Is It Normal For Parents To Hold A Grudge Against Their Children?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by 福井舞, May 11, 2014.

  1. I mean not speaking to them for things they are not happy with.

    I heard the saying before " a mother always forgives" and I have seen parents who will always approach their children and attempt at reconciliation regardless of who instigated the breach.

    but I am not quite sure whether that is always realistic to expect?

    for those of you who answers this thread, I am open to any kind of answers, but I would appreciated it if you can answer my question above directly first

    thank you
  2. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.
  3. I don't know what normal mothers do, but from my experience it's an unrealistic expectation.

    My mother even held my birth against me. She always said that she's been sick since then...
  4. My mom use to do the same. She would threaten me by saying "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"
    Ravindran likes this.
  5. My mother said that too. I think she's always hated me.
  6. your mother sounds cold, what is your relationship like with her now?
  7. Our mothers did the best they could. I was adopted @ birth and the rest of my bros and sister 5 in all. My mom was not perfect but she did the very best she knew how. My mom said crazy things to me too.......prolly my fault lol but in the end she was perfect. She knew what she knew and passed it on to me
  8. Unfortunately that isn't the case for everyone. :(
  9. She's not cold. It was actually more of a joke when she said this, as it's a quote from a tv show..

  10. Its normal and common to hold a grudge, but that doesn't mean it's healthy for the relationship. It always a good idea to resolve conflicts directly and not just let time heal it/forget about it, and move on.

    Forgiving something that happened in the relationship doesn't always mean things go back to normal. If your child asks to borrow the car for the weekend and he gets charged with drunk may forgive the bitterness of the situation but you'd be silly if he asked for the car again a month later and you gave it to him
  11. #11 Mercedes Benz E Class, May 12, 2014
    Last edited: May 12, 2014
    speaking from experience here,

    as I write, my mother and I have been at odds, only recently starting to "talk" or more appropriately email.

    the rift originated because I always felt she was angry at me. she would mock and disrespect me in front of
    people, always in front of people. how behind schedule I was, how I do things wrong, how others are doing
    better, how I shouldn't have done this done that. seeing her was always so stressful for me, but I was
    completely respectful (which is probably why she kept going on and on) not answering back

    for some reason since I turned 14 or 15 she wouldn't let things go. she just kept at it. I am 37 now and last
    year, my lid blew off. I lost it. we were at home, family - holiday. and there she was in front of the whole
    world again - why did you not do this blah blah blah.

    guys I don't know what happened the next thing I just saw myself scattering everything on the table, and
    pushing chairs out of the way. I let out the loudest scream and ran upstairs.

    she followed. and started scolding me about how I should relax blah blah blaah. I stood up and she became
    like a rag doll. and I shook her breasts and said is this not the body that gave me birth? EVERYTHING I ever
    had against her I told her on that day. her silence about the sexual abuse I had been through - she knew it.
    and how she treated people who were not her own blood better than me. how my sisters went to private
    schools and had their own bedroom and I went to the public schools the hostel.

    I screamed on the top of my voice. to this day she hasn't been able to face me. because she is sooooooo
    mad and disappointed at me.

    oh well, I love her, always will, she is mum. but keeping things inside only messes up relationships.
    I should have talked earlier.

    at the end of the day, she will be forced to face the truths she never wanted to face about me. I just wont
    pay for them any more. I have paid enough.

    and don't get me wrong, mum has done tremendously for me. really. I just felt like her love was so
    detached from her money.

    at least we are on communicating terms now - with time, we will talk, but it will be real and she would have learned how to respect me. and then the relationship can be properly restored.

    any serious or blood/family relationship without Trust, Love and Respect is just a slow mutual descent into dysfunction. to restore a relationship to the proper standard you must have trust, love and respect.

    family/blood relationships tend to survive all sorts. but if its a marriage, it better be built on those 3 foundations or else trying to restore it after destroying that foundation is a job no one can envy - but Jesus is Lord.
  12. No, it's most definately not normal and a sure sign of poor parenting. My children will not suffer this treatment. I was never treated this way by my parents either.

