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I Don't Get It.

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Unconventional, Aug 17, 2007.

  1. I Don't Get It.

    "Find yourself first." That seems to be the attitude a lot of people have when it comes to relationships. When I talk to others, I hear that as the number one reason that people such as myself are single.

    I mean no disrespect to those particular people who think that way, but from what I understand of God, it doesn't seem to make sense.

    God will take me as I am, dirtied and sinful, but He won't allow me companionship because I'm dirtied and sinful? I have to clean my act up before He'll allow me a relationship?

    Yes, I am a sinner, just like everyone else. I have been told that I have to be content with who I am before I can be content with someone else, but in order to be content with myself, I will have to be sinless. This, of course, cannot happen while I reside on this side of Heaven.

    I struggle with depression, insomnia, and mild schizophrenia (all undiagnosed because one or two symptoms don't fit the clinical requirements). I also have hydrocephalus, which is a medical condition linked to a pattern of a lack of motivation in individuals with the problem. These are not excuses for my sins and attitudes, because Christ can overcome anything in my life. However, from what I understand, I must deal with these problems in order to find "the one."

    Others also tell me that I can't have any major sin in my life. What is a major sin? Does not one sin, regardless of what it is, cause the same condemnation as any other sin? Sin is "missing the mark," a term used by the Hebrews in archery to describe not hitting the bullseye. How far one is from the bullseye is irrelevant. True, I can see the benefit of dealing with one's habitual sins, but it seems that God will still bless those with sins in their life with "that special someone."

    I have been increasingly frustrated as I watch all of my friends gain significant others in the past six months. I have attempted to create friendships with women, without necessarily hoping or expecting that they might be something special. However, I am an honest individual, and if care arises in my heart toward them, I tell them that it is there, and for what reason(s). Every time I have done this, I have been shot down, insulted, and/or cast off as "having a crush."

    Loneliness is very difficult for someone like me to deal with, because a part of me believes that life isn't fulfilled until there is someone to share life with. I know that God should be the first one I run to, and sometimes He is. However, it is difficult when God is no longer on the earth in human form, and I can't feel His flesh and bone against my own in an embrace of comfort. I can't physically hear His words. He isn't tangible in the way I'd like Him to be, and instead He gives us a member of the opposite sex to fulfill those needs and comforts.

    My desire for a relationship is not sexual. I don't want someone simply for the sake of sex. That will only happen after I'm married. Yes, it would be nice to feel the sweet emotions associated with a kiss, or to hold a woman's body in my arms as she rests her head on my shoulder. However, what I wish more is for someone to love me romantically. Someone to love me not simply as a family member, friend, or fellow human being, but someone to look into my eyes and say "I love you." I want someone to be there for, to care for, and to talk with when either of us is dealing with our lives or our sin.

    I'm probably not ready to take care of a wife. I'm not ready to settle down, have kids, and start a family. I am very ready to have that person by my side and to know that love that I don't think has ever been reciprocated toward me.

    I've been told by my friends that my main problem is that I'm too honest. I don't like jerking people around, so when I care for someone, I tell them. When I am dealing with a sin in my life and need prayer, I have this nasty habit of being honest and asking for prayer. The conclusion I've arrived at based on my experiences is that people appreciate being told white lies and being deceived.

    "How's it going?"

    "Good."

    That's what people want to hear. Granted, I won't go off on a total stranger and relay my entire life story to them, but I will go to someone I trust and tell them what's bothering me. I guess some people just don't want to hear it (especially women I've only known for two or three months).

    It's very frustrating to have to deal with my roommates having their girlfriends over all the time, but I do appreciate having the friendship of their girlfriends, and their girls are nice people, so I don't want to rain on someone else's parade because of my own depression. I've taken this to God in prayer, but it seems He's stayed quiet on the issue, or given me female friends that later tell me I'm a horrible person with deep issues that needs to get his life together.

    To quote Austin Powers, "Tell me something I don't know."
     
