Let It Go...

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by vengaturreino, Jun 22, 2014.

  1. Before I got married, I was desperate for someone to give me some advice. I thought that there would be some kind of pre-marital counselling or advice course, but we were offered nothing…. All I had were two books: “Men are from Mars…” and “The 5 Love Languages”. I must say that these books have served me well and that without them, my marriage would be significantly different, but some verbal advice from another human being would have been nice too.

    However, after 3 years of marriage and rather too many ups and downs, I now feel confident to give some advice of my own.

    The first thing would be:

    “Let it go.”

    It’s such a human desire to bite back when someone hurts or criticises you, but this only leads arguments to escalate. Let it go.Instead of biting back, bite your tongue and breathe. Try to imagine what has motivated the bitter comment that has wounded you, then continue the visualization exercise by imagining what your spouse’s response to your answer will be. In my opinion, arguments are usually very predictable. With a little imagination you can script the dialogue in your head before it even happens.

    This doesn’t mean of course that you bypass communication or keep the dialogue all in your head, but it will help you to realise HOW futile arguing really is.

    The other day my husband was angry with me and we would have argued, but I was working and so instead, he wrote me a letter, expressing his feelings. When I finished working I sat down to read it and was able to listen to his words in a very powerful way, which never would have been possible if we had been arguing. When he arrived home later I was still upset by his words and in a very mixed frame of mind. Part of me wanted to apologise for the hurt I’d caused him, whereas the rest of me felt indignant and was picking fault with him; I wanted to respond to every point of his letter with a justification or an attack on him. I felt so incapable of expressing myself honestly that I remained silent…

    I went back to work after lunch and by the time I’d finished my shift I was in a much calmer state; I was able to approach him gently and apologise and we talked together about what had happened.

    I had prepared a list of grievances against him in response to his letter, but I decided to just let it go, as it wouldn’t lead to anything.

    In marriage you have to let things go. Let them go and pray that God will help you forgive and forget, as we’re not generally very good at doing this ourselves.

    christianbacktobasics2, Heart_for_Christ and TezriLi says Amen and like this.
  2. I agree with you so much, and yet, depending upon how important those things are to you personally, they will crop up again if you don't deal with them at some very real level. I think that part of what you MAY be writing is that we need to figure out that for every fault your marriage partner has, you have an equal number of faults. For myself, I figured out that I have way more faults than either of my husbands had/have; thus, it became a lot easier to accept and bless their faults.

