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Losing/Finding My Role as a Husband in Marriage

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by gabriel8616, Jul 20, 2007.

  1. Losing/Finding My Role as a Husband in Marriage

    I am having a very hard time trying to find/regain my position in my relationship with my soon to be fiance. We are a relativly young couple and we both greatly value our relationships with God. We prayed for a long time over our relationship and we are certain God has called us to be married together. We have also prayed over timing, and have no conviction for deciding to do so within the year.

    Last year brought a new female friend into my fiance's life. She is slightly younger, but has a good heart and loves the Lord. Since she has come into my fiance's life, I have had trouble finding my role in our relationship. You see, before this friend, my fiance always came to me for spiritual guidance. Occassionally I would give her gifts just to show my love in a different way. I felt comfortable as a leader in our relationship and as a compassionate partner. Now I find my fiance always going to her friend with her problems first. Most of the time, I am never looked to for help. This boths me as I feel that I have in a regard lost one of my main roles in my fiance's life. Some of it may be jealousy, but I still feel something is wrong as I am not looked to for help in any regards and I do not feel that this is healthy to the relationship. In addition to that, this friend lavishes her with gifts, nearly every day a new material item that shows how much SHE loves her. So often they are so many, that anything I could get her feels so inadequate, especially when I hear my fiance go on and on over her gifts of love. I feel all of these connections are being lost, and the very things that seperated me as the man in her life that she would be wed to are now being lost to her best friend. I feel like I do not even have a role unique to the relationship any longer.

    I guess what I am looking for is advice. I do still give her gifts of love, and on occassion can help her, but I feel so left out of the leadership position, and a position to be her provider. Is this all just in my head? What can I say to her to make her understand? I feel like every time I bring it simply gets passed off as me not liking her friend. This is not the case. I like her just fine, I simply don't like the change that has been brought to my role. What can I say or do? Keep in mind, I'm preparing to ask her to marry me...

    I feel some of this needs to be sorted out first, but I slightly fear the problems that may arise. I know this is foolish as we have been called together, and I need to trust in it. However, it is so difficult!

    Please help me
  2. Hi Gabriel,
    there is alot to say here.
    First, you are both young and you are both going to encounter many growing years and changes throughout your relationship.
    Nothing stays exactly the same forever.
    Try not to be jealous and try not to complain about her gf in any way.
    One thing all men need to understand is that women need women.
    That never changes.
    It will be a stronger need at some times than others and even take a back seat at times, but the need never vanishes.
    Remember, what YOU can offer her is something NO ONE else ever can, as her husband.

    You 2 do become one but always allow for your own personal identities.
    You HAVE to accept each other just as you both are now because the root of our personalities don't really ever change.
    Give her your blessings over her friends and you will be her hero!
    Bless you!
  3. Hey Gabriel!

    I'm with Violet on this one, especially about the part about women needing women for friends and mentors(older women!). I will like to add a couple of things as well. First, as much as this may sound a little rough to you, the 2 of you are NOT yet married or even engaged! By that I mean to say that once you are, your position in her life will change from boyfriend to fiance and then to husband, but right now, you can't claim the privileges that come with being someone's husband and that includes being her "head" in spiritual matters. Yes, she comes to you for spiritual advice, but that's different than actually being the head of the house and of your wife. God ordained that, but again, you are not yet her husband. My second point has to do with your comments about your "provider" and "leadership" positions. You mentioned you are young, and although there is nothing wrong with thinking about those roles in your future wife's life, I am wondering about your strong focus on those things. Don't get me wrong, I know that is good to think about those things in light of getting married, but I just want you to make sure that you don't, subconsciously, think about those things under the category of "control" rather than "love". You see, usually young people who are about to become married, think about love and sentiment and the wedding night and where they're going on their honey-moon, not about leadership, provision and being the "head of the household". Am I making any sense to you? Please believe me, I am not trying to hurt your feelings and because I don't really know you, these are just mere questions that went through my mind when I read your post. You're the one who knows your heart, but I am just simply suggesting that you do search your motives and make sure that those issues which are now, more than likely thought of only in love, don't become later in you marriage a control issue which is usually very damaging to any marriage.

  4. Thank you both for your replies. I have gotten many prespectives from many people and sexes, and they all tend to say, "Woman need woman." I am trying to be understanding with this and would appreciate all the prayer you can give.

    I understand what you mean, Laura, and appreciate your concern and questions to search my heart and find what everything means. I do seem to put a lot of focus on my role as a provider and leader in our future marriage. I beleive this is out of concern that I may be inadequate to her needs. I certainly didn't mean to come off as controlling, but I could see where that comes from. I definately do not wish to be dominate the relationship, as I find it important that in a marriage both act as one to follow together the path that God has put before us.

    I think it is simply the difficulty in accepting change, but also the fear of not being an adequate husband when the time comes. I feel I should most likely talk to her about this issue, as it is one that I do need to find exactly what she wants from me as a husband before we venture into marriage. I also need to show my appreciation for her friend and the connection that they share. I know it is true that woman tend to connect on a different emotional level, but it is sometimes hard when you feel that you are not sought for any help. Please pray that I will continue to find understanding in their relationship and my fears of marriage will be set free. I must have trust in the path God puts before us.

    Thank you for your replies.

    God Bless
  5. Very well spoken, my friend! I believe you are definitely on the right path! Also, thank you for understanding my point of view and accepting my advice in that context! And yes, understanding and accepting the role that this friend plays in your girl's life is important and hard at the same time. Your willingness to do so it is, however, a great sign of spiritual maturity and genuine love for this girl. I will be praying that God shows you the best way to proceed!


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