  2. Well, in reality, you do have to find yourself first, but what does that mean to you?
    Yes, God does take us as we are but then he wants us to change for the best. That is what our friends want from us too; to be the best person we can be. Not a different person, just the best~
    Have you ever met a person and thought to yourself that they might look nicer if they dressed a little neater, or they would be alot nicer if they didn't swear all the time? Theses are just examples of things that people do or lack which they could easily change to improve themselves.
    But finding yourself is knowing what you want in this life and working toward that and having true peace with your decisions.
    I'm afraid that there is some truth to the fact that if you are not sure who you really are yet, where you stand and what you want, then others don't understand you either~
    Major sin, I am sure, is being referred to as purposeful sin~things we willingly do that we know are sinful~
    But as far as white lies and being too honest~~~~~
    People love positive people. People want to be around positive people.
    If someone asks you how you are, just as a common courtesy, it is best to always give a short and sweet answer.
    Would it be a lie to say "I'm fine, thanks", when you have problems in your life? No~ why? Because if God is in your life you are fine. You may have troubles as we all do but God makes our lives good, overall. If every time someone asks how you are and you pour your heart out to them, soon they will begin to look at you as a negative person.
    You see it as being honest, they see it as negativity in you~
    People want to be around positive people~
    About telling a girl how you feel, well that can scare a girl off. Why not wait? You can still feel what you feel but no rush to tell!:)
    I hope you know I am not trying to criticize you in the least, just offering some advice~
    Also, would you believe me if I told you another person cannot fulfill your needs to be whole? If you cannot first find wholeness within yourself, another person will only fulfill your needs temporarily~
    Blessings to you and I do keep you in my prayers~

     


  3. I know what I want out of life, and where I stand. What I'm confused about is the fact that people who don't have it together in the least can find someone to be with, and suddenly their life starts to improve. I know a guy who was a complete mess six months ago, but he's met the love of his life and now he's much better...yet he still has issues like everyone else.



    That still doesn't fit with a reason for not finding someone, because according to statistics, 84% of pastors are addicted to pornography, yet most of them are married. Many of those are happily married, according to the same poll sources. So yes, they need to deal with sin in their lives, but because everyone has a sin they seem to struggle with, I don't see that as a valid reason for not having someone.



    I see it as lying if someone asks me how I'm doing and I tell them I'm okay when I'm not. It's pathetic that people ask each other how they're doing and don't wait for a response, or start to get annoyed when they receive something more than "I'm good." In truth, simply because Jesus is in my life does not mean that I feel fine all of the time.

    God gives us people in our lives so that we don't have to say "I'm fine" when we're not. I had a friend who was "fine" the afternoon before he put a bullet in his own head. If he had been made to feel that he could share his feelings, then maybe he would have told someone about his issues. Then maybe I'd be talking this over with him today. Telling someone you're fine when you don't feel it is a lie, any way that you slice it.

    It is true that one must find a certain degree of fulfillment in oneself, but God Himself said "it is not good for man to be alone." What is a synonym of "not good?" Bad. It is bad for man to be alone. Therefore, we must accept ourselves, but then there are needs and desires that are met by that other person in our lives.

    I do appreciate your prayers, Violet...I just don't necessarily agree with your point of view for various reasons.
     


  4. I know what I want out of life, and where I stand. What I'm confused about is the fact that people who don't have it together in the least can find someone to be with, and suddenly their life starts to improve. I know a guy who was a complete mess six months ago, but he's met the love of his life and now he's much better...yet he still has issues like everyone else.

    I remember once long ago, a friend told me that if life isn't working out for me the way it is then I need to change something. Such simple words but so powerful~

    That still doesn't fit with a reason for not finding someone, because according to statistics, 84% of pastors are addicted to pornography, yet most of them are married. Many of those are happily married, according to the same poll sources. So yes, they need to deal with sin in their lives, but because everyone has a sin they seem to struggle with, I don't see that as a valid reason for not having someone.
    I wasn't saying that is why you do not find someone~I was simply defining what I thought this meant.


