Im Stuck And I Dont Know What To Do :( Help

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by kristalish, May 23, 2012.


should i wait for him?

  1. yes. when you are 18 go for it

  2. no. listen to your dad

  1. well when i was 15 i met this guy from youth group and we were friends for a year. he is a great guy and wants to be a missionary like me. when i was 16 we talked on and off because my dad doesnt like the fact that he is mixed. he is half white and half black. we were going to prom together and my dad said it was okay but he said yes reluctantly. my dad read through some of my texts that said "i love you" to and from him. he got really mad and yelled at me saying i will never date a black guy. I find that really offencive because i think we are all created equal. my dad called the guy and told him that i would never talk to him again. then he blocked my phone where i cant communicate with him. im not even allowed back at the same youth group. i had to convey a message through another friend to explain what happened. we are both very sad since we havent talked since january. he says that he is going to wait for me until im 18 so that we can date. I know that i want to, but at the same time i dont want to disrespect my parents. i really do love him. not mushy gushy love but genuine love. weve never kissed or held hands or anything. we didnt feel like that was right to do until we were older. im so stuck and i dont know if i should go for it when im 18 or forget about it. please give me some advice.
  2. It is possible to respect your parents while going against their wishes. As a parent myself, I say that with some hesitation as it is not something to do lightly. For now, you are a minor living in your father's house so you have to live by his rules as long as the rules don't require you to do something contrary to your obedience to God. I disagree with your father on the race issue, but it is not unchristian to wait to date (or to not date at all). When you turn 18, you are legally an adult and can make adult decisions. However, that legal right does not mean you automatically have the wisdom to make the right decisions nor does it remove the potential complications and consequences of those decisions. One of those complications is that, at 18, very few people are independent from their parents. They often are still living in their parents' house, receiving financial and material support from them, etc. In my opinion, if you are still living in your parents' house and dependent upon your parents for support, you still have certain obligations to follow their rules. Even if you go off to college and are no longer living under their roof, they may be helping with tuition and books and other expenses. So what I'm saying is, even turning 18 doesn't mean you are free from all the things constraining you now.

    It might be enlightening for you to sit down with your father and have a calm discussion with him about why he objects to your dating a person of another race. Make it about understanding his viewpoint rather than opposing it. It doesn't mean you have to agree with him, but it does show respect that you would listen to what he has to say. It might even be enlightening for him to hear himself explain and justify his thoughts on the matter. If you do decide to date this boy at some point in the future (or another of a differing race), try to explain to your father that this is not about rebellion or opposing him, but about loving someone of good character and qualities you admire. And do try to make sure that the person you date is, in fact, a person of good character and admirable qualities.

    There are some other points I want to touch on, but I have to go to work in just a few minutes, so I'll have to get to them later.
  3. The race thing can be a very troublesome issue for some people. I married outside of my race (I'm 3/4 Caucasian, wife is Indian) and it took some time for some folks to adjust. I assume that you are 16 or 17, that being the case you have very little in the way of life experience to base your view of what love is to begin with. You will also find that as you mature your tastes in what you are looking for in a life partner will aslo change, sometimes dramatically so. The sad thing is that the young are often the most sure of how they feel about something, and have the least reason to be so sure.
    I would give this plenty of time and go out with as many as possible (groups are best) on a platonic basis to get a bit more understanding of couple
    dynamics and what you personally like or dislike in a person.

