Looking For Wise Counsel

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by lynn w, Dec 23, 2013.

  1. Feel pretty broken. Please be honest yet gentle? Have been a believer as long as I can remember but have certainly backslidden at times. I became pregnant at 21. Prayed for forgiveness and for the father of my baby to accept Christ and be there for us. He did and was. We got married and had 2 more children. We were young and struggled at times and grew at times. I never thought we'd get divorced but during a season of rebellion on both our parts we did after 14 years. Had I known how bad things would get....
    He completely fell back into alcoholism and I was so deep in my own sin, which I guess was pride and lust, I was for the first time in my life questioning the reality of God. All I could muster for prayer was "please don't let me die till I know truth again". Six weeks after my divorce I met "D"... In a bar. He said within the first 30 minutes of conversation he was looking for a God fearing woman. From there things moved quickly and we were married nine months later. About a month in the red flags became MORE obvious. He'd get grumpy and get in my face and swear at me while grabbing my arms or legs tightly. He apologized. Wasn't a regular thing. But during the first two years I was held down and straddled, kicked, slapped, choked, and the final straw was being held down while he spit on my face over and over and over. He reluctantly agreed to counseling. We saw four at our church and a Christian counselor outside. He didn't stick with any. They all said it is a mental illness or he needs deliverance. I don't know much about either but have never known anyone who could twist God's truth so well. He talked all night EVERY night in his sleep. Crude crude perverted disgusting sexual things. I was afraid to move or breathe to loud as it would start the talking or he'd actually pounce on me. He never remembered. One night really frightened me as he said "I hate you Israel. I'm going to destroy you and if will be my pleasure". I never slept well, ever. After about a year I couldn't stand it and just laid my hand on him while he was speaking and said "in the name of Jesus be quiet". It never happened again. After a solid year every night. But nothing changed during the waking hours and after much prayer, separation and counsel I filed for divorce.
    My kids obviously were greatly affected. My oldest suffered with anorexia/bulimia went from straight A's in her suburban school to gangs, drugs and prostitution. My son came out and said he was gay. At 16 his manager at work got him drunk and raped him. He went to jail. My youngest told me she was cutting herself. They were suffering from the divorce from thier dad and from the fear they feltfrom"D".Their dad who had always been so great was no longer around as he was drunk most of the time which I feel to blame for.
    During these few years my loving, forgiving Father has wrapped me in His arms and loved me. Going through all this has turned my life around. I DO NOT EVER WANT TO BE OUT OF HIS WILL EVER AGAIN. I'm so thankful to Him for His love and forgiveness. However, the wake of my sin wreaked havoc and pain on my family and that I struggle with. I've closed my eyes so many tmes and imagined waking up to find these last several years a dream... If only I'd known. I would've NEVER divorced my first husband. Biggest regret of my life.
    Its been 7 years since this began and I thank God my children are doing ok. My oldest was baptized and is in college now. My son is doing well in college also and my youngest is graduating high school. We are all very close but there's alot of healing left to do.
    I haven't let go of "D". I've tried. We're divorced and don't live together but he's still around. I thought it right to reconcile and have tried for years but I just don't see it and really question if it's right. I question whether or not he's a Christian which was part of the reason I had hope. He won't go to counseling. He quit going to church because he thought our pastor was mixing law and grace. His views have changed and now believes we shouldn't worry or even think about sin. We're forgiven so it doesn't matter. Sex out of marriage, getting drunk, swearing, porn, racism, none of it matters. Sex is a huge issue. I know I can't. I just can't! I love my Father. I've explained that too him and he calls me Moses because I'm "living under the law instead of grace"! I'm fighting depression I think because I waver. I think I've made the decision to end this then allow myself to get sucked in and doubt myself. I trust my Father completely but I don't trust myself at all. I feel so manipulated and exhausted all the time I'm finding it hard to hang on sometimes.
    Sorry so long. Please, some advice. Thank you. God bless you.
  2. What is the question you seek an answer for in all of this?
  3. Sorry. I guess a big part of this is the overwhelming confusion I feel. It translated to my post. Well, a few things. How can someone profess their belief yet act, speak and treat people like they don't? How to explain the sleep talk? How to choose between continuing to try reconciling with someone I've been divorced from longer than we were married especially with such different views of Christianity? He won't even discuss our views because he believes I am wrong and it just causes strife. I believe Sex is not ok because we are not married any longer. choosing between reconciling when I see how much it hurts my kids. I'm extremely frustrated with the constant back and forth. I know this confusion is not from God. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
  4. Sounds like a very difficult time for you. Concerning the sleep talking, it seemed normal until you mentioned hating Israel (I'm assuming that he's referring to the nation and not a person); as soon as I read the part about Israel, I began to think demonic possession. Israel is the chosen nation of God, and therefore a primary target for Satan and his friends. Be careful.

