Discussion in 'Humor' started by PeaceLikeaRiver, Aug 14, 2014.
I don't see another thread for jokes here, starting up another one...
A minister, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
"What is this, a joke?"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOOOOOLD of him and we began to wrestle! We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both look down at Rabbi Lipshitz, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
Rabbi Lipshitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out..."
I moved this thread to the Humor section Peace like a river
Ah, thanks and sorry. Don't know why I couldn't find it.
Sunday's Sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
Toward the end of the services, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not
willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read her Bible? And you know that she can't see very well. Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You are the only one with the good sense to know what your mother likes. Thank you for the chicken. It was absolutely delicious."
no worries m8! hehehehehehehehehehehe mm hhmm I recon
A Protestant plumber was called to come to a Catholic church to fix a leak behind a large statue of Jesus. As he worked on the leak, an old woman came in and went to the next statue, a statue of the Virgin Mary, and began to chant/pray. The plumber, who was not a fan of Catholicism, thought he would "help" the woman see the light.
Hiding behind the Jesus statue, he called out, "why do you talk to that statue, I'm right here."
The old woman paused a moment, then continued.
The plumber said a little louder, "don't seek others in prayer, just open your heart to me."
The woman sighed, and then continued again.
"Come to me, I am Jesus, only I can save you!" the plumber called out a little louder.
Finally the lady turned around and said, "will you shut up? I'm trying to talk to your mother!"
A naked woman was walking into church when she was stopped by a priest who said,
"Miss, you can't come in here like that."
and the woman replied:
"But father, I have a divine right!"
The priest answered;
"And your left is pretty good too, but you still can't come in."
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'
That's FUNNY! LOL
who would have thought Obama is such a beach?
I am going through a 'sexist' phase at my work . Trying to get everyone off racist jokes.
A few I have shared:
- As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
- Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
- How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
- Why do women have arms?
Do you know how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
- There are only two things wrong with women:
1) Everything they say.
2) Everything they do.
- Why don't women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
- What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
- All women are the same, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
- What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
- When you get in an argument with a woman, it's your word against thousands of hers.
I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Nearly in tears, she turned to me and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Apparently this one (or something along these lines) won an award as being the best joke in some event (Edinburugh Fringe Festival???)
I sold my Hoover the other day... It was just gathering dust.
A really old one.
My wife went to the West Indies on holiday.
No she went of her own accord.
This one about Sherlock won some award back in the day, but it is rather 'lame', just like yours .
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."
A limerick I just got from my mother, probably ancient but I don't remember hearing it before.
There once were two nuns of Siberia
With fasting grew wearier and wearier
One day with a yell,
They burst from their cell
And ate up the mother superior
My father’s father tells a story about talking to a nun on a crowded New York subway. I don’t know how he would know if a woman were a nun. He was reading a newspaper, and he spoke to the nun.
“Hey, … sistah, … what causes ars-RI-tis?”
She very likely smelled the whiskey on his breath, and she ignored him. However, he asked again several times.
Finally she turned to him and said, “It is your demon whiskey, your low women, your gambling, and your carousing that cause arthritis.”
How she knew so much about my father’s father remains a mystery.
He looked at her and said, “Oh, I jus wondered. Here in dah papah, it says dat dah pope got ars-RI-tus.”