Marriage crisis!Please help!!

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by walkwithjesus08, Oct 8, 2007.

  1. Marriage crisis!Please help!!

    Please bear with me, this may be long, but I must give you the proper details. I met my "first love" when I was 15 and it was a long romance lasting until I was almost 19. I was head over heels with him and we shared so many wonderful things including being saved on the same day as well as baptized. We sang duets in church and seeing as how I had never been exposed to the Lord or involved in church until I met him I thought we were destined to be together. Eventually, we began backsliding and after a 4 month engagement sin ultimately lead to our relationship's demise. He began dating and so did I, but we never stopped talking or seeing each other completely until he got married to his new girlfriend due to unplanned pregnancy. This totally crushed me, but I knew with the circumstances as they were I had no choice but to move on. I was a month shy of my 20th birthday when I met my husband and was instantly smitten with him. He was a very genuine, honest man and best of all a devout Christian who got me back in church. Though thoughts of my ex would arise often I brushed them off and eventually married my husband when I was 21 years old. Our marriage slowly began to crumble. Our communication began lacking as well as intimacy and I continued to think of my ex even after some years passed. I knew that the Devil was the cause of this distraction so I tried to follow the Lord and put my all in my marriage especially since by this time I had 2 children involved. My husband became very distant and harsh towards me. I tried all I could to get him to open up, but he refused to even try and resolve the relationship. I was so lonely and lacking so much that a wife should receive in a marriage according to God's word. Last year me and my husband began discussing seperation and divorce. We seperated for a short time. I ran into my ex fiance during this time and we began what at first was "friendly" catching up. He was now divorced and we discussed problems we both struggled with. The Devil took hold and I ended up having a one night affair with him. Even though I was seperated from my husband at the time I knew that the Lord was ashamed of me and my ex felt the same. Me and my ex stopped talking completely due to this. I felt that I needed to try and repair my relationship with my husband and tell him what I did. I came clean about the affair and he forgave me. I don't think I have ever forgiven myself though. Me and my husband resumed our marriage, but the same problems we once had are still here. We have made it through 8 years of marriage, but I fear we may not have many more. I have prayed about my marriage and prayed that the Lord will take the feelings I have for my ex away so that I can give 100% to my marriage. I know that me having feelings for a man other than my husband is not pleasing to the Lord, but I don't know what to do. My ex began contacting me again through e-mail several months ago and last night professed that he is still in love with me after all of these years. He says that he does not think that the love we shared will ever go away. I am so confused, but my main goal is to please the Lord and walk with him. Please help. I know that I will not let myself commit "physical" adultrey with my ex again, but I know I am committing it in my heart and mind for thinking of him. I feel so guilty asking for forgiveness from the Lord for something that I keep doing. Please help and pray for me and my family. I really do want to be the best Christian I can.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.:confused:
  2. First of all Jesus can and will forgive you.

    Second of all you must forgive yourself or the guilt and condemantion will seperate you from fellowship with the Lord.

    Third of all- your communication with this ex has to stop if you are sincere about saving your marraige.

    Fourth- You and you husband need to go to counseling togeather- preferably with a local Spirit filled Pastor.

    You are at a crossroads walkwithjesus08, I pray you make the right choices. I will be praying for all involved- your brother Larry
  3. I thank you for your encouragement and your prayers.
  4. you know that evil is trying to tear you in 2,and get you to forsake your faith.first of all forget your ex to your husband honestly and is very easy to be swayed by an ex .be strong sort out your marriage,if you are unhappy in your marriage ,then talk about it.i hope God takes care of you and simplifies your jesus says take 1 day at a time.:jesus-sign:
  5. The best practical advice I can offer is to first reiterate what others have said. You need to cut off all contact with your ex, he will only hinder your efforts at a healthy marriage.

    Second, check out the site Willard F. (Bill) Harley has the most practical, sensible approach to marriage problems that I've ever run across. He has a number of books, which should be referenced on the site, which will be helpful as well. His approach cuts through a lot of mumbo jumbo and gets to the heart of the issues at hand.

    Please keep us updated. We want to pray for you and support you in any way we can.
  6. Thank you so much for the great advice and information. I will keep you updated. It is easy to be disillusioned by the temptations of the world and that is why it is great to have good stern advice from Christian friends to help you seek the truth.
  7. At the crossroads

