I Feel A Bit Foolish, Coming Here For Marriage Advice

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by TezriLi, Jun 3, 2014.

  1. I feel a bit foolish, coming here for marriage advice, but my husband (of 27 years) and I just had our first really angry verbal fight last night after seeing a religious-type movie he loved and I didn't. I had wanted to avoid seeing it, but yesterday, I decided I was not being fair and went with him. The movie itself was not the problem, so I really want to try to keep its name out of this discussion.

    Yes. my mind was already made up that I would not like the movie, so that was unfair to him. On the long ride home, he asked me what elements I didn't like, and I started naming them off. The things I named hurt him, because these were the very things that apparently meant a lot to him.

    Arriving home, we continued discussing it, until I was ready for bed. Only then did I realize how venomous the discussion had become. I put my hand up between him and me and told him firmly in a calm voice, "I don't want to argue with you. I don't want to argue with you." Turning my back to him, I went to bed.

    I was wrong, but I had no idea what to do. It had gotten ugly, and this was the first time that had ever happened in all the years we have been together . . . and believe me, we have been through some major STUFF because of our own actions as well as those of our four children from our two other marriages. We had always been calm, reasonable, and good to each other -- before.

    No, there was no swearing or yelling, we remained very civil, but we both knew that we had crossed the line. It shook both of us deeply, so we parted company. I didn't sleep well, and I am sure he didn't either.

    More later.
  2. 27 years and this is your first real fight?...very simple, if you want to repair this little issue? Honor him and the things in this movie that represent his faith.
    TezriLi likes this.
  3. Both of you should show equal respect for each other. If he liked it and you didn't then that's fine. No need in fighting over it.
    TezriLi likes this.
  4. Little secret about men? Men desire honor above other things. Woman desire to be loved? Thus God said, wives HONOR your husbands and husbands love your wife....God knows what we need and men NEED honor. We should see that this is a honest NEED that God expects us to fulfill for our spouse.
    KingJ, Where is the Messiah, TezriLi and 1 other person say Amen and like this.
  5. Men and women should honor and love each other.
    TezriLi likes this.
  6. I am married so little compared to you! So I am a novice.. But let me add my 2 cents.. I have had lot of such fights with my wife.. Many times on very simple things.. But the reason for that was always something else.. These simple occasions were merely used to vent out the frustration.. The root cause of the fight will be something else, mostly to do with ego.. Because I would not be willing to let it go or just accept something.. Will vent out myself in smaller things like this.. I suspect something like that happening here also.. Not sure though.. Just a gut feeling..
  7. Hi. You have piqued my curiosity. You've been married to him for 27 years (congratulations, by the way!!!), but you're just now finding out each others religious beliefs? Had the two of you never discussed such things in the past? Assuming you both attend the same church regularly, is one of you not satisfied with the doctrine?
    TezriLi likes this.
  8. I find that slightly odd too. Me and my wife have been married three years and we have religious disagreements pretty often. They are pretty heated sometimes.

    It's okay to disagree on religious topics. I know that it's something very personal to each person so it's understandable to get a little hurt when you realize your spouse doesn't hold the same view. Just tell him you respect his view and it'll pass, as all things do.
    SparkleEyes and TezriLi say Amen and like this.
  9. (I hope I am doing this right -- answering people by selecting the "reply" button.
    Not a lot of time to answer, however -- I don't want to be late for work.)

    We had both been married before: he for 18 years; me for 8. Our spouses, who both died, got the brunt of our learning how to be married. By the time we married, we learned a lot of the art of relationships, thus the first verbal fight with such anger.

    Thank you for your advice. :) When we talked last night, we went over the religious issues we didn't agree about in complete calm. and while we still don't agree, he promised to study these issues more. He will be retiring in a few months, and he's looking forward to using more time to study.
  10. Thank you for your advice, Asuk. We are working at showing complete respect for each other, especially when it comes to the religious issues the movie brought up. Really, taken as fiction, the movie was very sweet, but both the movie and its book demand to be believed by those who are Bible believers. I found it interesting that the movie made a little veiled threat toward those who don't believe it -- something like they really don't know our G-d if they don't believe the movie. :)
  11. My husband and I do both honor and love one another -- with gusto! :D :D :)
    Euphemia likes this.
  12. Thank you for your advice, Ravindran. Well, you could be right. His preparation for retirement has been both very difficult and multi-faceted. He asked me to retire, too, and I declined -- I am simply not yet ready. Further, I think he needs some "me" time without my sticking my nose into it. Also, we both know that there are some minor religious issues we disagree about, but we agree on the major stuff.

