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Is It Too Late? Need Advice Please.

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Victoriaw87, Jun 18, 2012.

  1. I was in a 3 yr relationship in which we were engaged and to be married. However I never felt ready to be married due to deppression/severe anxiety and so it was called off. We did remain together after I convinced him I would work on myself and we'de try it again. Things didn't go exactly as we had hoped. We broke up. For the next 8 months we remained very close friends talking everyday seeing each other a few times a week we both still loved each other. Occasionally we were intimate. Now last week he told me he was seeing someone new, and he kinda liked her. It broke my heart instantly I told him now I want to be with you. He denied anything I had to say. He said he needed space and didn't know what was going to happen in the future. It's been a week now an he sat with her in church this Sunday and kissed her as he left. My heart is sooo broken it hurt so much. I wrote him a letter telling him how I really feel: that I love him and want to be with him forever. He accepted the letter and told me he would read it .... Now I wait.... I'm so afraid he's finally let me go.
  2. It doesn't sound like either one of you is ready to be in a committed, Godly relationship with each other. Further, it doesn't sound like either of you is good for the other. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there it is. You are pursuing relationship the world's way, and I think it is actually a mercy that you two have broken up, even though it causes you pain, rather than that you continue to go down the path of idolatry and lust. Lust not only in the sexual sense, but in the general sense of fleshly desire.

    The truth is, both of you have a lot of growing to do before you are ready to tackle the demands of a committed relationship and marriage. The good news is that it is possible to experience this growth and there is hope for the future.

    I could go on and pile on the advice, but I'm going to hold off on that. I want to do two things first. First, I need to pray for God's wisdom and insight. Second, I want to get to know you better since this point in your life is a culmination of a lifetime of experiences and influences. Nothing is going to be solved overnight, so we might as well settle in and get comfortable. To start, I would like to know more about the depression/anxiety you mentioned. Could you tell me more about that, please?

    I have to go to work soon, but before I go, I want you to know that God knows the distress of your heart, and He knows how to lead you on the path that leads to Joy.
    Lifeasweknowit likes this.
  3. We realized that the physical part of our relationship was not pleasing to God and we agreed to go about things the way he wanted so we had overcome the lust barrier.
    As for my anxiety/depression I seen a counselor and he concluded that the reason I was so anxious and afraid of marriage was because I grew up in a broken home my father was abusive and my mother left him when I was 4. Most of my aunts and uncles also had broken or unhappy marriages. There was so much negativity about it all around me i was being closed and couldn't see the good. We thought we were perfect for each other but after we didn't go through with the wedding we decided it was time to have God be the foundation for our relationship we would meet with our pastor on a weekly basis and things were going very well. We had given up that's physical relationship and began to build our relationship based on God. However I don't think I put my heart and soul into it and he did and so he broke up with me. In the next six months my grandfather, uncle and father passed away. I was numb and I began to lean on God I trusted him with everything I depended on him. I have grown so much in the Lord and I have sought help for my anxiety and depression I'd say I have pretty good control over it now. And I finally am ready to be 100% committed to this relationship and I wanna go about it in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. We've been through a lot and I truly believe we are meant to be together. God has guided me to this point in my life and I have never been so certain about something.
  4. My heart breaks for you. Your pain is real to me as I have first-hand experience (23 years ago!) with this sort of situation.

    First, three things:

    1. Never forget that the Lord always, always, always has your best in mind...and his (your ex) too. If he has really moved on, let him.

    2. What you are missing is in the past. You cannot go back to the past. It is gone. The future is what the Lord has in store for you.