    I have read the post that I wrote over and over and from the outside looking in I feel that I appear so selfish in my desires. I wake up today and feel so guilty for feeling this way even though I have asked for forgiveness and know in my heart that the Lord has granted that to me. I am determined not to have any communication with my ex again. I know that Satan is blinding me with his tricks and amplifying the problems in my marriage so that I am seeking to feel the void elsewhere. Satan is trying to destroy the Christian marriages today and I refuse to let him destroy mine. I know that me and my husband have a lot to resolve to rekindle lost elements of our marriage, but through Christ who joined us in this marriage we can do it. I fully believe that with all my heart. I agree with Bro Larry that I am at a crossroads. Sin will take you further than you want to go and make you pay a higher price than you are willing to pay. I must remain strong in the Lord to get through this. I thank all of you who have replied with words of encouragement and again I will keep you updated.
  8. We will be praying for you!
  9. walkwithjesus08,
    Wow....reading this stirs my soul. This is nearly exactly what I am going through with my wife at the moment. I am afraid God has given her over to her seared/dulled conscience though. She pushed separation 2 1/2 months ago to get her ex to stop avoiding her, and he did. They are still in an adulterous relationship and it doesn't seem to bother either of them.
    My advice: Stay close to the Lord and listen to the conscience He has given you. If you ignore it, it will become dulled and seared over and eventually the Lord will give you over to your sin. I have told my wife that I have forgiven her and that I want her to come back to me so we can be a family with our kids again. She is now about to leave the house and look for an apartment since the place I have been staying is about to sell. Please, you must also forgive yourself and ask the Lord for forgiveness to get past this. I will earnestly pray for you and your husband as I can't bear to see this happen to another family.
    A good resource about the conscience is at:
    Dr. Stanley's last 3 or 4 sermons have been about this topic. Just go to the broadcast link and check out his sermons for October.
    PM me if you like more info.

    May God bless you and your family,
  10. Charlie,

    I am so sorry that you are going through that with your wife. I pray for your family as well and appreciate the prayers lifted up for mine. It is hard to believe that my marriage has reached this point. I was always so devoted to my marriage and when women would discuss subjects of this nature I was the one who said, "I would never do that." I find myself being careful now when I say, " I would never...." because I know that the Devil feeds off of that and uses his evil to drive people into their ultimate sins. Me and my husband had been having problems for years before I ever considered leaving, etc. I know how important marriage is to the Lord and I was determined to honor that bond. I let my guard down by giving up on my marriage from years of mental and emotional exhaust and that is what lead me to the affair. Loneliness can let the Devil slip right in, if we are not careful and that is what has ultimately occurred with me I think. I know I can get my "good sense" back if I stay close to the Lord. Thank goodness for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ though. Without him I would fall apart. I sincerely hope that your wife realizes how important marriage is to the Lord. She is taking her fate out of Gods hands and into her own which is a very dangerous place to be.
  11. Reading your posts give me chills as much of what you describe is the same for us, our problems have advanced much further than yours though. My wife told me early on of her feelings for this man, and she did fight them for months until she felt she couldn't anymore. That is when she forced the separation. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying I have no fault as I have for years ignored her concerns and problems with our relationship.
    Anyway, what I am saying is that there is a reason you have those feelings of guilt. It sounds like you are keeping a pretty level head, but be wary and don't start ignoring your conscience. God put it there much like a fire alarm to warn you of fire/danger.
    My wife, too, was one I nor she would have never thought would do this. The past several years she has talked to 2 or 3 friends who did this same thing. She was able to talk one out of going through with divorce but not the other 2.
    I will keep you and your family in prayer. Be strong and ask the Almighty Father to cast Satan from the midst of your family. If feelings of weakness creep up on you, find a good Christian friend to talk to, or log on to this site. The good people here have done me much good.

    God Bless you, from your brother in Christ,
  12. walkwithjesus08,

    I have added you to my prayer list and I will pray for your family daily.

    There are several things I wuld lik to touch on...

    As already said, forget the ex, what else can they do for you except for create hatred amoung your husband and your children toward you. You don't want you kids asking you why you left them and your husband.

    Do what you can to be with you husband more. Do things you two used to lvoe together more. Spend time as a family and less time alone with yourself. By doing this you can help to kill this spirit of selfishness, lust and this hole in your heart, which needs to be filled with your family and prayer to Christ.

    Recently I have been reading a book that my father-in-law got me for my birthday, although it was belayed... he gaving it to me this past weekend and by birthday was in April, I do not believe that the past several post were on close to this same topic... things to strengthen your marriage. Pelase visit the following sites:

    The above go both toward you and your husband. If you can't access them please let me know. You should not ahve to create an account to view them.

    Sometimes this lack of partnership is the result of what is in the above posts... the lack of being wanted and needed by your spouse. The Lord tells us to seek Him for Wisdom when we lack it... if you feel the 'urge' or the lonliness kick in, Seek the Lord, not man. If the Lord tells you to cleave to your husband, well, you better do it. Don't cleve to any other man than your husband.

    Husbands are to dwell with their wives. Do what we can to support our wives and make them feel secure.

    God's number one, I mean HIS MAIN GOAL... is a fmaily. He loves us so much that He desires for us to be happy. And having a family is the greatest joy that we can have a humans. Being accepted and being loved unconditionally, the ultimate gift.

    Cleave to you husband. Respect him and love him. He will cleave to you. Respect is very important for men and husbands. If you respect him he will respect you.

    God bless,
  13. Oh and BTW, pray for otehrs as well. When we speak to God He speaks back in not only words but in action for our benefit. Pray for those on your own prayer list or on mine from my site, the 1st link in the above post is my prayer list.

    We love you and your family, please, pelase make wise choices and seek the Lord, respect your husband and live as an example and your husband will return to you and your family will be whole again.

