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It's official. I dislike my family. This is a rant. Comments welcomed.

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by nijikon, Sep 22, 2015.

  1. Hi Christian Forum Site,

    Many of you might recognize me as having a few posts on my selfish and inconsiderate sister. She actions has taken another whole new level that has made me cornered and helpless. I JUST NEED TO TALK IT OUT through a short rant, comments welcomed.

    Warning 1: I'm a factual and empirical person. I have resorted to invading privacy to truly know the matter. You'll see.
    Warning 2: I'm controlling the harsh words I say. But please believe me, as a Christian, I've tried.

    Main point: My sister has not stopped her selfish, inconsiderate, ungrateful ways. This starts as a story of the accomplished brother who got a good education and money (US$6,000 / month) and the lowly sister, who is three years older!, who stumbled in her life and earns little (US$1,500 / month). What gives me the right to disapproved her? God forgive me. But when I know certain things, and when the family seems to continually enabling her, I literally am alone and lost.

    Update One: My mom still pays my Sister's credit cards. How I know? 1. I actually went through my Mom's sub card for my sister and her spending is just about US$1,500 / month. Backed up by how when my Auntie visited, my Auntie even convinced my Mom to let my sister learn the hard way, I'm convinced my sister has free cash from an elderly (Mom) to spend.

    Update Two: I've noticed my sister's spending happens and even in this hopeless, lowly, depressed situation, SHE STILL SPENDS and my Mom's supports her. I again saw ANOTHER of my Sister's itinerary forwarded to my Mom's phone where my Sister took a day touring an European city between her overseas assignment. I'm sure she didn't pay for it with her US$1,500 / month and she still have the nerve to just swipe another elderly's credit card for a fun time away from home. Oh, did I tell you she smokes and I'm saying that to add to the case that she spends.

    Update Three: Okay, my Dad was nice enough to buy each of us a car five years back. And now that my Dad is in financial trouble (READ: Dad financial trouble Sister enjoys herself in Europe), he asked me to sell MY car. Let me remind you that he actually approached my sister a year earlier to sell hers with the rationale that my sister can't afford to keep her car (YOU THINK?!) and her reply was "um ... okay ... um ... gimme next month" so he ended up asking me to sell mine, which I did. I'm for supporting my family, but don't you think siblings should share the burden and not have the one with the advantage (READ: my sister with my Mom paying her road tax and fuel) just drive around ignoring the situation.

    Update Four: The same situation - my Mom is considering give my sister the house because she can't make it in life, my Dad going back with his promise of paying for my Masters (guess where the money went), I doing the usual chores in the house.

    Bottom Line: If I do a quick sum, I feel this way because there has been and will be favoritism to someone who just doesn't understand any notion of care, concern and love. And in any family who practices fairness, I wouldn't live the dejected life I live now where someone's favoritism comes at my loss. When my mom is ill, who pays the bills? When my Dad needed cash, he couldn't draw on his reserves which he wasted on someone (literally wasted on a student who didn't graduate) and came to me. When thinking of my family's future, who work part time over and above his full time job while someone else watches TV. My sister was unemployed for three years. I guess my family assumes I'll be thriving in life, which I definitely wish I will. Sometimes I just want to tell my parents that they're only saying that because they don't want to face their terrible mistake of betting and then losing badly on someone else.

    A quick approximation is that my parents has given my sister close to US$40,000 and she has nothing to show for it. It's one thing to find help to buy something you need. It's another thing to find help to buy something (your 10th pair of shoes, a new phone, your monthly holiday) because the money just came from your parents and you don't care or have no idea of the financial difficulties now or that will come.

    God help me.
  2. Member Notice
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  3. If your parents need your help, you have a choice to give it, but make sure it does NOT extend to your sister who lives off them. You can actually stipulate that should you discover one penny of your aid goes to her through them in any way, there will be no further support. They are all responsible for mismanagement.
    Angela333 and mommytobof3 say Amen and like this.
  4. The only advice I can give is to take over the entire financial system of your parents so you can control what they give, or not give, otherwise they won't stop and you'll end up supporting them all. It's that, a serious chat with your sister, or you keep the status quo and tell the Lord He has to fix this situation. But your hatred towards your sister is not Christlike. We do the same thing to God, yet He still loves us.
    Angela333 and mommytobof3 say Amen and like this.
  5. Thanks everyone for the support. I guess you can say how I feel is largely a result of how finances are divided. I really don't want to be money minded. But picture what my parents have willingly chose to do.

