Feel pretty broken. Please be honest yet gentle? Have been a believer as long as I can remember but have certainly backslidden at times. I became pregnant at 21. Prayed for forgiveness and for the father of my baby to accept Christ and be there for us. He did and was. We got married and had 2 more children. We were young and struggled at times and grew at times. I never thought we'd get divorced but during a season of rebellion on both our parts we did after 14 years. Had I known how bad things would get.... He completely fell back into alcoholism and I was so deep in my own sin, which I guess was pride and lust, I was for the first time in my life questioning the reality of God. All I could muster for prayer was "please don't let me die till I know truth again". Six weeks after my divorce I met "D"... In a bar. He said within the first 30 minutes of conversation he was looking for a God fearing woman. From there things moved quickly and we were married nine months later. About a month in the red flags became MORE obvious. He'd get grumpy and get in my face and swear at me while grabbing my arms or legs tightly. He apologized. Wasn't a regular thing. But during the first two years I was held down and straddled, kicked, slapped, choked, and the final straw was being held down while he spit on my face over and over and over. He reluctantly agreed to counseling. We saw four at our church and a Christian counselor outside. He didn't stick with any. They all said it is a mental illness or he needs deliverance. I don't know much about either but have never known anyone who could twist God's truth so well. He talked all night EVERY night in his sleep. Crude crude perverted disgusting sexual things. I was afraid to move or breathe to loud as it would start the talking or he'd actually pounce on me. He never remembered. One night really frightened me as he said "I hate you Israel. I'm going to destroy you and if will be my pleasure". I never slept well, ever. After about a year I couldn't stand it and just laid my hand on him while he was speaking and said "in the name of Jesus be quiet". It never happened again. After a solid year every night. But nothing changed during the waking hours and after much prayer, separation and counsel I filed for divorce. My kids obviously were greatly affected. My oldest suffered with anorexia/bulimia went from straight A's in her suburban school to gangs, drugs and prostitution. My son came out and said he was gay. At 16 his manager at work got him drunk and raped him. He went to jail. My youngest told me she was cutting herself. They were suffering from the divorce from thier dad and from the fear they feltfrom"D".Their dad who had always been so great was no longer around as he was drunk most of the time which I feel to blame for. During these few years my loving, forgiving Father has wrapped me in His arms and loved me. Going through all this has turned my life around. I DO NOT EVER WANT TO BE OUT OF HIS WILL EVER AGAIN. I'm so thankful to Him for His love and forgiveness. However, the wake of my sin wreaked havoc and pain on my family and that I struggle with. I've closed my eyes so many tmes and imagined waking up to find these last several years a dream... If only I'd known. I would've NEVER divorced my first husband. Biggest regret of my life. Its been 7 years since this began and I thank God my children are doing ok. My oldest was baptized and is in college now. My son is doing well in college also and my youngest is graduating high school. We are all very close but there's alot of healing left to do. I haven't let go of "D". I've tried. We're divorced and don't live together but he's still around. I thought it right to reconcile and have tried for years but I just don't see it and really question if it's right. I question whether or not he's a Christian which was part of the reason I had hope. He won't go to counseling. He quit going to church because he thought our pastor was mixing law and grace. His views have changed and now believes we shouldn't worry or even think about sin. We're forgiven so it doesn't matter. Sex out of marriage, getting drunk, swearing, porn, racism, none of it matters. Sex is a huge issue. I know I can't. I just can't! I love my Father. I've explained that too him and he calls me Moses because I'm "living under the law instead of grace"! I'm fighting depression I think because I waver. I think I've made the decision to end this then allow myself to get sucked in and doubt myself. I trust my Father completely but I don't trust myself at all. I feel so manipulated and exhausted all the time I'm finding it hard to hang on sometimes. Sorry so long. Please, some advice. Thank you. God bless you.