I need advice about my non-christian bf!

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Leslie435, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. I recently found God and i am soo utterly torn. This boy is so smitten with me that he accepts me totally and completely and he was not dettered at all when i told him that i wouldnt have sex until marriage but i feel like there is no room in my heart for him right now. But he treats me so well and is such a nice boy that i feel that guys like him dont come around that often.
    My main focus is God and then my family and i dont know how to end it with him or if i should end it at all. I care about him but he sins openly and shows no willingness to change. He often offends me and my religion without even realizing it but apologizes sincerly if he does. He is so sweet and thoughtful and he hasnt done enything wrong to warrant a break up but i have changed and i fear he doesnt understand.
  2. Hello. Firstly congratualtions on finding God :). I assume you are now a born-again Christian?

    As a child of God you will be COMPLETELY UNEVENLY yoked with someone who is not.
    It is not even a case of identifying the things you disagree on, you are different from the core now.

    The ONLY time you HAVE to stick it out according to the bible is if you are married. But even then God mostly removes them if they don't get converted and the odds of adultery occuring, allowing you to leave with a clear conscience are high.

    If you are recently converted you are in a honeymoon phase with God. Just like a babies first steps are the most important, likewise it is VERY IMPORTANT for you to get a solid foundation in Christ. Having an unGodly boyfriend WILL be like a weed choking a small flower.

    However, having said that, I would NOT throw your boyfriend out in the cold so quickly.
    If you have not been intimate with him, RUN. If you have, judge him harshly and nervously wait on him to see if he, just like you, can have a 'true / complete' rebirth in Christ. Even without the heightened conviction of The Holy Spirit on our conscience, mankind has a conscience and knowledge of God, hence your boyfriend can for now be judged on his obedience to his conscience.

    The theory is that a 'God' fearing person will be more inclined to accept Jesus then an unGodly person.
    Judge your boyfriend harshly. Look at his past, look at the level of evil of his actions. Take him to church, see if he bites. If he doesn’t pass the HARSH judgements of being a Godly person or one desiring to COMPLETELY change to please Jesus, pray that God break the soul ties and heal both of you. Explain NICELY to him that you are not better then him, but that your desires are to please and SUBMIT to Jesus, not yourself as they were before.

    You are lucky to not be married!! Keep us informed!
  3. As someone in a mixed faith marriage (my wife is an atheist, we were both atheists when we met), let me tell you its a long, hard road. Its like waking up one day realizing a loved one has a fatal disease, and you have the cure, but you can't seem to get them to accept it.

    I would say first, and sorry to disagree with someone in only my second post here, don't be harsh or judgmental. Its the biggest thing that turns people off to Christ me thinks. Imitate Christ and show your genuine concern for your boy's wellbeing, spiritual and otherwise. Pray for him earnestly, and let the Spirit do the work. Think, in everything you do, of what would be the best course to lead this boy to the Lord. In the end, that's what we want, to help bring others to the gift of salvation, not to beat them over the head with it.

    Anyhow, like King said, if at any point being around him causes you to slip, or think about slipping, back into a life apart from God then its probably a good idea to cut things off. You aren't married, and frankly being married to someone who doesn't share your faith is a road I'd strongly advise avoiding if at all possible. On the other side, if through prayer and compassion he can come to see and know Christ through you, that's amazing. But I'd say be careful of expecting anything, and be open and humble in following where God leads you.
    Christine likes this.
  4. Sorry to hear this. My dad became atheist. My mom goes through hell.

    I can agree that Christians MUST NOT judge the unsaved. But the bible says Christians MUST NOT marry the unsaved. Christians CAN judge Christians. Just like a muslim can be judged against the teachings of Islam to see if he is in fact a true muslim. Hence the potential partner MUST be harshly judged. A marriage MUST NOT be entered into with blinkers. We must not 'date' someone as Christians that we cannot see ourselves marrying. It is the fact that she is dating the person that harsh judgement is required.

    What we DON'T want is to be stuck with an unsaved person, trying to lead them to the Lord our entire life.

    And, you dont even need to date / marry for this.
  5. I think that would be worse honestly. I can't really blame anyone but myself, but in a very roundabout way my wife is the catalyst by which I returned to faith in Christ, odd as that may seem. So I'm pretty sure its only a matter of time before she comes around. Its still a challenge, but what can ya do I suppose.

    I can agree with pretty much everything you said. Maybe I read the original post wrong, but I took it as judge him as a sinner, and I was a little wary. But certainly when considering him as a spouse, it would be wise to weigh the entire situation through Christian eyes. And as you said, and as I can personally attest, it is far more beneficial and in fact correct for a believer to only marry another believer.