  13. That sounds really familiar. My mother insisted on keeping me home-schooled and said we didn't have the money for me to go to the private school I wanted, yet when my sister asked they all but moved mountains to get her there and they never complained.

    After defending my then fiance, my mother gave me an ultimatum. Stay with my fiance and be disowned or leave her. I told my parents to have a nice life and moved out the next week.

    It took a long time to get over the fact she said I was psychotic and violent, and how everyone in the house was afraid of me (which is no where near true). I endured over half an hour worth of insults with my mother saying I didn't have what it takes to make it in the real world. My sister cheered this on and my father, who I would imagine doesn't have a single ball, only managed to whisper that he didn't think I was crazy once before my mother ripped into him. He didn't say another word.

    It took a while, but I tried talking to her. She continued with her insults and passive aggressive stabs at me so I don't even bother with her anymore. It's been years and she still refused to talk in any civil manner to me.

    The relationship with my father is so strained that it's almost not even worth keeping, but I try anyway. He doesn't think bad of me, but he refuses to stand up against his wife regardless of what she's saying. As much as I love my wife, I would pull her aside and tell her to shut her mouth if she ever talked to our children that way.

    Anyway, I pretty much got forced out of my "loving" family over a argument about a freaking printer. My maternal grandmother won't have anything to do with me either. My paternal grandparents, who I barely even knew, took over all the family roles after than. I talk to my grandmother almost daily and my grandfather is like my father figure. I visit them often and they have taken better care of me for these six years than my parents ever did.

  14. Hey Hunting,
    Really familiar I see. I always think some traumatic think happened at one point along the time of your birth that your mother didn't say. I just cant explain why a mother would hate or compete with her kid, sowing words into your life of ruin and how you wont make it. But Jesus is Lord.
  15. My mother is narcissistic. It took me so long to understand that, but once I accepted it and looked up traits for narcissistic mothers it all made sense. She did everything she could to handicap me emotionally to not leave the house. She even wanted me and my wife to get married and live in the basement. It's odd how you don't realize how psychotic psychotic people are when you don't know anything else. I think back on it and realize how unhealthy my household was and it disgusts me. I really thought that we had a loving family. I never even realized that my mother was torturing me emotionally until after I left and looked back on it.

    Here's a fun fact about me. I have said many times on here that I suffer from fairly severe anxiety. After spending years analyzing myself I think I've come to the realization that this is because of my mothers punishments. She would write out a speech for me, with all the gory details of my mistakes, and make me recite it in front of the whole family. Sometimes she'd call my cousins and aunt and uncle over too since they lived so close. Even the neighbors once or twice. I think back on that, and wonder why my father didn't stop her. Why my aunt and uncle didn't say anything. Why the neighbors came when they knew what was going to happen. It's no wonder I am so anxious all the time. My mother made sure every mistake I made was as humiliating as she could make it.

    One time I said a cuss word. I was old enough to know better but I did it anyway because I felt really guilty over something. My mother wrote out the speech and made me recite cuss words in front of the whole family along with their definitions... Then I got spanked for the cuss words I said during the speech.
  16. Normal...probably. Normal doesn't always mean healthy or correct. There are a lot of people in this world who view everything through selfish lenses. We live in a world where everyone looks after their own interests first, and unfortunately parents are not always immune to that mentality. Sometimes for horrible reasons, but even when the motives are good, it can be a defense mechanism to shut someone out who has done something to hurt you.
  17. I think the most important thing is to Hunting is to prove them wrong with your success.

    I found that one of the best ways I was going to get freedom and liberation and "find myself" as a woman
    was via confronting the situation. For instance, I am not angry that I had a fight with my mum, I regret
    rather that I should have sooner "manned" up the guts to confront her respectfully - when I was even-tempered,
    to ask her why all this. Instead, I let it all pile up and then I literally exploded :( Even then I have to say I felt
    a certain type of freedom.

