you get the opportunity please go over the forum rules and the topics that cannot be discussed.

    If you have any questions please feel free to ask any active moderator or helper and we will be sure to help in any way we can.

    As I prayed about answering you before I wrote... the biggest thing that sticks out at me is that your expecting your husband to be your provider (as most women do) when your total trust should be In The Lord.

    Quite awhile back (about a year or so) God gave me the verse...For thou O Lord are a shield for me, my glory and the lifter of my head (ps 3:3). For us, we should be trusting God to be our shield, our provider, our everything. And the one who lifts up the head of our house (husbands). God has given us a promise that we can stand upon, that says, when we worship Him and honor our husbands, He will take good care of us. That means healing for our bodies (prob 4:20-27), a house full of things that we did not build (Deut 6:11), and protection from everything (ps 91).

    The enemy is using the frustration that you have to steal your words, joy and faith. Which in turn keeps you in the same situation that you have been in with no signs of relief. And because your not praying the Word over your husband and working on your own salvation and trust, the devil is trying to steal your marriage and your husband's advancement (encouragement to succeed) and joy.

    The best thing you can do is to continue to immerse yourself in the Word, and ask God what Scriptures you can pray over your husband, and yourself so that you can be in good health and content in whatever situation you are in.

    A woman who stands upon the Word of God trusting Him to help her be the wife He desires her to be, and is walking in love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a), towards her husband is a mighty force of strength to be recond with, and God will move heaven and earth to see to it that her desires will be fully taken care of in every area. The verse that says My God shall meet all your needs according to His riches in Glory by Christ Jesus is for all our needs... spirit, soul (mind, will and emotions) and body.

    We just have to be diligent to walk in love and forgiveness and patiently wait, expectantly like Abraham and Sarah (Romans 4:16-24). Trusting God's ability to perform His Word and make it come to pass.

    We will be praying for you and your husband. And If you need anything, feel feee to pm me.

    God bless you abundantly!
    Cturtle (Gina)
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  3. Amen and Welcome to the forum warriorbride

    Melizza, godbe4me, warriorbride and 1 other person say Amen and like this.
  4. You are so right...thank you for this reminder. I need to get into a place of intimacy with the Lord again and stop focusing on my circumstances. Blessings!
    Melizza, Fish Catcher Jim and Cturtle says Amen and like this.
  5. [​IMG]

    Welcome to CFS "Warriorbride." We are glad you joined us.

    You got some very godly advise from our moderator and Prayer team leader "Cturtle" I will try not add too much to what she has already said. But will go as the spirit lead me. But let me say that marriage is hard work but worth it once we know what God plan is for marriage. There is no perfect marriage as all marriages go through something whether it's small or great. What we have to learn as wives is our rolls in a marriage. In today's times we are single mothers, single household providers and we tend to take charge. And, in many cases these things are done because it is needed. Then, when we get married, it's hard to let go some of those things and give it to the man to do. So, we are in essence taking the man's job from him and then ask the question, "why my husband won't do this or that?" When in fact, we have taken that from him. When what we need to do is go to God to find out what's going on. And, in doing so, we will find out that we the wives has placed ourselves in a place we weren't meant to be in. So, we as wives need to know what the husband's place is in a marriage and give him that place. It is a very touchy subject because times has changed so much that some feel that what God says about marriage just don't apply. But I beg to differ if you want a truly healthy marriage.

    1. The husband role is to be a "Leader" of his household - Read 1 Timothy 3, where it states that if a man cannot manage his home, he cannot manage anything else. So, we are to let the husband lead. Read, 1 Corinthians 11:3 where God lets us know the order of leadership. Scripture says, "But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” When we take that leadership from the man we are out of God's will.

    2. The husband role is to be a "Provider and Protector" -

    • “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19).

      “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (1 Peter 3:7).
    God loves the female as much as he loves the male. And, when God blesses a man to be with a woman, it is God's desires that man to take care of her. In no place does Scripture teach or endorse that women and children be considered second rate or inferior to men. Instead, He finds them so precious that He asks for special care to be given them; a care that only biblically-based men can provide. Women are very capable of taking care of themselves we have been doing it for years now. However, God did make men and women different and thus due to the physical nature and strength God gave men, He has charged them with the provision and protection of their families.

    The physical nature and strength of a man is to be managed with grace and gentleness. God did not create men to lord over women nor did he create women to simply wait on men. He made them both to complement each other through healthy companionship.

    3. The husband role is to be a "Companion" - Ephesians 5:25-33 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

    God created the man and women with physical and emotional differences that through companionship the husband and wife works together as a team to develop and to grow a family. God’s plan was that every home operate under the specific roles of both a husband and a wife and that through this they raise healthy children who honor God with their lives.

    The companionship between a man and a woman is directed by the influence of the husband through his provision and protection and is covered by his caring, gentle, and graceful love for his wife and family. Without the biblical roles of a husband being fulfilled by a strong man of God, the family unit risks the difficulties brought on by sin and spiritual distortion. Satan desires the destruction of the family, but through Christ and proper understanding of biblical roles, the family is a strong and safe place to grow in God.