    3. Don't let this become a distraction from your FIRST LOVE which is Christ Jesus.

    (I speak from very personal experience. My first love and I dated for 3 years and were promised to be married. I had decided that since he was my first real boyfriend I was surely missing out on the dating scene so I pushed him aside to serve my own needs and desires. A few months later, I heard he and my best friend were to be married and realizing this, I begged him for another chance. It was too late. We could not go back. He was going to ask her to marry him. BUT, praise God, that's not the end of the story! He married her, I was in their wedding, and they are still married today with 3 beautiful children. I really, really, really wouldn't want it any other way for him. Because, what I know now that I refused to see then was this: The Lord really does have my best in mind, no matter the circumstance. He wouldn't let me go back to what I wanted because it wasn't what was best for me. I won't say it wasn't a very painful experience. But since then, the Lord has granted me opportunities in the past 23 years to share this story - and my pain has long since subsided.)

    I hope you can find solace in knowing that your Heavenly Father is holding you in the deep crevasses of His hand. He holds every tear you've shed and will stop at nothing to reach your heart of hearts. Rest in His loving hand and wait for His guidance. He is not slow to answer; His timing is perfect - only our eyes can't see this perfection.

    Maybe, just maybe, He wants your focus to be on Him right now. He knows what's down the road for you and perhaps He wants more time with you to prepare for it. Consider this: He's preparing your heart and mind for the husband He has in mind for you. As much as we want to "make up our minds" and to "name it and claim it" - be sure your focus is only on Him, not on your desire(s). A woman in love with her Lord is a beautiful woman to behold!!

    One last thing: the devil uses distraction as much as any other tool at his disposal...he will do anything to get your focus off of Jesus and the plans He has for you. Count on it.

    Much love in Christ to you. I will keep you in my prayers!
    Lifeasweknowit and Rumely say Amen and like this.
  5. Thank you, Victoria, for sharing further. It does help to round out the picture. CBG's post is a good one to chew on for a while. In the same vein, I would add that familiar verse in Romans 8:28. "For we know that causes all things to work together for good those that love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." These words were spoken by Paul in the context of pain and loss and suffering. Paul and many of his fellow Christians suffered persecution, even to death, in addition to all the normal bumps and bruises of living in a fallen world. You can trust that the God who saw Paul through to the end is working in your life and circumstances to bring good things to you and through you.
    Lifeasweknowit and covered_by_grace say Amen and like this.
  6. I agree that we need to focus on our spirituality. And I also realize that time apart may be a good thing. But I can't help but feel in my heart that we truly are meant to be. We've been throug alot we connect so well. Everyone including family and friends all agree. I do want to he patient and wait for Gods perfect timing. I also believe God intervened to show me what I really do want in life. A I have been praying about it for a long time. And with this separation I have finally come to realize I love him so deeply and unconditionally. I just pray he realizes that. Thank you for your advice it's been wonderful having Christian opinions. I am however not ready to give up in this relationship as I do believe in my heart of hearts that it has amazing potential with God being the center of it.
  7. If the two of you are meant to be, don't forget that God probably needs to work in his life as well, and that will probably take some time. If you two are to have a healthy, Godly marriage, he's going to need to settle down and commit himself to you and to Godliness. Have the two of you ever had premarital counseling, or any other counseling regarding this situation? I would think that the leaders of your church would have an interest in this situation in their congregation.
    Lifeasweknowit likes this.
  8. I really do believe that to be true. He needs time and I believe I do too but being human I am inpatient. And also just to clarify he was always the one go was ready to commit and settle down it was me that was unsure. However I've been praying God show me what I do want and I asked him to make it very obvious to me as sometimes I feel I may be missing signs hes giving me. So when this happened I knew then and there I wanted to be with him and only him forever. Now I have to wait. I'm asking the Lord for patience everyday as his timing is perfect. An yes we were ready to start marriage counseling with our pastor just before everything fell apart. And should we get back together, and I pray we do, we most certainly would be doing counseling. Im keeping the faith because I know the Lord hears my prayers and won't forget about me. But during such heartache it's hard to be patient.
  9. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't easier in some ways in the days when marriages were arranged.:D But I suppose that system had its own problems.
  10. :) I wonder that also. I appreciated your feed back so much. So just an update we spoke yesterday because his phone had "pocket dialed" me although I'm not sure how that was possible as he hasn't called me in weeks. So we got to talking through txt I ask if he would let me know sometime when he's free so that we could talk. He said "k". So I'm holding on to that. I really am praying that God brings us back together. I miss and love him do much. If I asked for your 100% honest opinion would you say that it's a good thing I'm fighting for this relationship yo have another chance however I am asking God for guidance everyday. Just like hearing from you thanks again.
  11. I have to go to work soon, so I'll mull over a couple of thoughts tonight and come back to this tomorrow.
  12. Thank you I like hearing from people. I miss him sooo much and it's only been about 3 weeks I just want to know if I should just move on or fight for him.
  13. Personally, if both of you desire to honor God and do the right thing, I would say that the right thing would be for you two to get married (particularly in view of the fact that you have already been intimate, though that is not the only consideration) and to honor God and each other in all that you do as a couple. I would hope that your families and your church would gather around you and support you both in your commitment to a Godly marriage. There are so many obstacles and temptations out there these days that it isn't easy to walk a straight path.

