I have decided to tell some of my story, here, because this forum seems safe and full of christian people. Also, because I feel like I am not coping. My boyfriend broke up with me just over two months ago - and to say that I am devastated is an understatement. I have been coming back to the Lord for the past year, so thank goodness I have had support from people from my church and been able to pray to God and be prayed for. But, I am feeling incredibly despondent. People say - oh God has a better person and plan for you, and saying that makes me feel worse. I am nearing my 40's, so it' s not like I have my whole life ahead to follow this 'plan' and the life that I have lived has been hard and full of disappointment and really hurtful people. I'm tired of people that I love passing through my life and leaving me. Some history to help understand is I was married to an abusive man for 6 years, and I crawled out of that relationship barely alive. I was anorexic, had nothing, my ex had destroyed me financially and physically, had raped me and he was still coming after me. To top that, the only two family members in my life were taken away from me, both by a tragic death. Then my boyfriend came into my life, and helped me with practical things I really needed help with - like hiding me away from my ex husband, helping me get transport (you need your own car here otherwise you can't really work), my health, and the emotional turmoil of being a victim of abuse. So, he is very special to me. We had such happy times and I made my home in his home and with his family. Of course we fought. I always thought we would work it out though. Very soon after i moved out recently (I had to move out for other reasons) he broke up with me. We had been together for about 4 and a half years. The problem is that I feel to blame for this break up. He has also blamed me. It is hard to recover from what happened to me in my marriage, and I feel very lost in simple relationship conflicts - so I admit, I have problems there. Christian people, especially tell me I am valuable because I am God's, but I really don't feel that. Just when I thought that for the first time in my life, God had good things for me, it is taken away from me - and the reason it was taken away was because of me. He also said it wasn't me, it was him - but I don't know why , but that hurts me. It's not that I don't think that another man could come into my life, it's that I can't face having to go through it all again, and then ... all over again .. give my heart to yet another person. But I don't want to be so alone and lonely. I am sad and empty most of the time. I put on a brave face, but I feel no hope in my heart - just disappointment. I am feeling so confused about where I stand, and I pray but I just land up not getting anywhere. Sometimes it feels like God peers into the darkness, but the depth of emptiness and loss that I feel is just too much. God heals they say - I am honestly questioning that. Do people who say that just say it to try and make themselves feel more positive? or maybe what they recovered from was something that at least leaves your core intact. If you asked me if I have healed from my brother dying - the answer is not really. Everyday is another day that he could have been here and isn't. I'm so afraid that I will never heal from this either. It feels so unfair to have to say good bye to another person that I love. It is ripping me apart inside. I feels so selfish like even just writing this means that I think the whole world is about me. I wish that I could just get away from all of this.