    Son: "We know you have a good job so we are letting you be financial independent. If you have $0 savings and miss your credit card payment of $600, you'll be in debt and we'll leave you to live in austerity until your next pay check".

    Daughter: "We know you aren't keen on working (trust me: she turned down an offer because the place was too far. I mentioned this before) so you got at least $1000 free credit from us every month (and she used it for many months)."

    It's just very difficult to find happiness when I come home to an environment like this, that which I know my parents willingly set up.

    Anyway, God help me. I certainly go to church to take my mind off this.
  6. If you make that much money then you need to be on your own. Going to church won't solve your problem.
    mommytobof3 and Ravindran say Amen and like this.
  7. Which country are you from?
  8. I realize that. And yes, I'm in the phase of moving out and getting my own place. But that I suspect that obviously won't change what is happening. My dad will still ask me for money. And my mom will still enable my sister. KNOWING that still gets to me. But yup, I know I will feel slightly better because I'll go back to a physical place where these things that happen are not a bedroom away.

    It's also partly being related to someone who has zero decency to recognize the financial situation and is trapped in this made up fantasy where she'll always have that free US$1k credit a month. My mom pays, I support my mom, I loss. I'm stupidly fueling this whenever I stay.
  9. I feel for you, it must be a very hard situation to deal with and I am wondering if money is the problem or if you are feeling unappreciated and unloved, I'm sure your parents show you love but favouritism is also a sense of not feeling as loved as much as another. It seems to me that your parents are proud of you and rather than favouriting your sister, see her as helpless or somewhat hopeless in their eyes, yet you are dependable and true to your character. Maybe there are things you don't know about sister or what makes her tick, to behave the way she does. I think the only practical way to deal with this is to change your attitude, (attitude not being good or bad), and choose a view point or a non judgemental stand that allows you to be free of the negativity living within you ATM over this. How can you see the situation compassionately, without condemnation or blame that allows you be free of anger and hostility, to live in peace and potentially grow and mature in your relationship with your parents and your sister. Life is about perspective, choose yours wisely, I know you can.
    Abdicate and Mykuhl say Amen and like this.
  10. I'm guessing you're an adult, so why are your parents taking care of any of their adult children? I understand parents help but to fully support?? If your parents are of sound mind you can't dictate how the money is spent. Your dad needed help it's your choice to help or not to help. You sound very angry and should maybe discuss this with your parents.
  11. Thank you for your comment. Let me tell you what happened when my Auntie, Dad's side, visited.

    My Auntie knew about this problem. Short background. My Auntie knew that her brother, which is my Dad, is having financial problems. She then reached out to both me and my Sister. I decided to contribute, and my Sister didn't. It can be argued that I should be the only one contributing because I'm the high salary earner. While that may be true, I think the only right that is that you contribute a percentage of what you earn and at least don't go on spending trips knowing this is the case.

    Now, my Auntie visited my Mom one day and I overheard this conversation - My Auntie was telling my Mom to stop supporting my Sister, again I remind you that this "support" is paying for her credit cards (~US$1,500 / month verified when I saw the statements PM me if you want proof) and being her immediate cash support. Well, my Mom disregarded and was oblivious to that suggestion making the following responses:

    1. Acknowledged that I'm the better one who is able to financially support myself. (I don't care. It's about what is fair in a family).
    2. She will deal with it when the time comes - it disgust me so much that my Sister can't recognize that my Mom is past the retirement age.
    3. As with most loving, or shall I say enabling, mothers, she will do all she can for her daughter.

    The truth is, to me, my Mom and my Sister are both at an advanced age where they rather see the now then see they future. And in a way, I can't really blame them. It's their life after all. Unfortunately, the result of this is that the mother doesn't see the effect she has on any normal son - she has made a choice to continue to support one of her children leaving the other lost, neglected and dejected. Family's should be fair, agreed? And barring how much each children make, how would the brother feel if instead of blessing him with $10k for his wedding, she blesses the daughter with another $10k for her holiday trip above the $10k she paid for her credit cards, her phone bills, her shoes. Am I wrong to feel this way?

