I Think I Am Being Abused/mistreated By My Devout Christian Bf :(

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by DawnGodsChild, Mar 13, 2013.

  1. I am happy there is a thread like this I can post on, because I need advice from a Christian perspective. From people who know God's word.

    I am now at a crossroads in my relationship. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years. We are from 2 different cultures. I'm from the West. He's African. From the beginning he was different, but I gave him a chance because he was serious about God. However, from early on, he started trying to weaken me. Shake me from my foundation. Saying things like, "oh, because you have a Master's Degree, you think you know more than me? I know more about life than you do!" This would happen any time, I'd try to say my opinion or perspective and he'd disagree. I'm not perfect. I have made mistakes. I don't always have my story straight and I forget details. And because of the pressure he puts me under, I hide details, because i am afraid of how he may react. i can also be absent-minded. But I never have the intention to hurt him or anyone else. He also interrogates me a lot, so that makes me forget even more...cause I feel scared.

    Over time, it has just gotten worse. If I don't do or follow what he says, or say, "but" after him asking a question, or yell (which I don't often, only when I feel offended and I need to defend myself), He will say, "Are you arguing with me?! I don't need a woman to argue with me!! I'd rather have a woman who is mute and stupid and doesn't say anything than someone who will argue with me!!" He will quote Bible scriptures and say that a woman must be submissive. He is the authority over the woman. And he'll always try to speak in parables. He will tell me at times, that he will find a woman better than me. He feels I don't know as much as he does about the Bible. So he knows once he says something Biblical, I can't and shouldn't disagree. He stands talks over me and yells and it's actually scary.

    Recently, we were arguing when he told me that I was wasting my time in this country and that I don't love my parents! When I always cry to him all the time how much I miss my parents and not one day goes by that I don't pray for them and worry about them. And that I am over here trying to get experience to get the job that I want. Ive studied and worked here, volunteered, and got involved in and joined the church. I yelled; I was offended of course! After the argument, a girl called him at 2 am in the morning and he was talking all nice and flirty to her, while he ignored me and told me to get away from him. He was planning to go and sleep with her until I convinced him not to. Not for my sake, but so that he doesn't drift back into his old life of being a bad boy.

    And I am the chief editor of a religious book that was published, and I am one of the distributors. He got mad at me, and didn't want me to do it. And when I accepted anyway, he called me a stupid foolish woman. He'll always try to find fault in me. Even if we had a wonderful day and everything is fine, one thing will set him off and he'll be ready to break up with me. He has threatened to countless times. He is never accountable for his own actions. It's always my fault. Small things make him angry. So, I'm always walking on egg shells. He'll slam doors, hang up the phone on me. But If i do it, he gets upset. And forgets what he has done. He lives by double standards. I have tried to be there for him, when no one else was. When he got in a fight, I took him to the hospital. When he was sick, I went to the hospital with him and translated. I helped him find a manager. I took him out to buy groceries where the village he is playing in were against him, so that he wouldn't have to go out. We have prayed together even. But it doesn't make a difference.

    Now, he doesn't want us to talk about each other's days because he says I argue with him and dont do what he says. He says he has enough going on. So all we do is say, "Hi, how are you. Take care, and Bye.) This has been happening in the last couple of weeks. He says it is happening at the right time. And I shouldn't worry about it. He still thinks I am his gf, and that he loves me. But what is this love? For now he is nice...and the next moment he is mean and abusive. He'll listen to Christian music and pray and fast, but his behavior doesn't change. He will say, I will control you. He has serious anger management issues. He already knocked a guy's tooth out cause of a stupid issue (the guy pushed him first, though). He has been abusive in the past, and has cheated on every gf he has ever had, except for me (so he says). In church and in public, he is this nice guy who everyone sees as Godly. But with me and his team mates (He's a pro athlete) he is someone different. I realize he has come from a bad upbringing, but I feel increasingly down and depressed and I'm always second guessing myself. I don't know whether to stay or to go, if it is my fault or his. I have prayed, but I am not positive what step to take. Should I be more submissive? What do you all think?

    Thanks and blessings to you all!
  2. Well Dawn, Do you understand what God's Word says about the sanctity of marriage and why premarital relationships are ALWAYS a bad idea?

    Are you secure in your Salvation-The Gospel of Jesus Christ?

    I am no expert-but I can tell you from experience with multiple failed relationships-when we don't do things God's way, we are asking for trouble. The #1 relationship in our walk with Christ is Jesus Christ the Son of God. If that does not take precedence, then there is no fixing/ helping any other relationships you have in your life.

    ...God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them... And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

    Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. ...Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.

    For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

    For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.

    This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

    Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

    I am the way, the truth and the life.


    Jesus the Christ-Son of the Living God

    The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all.

    For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.But God commandeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

    With Love,

    Paul-Apostle to the Gentiles
    Lavell likes this.
  3. I don’t want to sound punitive and insensible but I don’t think there’s any other way to put this, if you and your BF are engaging in premarital intercourse you both are living in sin.