    The only book that I can recommend reading on marriage is the Bible. It is the solid true word of God for a successful marriage.

    Now, another question would probably be as the wife. What if my husband is not displaying what you've said. Good question. For a while my husband was not displaying this and I though to myself did I error in marrying this man. But the Holy Spirit reminded me in Matt. 19:6, So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." So, I prayed the word over my husband everyday and night. Coming and going I prayed. I prayed and watched for God's word to show itself in our marriage. I prayed and prayed that God would allow my husband to be the provider He called him to be. I prayed that my husband would be more caring of me and my feelings and would be the protector that God has called him to be. I prayed that God would make him the man of God he was born to be. I prayed over my husband and he didn't even know I was praying. I stop entertaining the idea of divorce because I knew that was not God's will for us. I became a praying wife over my home and kicked the devil out of my house and my mind. Yes, you can do that as a child of God. Then, once I made room for God to come in, He did just that. I started seeing little subtle things then it grew and grew until now I have an ever growing husband that God want me to have. He is the leader of our home, he is the protector and provider and my best friend and companion. It took a lot of work to get there but we made by the Grace of God and God showing me my role and how I was oftentimes overstepping my boundaries as a wife. I gave it to God and God put my husband in the role he was meant to be in and put me in my I had a lot to learn and a lot to let go and one thing I had a hard time letting go was feeling that I had to be in charge of everything and being in the know of everything. You have the name "Warriorbride" for a reason sister!!!! Get to it!!!! You can do this!!! You were called for this moment!!!! to PRAY LIKE A WARRIORBRIDE

    Hope this helps....
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  6. WOW Godb4me! thank you for such amazing advice. I am so glad I found this site. I believe just as you do about a husbands role in the marriage. I'm deeply encouraged and blessed by your testimony and that you took such time to respond.

    I love the movie war room, i think i need to watch it remind myself that my battle is not with flesh and blood. I am already doing some of what you mentioned. I gave up alot of things that i wrongly took ownership of early on in my marriage, and gave it back to him. He handles the finances and bills now which has helped him to feel more like a man. Truthfully I never wanted to be the lead in the household but he was so passive, nothing would get done unless I did it. I'm more than happy to hand things over.

    Sometimes i pray over him while he's sleeping, for the lord to mold him into a Godly husband and that he would take his rightful place as spiritual leader. He doesn't have a deep relationship with the Lord right now. I have to push to get him to say yes to going to church. It's not always easy to know which battles to dig my heels in with and which to let go.

    Thank you again for the reminder to win this battle in prayer. God Bless you!
    Fish Catcher Jim, godbe4me and Cturtle says Amen and like this.
  7. Now begin to thank God, believing you receive whatsoever things you desire (mark 11:23-4 and Philippians 4: 6-7)
    In my thoughts... pray about this. Maybe stop pushing him, and go in joy to church, and allow him to see Jesus in you, and the love of the relationship you have with your Savior. Again please pray if that is the right answer... because by pushing him, it could cause him to resent you, and if he is going with resentment, then he is not being able to have an open heart to the Holy Spirit to receive what God has for him.

    Blessings to you
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  8. Hi, and thank you for your suggestions and insight! He doesn't resent it, he loves going and he's so happy when he goes although I do think it would be best if I didn't push him to do it, your right about that. He's just self admittedly lazy and lacks motivation in general. But your right, from now on I will just simply tell him I'm going to church and ask if he'd like to join. My biggest mistake here is if he doesn't want to go I have been staying home with him, I am going to stop that and go on my own.
    Melizza, From Pieces To Peace, Cturtle and 1 other person say Amen and like this.
  9. I remember an old saying that goes something like, "expectations ruin relations". You have many expectations for your husband and for whatever reason, he is not fitting into your mold for him. Your relationship has also grown apart in many ways partly because you are no longer working as a team towards similar goals. Counselling and bringing your issues to the table and out in the open may help a great deal. You both need to understand what roles each is going to assume, and this will require outside counselling. In order for harmony to be attained in a household, it is best if one person is designated the leader or head, and the other person help provide the impetus that drives the head towards mutual goals. It seems that both of you have lost your way, or worse, you never understood your roles in your marriage, and now you are floundering. Your husband needs to understand and embrace his leadership role in the team, so that you can be the driving force behind moving him towards your mutually agreed upon goals. Counselling is a start. A lot of clarification will be required, but many marriages have become successful once these basic things have been ironed out.
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  10. Just checking on you to see how your doing?