    I won't act. It's a feel. And I feel this way. That's why I'm in an odd proposition where subconsciously, I'm just losing any feelings I have with my family as a result of this.

    Yes, it's hard. Believe me when I say the home is now the least place I feel at home. Other places, like at work or at church, has become more of a home for me as I'm treated as an equal person. Is it too much to ask that I'm given the same amount of favouritism among others. I don't see how I can call home a home where favouritism is shown to another person. It's favouritism defined as being blessed with money. But it's still favouritism.
  12. If one of my children ( I'm a mother of 3) and one was able to financially take care of themselves, but one needed help and couldn't make it I wouldn't just give my children a large amount of money. That's part of being an adult is financially caring for yourself. I grew up basically poor. If we wanted to go to college we paid for it, we wanted a car we bought it etc. The only way my mother would and will help or is ABLE to help is if it's a necessity such as medicine, something my kids need and I can't afford at the moment but everything has to be paid back. My mother has worked since she was 15 (babysitting) and still works at the age of 56 (warehouse) she has raised 3 children by herself because my father never wanted to be a dad even during their marriage she took care of us. Part of growing up and being an adult is working to get somewhere in life. If my children are financially able to care for themselves why should someone else do it? When I got married I didn't get a gift such as money, I got a photo album instead. I've also tried raising my children so they don't feel entitled to anything unless they've worked for it. Life's hard it's not easy.
  13. Thank you. And yes, I agree with you. I believe a parent should show her children the ways of being an adult, which includes being financially independent and doing good to society. I'm grateful that my parents have led me to be such a person.

    But that gratitude gets less and less knowing how I'm coming back to an environment where what they do disguises the fact that they don't treat me as an equal.

    Imagine a day this month, my parents pull me and my sister in a room and say this.

    "Son, God bless that you worked hard and got a raise. We know you're behind a payment for your credit card but you'll do just fine. Also I am confident you can save for your Masters.

    Daughter, it's been two years since you quit your previous job. We're fine paying your phone bills and road tax and will continue to do so. We also know you've tried applying but understand you are waiting for that dream job. Go ahead use the credit card to buy another pair of shoes and air ticket. We can pay for your overseas studies"

    Now imagine this happening month after month.

    Now compare this with a response I feel is reasonable:

    "Son, me and your Mom have been saving. So we will pay half of the wedding you'll soon have.

    Daughter, we understand you're working hard though earning a little. We'll rent a car for you for the next two years."

    Both situations, the Son and the Daughter's the same.

    But you know what, I'm just resigning to the fact that my parents made some bad mistakes on how they brought up and sister. The situation is way pass me asking my Mom or Dad for anything. They'll just have to live with how their Son sees them. I THINK ANY SON IN MY POSITION WILL FEEL THAT TINGE OF DEJECTION AND LONELINESS.

    Maybe any mothers or fathers ( mommytobof3, I know you're not ) who has shown favoritism ( okay don't wanna be calculative but favoritism to the tune of US$30k given to a child and not the other ) can chime in on whether is it unreasonable that I feel this way.
  14. So, what I'm reading here is: She got money and I didn't and I don't like that. Maybe it's just jealousy?
    Klub likes this.
  15. It seems like a little jealousy. I kinda thought you wanted feed back but it seems you want sympathy.
  16. Here's my whack at it. Here's some background to me/my family situation. I'm 19, living at home, one of my sisters is currently incarcerated, the other one is living off of food stamps/my grandma's wallet, she has 1 kid, and another on the way and is unmarried.

    If I got upset everytime my mom or grandma gave her something, or everytime I was neglected because of their focus on her, I'd drive myself insane. The countless things she has done to scam our family grows by the week, and my grandma just feeds into it. It causes financial, physical and emotional burdens, and more often than not, I am involved in cleaning up after something she has done.

    Praise God for it!