    A lot depends on where this fellow's head is at. If I were the pastor of your church, I would want to sit down and have a long talk with him. If he is of the maturity and character to be a good and Godly husband, then it is certainly worth fighting for him. If he would be weak and drag you down, it would be better to move on. In either case, however, it is important to keep priorities straight. We are all weak in certain ways, and we form relationships based on our desire to fulfill our relational needs. But marriage is about more than trying to fill our needs. The whole point of our lives, including marriage, is to glorify God and serve Him. An unhealthy marriage hinders us from fulfilling God's purpose for our lives and our marriages. No husband or wife is capable of fulfilling all of their spouse's needs. Only God can do that, therefore He is first and foremost in each individual spouse's life and in their relationship to one another.

    I guess what I'm saying is, while I think that if this guy is of the right sort of character it is worth fighting for him, be careful not to let him, or your desire for him, get between you and God. It's a little like he's the moon to God's sun. If he stays in the right place, he reflects God's glory and lights up the dark places like a full moon. If he circles around and gets in front of the sun, he obscures the light and casts a dark shadow of his own.
  14. Hello Victoria,

    I have totally been in the same situation. My husband and I were set to be married and we had a date. I believed we both were living fully for God..and that because God wanted us together nothing would get in the way. I was wrong. My non-Christian family got in the way. He wanted to have a Christian wedding... I did too only I didn't know what that would entail. Meanwhile my parents didn't understand why the wedding wasn't going to serve alcohol and stuff. In the midst of the cloud of confusion and family quarrels I lost my way and the wedding became about what I wanted...and our relationship got lost. I canceled it because I knew thats what my parents wanted. Anyways long story short. My husband and I had a lot of growing to do. It took me two years of rebelling until I gave up and came back to the Lord and read my bible everyday. In this two year period I was still in contact with my spouse and still never gave up on the relationship. Even though he dated other people during that time I never gave up. I felt God calling me to go see if we could work this out so i left on a 3 day bus journey(because I lived in Canada and he lived in the USA) and once I saw him it was like nothing had changed. And two weeks later we eloped. My story is probably not the right way for things to be done. But it all worked out. God lead me.

