Lost Hope After Break Up

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Wendy555, Dec 12, 2013.

  1. I have decided to tell some of my story, here, because this forum seems safe and full of christian people. Also, because I feel like I am not coping.

    My boyfriend broke up with me just over two months ago - and to say that I am devastated is an understatement. I have been coming back to the Lord for the past year, so thank goodness I have had support from people from my church and been able to pray to God and be prayed for.

    But, I am feeling incredibly despondent. People say - oh God has a better person and plan for you, and saying that makes me feel worse. I am nearing my 40's, so it' s not like I have my whole life ahead to follow this 'plan' and the life that I have lived has been hard and full of disappointment and really hurtful people. I'm tired of people that I love passing through my life and leaving me.

    Some history to help understand is I was married to an abusive man for 6 years, and I crawled out of that relationship barely alive. I was anorexic, had nothing, my ex had destroyed me financially and physically, had raped me and he was still coming after me.

    To top that, the only two family members in my life were taken away from me, both by a tragic death.

    Then my boyfriend came into my life, and helped me with practical things I really needed help with - like hiding me away from my ex husband, helping me get transport (you need your own car here otherwise you can't really work), my health, and the emotional turmoil of being a victim of abuse.
    So, he is very special to me. We had such happy times and I made my home in his home and with his family. Of course we fought. I always thought we would work it out though.

    Very soon after i moved out recently (I had to move out for other reasons) he broke up with me. We had been together for about 4 and a half years.

    The problem is that I feel to blame for this break up. He has also blamed me. It is hard to recover from what happened to me in my marriage, and I feel very lost in simple relationship conflicts - so I admit, I have problems there. Christian people, especially tell me I am valuable because I am God's, but I really don't feel that. Just when I thought that for the first time in my life, God had good things for me, it is taken away from me - and the reason it was taken away was because of me. He also said it wasn't me, it was him - but I don't know why , but that hurts me.

    It's not that I don't think that another man could come into my life, it's that I can't face having to go through it all again, and then ... all over again .. give my heart to yet another person. But I don't want to be so alone and lonely. I am sad and empty most of the time. I put on a brave face, but I feel no hope in my heart - just disappointment.

    I am feeling so confused about where I stand, and I pray but I just land up not getting anywhere. Sometimes it feels like God peers into the darkness, but the depth of emptiness and loss that I feel is just too much. God heals they say - I am honestly questioning that. Do people who say that just say it to try and make themselves feel more positive? or maybe what they recovered from was something that at least leaves your core intact. If you asked me if I have healed from my brother dying - the answer is not really. Everyday is another day that he could have been here and isn't. I'm so afraid that I will never heal from this either.

    It feels so unfair to have to say good bye to another person that I love. It is ripping me apart inside.

    I feels so selfish like even just writing this means that I think the whole world is about me. I wish that I could just get away from all of this.
  2. #2 KingJ, Dec 12, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2013
    I can't think of a better way to get peace on a bad past then to look at it through God's eyes. Evil people do evil things. Not even God can avoid being hurt by their actions. You were silly to get attached to them in the first place. Take help, but leave it at that. A Christian loves Jesus and follows scripture. Scripture tells us to get married and stick at it no matter what. Only adultery is grounds for divorce. Beatings are grounds for temporary separation not divorce. Beatings however if consistent and extreme are mostly traced to adultery as they are only possible when all respect is gone. Which is what happens when there is adultery.

    God HAS got someone for you. Don't let your weak flesh rule your thought life! Get your life right with the Lord and He will hear and answer your prayer! John 9:31 We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will.

    As for your marriage. Have you settled it with a respected pastor? Marriage is very important to God. You don't want to abandon it and be guilty of not being sanctified by God. Even though it was 4-5 years ago, get consolation on it. Go to a respected pastor and explain what happened and what you did. Your ex-boyfriend is, no offence, not relevant. You were with him outside of marriage. God's blessing or your respect for God was null and void. Your husband however, was before God with vows from the depths of your hearts.

    Some scriptures to comfort and help you, God bless! praying for you!

    Mat 6:25 "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life..."

    Phil 4:6-7 Don't worry over anything whatever; whenever you pray tell God every detail of your needs in thankful prayer, and the peace of God, which surpasses human understanding, will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus.

    Ps 42:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

    2 Tim 2:4,7 No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--he wants to please his commanding officer... Reflect on what I am saying... the Lord will give you insight.

