I got out of a bad spell of drinking in September. I have mentioned before following one of those dos I'm vulnerable for a month or so. Things have not got well. The straw that broke the camels back this time was a PC breaking down following a routine update it wouldn't boot. It does lots of things, eg. all our pop3 email is pulled to a local IMAP server, it does local DNS, it runs some my home automation code so even working the lights in this house is more complicated with out it, etc. It wasn't something I could leave alone until I felt better. I upgraded the whole system from opensuse 12.3 to 13.1 and after quite a fight (the upgrade turned out to be far from straight fowrard) got things woking, then I ran a routine update and bang, it seems both distributions have the same (fakeraid) problem... Anyway I reinstalled yet another time and at least have things like email and the lights working for all of us. That's the background this time round. The problem is again that I turned to my old (not) friend to cope with it all and I'm in big trouble again. I can't seem to put the brakes on. Maybe that will come but I'm not at the moment. I'm not finding the will. The run prior to this had been brilliant. It lasted about a year and we had recently tried to start going to church again. Following the first break down, I'd even got myself back to reading the bible again, starting with the Gospels, as part of a daily routine. Now I'm even battling "that's what you will get for trying harder with God" thoughts. Please someone, tell me where the point is. I don't want to live this way but it's so difficult trying to live in the knowledge that, assuming I get out of it, that in a year or so time (if I last that long) I will react to some set of circumstances and I'll be back in this circle. I remember once when on a detox course really feeling like throwing myself in the river and a thought came to me something like "there is point and through all this, I have not left your side" and yes, faint as it can seem, I think one has to keep holding on to a belief that Christ will see you through even the darkest of days. I'm struggling even to do that today though. I'm not at the moment feeling suicidal but I'm feeling why even bother with the fight with alcohol, why bother with God when things always end up like this. Please someone, encourage me.