    It has taught me countless lessons, and has built my understanding of people. Yes, sometimes I get mad at my sister, Yes, sometimes I wish she would change. But I have to praise God that she is alive, and atleast she is not in some slums getting raped. She still has a chance to accept the Lord, and every moment I hope that she does. If the day comes that she accepts the Lord, I will praise God even more. Compared to the physical things she has ruined, how much greater is her soul?

    There's a ton of things that could be said about justifying how you feel, and how your family isn't paying attention, but none of that matters in the scheme of eternity. Look to God, pursue Him in His word. Love your sister, your mother and your father unconditionally, and forgive your sister. Reading your story, I did not see any forgiveness, perhaps that is a good place to start.

    If your sister continues down this path, don't put your focus on it. Continue to pursue God and Witness, your walk with God is so much greater than to worry about temporary conditions of life.
    Angela333, Mykuhl and Abdicate says Amen and like this.
  17. If you say I'm jealous because my family had US$30k to share between two of their children and they decided to give all US$30k to the one who is three years older out of the two, then yes, I'm jealous. Can you tell me I shouldn't be jealous?

    Seems like an alternative way to look at it. Let me think it through.
  18. I totally understand your point of view... it would have been more tolerable if they forced her into a prudent living, rather than encourage her to continue a life of extravagance and then source the funds from you right? In that kind of a situation improve yourself, increase your income so that no matter how much you give, you wouldnt feel the impact of the amount given. Also i think you should stop letting them know your financial details. People at times have this habit of planning other people's money for them and no matter your dreams or aspirations, nothing will be more important to your parents than using your money to make your sister financially stable. Also cheer up!! Givers never lack!!
    Euphemia likes this.
  19. Hi Holycaves. Thank you for your input. I've thought about looking through this lens before but it doesn't seem to help. I have literally bashed myself into austerity doing this. I told myself that the $800 I give monthly to the family will come through part-time work in the form of my website building and some jobs from Elance / Upwork. Here's the result - I come back after working till 7pm to a home where I rush to my room putting in another 3 hours for that Elance project after seeing my Sister buy her tenth pair of shoes. Imagine that for second. You work a 14 hours day to help sustain the family and someone a few feet from you has habits that is needlessly taking away from the family.

    Anyway, what Klub said has some value. But I'm sorry, I'm not as loving as Jesus. Truthfully, didn't Jesus also said something about working for your keep. How about "For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat." 2 Thes 3:10. In light of that, I can argue that the following picture is correct.

    This is a given. I'm probably going to pay a large chunk of my family's medical bills 5 years from now. As someone who plans and has foresight in life, I need to filter out these negative emotions by lessening the ties with a family that doesn't practice this fairness in order for me to "improve myself" and reach that position when I can cover that medical bill when my parent's age. Certainly, definitely and clearly, my Sister isn't thinking about that.

    I know it's a very methodical way of approaching the matter. But let's not remove its significance. Money is limited and I'll be a fool to not work more where it seems the ways of sloth and ill financial management will not change. Remember, my Mom said "she'll let my Sister handle herself when my Mom retires." Let them be. Let me feel jealous. And let me be not be in an even worse situation when I'm approached five years from now for even more money.
  20. What then shall I do?

    1. Be a more jovial son and join them for more family dinners. Then facing them stirs that anger inside of me as I'm always reminded that I have the burden to carry the financial load due to the unfairness and wrong decisions of others. - Anger and hatred is a sin and I want to avoid feeling that by staying away from my mother and Sister.
    2. Same as 1 but summon all the spiritual strength inside me to forgive my family members and praise God for this - this is very very difficult, I'll get tired very quickly and I just can't justify the need of praising God here while I can praise God in inviting new comers for my youth service, which I do once a month btw.
    3. My close friends suggested having a mature and ultimatum conversation, a one last ditch attempt of proper advice, with my Mom and Sister - okay, this is actually a good suggestion. I just can't see myself doing it because one, my Sister's track record of 3 years has little evidence to suggest such a conversation will help and two, my Mom also has a track record of enabling my Sister.
    4. Again, be the outcast, dejected and lost one, subjected to losing end of favouritism in a family, and just strive for a better situation for myself. Seek joy in environments away from home as I have no control over the choices made but have control to how I react to them.

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