    1 Tim 6:11 But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

    1 Pet 5:7 Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.

    Luke 9:24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.
  3. I feel that one of the worst things someone can do in a plea for help is give vague advice like "God has a plan" and "There are other fish out there" and "Your heart will heal".

    You may not feel God's loving and healing touch on your soul, but don't despair, it is there. God's plan is long term and may be a bit more long term than you'd like, but you have his attention and He cares about you.

    There isn't a whole lot someone can say to "fix" your issue but we can encourage you to keep pressing on. Keep pressing until His plan is revealed. Each of these heartaches thrown at you only serve to strengthen your soul. But strengthening your soul and hardening it are two different things. Keep your spirit open to God's loving touch, and keep your heart open to the love of your family, friends, and future opportunities that God may have lined up.

    It seems to me that your ex-Boyfriend was the right person at the right time for your situation...at that time. God put him there to help you overcome your previous relationship, your abusive marriage. But God may feel that relationship has served it's purpose and prepared you for a more loving and powerful relationship.

    Keep pressing on and lean on others for strength until you find the strength within yourself. And know that God is always there to lend you his strength whenever you need it. And you will need it, we all do.
  4. My heart breaks for you. I know some of what you are feeling as I have been in those places of depression and feeling lost due to bad relationship experience and abuse. God brought me out and is continuing to heal me. I know it seems hard being alone and painful having lost two loved ones, but you should focus on your relationship with the Lord. Fall in love with Him and don't look to man to help heal or satisfy your needs. Jesus is the only one who can. I learned this the hard way because I am strong willed....

    After I was able to escape a 4 year abusive relationship and come back to God ( I had grown up in church, but rebelled against God and part of that was the influence of my ex bf), I decided to not have a relationship, even though I was lonely. I repented and put my focus on my relationships with the Lord and my family in order to heal myself and the relationships that had been damaged. And believe it or not God brought a man into my life that gave his heart to the Lord and then to me and we are now married for 6 years. Our pastor gave a wonderful sermon last Sunday with a powerful statement. Our main purpose for being on earth is to have a relationship with Him....everything else that we do in this life can and should flow from that relationship with Jesus (I really believe this).
    If you focus on the things that are wrong in your life, you are not allowing God to heal you and quite possibly you just need to fully let go. God said in his word that he has plans to prosper us and give us hope and a future. But sometimes we don't get out of the way to let Him fulfill his plan. Sometimes we waste so much time feeling bad about who we are or what others have done to us. Other times people become a distraction to our healing process and God allows for the distractions to be removed so that we can get focused and better. If you have read it there is a great book by Joyce Meyer called Beauty for Ashes, that has helped me with my healing and moving forward. I pray that God will give you wisdom and guidance on how to move forward.
  5. #5 Wendy555, Dec 12, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2013
    Hi KingJ, thank you so much for your reply. There was adultery and the abuse was too bad to stay. It might sound crazy, but I felt an angel escort me out of there the day. Thank you for all the scriptures.

    Hi TParis, thank you for your words of encouragement. Looking at it as a long term process of development makes a lot of sense.

    Anne83 - your words are very encouraging, and your talking about letting go really hit my heart.

    I am feeling so unsure about myself - so weak for not being strong enough to follow God closely, I don't know how I got entangled in all this bad stuff in the first place. I fear that worse things are coming. That life is out of control.
  6. Elfinity, It's so hard all about your story...
    First, be careful, christian people are not different from others by ourselves, but because Jesus. I mean, we make mistakes too, we are no perfect, but the perfect wisdom is in looking for God deeply in your heart, together with a bible and helpful christian friends. Beg to God for his Holly Spirit guide...

    You "come back to the Lord for the past year"

    I have to asking you... Why do you believe in Jesus?

    It's a simple question, but could help to answer all your complaints about what are you living right now

    Many "evangelists" would be aiming you to believe because you'll be reaching health, or success, or happiness or money, or whatever they thought is better for you... But you have to know that Jesus come because sin... to save your soul, period. To ensure you will be enjoying eternal life with Him.

    Remembering Apostle John 3:16,18 ."For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son."

    Your message has terrible situations than very few people can understand... you feel hopeless right now...

    Please, do not push on you... try to take pressure down on your life.

    If you commit any sin, repent, ask for God's forgiveness, and .... take pressure down

    I mean,

    Yeah, you are on 40's and? so?...

    Culture put on your shoulders that "you have to be successful", "have to be married", "have to have a lot of money" "childrens "fame" "many friends""be social queen"... and a lot of paradigms...but all them come from what people wants you to be.

