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Im In Crossroad...i Need Advice Please :(

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by einel2013, Jul 22, 2013.


Should i continue my on & off relationship with my partner of 3.5yrs?

Poll closed Aug 21, 2013.
  1. No

    5 vote(s)
  2. Yes

    1 vote(s)
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Hi, i need your advise please. Im in a crossroad whether should i continue with my on & off relationship. Here's my story,im a christian since young, i grew up going to church regularly, i back-slided :( but i always come back to God whenever im down ..... i just got my divorce last month. I have 2 kids (1 boy - 17 y.o, 1 girl - 10 y.o.). Both of them are not staying with me. I entered a relationship eventhough im not yet legally divorced. (im guilty here)...He is 9yrs my junior, met him 4yrs ago. He's married with 1 child, he was separated when we decided to live-in together....Ashamed to admit, but i know its wrong for me to enter a relationship since im not legally divorced yet and he's not legally separated as well... my relationship with him has been very very tough for the past one & half year...on & off quarelling, arguing from time to time...thou promises are there to change whenever we patched up....but then...we end up arguing from time to time.

    for more than 1 yr that we lived together, ive caught him cheating on me via chat on line (2x). he asked for cyber sex..i was devasted. Forgave him few times but there's always misunderstanding between us. Trust is broken from time to time. And it seems both us didnt change from our past mistakes.

    he's a catholic, thou he go with me to church regularly. I have this thinking that this relationship is doomed. Thou we both love each other but we always cant work things out.

    he was the one who decided to call off our relationship 3 months ago, we are currently living separately, thou we still meet regularly for meal and we spend our weekends together. its like we are back to each other again. he asked me to live with him again and start all over...but i told him its not the right time yet..i want us to change first before we live again together or else...we will be back to square one...quarrel here and there..

    2 weeks ago...i caught him chatting with a friend via facebook...he invited her for dinner & asked her if she has someone to introduce to him...i was so devasted :(

    when i confronted him...he said he was just bored thats why he ask her for dinner and the only mistake that he did was he jokingly asked her to introduce someone to her...he said it was just a joke..

    i badly need your advice people of God....im in a crossroad now...i dont know if i should hold on to this relationship...

    we love each other so much...but it seems there's always something between us... i pinned my hope..my future with him....we planned a lot for our future...but then it always fail..

    i been praying so hard for God to lead me where He wants me to be...but it seems im always weak..and cant find answer...

    please i need your advice.
  2. The short answer is, end this relationship.
    The long answer is, end this relationship.

    Any God sponsored relationship will be filled with joy.
    Yours is not, it is filled with grief and strife...it is not of the Lord.
    You need to get your relationship right with the Lord Jesus Christ, then see where He leads you.
    Mr. Darby, einel2013 and JustPassingThru says Amen and like this.
  3. thanks calvin... i guess God has given me too many signs for me to let go of this relationship.. im just being too stubborn to head my own decisions... so here's what i get.. thank you so much.. your advice means a lot to me.. God bless you
  4. I consider myself an expert when it comes to being caught up in the flesh: having experience in my personal life and witnessing the train wrecks of those around me; I can say with all honesty that when we fall off the path of doing things God's way-it will ALWAYS be a disaster. No if, ands or buts about it.

    That being said: ALL relationships take WORK! We have forgotten how to work nowadays especially in our personal relationships. There is no such thing as the perfect 'Hollywood Romance': it is a myth. Even a 'good marriage' takes work. It takes the 'act' / 'will' to love someone unconditionally. Which means it is an effort-work! The how we enter into relationships usually determines the outcome. If you start a relationship ungodly and unbalanced 9 times out of 10 that is the same direction it will continue in.

    So where do you begin? You begin on working on the #1 relationship in your life (or what should be the #1 relationship in your life): the relationship between you and God/ Christ. Put Christ first, and that means getting all your personal life pieces straightened out as much as possible.

    Here's a formula for getting your relationship with Christ on the right track: Worship, pray, fast when necessary, READ the Bible, meditate on God's Word, fellowship with Bible believing Christians, seek good counsel and repeat.

    I can give you a whole bunch of verses on marriage and what it is supposed to look like-but until you get your relationship with Christ ironed out-it isn't going to do you a whole lot of good. If you are not attending a Bible believing Church weekly, you are sorely missing out. If you do not have Brothers and Sisters in Christ to fellowship with-you are missing the whole point of 'Church' including access to a Bible teaching Pastor.

    Step #1: Are you secure in your salvation; are you 'saved'? In other words, if you died today, do you know that you would go to heaven? If so, then we work on step #2: becoming a child of God through love-which includes obedience to His Word making you accountable and responsible as a child of God.

    Once you are heading towards Christ in the way He wants you to; He will begin to bless you in all areas of your life in HIS time. To include personal relationships.

    Salvation is free: all other blessings require obedience and sacrifice-work! But doing things God's way will far outweigh anything you can concoct on your own.
    einel2013 and JustPassingThru say Amen and like this.
  5. Marriage is usually much more difficult than the dating phase. If it isn't great now. . . bail.
    einel2013, JustPassingThru and Rusty says Amen and like this.
  6. I ask this question in all humility, but from reading what you have said I have to ask the question, "What relationship?"

    You have been given great advice above, so I will add my two cents, ...God said, "It's not good for man to be alone." So that means there is an Adam somewhere who is waiting for his Eve, beloved, follow the advice above, get your relationship right with the Lord and He will bring your Adam into your life when it's the right time.


    einel2013 likes this.
  7. dear bro_mike_v...thanks so much....all you said is right...i was blinded with my own desires and keeps on holding on to my own will...i should follow God's will and His will be done in my life...i appreciate & will heed your advice.. God Bless you
    Brother_Mike_V likes this.
  8. You are very welcome. Praying for you now.
  9. Relationships are so hard and leaving is sometimes even harder. Post like this are so hard to reply to because we don't know the ends and outs of what is going on.