    Last but not least, pray long and hard on this issue, that God may give you insight.
  4. Glomung replied in one of your other threads with some good food for thought and I will support his point by saying that, at your ages (I'm assuming this guy is about the same age as you) you are going through a lot of growth and change as you transition into adulthood. Your perspectives on things will change considerably as you learn and grow and experience new things. Right now you are relatively young, and you have time. Use this time wisely to assimilate your learning and experiences into a mature perspective.
  5. the bible says to honor they mother and father. But your father also, has some predjuces against another. That is not biblical. I would begin to pray for your father, ask God to convict him and show him his true heart and how wrong it is. You should in the mean time honor your parents. Do not lie, hide, sneak. This will please God and He will pour out His blessings on you in due time Hon.
    You should find someone in your church you feel has the wisdom to help you with this. Perhaps this adult can go with you to your father and help with this matter as well.
    God Bless you.
  6. My mother is on my side when it comes to disagreeing with my fathers views. but at the same time she says that i still have to listen to him. i agree. its just hard. im not even allowed to go to my own youth group anymore because he is there. i have also been asked to walk in homecoming for the past two years and i was paired up with a hispanic and an african american. it was a huge struggle to even get him to agree with letting me walk with them for homecoming. my dad wants me to meet a great guy and i know that he cares for me but his idea of a great guy differs from my idea. I want my fathers blessings when i date anyone but here lately ive been thinking that when i turn 18 i may just have to get over it and do what i believe is right. i pray a lot about it. guys will come and go. i know that. and even if i never talk to this guy again i know it will be fine. im still young. but what really bothers me is my fathers heart towards it all. i just want support and approval in future relationships without judgment.
  7. Hi Kristal, when I was 15 like you, I had a friend named Jessica who was seeing a boy who was also bi-racial. Her parents were pretty upset about it and it caused alot problems for my friend. Pretty soon she was messing up in school, getting into trouble for skipping to be with him and a whole lot of other problems. One day, she got into an argument with her father because her father didn't approve of Jessica dating this boy. Her father yelled at her in a pretty harsh way and Jessica ran away from her house and came to mine. My parents allowed her to stay for 3 days till her father cooled down, but when she got back to her house, the relationship between her and her parents was very strained and not like it used to be.

    Anyway, her defiance and insisting on seeing this boy made life very difficult for her and she almost didn't graduate because of her grades. Her life was hard and I think that caused problems that could've been avoided. Now, my friend is 27 like myself and when she looks back at herself at your age, she feels that she should've just obeyed her parents and waited till she was older to date this boy. She didn't end up marrying this boy or anything, like many of the relationships that teens have, it ended when high school was over.

    What I'm trying to say to you, Kristal, is that I think you should listen to your parents. Right now, you are living under their roof and you can't do things if they disapprove. If this is genuine love, this love will last till you are 18 years old and an adult who can make her own decisions. If it isn't true love, well, then you'll know that too. There is no point in defying your father only to have your life become difficult. Being a young girl is hard enough without having a strained relationship with a parent at home. For now, the best thing you can do is obey your dad and when the time comes, you will decide if you want to be with this boy or not. True love doesn't go away with time, so for now, have fun with your friends, date other boys that are respectful of you, and keep up your grades. These years are the best years in your life and you deserve to have good fun and don't worry too much about love. Like I said, true love will stay if it is genuine. I hope this helps you.
  8. I understand that being rebelious would come to mind for many teens in this situation. I honestly have np intrest in it because i know that it would only cause my self problems. Im a straight a student and im part time senior and part time college student. I am very focused and I live a life where I respect my parents. I dont bring up this boys name in conversations because of the fact that I know it will cause arguments. At the same time, my father is starting to interfere with my friendships. He has taken away my youth group, he is monotoring everything (which is understandable) and allowing me to only talk to people of the same race (boys or girls). even if me and this guy had never liked eachother I would still want to be friends with him. We were such close friends and it feels awful having that torn away from you. In the past when I tried to talk to my dad and tried to discuss the issue in an understanding way, he said he would disown me... he said that I would be dead to him and so would my grandchildren. My father is not a bad guy by any means. I know that he wants the best for me but this subject brings out the worst in him. In the future I want approval. Im so brokenhearted.
  9. also I want to point out the fact that I will be 18 soon. My mom says well when youre 18 you can do what you want. But i struggle with the fact that the bible puts no age on adulthhood. It states plainly to honor your mother and father. My mother will always be my mother and my father will always be my father, no matter how old I get.
  10. Hi Kristal,

    I'm sorry that you're going through all of this, but like I said to you before, while you are living under your parents' roof, you have to obey them. As far as being an adult, part of being an adult is having the maturity to make good decisions. Yes, the Bible states that you must honor your parents. However, we have to remember that we are equal in the eyes of God. That means God loves people who are black, white, brown, or even they were purple! God made all kinds of people, different colors and from different lands. Kristal, while you are living with your parents, you must abide by their rules. When you eventually do live on your own, you must make the decision whether or not you want a friend who is of a different race or not. Base your decision to have a person as a friend upon their character and morals, not their race or color. Parents sometimes say things that they really don't mean deep down inside. When your father says that you'd be disowned and dead to him, he doesn't really mean it. He loves you and he wouldn't go to the extreme based on a friendship that you may have in the future. He is just being protective of you and he is so afraid for you that sometimes really crazy things are said in the heat of the moment. I hope this helps you. :)