    Your goal have to be "Be myself in the freedom that Jesus give me"... braking chains of sin

    Now, a love relationship has two participants. If relationship fails, or endure, is because both of you make it happen... again, take out from your shoulders half of responsibility about this.

    Is your boyfriend christian? If he is, do he know about forgiveness?
    Also, You have to forgive too... Forgive him, and above that, forgive yourself.

    You know? I lost my brother too... he was 27 when he died because kidney disease...many months of suffering an slow motion death. He was my hero... and I know, this kind of pain is unavoidable, but I identify when I take his death for excuse my depression... and leave it on Jesus hands.

    Looking for clues on Bible I reach John 9:1,7 "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing."

    Many times suffering is not because of you, or others... sometimes is preparing you to see the God's glory... many times in your own life... many times aiming other people to see it.

    Be strong I'll be praying for you.

    PD: Joshua 1:7,9 ""Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
  7. Ramstastico - thank you for your very inspiring words, and also to everyone who has responded. Thank you for taking the time to write something out to help me. It has really lifted my spirits and I've been meditated today on the scriptures everyone posted and the kind words you have said so far.

    When I was 5, I remember thanking God for something and I felt such gratitude well up in my heart. And I felt drawn to look up. Instantly, I was surrounded by this brilliant light and a love that is beyond words. I don't know why I believe in Jesus Ramtastico. I suppose because without Jesus, there would be nothing.
  8. Hello elfynity! I went through a bitter breakup (divorce actually) that devastated me and had me wishing every day for death. I found out how to get past it though. Watch as many sad movies as you can, and cry as much as you possibly can. Surprisingly, you will feel on top of the world after a few cry sessions, just as I did. Keep on finding sad stuff to make you cry until you don't feel so bad about it anymore, and balance it with comedy to give you things to feel happy about. I can almost promise you that you will feel better soon!

    I think sadness is like a poison that eats away at us. I believe that all emotion must be expressed before it can be dealt with. A rebound relationship really helped me out too, but I'm not sure if I should recommend that or not.
    TParis likes this.
  9. Sounds like you're suggesting an express highway through the stages of loss.
  10. I suppose it was the fast lane in some areas, some of the other aspects of my divorce may take a lifetime to recover from. I know that the excruciating agony lasted only a short time because I forced myself to confront, feel, and deal with my emotion. I'm still nursing the scars of betrayal though, even though I'm happily remarried four years later. All good things to those who wait right? lol
  11. #11 Wendy555, Dec 16, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2013
    KingJ, I went to church last night and told one of the pastors about my circumstances and him and others prayed over me. He said that I need to not allow my mind to dwell on what has happened, that I mustn't try and work it out too much in my head. He said that I should rather fill myself with God's Word and get closer to God now.

    TParis, The most important 2 things he said which I really appreciate is 1. He said I should come back and get prayed over as much as I need (I really appreciate that he realizes that this is not a quick fix situation), and
    2. I should make God the center of my life, from which everything else falls into line - including romantic relationships.

    I was not being a wonderful christian in my past relationship. God showed me in His Word

    That line hit me like a ton of bricks. I am glad that I have been ready to take it. The devil had worked in me, getting me to be the opposite of what a child of God should be to steal and destroy.

    My only companions now that give me comfort are, Jesus, of course and that I have realized my error and can be a more loving person, and as a result change my future to be one that is in line with God.

    This is going to be a lifelong journey.

    Anne83 - I am now reading Beauty for Ashes. Will let you know how it goes.
  12. They are spot on! Well done of you to go! (y).
  13. God said" by strength shall no man prevail".It is not in human power to make things work for himself or herself.

    Dear sister. you have put your focus on other things apart from God.
    God made you and he was jealous that you put so many things ahead of him in your life.Your relationships,finances and happiness etc.
    The truth is God loves you and needs your attention.God is the only true and reliable source of all things.

    The permanent solution is to make Jesus the lord over your life.Give him your life and he will supply everything you have ever needed systematically.
    The bible says" seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness all other things shall be added."

    Change the formula that has not worked for you in years. stop putting the cart before the horse,instead put the horse(GOD) before the cart(other things). you will see him healing you,replenishing all the years that the canker work worm has eaten.

    Taste and see that the lord is good. Shallom.
  14. Just wanted to give you some words of encouragement! A lot of great advice on here. I've come to realize that the Enemy attacks you the hardest when you are down. Those negative, hurtful thoughts are his lies. You are a beautiful Child of God who is precious in his sight. God knows every tear you have wept. You are that special to him.


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