    I have been guilty of being bored in a relationship and saying things to other girls like "we should hang out" and other dumb things I should have never said. Was I wrong? Yes? Was I going to cheat? No way...So it is very hard for me to judge here.

    Judging just strictly off history, on and off relationships never really work out. Also based on my own personal history, when it get's to the point of bordem, neither side of the relationship try's to work it out. They just start blaming the other person for what it wrong with the relationship. I would take time and truly ask your self first "is there truly a problem", then "am I part of the problem?", then "is there anything that we can do to resolve this if there is something wrong?" If you answer to the last part is no...then it is time to leave
  10. This is why the Bible-God, does not condone 'Boyfriend -Girlfriend' relationships. If you are going to enter into a relationship-it should be 'Whole-Hearted' till death do you part-in excitement and 'boredom'. Any 'half-hearted' relationship is not Godly.

    The example of this is the relationship between God and mankind-when you drift apart-all sorts of bad things happen. Thankfully-unlike humans-we have a God that forgives and accepts you back on repentance. We humans would rather have 'throw away' temporal relationships (hookin up so to speak) it appeals to our flesh nature and prideful selfishness.

    Thankfully, God chooses to remain faithful and permanent in unconditional love; even when we don't....

    Base your relationships on a Godly standard-not human.
  11. No offense, just a question, but what is to say a "boyfriend-Girlfriend" relationship cannot be whole hearted? Or maybe that is why you put the quotations around it?

    As I understand it, when the bible was written they did not have the same understanding as we do of what "marriage" is. There was no court house or record book, there was taking of the girls virginity.

    This may be a bad example but something I was just reading recently

    deuteronomy 21:13 And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife

    Scripture right after that says something about if you no longer desire her put her out regardless of her will. Granited this is old testament and I have not fully dug into what this scripture could mean yet but I am trying to fight my flesh everyday. I am just not sure if I agree with the frowning on the whole Boyfriend Girlfriend thing. I think without daiting we can find our self in a heap of trouble latter on down the road. I don't know if that is what you are getting at?
  12. The 'act of marriage' was a recognized agreement in a 'tribal' environment. Once the the man and woman 'consummated' the marriage (AKA: had sex-"went in together", "went into the tent"), once they came out of the tent (successfully) they were "married" or 'unionized'.

    So in God's eyes: "Technically" when you have two 'unwed' people having sex-that could very well be considered a marriage. When it is 'extramarital' that means said person already lost 'their virgin'. With God-it is not about man's law. Once the 'two become one flesh' and one person gets to "know" (ya'da) the other-they are married. If they are already married-it can be considered: polygamy, adultery or harlotry depending on the circumstance.

    So my friend-you may already be married to whom you lost your 'virgin' too. And if that relationship is not honored-you could be guilty of adultery. God intended-one man with one woman like Jesus said 'from the beginning'.

    Now when it comes to sexual sin-God will use our 'procreation' for His purposes in the long run. Earth was designed for us to be 'fruitful and multiple'. God commissioned man in the beginning and post deluge to fill the earth and have 'dominion' over it-being "Good Stewards".

    You can choose how you want your relationships to be and the potential outcome of your children. Do you want the next generation to be 'vessels of honor' or of 'dishonor'? We choose by following God's way or the world's. To follow God's way-we must learn it-and teach it to our children so they have the ability to make that same choice.

    "Courtship" on the other hand could be called dating. BUT courtship is 100% hands-off, lips-off, and any other body part off of each other until the 'wedding night'-consummation. It was an honor back in the day because it was hope-it was the promise of a new generation. Sadly we have fallen so far living under the mercy of God thinking that the next generation is an automatic 'given'. It's not.
  13. I respect your knowledge brother mike and I agree. I apologize for taking this thread off course. I have a few more questions to elaborate off of what you just said but I will save that for another time because I don't want to take away from the orginial poster here.
  14. Feel free to personal message me if you like.
    Tainted Scrolls likes this.
  15. When I got saved I was 8. I lived with my first girlfriend at 18. I cried when I heard christian radio during that time, I don't know why, but it made me cry, I was young. Then I was on a quest for woman after woman and in those times I would try to keep relationships with believers but felt guilty. I ended up living together again and again with different victims (haha). During those days I would awaken at night and something was asking me in my mind - what am I doing? Sexual sin is like no other the Bible says so. I know that unlike drug addiction or any other addiction, to break away from your situation is by far harder than the use of dope or coveting or anything else because, a drug addict can decide he is going to stop this and begin fellow shipping at the local church where he should be right away. The live in believer has to forsake his partner and everything they share in order to legally attend the local body of believers and that is very hard. I had to wait for stuff to blow up on its own (haha). I told a gf of two years that we needed to stop everything from holding hands to any affectionate behavior for six months, and to work on kindness and friendship and then make a decision on marriage. She thought I was trying to cheat on her and left me for a brutha after a week lol. I can laugh now but cried then. If you belong to God, He will convict you like He did to me and your relationship will fail of itself. Change your thinking to - I want to love a husband instead of I want someone to love me. If you do this, you will create the kind of self esteem that can be a blessing for any Christian man to have in you. Good luck, I vote break off now and serve The Lord.
    Brother_Mike_V likes this.
  16. Yes-it is very much about turning away from our human thinking and rationalizing our actions. Though I still struggle, when I came to the realization that I was idolizing the female anatomy- I knew I had to forcibly ('with all malice') change the way I thought about women and relationships. Harder than quitting smoking and drugs-I can testify to that.

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