Well, I was on FB .. and i just thought of a certain friend of mine..and decided to search for her..and found her on the first go around ^-^ I remember last time I was with her she was saved and headed in the right direction. And when i looked at her page , her life only seemed to have gotten better . I saw pictures of her in the phillipines and india helping children..doing what God calls us to do... and it just made me feel soo bad. She, imo is living the life God died for us to have...she has family,friends, she's in school, working..and still serving the church and has a beautiful relationship with God But when I look at my life, shoot if anyone else looked at my life... you couldn't tell God is with me : / Even though I desire God..he ignores me..he barely talks to me..its so frustrating b/c I try to seek God but I get no-thing in return..... and its like those that were in my church that just abandoned ship..they hear his voice clearly, he blesses them with work and you can see the changes he made in their life..well the changes he did make when they did come to church. Yet.. I felt I showed how much i wanted God by catching the bus and train ect just to go to church... when it was cold and raining.. and its like I don't have anything to show for it : / I ask God to change me, to the point others can see it too, ..that didn't happen.. im still riddle with anxiety to the point of being reclusiveand just feeling crazy in general and..im more alone then Ive ever been.. its just crazy ..bc ..I just feel cursed. My life w/o God was hellish and my life with Him is no better.. I just do not understand.. im trying to seek Him but he hides , I ask to be changed and he ignores me..but my memebers who don't want him at al..He goes after them! uhg(not saying he shouldn't..its just aggravating) I just don't get wha Im doing wrong, I know as a christian things won't go hunkydorrie all the time..but your life shouldn't be filled with sorrow ALL the time! gaaasssh lol.. when i looked at her page ..and even what I remebeer abt my friend....She has that live you know Christ is in, and I know she's probably not happy all the time..but from what she's doing ect.. you can just see God in her life..and w/ me ... I just honestly wish I'd evaporate. I haven't made the slightest impact on anyone's lives outside my family... and it hurts so much b/c I truly want God but He just ignores me. Or just doesn't give anything abt my life. And its not just my life ..