At first it seemed like a dream come true to be on campus w/ my cousin. not just any campus ..it's almost perfect like 99.9% perfect. Everything nice and interesting is close to the school, theaters,mall, restaurants,apartments close to the school. Yesterday I was extremely excited about it when my cousin showed me yesterday but that high went away when I realized ..... I can barely hear God's voice ..and i feel beingso far from home and my church will just worsen things for me. I feel like God and me willl drift further and further apart than we already are. To be honest i kinda feel like..the perfect school and dorm llife is like a set up.... to distract me and then God willl blame me for being distracted and whatnot. I just honestly feel God doesn't like me at all...it's like the closer I try to come to Him the more he pushes me away, so why pursue someone who wants nothing to do with you? ( Please save the"God loves you " He loves everyone...and died for everyone...even Judas,,,sooo,,yah I don't want to hear that at all now)
I just wish I was pass this phase I've been saved 3 years now 3!!! and it's hard for me to feel His presence hear his voice or even sense Him . I also feel like me being on dorm is His way of sweeping me under the rug...so He can focus on my brothers... I honestly feel if I had a great gift than maybe He'd talk to me more, I mean Im sorry im not a pastor , apostle, or miracle worker so you'll(God) lavish me w/ your attention.
I'm starting to regret being saved........ it's not because of troubles that he takes us through to test our faith...or troubles..that come w/ being a christian, like losing friends (I didn't have much to begin w/ so thatwouldn't matter much).but he never said " even though I won't leave you nor forsake you..you won't feel alone," or"I may hid myself from you..if I don't like you that much" and "depending on the typr of gifting you have it depends on how much of me you'll experience" or "I choose those i want to be close to me..so the rest of you ...just count your lucky stars you're even saved"
He truly shows mercy to anyone he chooses and that person is not me : /
Heres a paragraph from an article I really agree with
I hear ya about the phrase, "God loves you." I won't say that to you. Because I know that deep down, you believe it. I know you may not feel it now, but obviously there is something in you that's saying, "Please don't tell me that God loves me,
because I know that He does and I don't need to hear it."
When you get those feelings...when you think that God pushes you away or that He doesn't love....look to the Bible. The Bible is the Truth, correct? So, look up scriptures to back up your thoughts. "If God doesn't love me....where does it say in the Bible that says He doesn't love me?" or "He pushes me away, I feel that He pushes me away." Look up scriptures to back that up. If you don't find any that suggests those things, then it's not true! If your thoughts don't match up to the Word, then it is not true. For example) "God doesn't love me." What does the Bible say? Does the Bible match up with what you're feeling? Does that make sense? For example, God doesn't push you away. Honey, I know how you feel though. I've been there. I have cried out to God many times, "God, I'm putting ALL this time into You, but I don't feel you. I feel like You are keeping me at arms length!" I have felt despair and I have felt that my relationship with the Lord is ALL work and nothing is benefiting me. And you know why? Because I was making my relationship with God all about RELIGION.
God is all for you. He is not against you.
Being a Christian isn't always easy, huh? It's tough. Yes, it's SO great in the beginning. You're getting to know God, you're slowly falling in love with Him. And everything is PERFECT. And then, KABAM. Reality hits. You realize that life isn't always easy, and then you start drifting away from God. Through the easy time, it's GREAT being with God. But when life hits you in the face, you get mad at God.
Let me give you an example. My first couple of years in my relationship with God was WONDERFUL. I fell in love with my Savior, I got to know Him, life was wonderful. And then I go to Bible school. And slowly, I feel a difference in my relationship with God. I started slacking in my devotionals because I wasn't getting anything out of it, I stopped talking with God because I felt like He didn't want anything to do with me and didn't love me, I started going down hill.
And then God spoke to me. "You are no longer a baby Christian."
"What do You mean I'm not 'longer' a baby Christian?!" I asked.
"Katie, when you were a baby Christian, you needed milk, you couldn't handle the solid food (1 Cor 3:2). So things were wonderful, right? I was babying you. I was feeding you milk, instead of solid food because you couldn't handle it. Just like an infant, a mother feeds it and gives you band-aids when you fell down or got a shot. But, you have grown up. You're no longer a baby Christian, Katie, but a full adult in your relationship with me. Yes, I'm still here for you, I'm still healing you, I'm still your God, I still love you. But I'm no longer going to baby you. I'm going to let you experience more difficult things. You are going to see life differently and I'm not longer going to give you milk, but solid food. It's going to be tough and there are going to be in doubt. But I love you and I am still your God. Don't feel sad over this, but feel honored that I consider you an adult and I believe that you can do more things on your own. Don't stop involving me. I am intimately connected with you and I want to do so many things for you and I'm still your Father. Just our relationship will be different now, it'll be more mature."
You said in a later post you haven't made time for Him because you think He won't talk to you. You are exactly where Satan wants you to be: To give up. I'm sorry to be so blunt
But I was in the same situation this past year, where I wasn't making time for Him because I wasn't hearing Him as much as I once was. I'm just hoping to give you some encouragement, because no one really did it for me through that time! Until one day, He said, "You need to fight for me. You need to fight through your emotions. You need to make a choice for Me." It's gotten better, but it isn't perfect. It was a good year of me slacking, because I knew I wouldn't get anything from Him. And I was where Satan wanted me to be. He wanted me to give up on my relationship with God.
So I started hanging out with Him when I didn't want to. And man, did I make it clear to Him! I said, "I'm hanging out with You, but I don't want to." And what did He say to that? "Now, THATS the Katie I want! I want you to be REAL with me!"
I don't know what to say about the college thing. Yes, it would make it more difficult to hang out with God....But it's NOT impossible. It still can be done to hang out with Him, but it will be difficult.
Pancakes, this will pass. But I encourage you to FIGHT for Him, FIGHT through those emotions. Don't let your emotions make your decisions, don't let your emotions run your life! Because all emotions are temporary.