    See Hunting the thing is, a parent (and we will now learn and hopefully be better with our kids) but a parent
    per biblical model is meant to speak life and at one point to release blessings over a child's head. Either parents
    are important. For a woman, a mother must speak your femininity and release over you. blessing you like how
    Jacob did. I wanted my blessing so bad. But I just felt I was never gonna get it. Have to say though, she was
    easing up and becoming a better person. I could see her fighting for our relationship my mum. It seemed to
    come in treacles and drops but it was coming - but I was also growing in years, could I wait for the age of 60
    for my blessings to be bestowed upon me?

    I had to trust in the greater God. I love mum. She is human. And in my place and what I know my situation to be
    -she has done the best with what she knows how. So I don't hold it against her. And still do love and promise to
    love her always. Only thing is, I cant let you love me and fight me at the same time. That had to end. I pray and
    believe our relationship will be better off.

    The thing now for you is to open up your healing and make peace, find that peace in you. That only depends on God.
    Only then can you get the leverage to return to your family as "the better one".

    I know, that as you face your internal issues directly, fairly and squarely without running or hiding. Your dawn will
    break on you. And you will be that person that found love, that lives from love and NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT LOVE

    You are loved, you are special and you are purposed. Revolve, Revive and Restore yourself so you can Re-Kick Back
    and take back your land and your destiny.

    PeaceOut Bruv.

  18. PS.

    It was insightful for me to find out the reason why there was so much anger against me.
    I wont discuss it on here. But I fully understand mum because of that nugget of info.

    Only thing is, if I didn't accidentally find it, I would have never known why the commotion.

    And I would have thought I am the crazy one. Now I know I am not crazy. Or weird. It was
    just circumstance - and God will guard it.

    For you Hunting, I sometimes just off the top of my head think that all your mum, neighbours
    and dad - know something you don't. Do you suspect that ever. Otherwise why would they
    all congregate to humiliate you. Consentingly mistreat a child by humiliating him - making him
    read out and damage his self esteem? Its unhealthy. But Jesus is Lord.

    think about it.
  19. My mother claims to be incredibly sick with something she's never been diagnosed with. I think that's the main reason everyone let's her get away with everything, honestly. Also, her father was schizophrenic and the stuff she had to go through (lying to not upset him and watching him blow the heads off the family dogs with a shotgun ) I'm sure screwed her up.... I guess. The maternal side of my family is full of crazy people so she could have turned out crazy anyway.

    I'm not angry anymore. Honestly, it doesn't even hurt much anymore. The only time I get a sting of pain is when I see someone with a good relationship with their parents and I know I'll never have that. Feels really sucky.
  20. As a mother who has gone through hurts by my son which felt like they cut to the core cause I loved him..... FOR ME .... I knew I had to release the pain or the enemy would use it against me & my family & my LOVE WALK W/CHRIST. PRAISE GOD, I know enough of the Word now that I knew I had to take my thoughts captive & think on the things that are good report (Phil 4 for me that's the Word that doesn't return void)
    God tells me to pray for those who hurt me why? Cause it brings healing to me.........
    The Word tells me that the love walk is very important ... BUT MOST OF ALL .... I KNOW... how God loves draws me & I truly believe it will draw my child back if I can stay out of MY FLESH of pain... so I have to give it to God & take authority over my thoughts ON PURPOSE... sometimes every few mins if the pain is fresh.... & it slowly get longer & I grow in healing
    1 Corn 13
    4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
    5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
    6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
    7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

    2 Corn 8 Therefore, as ye abound in every thing, in faith, and utterance, and knowledge, and in all diligence, and in your love to us, see that ye abound in this grace also.
    God has forgiven me and has grace on me.... so for me I want to grow in love..... plus I don't want my prayers hindered & Matt 6 says
    14 For if you forgive people their trespasses [their [g]reckless and willful sins, [h]leaving them, letting them go, and [i]giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
    15 But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their [j]reckless and willful sins, [k]leaving them, letting them go, and [l]giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses.

    God never said the love walk is easy but I do believe it will be worth it......
    God does turn situations around if you faint not in well doing.... could be fast could be years .... but He does turn the hearts of Kings & our Kids are Kings & Priest & God is FAITHFUL TO THE WORD.... not our flesh but the spirit
    there is LIFE IN THE WORD..... & as a mom I understand the pain & the resurrection life of a family....

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