    So basically what i'm saying is don't give up. And spend as much time with God as possible. Dig into his word and let him speak to you. If he is the one God has chosen then it will happen in God's time. Just be patient. You need to have God's foundation before stepping into marriage though. Psalm 37:4
  15. Your MSG was a true blessing Rainbowella. I have been asking Go to put hope back into my heart as he is seeing someone else. I have only heard people tell me to move on, forget about him, he no longer loves you, your obviously not meant to be etc etc.... Negative negative negative. But I have this passion and desire in my heart for him that I feel only God has put in my heart so strongly. Plus when I asked God to show me what I really wanted I asked him to make it more than obvious. So when he started dating her 3 weeks ago. I knew 100% I did not want to lose him. And now hearing your positive story I will continue to no give up on our love and with Gods help I believe I can achieve it. This experience has brought me so much closer to God. Thank you so much for your story. I pray the Lord blesses you :)
  16. Aww. I'm glad my story helped. To be honest at the time I really didn't understand why I was being put through that. But, looking back I needed to grow. And now that I see my story has helped relate to you... God is so good with his perfect plan. *hugs* I know the negative comments were the worst for me people didn't understand why I was still wearing my engagement ring. They wanted me to move on. I'm glad I didn't. Something my mother in law told me..which was very true to our situation was " If God creates something beautiful..like the engagement of the ones he has created to be together Satan will use everything and everyone to stop it. But God always wins in the end. No matter how hard Satan tries."

    Feel free to message me if you need encouragement or need to vent or anything.I'm praying for you *hugs*
  17. Thank you so much. And it is exactly as you described it. At times I feel hopeless like Ill never get another chance. Especially cuz he's seeing another girl that I was kinda friends with. And it's only been three weeks but in my mind that means he's moved on he's over me maybe I should too but my emotions are all over the place and I'm not exactly thinking logically. Everyone keeps telling me maybe he's trying to give me a taste of my own medicine because for so long I left him hanging not giving him a straight answer whether or not I wanted to be with him. And I know it hurt him deeply. But I keep praying that he comes back. It helps that I know she may be going to Hawaii for mission work in sept for 6 months or more so im hoping they won't get too serious. He's asked me to give him space and I must admit I have been msging him almost every other day telling him how I feel... Not sure thats a good thing cuz he never responds. But thanks again for giving me hope because like I said everyone else tells me oh you've had your chance he's moved on now you need to do the same. I just can't do that I love him too much to let him go.
  18. you two needs alot of work on your spirituality ...the guy should fight for that love too not just you :confused:

    praying for you two... :rolleyes:
    Lifeasweknowit likes this.
  19. Hi victoria I am new to the Christian forum and I just read your post about waiting for somebody. I am in the EXACT situation you were in, and I want to know how it ended up. I have been uncertain in my relationship for four years, that's just where God had me. God has changed my heart UPSIDE DOWN, and now he says he needs time to think. I dont know if he's seeing anybody, i dont believe he is. But that doesn't take the pain and confusion away - especially because i know that only God could have broken my heart wide open for him. Please inform me, and give me any suggestions while I'm in waiting. Thank you.
  20. This an old thread, maria elena, so not sure if she will answer. She has been inactive since August last year....
  21. Hi maria elena, after my "soul mate" (New Age terminology, I'm now born again) left me (and I understand the pain) I remained single for many years, then one day as I was rereading in Genesis, "God said, it's not good for man to be alone," I asked God to bring my Eve into my life and He did, moved me 1/3 of the way around the world to find her, find out she had been praying for years (actually she started praying before I was born again) for an American husband....., however, I will offer to you the advice my pastor gave me, "Godliness with contentment is great gain, let it go, if it's meant to be then God will do it," ...I know it's tough to let go, but the peace and joy I experienced during my years of waiting, I often wonder if it wouldn't of been better to remain single, like Paul hinted at in 1 Cor 7, but God had a plan for me/us.

    God arranged all of the details, even sending me to the island where she lived which was different from the one where I lived, sitting in church that Sunday morning, she was the last to walk in, Father spoke to my heart and, "she's the one I have chosen for you," to make certain I had heard correctly I asked for confirmation from the Word, He gave me Pro 18:22, in a decision as important as this I asked for a second confirmation, several Sundays later a sister in their church came to me and said she a had a verse the Lord told her to give me, yup, ...Pro 18:22.

    I hope you can see from how the Lord worked in my life He is concerned about who you marry, I'm not special, He doesn't love me any more than He loves you, so just relax and spend time with Him, He will work out the details.

    Rusty likes this.

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