Its time to release my true testimony It all starts from the age of 13. At the age of 13 I had depression but I didn't realize it until 10 years later. I was fairly close to God when I was 13, I would worship and pray but in the end I parted my way, see I had quite allot of anger and hurt from my childhood and I decided that if all this pain around me was real, and God was real he was not a real good creator at all. I couldnt see why God would create something so evil I blamed Him for all the pain I have seen, the people starving and so on. So I said some rather nasty things and shut Him off. I said that if there was heaven and hell I didnt care because I wouldn't wanna be with someone that was such a poor creator. I didn't truly understand the whole thing, as you may have guessed by now.. But He never left me, even when I tried so hard to push Him away, He never left. It would seem my words were merely common words He had heard it all before and it didn't affect Him being around... I tried to be an atheist but it didnt work because I knew there is a spiritual world. So I tried to be a pagan, I tried to create a hobby of Ghost Hunting as well. I picked being a pagan because they didn't believe in God and I tried to push all the Christian stuff out of my head and forget about heaven and hell. I almost achieved it and I was doing pretty good at getting abosolutly no where fast. The more I pushed myself in to darkness the more lost I felt, I think its because I was already spiritually a Christian, so the more I ran the worst I felt spiritually drained emotionally drained, I was dead in side almost to a point of no return. I had learned how to stop caring about earth, to me global warming was a myth and so on. I saw war on TV and didn't care, I heard of death of 100s of people and couldnt even flinch an eye about it. - I was dying inside in the most evil way possible, spiritually! I had finally blocked all that is God out, but yet He was still there! just silent because I wanted Him to be. I think He knew I was coming back someday, why else would he always be there?? A Jehovah Witness kept coming to the door in that last 6 months and finally got let in one day, I made jokes to myself about her and how stupid she was for being a Christian. Anyway towards the end I was soo lost and lonely spiritually so I said to God, "If you are there now is your chance, I will take what you give me" Or something along them lines, I was at this point in my life, I was either going to become a full fledged Christian or a pagan and I was going to embrace either which. But something inside me made me say that to God, who I was trying to get out of my head.. the next week or so the JW said to me "If you want to know anything feel free to come talk with us" I said "Ok' But in my head I said "If you wasnt a JW I would" it wasnt 2 weeks later that she left the JW faith but kept coming here. I had no excuses not to talk to her any more, she had left the JW faith. So I talked to her a little and when she left I started to study Christianity again. The day I started studying I asked God for help studying. I was searching a certain subject and His word spoke the answer, it was scripture entirely irrelevant to what I was studying. But it said to me the answer I had asked just as if someone was sitting next to me saying it. The answer or question dont even matter anymore. The only purpose it served was for God to show me He is there and always has been. It um, stunned me for a min and I didnt know what to do... I ended up just tearing up and saying "You was always there, wasnt you?" Things have been great since, I am learning so much and growing so much, faster than I ever thought possible. Now I apologize for any spelling mistakes etc, but I hope it makes sense, there is just so much other things that I have left out, alot of it is kinda R rated and as there is kids here I thought it best to leave out.