    God bless,
  14. Frustrated today

    I am struggling with frustration today. I talked to my husband last night (very calmly I might add) about some changes we need to make in our marriage. He just said, "I don't know what you want me to do about it!" and "I am so tired of hearing this over and over!" This is the same pattern we have been following for years. I am a very vocal person with my husband. I don't mean that I am a "nagging" wife because I very much respect the biblical standpoint on the wife being "submissive" and letting the husband be the head of the household. I just mean that when I feel that me and him are slipping in any area of our marriage or don't see "eye to eye" whether it be a marital subject or parenting subject then I like to discuss it and resolve it. He is not that way. He likes to hold things in for a long time and then he just explodes which ultimately causes a lot of strife in the marriage. To paint a clearer picture of our relationship I must say that we are always home everynight together as a family (I honeslty mean everynight except if he works late). We eat supper together, etc. My husband is a "homebody" which is fine some of the time. I am always wanting to go make memories with him and the kids, but he likes to stay at home all of the time and watch TV. I would love to go on a picnic, simple free things that God gave us to enjoy. I can honestly say that other than me and the kids playing outside or working we have stayed within the confines of our home 75% of the time. It has been this way for many years. The other main problem is that we do not communicate well. I like to hear his thoughts on things, but he just says "You can handle it" and "you do a good job,etc". As much as I am glad that he trusts me handling things I want him to step into his role as the leader of our household in all areas. I need that and I feel that he does too. These are where our problems lie and that ultimately leads to lack of intimacy. We have been to counseling several times over the past year with our pastor who is exceptional in the area of a "Christian marriage" but still we battle. I know I have just got to keep looking up to the Lord and trust that he will handle all of these issues if we just put it in his hands. I am just having a down day because of the emotional toll it is taking on me. I just don't want to be the only person in the marriage giving any effort to fix it. It becomes exhausting on my spirit too. Please throw some extra prayers up for me today.
  15. walkingwithjesus08,

    I didn't know that your husband wasn't putting much effort into it. Maybe he needs to soeak to a male christian counselor personally, I mean alone. Either he doesn't want to assist and is being lazy or he has things in his heart that God needs to work on. Continue to pray for your marriage and especially pray for him as it sounds that God has to work on him.

    Continue to do what you can to show him respect and live life as an example to him. If he sees this he will soon change for the better. However if all he wants to do is watch TV, maybe you should think about throwing it away. If the TV is taking all of his time and not his family we will loose one of them.

    God bless,
  16. Sometimes a different counselor with a different perspective can help. Does your husband understand how serious your relationship problems are? It sounds like he needs a wake up call.
  17. Still trying


    I agree that he needs to seek counsel from someone else, but he won't go. He does not realize how serious the problems are and always thinks that it is just "my female emotions" running away with me. He made a lot of promises to me when we got back together after the brief seperation and for a while things were looking up for us. Then he fell back into his old patterns of thinking again. Now when I mention the "broken promises" he just says, "Maybe I can't change, this is who I am." Marriage is about compromise and we all have to adjust some of our set ways for a happy home. I do not want him to change who he is, I just want him to modify the behavior that is causing some of the problems. I tell him this so much that I feel I am "beating a dead horse" so to speak. I feel like I have basically hung a banner up or a flashing sign telling him what is wrong, but he just doesn't want to put in the effort to fix it. I am still relying on the Lord who I know can heal all in his own time.
  18. Sit him down look him in the eye and tell him if he wants his marriage to work he will go to counseling. Let him know that if something doesn't change you don't see a future for the two of you- he needs to open his eyes.
  19. WWJ08,

    I'm sorry that you're discouraged. I will make a point to pray for you, your husband, and your marriage this morning. Human relationships, sadly, are complicated and messy. Part of the problem is that you're dealing with another being with their own preceptions and will. I have read a number of books which say that if you will do thus and so, your husband will respond accordingly. While this tends to be the case, a great many variables can throw this formula off. In short, your husband must also submit to the will of God for a Godly marriage to happen. It sounds to me like he has a lot of anger and resentment, despite his claim to have forgiven you, and this naturally causes one to resist the prompting of the Spirit and the wise guidance of others. Of course, I am only speculating on his state of mind, not having spoken to him or personally observed his behavior.

    All you can really control is what you do. Go to counseling alone, if he won't go. Continue to do all you know to be a Godly wife. Continue to rely on God for wisdom, perseverance, strength, and guidance. Know that God is aware of and pleased by your efforts to honor Him in your marriage, and you will not lose your reward. (Galatians 6:9)

    This is what I shall pray for you: That God will deal with your husband even into the deepest, darkest nooks and crannies of his heart and mind, breaking down his resistance and turning his heart back to you. That God will comfort you in your distress. That God will bring about a reconciliation and restoration which brings about a union which will glorify Him and be an inspiration to others. I am praying these things even now, as I post.
  20. I appreciate all of the guidance and prayers lifted up for me and my family. Things were better over the weekend. We talked about a lot of things and "cleared the air" so to speak. I feel that we are moving forward in a positive direction. I know that we will still hit our fair share of road bumps, but with the Lord we can be prepared for them.

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