    No, we know one another's beliefs fairly well; it's just that we are learning what we believe in different places of worship and at different paces. As he reminded me yesterday, a time came when I, as best I could, rejected everything I thought I knew about the Bible and started over. He did almost the same thing about a year later, but retained some of his beliefs. Our immediate response was to work quickly through these things individually, discussing them, then this slowed down to things just coming up occasionally. However, I do work for his church and while I don't attend -- only work there -- I have a great relationship with his pastor (my boss) and with the people there. They are all great people.
    SparkleEyes likes this.
  13. Thank you -- have to get ready for work now, but this is likely answered above. Again, thank you!
  14. OK who is the legalist between you two?
    TezriLi likes this.
  15. Hello and welcome again. It seems many have commented to give you some advice, so I thought I'd answer on a slightly different slant by asking, would you like some answers on the 'religious questions', I'd be more than happy to answer.....?
    TezriLi likes this.
  16. Oh, that was good! :D We both are!
  17. We both came from the same church and both of us left in frustration. I was in it over 50 years when they excommunicated me after Father died (Father was a minister); I begged my husband not to leave because of my excommunication and started going to another place of worship.

    My husband was in that church for over just under 54 years, but his mother was his main Bible teacher, which was very fortunate. The church we were in had this attitude (and made it very clear verbally -- often): "We are right at all times in all areas and if you do not follow us, you will go to hell." His mother had clearly taught a different concept to her family even while attending there: "If it's not in the Bible, it has no importance, and doctrine cannot be made on it." So although we were in the same church, my husband and I understood differently.

    However, we both got the same teaching from that church from birth: leave us, and you will go to hell along with your children and all the other churches that do not agree with us.

    I write all this because my husband and I love to debate Scripture, and we never had gotten angry before. We would always do like: say, "I disagree,' then we would study the subject separately, and come back together with our answers in order to debate and study together. Sometimes, we would end up agreeing; sometimes we wouldn't, but it never caused is trouble like recently.
  18. Mat 10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

    Luke 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

    The Lord God is not some one who wants all of your attention for no reason. When God tell us to love him more than our families or spouse, and our own children the reason is because if we don't we will not be able to love these people like we are suppose to.
    All love, joy, peace, understanding, forgiveness streams forth from God himself to us when we are loving God foremost, and in our thoughts. These qualities flow into us from the Lord and then outward to our wife, husband, children and all. If there is a break down in our fellowship with God it shows up first in our families.
    TezriLi likes this.
  19. Hi Tezrili, I think it's absolutely great that you and your husband debate scripture and it's even more amazning that it's the first time you've fell out! God is obviously working on you both so I hope you pass along to you husband that God is touching your life right now and I have to say, if I might be so bold and please test all things, that God might be stirring you for a work in him? You are obviously well experienced and maybe your at a stage where God will be really speaking to you so I pray you pray and allow him some access.

    Being from Scotland, we've had 1800 years of the some of the most legalistic churches on the planet, along with some of the amazing assemblies I've encountered. My grandmother grew up in that legal environment where she and others did no work on the Sabbath and wore hats to church services along with the hundreds of others laws and regulations. Then, God poured out his spirit on their fishing village and she and hundreds of other like her, experienced the true grace and the love of God and they were never the same again. All the laws went and people were set free and found peace in Christ.

    That legal framework in your own mind and your husbands need to go, it has no place in the NT so I pray, for your next debate, you'll read Jesus saying IT IS FINISHED on the cross, Jesus said I have not come to destroy the law but to fulfill. What he meant was that by his life, that he would obey every command and precept of God in the OT every day, from his birth to his death, in thought word and deed so he could bring law to a close and grace in the NT. He said it si finished, in the original texts, it is perfectly perfect it's completly complete. he fulfilled the law on our behalf so God could usher in his new agreement in Grace. if I might suggest, read Romans 5 to 8, Paul demonstrates the change from the OT to the NT in perfect detail discreditting the legal teachers of the day.

    Those legal Christians have a knowledge but no the experience, to say we need to live by laws other than the love of Christ, is to say that Christ's work on the cross was not enough, that God's plan for salvation was not enough and that Christ's sacrifice was somehow inadequate, it was perfect for you and for me. Kick the laws out and seek God for the revelation of his true grace, not just knowledge but experience, you'll find the legal framework crush beneath the weight of his glory.

    I hope you don't mind the way I've posted this article as I've no real idea of your experience however I hope this helps...
  20. You've received some good advice and I'm glad you two have resolved the problem, ...here's my question,

    ...what have you two learned from this, what was the cause of the fight?

    May I suggest you both picked up some subliminal suggestions from the movie, Gibson's movie was loaded with them, was it Scripturally wrong, was there sexual scenes that would embarrass you with Jesus sitting next to you, was their violence, ...I have yet to see a "Christian" movie that came out of Hollywood that was anywhere near something I would invite my Lord to watch with me.

    Also, if truth were known I think hubby watched and realized you were right but like most men our pride gets in the way.



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