    Amen. Especially if the situation can be avoided from the onset.

    Frankly, it would probably be more effective to not be dating/married to him to see him come to Christ, imho. Certainly if he does come to the Lord, the relationship can then be built on a much more stable foundation.
    KingJ likes this.
  6. The purpose of courting, is searching for a spouse. If there is any other purpose, then there should be no courtship. I'm personally opposed to dating, but I realize that it's part of our society and people just don't think much past it. Dating often seems to have no real purpose at all beyond experimenting with intimacy. The thing is, that's why so many get hurt. A successful courtship doesn't always end in marriage, but with the couple realizing that they either are or aren't compatible for a lifetime of marriage and not giving up too much of themselves before the wedding. A successful date seems to only be able to end with the couple getting married before they have a baby out of wedlock.

    I would only suggest that you consider carefully the direction you want to go with your life before proceeding. It takes a lot of willpower to do things right, and it can hurt for a while. It takes even more willpower when we do things wrong and then try to fix them, and sometimes those scars never heal.
  7. Thank you all so much for your advice!! I do feel that God has changed me and now I am less invested in my relationship with him and he realizes this, but he doesn't understand the change that has occurred in me. He thinks i don't care about him anymore and that's not the case at all, i just care about God so much more. The fact that he doesn't understand me anymore is whats really pushing me to end it.

    I mean would love to lead him to Christ and to open his eyes to the glory of God but in all honestly i doubt he ever will. He knows I'm a virgin and that i have made a vow of chastity yet i feel somehow pressured by him to have sex even though he doesn't go right out and say it.... it's like all the girls he has ever been with were easy so he expects me to be and when he jokes about us having sex he gets upset when i don't laugh or humor the idea of us fornicating. And honestly i used to laugh at his sex jokes and humor the idea by saying "maybe one day.." but since i found God i wont even joke about it because ,to me, it is no longer funny or something that should be taken lightly. I think i will just end it because i will not force him to find God but i know in my heart that he is a sinner, he even admits to doing terrible things with no remorse and no prospect of changing. He even once told me that we are all going to hell anyway so what was the point, and the was NOT ok.

    I don't know what God has in store for me but i am still young and i am hopeful that i will one day find someone who loves God just as i do and through that love that we share hopefully a love of our own may blossom.
    I thank you all for your advice and i pray you all have a blessed day!
  8. Rest assured, God will definately! send you the right person when the time is right. If He guides us and pre-plans every step of the righteous, how important do you think it is to Him that you marry someone He sends to you?

    It is nice to hear that you stood your ground! :)
  9. I'm going to put in my two cents worth here, though I know many people disagree with it. King J has already pointed out, and you have seen it for yourself, that being a Christian creates a fundamental incompatibility in a romantic relationship. I know that everybody seems to know of a case where the new Christian led their boyfriend or girlfriend to Christ and they all lived happily ever after. On the other hand, I have seen many, many threads about the damage that came about because a new Christian was dragged down, led astray, ended up in a miserable marriage (or other relational arrangement), or otherwise hindered in their living for God because they could not let go of their romantic attachment and grow in God. I think the fatal flaw in this reasoning is thinking that God couldn't possibly have another way to lead the BF or GF to faith except through the current romantic relationship, that His resources are so limited that He doesn't have any other people or circumstances to bring that person to faith. I believe that we can have confidence in God that He is well able to bring someone to faith through people and circumstances outside of their current romantic attachment. And, if they are indeed meant for each other, He is perfectly capable of bringing them back together in His good time. If they are not meant for each other, He is well able to see that each of them finds someone who is right for them.

    For you, for now, the most important thing for you is to become well established and strong in your faith. This means not only learning more about God and His Word, but drawing near to Him and knowing His heart. A continuing romantic relationship with an unbeliever will almost certainly create interference in this process.

    For him, he may be patient and accepting now, but because he has a fundamentally different view on life, his patience will wear thin. The chafing of the differences will become irritating, then painful. If he is to be led to Christ, his motive for seeking Christ should not be confused and entangled with his desire for you. He really needs to see, in the very core of his being, his desperate need for Christ to gain righteousness and reconciliation with God. He needs to see that God is the beginning and end of all things and that all other things are ordered and oriented and prioritized from that point, including romantic relationships.

    Looking at your posts, I don't think I'm telling you anything you don't already know in your heart, so you can view this post as support and validation.:)

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