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Is it wrong to ask my mother to leave?

Discussion in 'Requests for Assistance' started by MommaB, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. After a fight between my mother & father turned physical, I told my mother (who lives out of state) to come stay with my husband & I. She stayed with another family member for a few months before flying in to stay with me. Initially, I was thinking it would be great to have my mom around helping out & for my kids to have their grandma here, while at the same time helping her leave a bad situation. Now, I just want my house & normalcy back. I should also mention I'm due to have a baby any day. It's not that my mother is doing anything rude. In fact, she cooks meals almost every day, will run any errands for me, & will do anything I ask. I just don't want her here all the time, especially when it's time to bond with my new baby. She has no plan for how long she's staying, no car, & at some point no money now that she's not working. I feel like it's my Christian duty to help her, but I feel bad for being so annoyed that she's here every day. I'm annoyed that she's in my kitchen every morning. I want my house to myself after the kids go to school. Even if she stays in her room, I am annoyed that she's here. I feel like I'm going to snap if she says anything to me! I think I have some major control issues over my house & my family. My husband loves my mom & this doesn't bother him one bit, especially since the dishes are clean every day! I just feel it is stressing ME out & I don't like who I am right now & how I feel about this. Is it unchristian of me to ask her to leave?
     
  2. Not to divert the topic by any means.. This is something not my area also.. So my apologies if this topic is offensive for women. My wife is never offended talking these things with me. Could it be something to do with hormones? May be you should let things cool down until you have the baby? Certainly, you bonding with your baby is not going to be impacted by your mom being with you.. I am sure you would realize that deep in your heart.. It would only help you to focus on your baby instead of other work at house..
     
  3. Thank you for taking the time to respond Ravindran. I am not offended at all. And you're actuality very right as far as hormones go! I know my emotions are all over the place, which is why I shouldn't make any rash decisions. Although, I will say whenever my "dysfunctional" family visits, I feel like I can't breathe, even when I'm not pregnant. I usually do a good job making them comfortable here, but this open-ended visit is a lot of pressure on me. I feel responsible for my mom's well-being, when I want to just focus on my kids & new baby & husband. I don't know when or if she'll leave this time. I feel as though my family dynamics are confusing with her here. I feel horrible that I feel this way.
     
  4. It may be help if you talk with your husband about your feelings and you both agree on some plan how to solve this problem (whether it ends by asking your mother to leave or you set up new rules in your house or whatever). It may be easier as well if your husband would be the one who would talk with your mother about these things and who would be the main "executor" of agreed plan.
     
  5. If your father did not have an affair you need to get them both to counseling. Physical abuse is temporary separation + counseling.
     
  6. I think I know the feeling. I grew up with my parents never home, and I got comfortable being alone. So now sometimes if family comes over and is around too long, I start feeling like I need space. For me personally, I don't think it's good for me to be that way. At the same time I'm glad God has revealed it to me, so that I can make an effort to change.

    Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; - Isaiah 58:7
    If God asks me to bring homeless strangers into my home, then I guess it shouldn't bother me when my sister wants to come over. hehehe.

    Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God. Hebrews 13:16
     
  7. There are not adequate words to describe how absolutely disgusting this vile comment is. I feel sick just reading it.
     
  8. Just my opinion, and I could be wrong but I don't think his intentions were to offend anyone. I think his comment was based on the scripture that talks about there being only one reason acceptable to get a divorce.
     
  9. Guilting a victim of domestic abuse into returning to their abuser is to be complicit in the abuse. Nobody who's ever been exposed to domestic violence would ever dare suggest such a thing.
    This is exactly the sort of scriptural exegesis that is necessary. It is clear that the Biblical Hebrews were a highly patriarchal society that hadn't yet experienced a feminine revolution, and so women were subjects of their husbands rather than equals. It is unethical to hold to outdated beliefs simply because it was the cultural norm in the Bible. Understand the societal understandings of the time period and allow the actual moral teachings to be applied within the advanced culture of the modern time frame.
    God has bestowed humans with Divine Reason. Ignoring this reason is to reject the gift of God.
     
  10. I don't know if it's because of my previous experience with KingJ. I really did not find it offensive. Actually he is bringing a totally new angle.. It is not just about keeping the mother or not.. Looking beyond that, why mother should separate from father? Which is the real problem right.. And his comment was completely Biblical..
     
  11. Then I guess things are not just going to get okay pretty soon.. What does your father say about the situation? Is he in touch with you and talk about these things?
    Like Robine said, may be your husband can help in patching up things between your mom and dad?
     
  12. I'm not offended. I find it unethical to belittle the seriousness and psychological trauma of domestic violence. To whimsically dismiss an abusive relationship as merely needing counseling just compounds the problem and has the potential of making the victim feel guilty for being victimized.
     