    When I married my present husband, initially, I literally saw him as competition! So ridiculous! Yet after they sinned, that was the main problem that the first couple had -- competition. I had to learn to let his love cover my faults and let those faults go.
    TLIMS and vengaturreino say Amen and like this.
  3. #3 TLIMS, Jun 22, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2014
    I hope this might help... I and my husband married in 1975. I was four weeks past my 17th birthday and he was almost 24. He passed away in 2006. We would have celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary in May. I miss him every single minute of every day, that old reprobate! ;) After we'd been married for a couple of decades, sometimes people who had suffered break-ups and divorce would ask Tim how we did it. He would reply: "First, be 100% on board with the ride of marriage. Nothing less from both will suffice. Next: give up your pride - every day. Then, learn to say these things and MEAN them whenever necessary: "I love you. I was wrong. How can I make this right?" Lastly, don't be deceived, love, REAL love, is a decision, NOT an emotion. Period." Took him about 10 years to learn that and he had to be gobsmacked before he was able to. I remember that day - he walked up to me after some quarrel we had had, and said those amazing words: "I love you. I was wrong. How can I make this right?" My heart melted. He wasn't entirely wrong, but it's that yielding to what really matters in a seriously 'on board' marriage, and that is this: Understanding that a married couple is "one". In an argument, it does not matter if you're right or wrong, really, it matters that the love and the union are nurtured and preserved. You both have this mindset and you will prosper. When that exists, when you feel that 'safe', there's nothing you can't talk out.
    Cody Johnson, vengaturreino and porcupine73 says Amen and like this.
  4. Yes, yes, double yes!
    TLIMS and vengaturreino say Amen and like this.
  5. Thought provoking... I never thought of the 'competition' aspect. Seems very accurate a definition for so many couples, that struggle to be 'right'. It's all tied up with pride and how it is at war with the redeemed mind. Constantly, constantly I have to return to the altar when I sense that I need to refresh myself and be strengthened... to get my spiritual 'head on straight' (renewing of my mind). Let us beware: Satan really is a roving lion looking for someone to devour all the time. I like how Paul uses the metaphor of an athlete training and striving for the prize. Training and conditioning never end for the Believer.
    TezriLi likes this.
  6. I just thought of this in in regard to the endless struggle I have with pride:
    Psalm 43: 3-5:
    "O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill And to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the altar of God, To God my exceeding joy; And upon the lyre I shall praise You, O God, my God. Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God."
  7. Seeing this again above, it reminded me that one of my first longings I had after my first husband died was for a second opinion. I was suddenly making ALL the decisions, and how I wanted someone to just say, "Well, I think . . . ." I know that this is a little bit off your intention with this thread, but I think that we often think we want to control everything, but shared responsibility is better. in my opinion.
  8. Yes, ALL those decisions... so hard.
  9. My wife's been paying the bills and handling all the routine finance stuff for the past 25 years. We got married and then I shipped off to Iraq in 1992, so the responsibility fell on her. I'd be lost for a while without her LOL.
    TLIMS and TezriLi say Amen and like this.
  10. Keep telling her how much you appreciate her and all she does. (y)
    TezriLi likes this.
  11. Great advice on the arguments. The letters however....I hate them. My advice would be to NEVER write letters to each other EVER...unless they are love letters accompanying some expensive sweets. Letters = divorce letters = fines = rude = something enemies do to each other.
  12. King, my husband writes a letter to me about every three or so years -- always love letters. They have seriously always been more than enough, although unaccompanied by sweets. :) He's sweet enough, and I'll bet you are, too.
    TLIMS and KingJ say Amen and like this.
  13. Love letters AFTER you're married?! How lovely.
    TezriLi likes this.
  14. Try a love letter to your beloved sometime... hand written on actual paper with a pen. Bet they'll like it.
    TezriLi likes this.
  15. Coming this friday will be 33 years with my wife. We were both Christians when got married so we had a head start on making it last. There were many times when things did not look good, but the Lord was able to keep us together by his mercy and grace. Now being saved more than 37 years and being married 33 years I can say what made the biggest difference was this.

    Luk 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

    Mat 10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

    I had always thought, "Wow, what's the deal with God" Why does he demand so much of our attention to be focused on him alone?
    Now being more spiritual astute through the years, I now know why he demands so much from us to him.
    All love, joy, peace, life, forgiveness, gentleness, patience, and longsuffering streams and comes directly from God,s heart. The man or woman who has God as their main focus 24/7 a day, that stream of his attributes flows from God,s heart to them who loving him more. Only then will those attributes flow from us to our husband/wife.
    vengaturreino, TezriLi and TLIMS says Amen and like this.
  16. I thought this thread was going to be about the movie Frozen.
  17. Don't get it. Just not sharp enough, I guess. Haven't seen the movie, "Frozen" though - maybe that's my problem.o_O
    TezriLi likes this.
  18. Me, too. But i still thought it was funny. :D
    TLIMS likes this.
  19. "Let it go" (the name of this thread) is a name of one of the songs in the movie that they sing :)
    TLIMS likes this.
  20. Oh, YEAH... my daughters have a dear friend who is married to a marine. While he had to be gone for a while, he sent her a video of a whole group of his jar-head buddies watching that movie and singing along with "Let It Go"! They were doing fake tears at the end and everything. I fell over laughing.

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