    Consider Corinthians 6;

    9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

    Your BF abusive nature is God’s judgment on you. God is telling you stop the relationship now, repent, and don’t do it again. Are you that callous about your soul that you would spend an eternity in hell for a few fleeting moments in this life?

    Make no mistake I’m no angel, I’m sinning right now as I write this because I should be working. My sin (thievery) equal to yours and punishable by hell just the same but I’m not trapped and can choose to stop (in about 2 minutes). You my friend are trapped in a condition of sin and you need to get out right NOW.
    Lavell likes this.
  4. I would recommend that you do not continue this relationship. He is certainly not ready for you. He does not have the qualities of a good and caring man. Why do you have to be submissive when you are not even married to him? :) Just get out of it while you can.
    Lavell likes this.
  5. We made the mistake before. But I stopped it. Because I knew it was sinful. I know God has forgiven me. As I am very devout and i try to do the right thing and i ask God to help me to live a righteous life. I don't think I am condemned to hell. I've seen people do much worse than me, and God saved them. So why can't he save me. You are all right, I need to get out now. And I have asked God that the next one He sends to me, will understand His word very well, and live it out the right way. This man who I am destined to be with will be sent from God. I don't know where he will be from or how I will meet him, but I hope he'll come soon. Please pray for me. But I think that if you are sinning and you stop and you ask God for forgiveness...why would you be condemned to hell, if you are saved. Jesus' blood saved us, has it not? Thank you.
  6. Salvation-once accepted-is never lost. I know there are 'doctrines' out there that say you can lose your salvation-I think you will find that that is a minority opinion. Even after salvation-we still sin-but we need to repent, confess, and ask for forgiveness in prayer. Hopefully-we don't keep repeating the same sin over and over.....:whistle:
    Lavell likes this.
  7. I have to agree with Jeff...
    Your not married to him, so his submissive theory doesn't make any sense.
    Sounds like he's taking a lot of scriptures out of context in order to control you.
    That's not good...

    I wouldn't walk away from him, I would run as fast as my feet could carry me.

    God Bless :)
    Rumely likes this.
  8. It is to Jesus your saviour that you need to be submissive and He does not want you in an abusive relationship.....that is not what He is about. You need to end this wrong relationship.
    Lavell likes this.
  9. Sometimes cultural differences create these sorts of situations. You'll both need to find different ways of communicating with each other if you are to be happy together. Only you can decide if it is worth the effort. My instincts say that you should look elsewhere for a partner if this is a recurring theme.

    If you plan to stay with him, resist getting angry or frustrated at all costs. He may listen to you if you take a reasonable tone, but he will not if you are obviously angry or if he thinks that you are just whining.
  10. Make no mistake, God only forgives if your repentance is sincere. You can't expect God to forgive you knowing your going right back to sin. That is abusing God's grace and He doesn't stand for it and there are limits to His grace. I would suggest you don't reach that limit.

    One of the hardest sayings in Scripture is Matthew 7 21 where the "MANY" say "LORD, LORD" and Jesus says "I never knew you". The "MANY" say "Didn't we do all these things in Your Name!", and Jesus says "Away from me you evil doers and workers of iniquity!".

    Notice the "MANY" regard Jesus as their Lord and the "MANY" did works in the name of The Lord. These "MANY" are christians (lower 'c' intended) who thought they were Christians.

    So "MANY" christians (lower 'c' intended) will be in for the surprise of their lives on that day when standing before The Lord.

    If it's salvation you truly seek and not another man, than you must be sincere about your repentance, get out of that relationship now, pick up your Bible and pray, and focus on God's first commandment in loving Him perfectly. No man on this earth is going to save you from you sin.
  11. Being more submissive is the wrong answer in an abusive relationship. It also buys right into the abuser's lie that everything is your fault. If you would only do or say the right things, the abuser wouldn't become angry, wouldn't yell or hit, wouldn't be "forced" to teach you a lesson by cheating on you. This man is not simply a misguided soul who has some things to learn. He is an abuser, plain and simple. Get as far away from him as you can. He is not your husband, so he does not have authority over you, and even if he was your husband, he would be sinning in abusing his headship. He is not loving you, or any other woman, as Christ loved the Church, and He is not giving his life for you. He is living for his own pleasure, no matter what kind of religious tinsel he tries to hang on it.

    Also, there is nothing you can do to "fix" him. You don't have the resources to do that kind of battle. You can certainly pray for him, but do so away from him; both physically and emotionally away from him. You will have enough to do to be built up yourself emotionally and spiritually so that you won't find yourself in this kind of situation again. I'm being a bit blunt here, but I'm trying to make sure to cut through the fog of conflicting emotions and doubt. God's plan for romance and marriage is way better than this.
    DawnGodsChild, RyanUnderGod, Lavell and 1 other person say Amen and like this.

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