    The bible does state that you will know true believers by the fruit of the spirit. D is very wrong about his views.
    Hopefully I haven't overwhelmed you with verses, I just felt like all of them applied to your position.

    Sometimes life becomes more that we can deal with. I find that during those times, pleading with God for guidance and peace is very powerful, and usually resolves my larger problems. I hope that you find that peace and guidance, sister in Christ. God bless.
  5. I don't see any one wrong or right answer available in the near future. But there is is one absolute that covers all situations: LOVE.

    In LOVE, we sacrifice our 'self' for the benefit of others. I see the primary need for that sacrifice being the emotional, physical and psychological health and welfare of your children. If neither their father or step father can provide any of these than what is the point of maintaining the relationship? I DO NOT believe that God would have you sacrifice your personal health and safety by being submissive in an abusive relationship. If it is a financial means scenario-take the money to provide for the children and distance yourself from the Ex's. (as a father is REQUIRED to be the provider, protector AND spiritual leader of the home). You don't necessarily need 'dad' around if he is causing more spiritual damage than providing physical needs. As mom, pick up where dad is failing and lead the family spiritually. Find a good Bible believing Church family for support and follow this recipe:

    Worship, pray, fast when necessary, READ your Bible, meditate (AKA: ponder/ THINK) on God's Word, fellowship with Bible believing Christians, Seek good counsel, and repeat...

    The best thing you can do for your kids is LOVE the devil out/ away from them by becoming more like Christ....

    Consider Mary-the mother of Christ; it is speculated that Joseph was most likely dead at the time Jesus began His ministry. But Christ still submitted as the Child to His mother as an example....ponder this...

    Mary: Luke chapters 1 & 2, 8:19-21, John 2:1-5, 19:26-27

    What made their relationship work? LOVE....
  6. #6 TJW, Dec 26, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2013
    Because a "profession" of faith is a BEGINNING but in order to act like a believer, one must submit to Christ's
    Lordship on a continuous basis over the LONG term.

    This, to me, is a no-brainer. Just ask yourself these two questions:

    1) knowing what I know now, would I walk up to an altar and say "I do" ?
    2) ignoring what your children WANT, for a moment, what is the BEST choice you can make, AS A PARENT,
    for their welfare?

    My opinion is, God did you a huge favor and got you away from this turkey. And, if it were me, I wouldn't want my kids within 100 miles of him. Yes, it may "hurt" your children to not have their dad. However, the kids are far, far, far better off with one parent who is following God and teaching them Godly ways, than with living in a battle zone while being influenced by one Godly parent and one ungodly parent.

    Well, there's only one thing for certain here. Put those kids back into the cesspool, and they are going to get infected AGAIN.

    "Close" and "healing" are AS GOOD AS IT GETS. Keep them on the "healing" path. There may be a lot left to do, but don't throw them back in......they'll only get worse.

    Ok. So, question no longer. Based upon your statements below, I am going to ANSWER
    your question:
    And the answer is......
    No. He is NOT a Christian.

    Thinking "reconcile" is right thinking, and AT THE POINT when his statements become:

    Counseling is good for me to make me a BETTER Christian.
    Going to church provides me with needed Christian fellowship and teaching.
    There may be ultimate forgiveness for sin, however, there is a penalty for sin
    which we not only pay ourselves, but others pay as well.
    We should therefore put away sin from our lives, in order to become more like Jesus, which is our goal.

    Then, reconciliation may become something you want to consider.

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