    Praying all is well and better

    Fish Catcher Jim likes this.
  11. Hi
    Thank you! everything was doing much better since I took alot of your amazing advice here! Tonight we had a huge argument again, because I became frustrated at his lack of following through with promises. I have for the most part been praying about everything I used to say out loud and things started getting so much better. I saw a slight change in him, and it really encouraged me to keep praying and to encourage him and treat him as if he was there already. Kind of blew that tonight but I will try to jump right back on tomorrow with God's help. It's hard when you feel like your the only one in the relationship that has ambition and goals. Ive never been a talker, I'm a do-er..and I'm sure there's a learning lesson for me in waiting patiently for my husband do act on his talk. Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I'm finding as I go along, marriage is alot harder than I thought. I love being married to my best friend though and I wouldn't change a thing.
    Fish Catcher Jim, Cturtle and godbe4me says Amen and like this.
  12. Oh also if you could all keep me in prayer! I am starting a new medicine tomorrow that has shown promising results for people with my condition. I'm praying this is the answer that will help me get my health back. <3 thank u all.
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  13. hi and thank you! we did try counseling. My husband hated it. I wasn't thrilled either as we both felt he didnt really seem to say much, but just asked questions. We needed someone a little more obvious and in your face about things. lol My hubby decided he didnt want to try another counselor, that we could work on it ourselves. And he does try after we have a big talk, but then he reverts quickly and i see nothing until i bring it up again. I hate feeling like his mother and nagging so i decided to stop it all and just wait patiently on the Lord. I haven't been perfect at it but things are better between us overall. Thanks again for your wonderful advice.
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  14. Oh how awesome. Glory to God that He is showing Himself faithful to you. For the advice was His, from His Word.

    We all trip at times, but seeking the Fathers forgiveness and the forgiveness of our mate is more important than always being perfect. For the process of standing in faith, and getting our emotions and flesh to line up with Gods ways is the part that takes practice. And if we can admit when we goof, then that is the first step to the changes we make, with the Father's help (Holy Spirit in us... Philippians 2:13). Repentance is key, and walking in love is just as important. For faith is what pleases the Lord. So I can guarantee you that your faith and trust in Him and His Word is making Him very happy with you

    Your definitely in our prayers.

    Thank You Father for surrounding Warrior bride with Your healing presence. We ask and thank You that the medication that she is taking will help You to bring healing to her body with no side effects. we give You all the glory for health, and peace in their home and also for her husband's being the man that You have called Him to be. Full of godly wisdom and revelation knowledge. We also thank You Father that thou art a shield for warriorbride, her glory and the lifter of her head. That You are her provider and the one Whom is leading And guiding her husband's footsteps.

    We ask Father that You give warriorbride the strength and patience to rely and depend upon You for the things that she is needing and expectantly hoping for, especially in regards to her husband. Remind her often to rejoice in You, for the Joy of the Lord is her strength. Give her times of dancing and singing praises unto You, that she may be continuously strengthened. And in times when she is tempted to be frustrated, cause Your spirit to rise up within her, to rejoice in You, so that she may continue to walk in love and resist the temptation. For she truly desires to do Your will.
    Bless them Lord with a marriage made in heaven. In Jesus Name, Amen
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  15. What a beautiful prayer! made me cry....thank you! <3
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  16. Hi Cturtle, Even though I have been married many years now that my husband has Alzheimer's/dementia it is like starting over in a different and very challenging situation as caregiver and sometimes nurse especially now that I have become responsible for all the things he used to do. Through the daily mundane tasks I too must remember to rejoice in the Lord as His joy is my strength. And praising surely is key to receiving the strength needed. The Lord is worthy of our praises no matter what the circumstances are. Dealing with the challenges daily of my husband's disease and what all that means can be frustrating; but it is surely the Spirit in me that rises up to meet the challenge. I will also receive your above prayer. Thanks."
    Cturtle, godbe4me and Fish Catcher Jim says Amen and like this.
  17. You are most welcome sister! I am so blessed that the Holy Spirit led me to write something that could bring you strength and peace as well and pray it encourages many others.

    Thank You Father, for sandpiper. For her precious husband and family, and for supernaturally surrounding her with Your peace, Strength and Joy. Father they are Your sheep and they know Your voice, and we give You the glory that they serve and worship You, and are in the palm of Your mighty hand.

    Father, You know everything that sandpiper goes through every day. And we trust that You also surround her and are her shield and glory, and the lifter of her head. We ask that You would infuse her with Your peace that passes all of her understanding, and that Your mighty Spirit that resides within her rise up and fill her till her cup overflows with joy in You. Father, I thank You for supernaturally supplying all their needs according to Your riches in glory... especially her emotional needs. You are her husband and the One Whom she depends upon, thank You for constantly hugging her and allowing her to feel You consistently by her side.

    Father we also lift up her husband to You. We know that You love him, and that this Alzheimer's is not of You, nor belongs to him. We ask Father that You would supernaturally turn it around and restore unto Him 7 times what the devil is trying to steal from him. We thank You that alzehimers is just a name that must bow it's knee to Your mighty Name. We bind it from progressing any futher, and ask that You help him to be so easy to handle, and full of peace and joy at all times. In Jesus Name, that Wonderful Name above All names we give You thanks and glory. Amen
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