Leaving the faith I thought I was a Christian and I thought I was saved, but I've realized that this means more than I ever could have imagined. If Christianity and God are real, he is calling me to give up all my fears and to follow him unconditionally. Before I was living in hypocrisy because I did most of what God outlined in the Bible and said I was a Christian. However, I have realized that there are "small" things that I can't do even if God asks me to because of my fear. If I can't do these things, could I give up my only son for adoption if God asked me to for the furtherance of his Kingdom (this is what Rees Howells did)? Could I hurt my friends or my parents by following what seems an irrational or legalistic lifestyle if that was what God was calling me, personally, to do at a certain time of life? Basically, I've prayed and prayed for God to release me from fears like these and to give me a love and trust for him so that I could follow Him wholeheartedly. Even this week I tried confronting my fear by doing things that are specifically hard or impossible for me to do (such as going up to strangers and starting a conversation about God). I found that I could not do it. If I am to be a Christian, I need this help from God and it seems like He is not answering. So I know that I will be leaving the faith, no longer being a Christian (if I ever was) unless I find that Jesus has sent the Holy Spirit to me as he promised to guide me in doing the impossible. I can't live a Christian life without Him. I never loved God with all my heart, soul, and mind and I never was sure if he was answering my prayers. Now I know why. The greatest proof that God exists is that he is living and working in us. If I doubt that he is keeping his promises to me, can I really believe that he exists? This is why I need prayer.