  11. thanks for the does help. I know in my heart that everyone is equal that is why this is so hard.
    Johanna likes this.
  12. Honoring your parents doesn't mean doing what they want you to if what they want you to do is wrong. You honor your parents by living an upright life, even if it means rejecting some of their values. Again, I say this with all of the caveats of my first post and some of the other replies. At some point, you will make a decision whether or not to date and marry someone of a different race. Maybe you'll find a Godly man of your own race, and the issue will be moot. Maybe you'll find a Godly man of a different race and you'll have to deal with the issues that may arise from that. At some point you will want to be an active part of a Godly fellowship, and that Godly fellowship will likely include people of different races. It is more important that you are part of a Godly fellowship than that you respect your father's wishes that you not interact with people of other races. Your father stands, in that case, in the very risky position of opposing something that God is doing. Pursuing Godliness is far more important than respecting your father's prejudices. I speak as the father of an adult daughter, so I am not dealing in abstractions here, nor am I speaking carelessly, or even in disrespect of your father.

    As a dependent child, you have to make some concessions now. But that doesn't mean that you have to accede to your father's prejudices the rest of your life in the name of "honoring" him. Again, you honor him by doing what is good and Godly, even though he may not approve of some of those things. Your road ahead will involve some difficult decisions and will doubtless involve some painful situations. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for your father that he will reap the grief from the seeds sown in this season.
    Johanna likes this.
  13. I know that he does things out of good intention. he is very protective of me. He just knows from past friends and growing up in a school of mostly african americans that the people he was exposed to were not living a good life. but that goes for any race or any individual. there are good and bad poeple and you have to figure that out as you mature. Also, I want to be a missionary in Haiti with my grandparents after college and I have mentioned adopting from Haiti and he hasnt voiced his opinion about that issue but he is against me being a missionary. I know that it is out of fear of me getting hurt but I know that the Lord is calling me to do this and I dont want to disobey my heavenly Father. When im 18 i plan on moving out despite my parents wanting me to stay. I would like to move out and make my desicions without stepping on any toes in the process but i think it may be inevitable. I have prayed a lot but it is still so hard.
    Johanna likes this.
  14. Hi Kristal and Rumely,
    I agree with both of you. Let me first address Rumely, I do agree with the fact that honoring your parents means living an upright life and not just agreeing to things that are wrong. The father will definitely have to reap the seeds that he has sown and he isn't going to like what he is going to sow.
    Kristal, you have a calling to go to Haiti and make a difference in the world. That is a beautiful goal and I think you'd be great at it. Don't let anyone stop you and adoption is a wonderful thing too. You might want to wait a bit on the adoption till you have a little bit of world experience and you are able to support a baby, however, it is a great thing (I'm going to adopt myself soon). You are a good person and I wish you all the best. Like Rumely said, honor your parents by living an upright life, but don't forget that God made all people and he made them all different colors and cultures. God bless you.
  15. im definately going to wait on adoption. I have to get through college and med school and become stable and married before i would even consider making such a huge decision. It would also be something that I would have to discuss with my future husband (whoever that may be). My parents keep saying that im going to marry this guy that ive grown up with ( i beg to differ) haha but they say that because my parents started dating at 13! I have a long road ahead of me and I'm the kind of person that likes to see what happens but my parents think I have to have a plan for everything. I do have plans for things like college and jobs but when it comes to my future plans of how old ill be when im married or have children im just going to let that happen. Everything that my parents do, they do out of love. They dont want me to fall into a hard time. I respect my parents for caring so much and im very blessed to have parents that care so much about me and want to be a part of my life. I dont want to come off as a girl that hates her father because i love him to death! he is such a great guy but is just scared of letting his oldest little girl go. Im sure that things will be different for my other two little sister when they get to be my age. My parents really had the odds stacked against them when they had me. My mom was only 17 and my dad was 16 but they stayed together and got married and have struggled raising me at first but have now become great parents. No one would ever know that they had such a difficult time in the beginning. Thats why I say they do things out of love and protection. I hope that one day I will be as involved in my childs life as they are in mine.
  16. Hi Kristal, I can definitely understand how your parents must feel. I had young parents myself, my mom was 17 when she married my father and had me. My mother felt that she missed out on alot of things because she was so young when she became a wife and mother, so she wanted me to do all the things she never got to do like graduate college and have independence which is something she never really had. Sometimes it got to be too much to deal with and I felt like I was supposed to live out her dreams, not mine. I know that she loves me and she just wanted me to have a full life, something she never really had. It is always harder for the oldest (like me and you), the younger kids get a "broken in" version of the same parents, I think. They have an easier time with parents :)

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