    Relentless and Robine say Amen and like this.
  13. I appreciate all the responses & different points of views. As far as counseling for my parents, they're beyond that, but that's between them. It's a very unhealthy relationship, but I don't want to play counselor, nor do I feel it's my place. I want nothing to do with their relationship. I spent my entire childhood as their counselor. And no, I don't think cheating is worse than physical abuse, but infidelity isn't the problem there. My emotions & stress of worrying about her situation & future are draining me, which in turn is becoming unhealthy for my growing family. After reading some responses here, I think telling her to leave isn't Christian like. It's too emotion based, much due to hormones. I think the right thing to do is have a talk with her about my emotions & set boundaries as far as her place in our home, yet do what I can to help her.
     
    mommytobof3 and Robine say Amen and like this.
  14. #14 KingJ, Jan 21, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2015
    Don't turn this into a feminist thread please. Physical and verbal abuse can be on either spouse.

    I am all for the reasoning behind scripture and using lateral thought. What we must not do however is think we know better then God. Scripture corrects scripture. Not opinion. Though I will agree that logic is important and I am sure that if you / we all allow the Holy Spirit to help we will see that scripture is very logical.

    Firstly just accept that scripture is crystal clear in Matt 5:32 and Mark 10:9 that physical abuse is not grounds for divorce.

    Now I believe the logic to Jesus's wisdom here is that He knows the level of rebellion / hatred / loss of respect within someone who is capable of that. Someone who beats there spouse at an extreme level has either lost all respect for them (result of marital affair) or is a mental case. Nobody just beats someone they dedicated their lives to. Do you understand that? Counseling will help.

    When someone commits a marital affair the damage on the marriage is 10/10. When someone has a once off the damage on the marriage is 9/10. Verbal and physical abuse 8/10. Watching porn 3/10. Not kissing each other daily 1/10. We do not leave for 1-9/10's. Even if there is a 10/10 there just may still be hope if for example they were unsaved and are now saved because of 2 Cor 5:17. Acts 10:15 is also crystal clear instruction to us to regard what God sanctifies as holy.

    As long as Jesus is in us and our partner wants to be with us and Jesus, there is always hope of a better tomorrow. The Christian never leaves. Mark 10:9 is clear on that. We have to see it as them leaving us when they commit a marital affair.

    We are Christians. We are not humans. We know that Jesus is a burning fire inside us and that anyone who wants to stay with us is on some level indirectly choosing to be with Jesus. We live for Jesus and follow scripture to the tee / judge ourselves on that in fear and trembling before God Matt 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple MUST deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. Phil 2:12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

    Your advice stems from selfishness / wanting to grab hold of your own life. Scripture has a warning for you Matt 16:25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

    Prov 18:2 Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.
     
    mommytobof3, Where is the Messiah and JG27_chili says Amen and like this.
  15. @KingJ, your post is logical and theoretically (biblically) correct but you would never talk this way if you have ever experienced being woman in an abusive relationship. I don't want to say that scripture is wrong. But you should realize that you are talking about burning pain in hearts of women who experienced it (and that pain doesn't leave even after many years and not even after the victim forgives).

    That's great. I will pray for you!
     
  16. I FULLY understand the desire to leave. But I also grasp that God can give woman victory if they obey His commandments.

    The one elder at my church told me that 99% of physical abuse from men is because they have lost all respect for their wives because of affairs. Their hearts have moved on. How else can a spouse lose all respect for someone they dedicated their lives too? Only a handful of good people get married today and stay faithful.
     
  17. To leave a relationship where domestic violence happens is really very hard. The desire is not about to leave but to be loved by the man.
    It’s risky to say what the elder said. I would ask him how he found it out (especially the percentage).
     
  18. #18 KingJ, Jan 21, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2015
    The elder is talking from His experience.
    Of course. We all want that. But we are imperfect humans. Today if any bad time comes we want a divorce. What in the universe happened to loving God?????? Loving God = obey His commandments = stick at the marriage for better or worse.

    A man who is abusive is bad. But a woman who divorces is worse. Where is her trust and love for God?

    We all fail at Christianity today. We live for ourselves. I saw it the other day when I counseled a couple getting a divorce. They don't have much money and it creates tensions and all sorts of problems. The lack of money is the clear underlying reason for the woman leaving. She claims abuse etc etc. There is perhaps some truth to it. But her discernment beyond her nose, respect and love for God is a joke.

    A husband and wife stick at marriage to please God.....NOT themselves. We are 'dead' / the life we now live is Christ's....unless we are not Christians. Our fickle love, feelings and needs for self worth come and go. If all we had was a feeling of being loved we would all be divorced. We would all miss out on the unseen future where love would be abounding. As long as God is in the picture / first in our lives there are always good times / things to come.
     
  19. Thank you for your prayers. I feel as though this thread has spun off into a thread about opinions on divorce & abusive, which is an important issue, but not the main point of the help I'm asking for. While I care deeply about my parents relationship with each other & with God, I'm looking for Christian opinions on how to do what is healthy & best in my home at this time. I know the Bible mentions the importance of separating from your parents once you marry. A marriage Bible study I was in once focused on how letting your parents/in-laws become too involved in your family dynamics is unhealthy, and that's the feeling I have. Again, maybe because I'm new I misunderstood what to expect on this forum, or maybe my question wasn't clear. It just seems the topic has turned far from what I needed help with. I may just try & speak with my pastor. I appreciate the help that some of you gave though, thank you.
     
  20. That would be the best thing for now MommaB. Jesus can sort all this out for you. I will be praying for you sister.
     
    Where is the Messiah likes this.

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