    I see it as lying if someone asks me how I'm doing and I tell them I'm okay when I'm not. It's pathetic that people ask each other how they're doing and don't wait for a response, or start to get annoyed when they receive something more than "I'm good." In truth, simply because Jesus is in my life does not mean that I feel fine all of the time.

    I understand what you are saying but there is a time and place for everything~Sure, we have to talk about our problems to someone but not everyone! The more positive we try to come across to people, the more positive we learn to feel!


    God gives us people in our lives so that we don't have to say "I'm fine" when we're not. I had a friend who was "fine" the afternoon before he put a bullet in his own head. If he had been made to feel that he could share his feelings, then maybe he would have told someone about his issues. Then maybe I'd be talking this over with him today. Telling someone you're fine when you don't feel it is a lie, any way that you slice it.

    Have you considered looking into Christian counseling. If you aren't fine to the point where you have to tell everyone who asks, then you have some sadness you need help in overcoming~ I have been there, so I know~ You are reaching out for help, I understand this. Please think about some counseling. These people can help you find ways to handle what you feel and are going through~

    It is true that one must find a certain degree of fulfillment in oneself, but God Himself said "it is not good for man to be alone." What is a synonym of "not good?" Bad. It is bad for man to be alone. Therefore, we must accept ourselves, but then there are needs and desires that are met by that other person in our lives.

    Yes, you are right about being alone and feeling lonely~
    But when we are troubled so much and can't be a good friend to ourself, we can hardly be a good friend to another!

    I do appreciate your prayers, Violet...I just don't necessarily agree with your point of view for various reasons.
    [/quote]

    Well, at least think about what I said, please. I have been through much of what you are going through~
     
  5. Dear Unconventional,
    I am a Christian Psychologist and have worked with hundreds of people with the type of problems you described. My heart goes out to you.
    The comments by Violet are correct.
    In her last post she recommended that you see a Christian counselor. Please give that serious consideration. A good Christian counselor can really make a tremendous differance.
    Praying for you.
    Ray
     
  6. Nearly 15 percent of the people in the US alone suffer from some form of depression. (So your not alone)

    While it may not be curable it certanly is very treatable. (So your not a lost cause).

    Statisticly, the best age for a sucsessul marriage is 26-28 for men and slightly younger for women. (So your not even to the prime yet,)

    Half of the worlds population is made up of women .
    (So it's not like your looking for a unicorn.)

    "Find yourself first." is the catch all phrase of choice for those who are too busy trying to cope with their own sorted lives to concern themselves with other people. (FYI)

    Unrealistic expectations is the number one problem when it comes to finding a partner and or relationship.
    And the first and worst misconception is that this relationship and the the partner in it are going to satisfy all ones needs and desires.
    As for desires ,no one will do that and for needs only our father in heaven can do that and that through his Son, Christ Jesus.
    The second most popular and problibly just as bad misconseption is that a marriage partner will provide the end to your problems. (The opposite is were the truth lies. A single life is complicated,a married life is tripple the complications and doubles with every child.
    Marriage is not an institution for the self obsorbed. It (if it is by God's standard) a very sacrificial relationship for both parties. It requires not an erotic love, not a brotherly love, not a romantic love, but an "Agape"love. That is a love that brings one person to care for the other person more than they care for themself. The kind of Love God has for the world. the kind of Love that christ Jesus has for the church. That kind of love is not found but has to be worked at ,nurtured and matured.

    With experience comes wisdom;) So your not with out either (and that is a good thing)
    It's not that they want lies ,It is that they don't want to hear the truth. But the result is still th same either way.
    A funny thing about truth (not HA HA funny) is that if one is told the truth and does the wrong thing they must take responcibility for it themselves. But. . . if they do the very same wrong thing, (the thing they wanted to and would have done anyway), when lied to they can blame the one who lied.

    I hope I have been able to tell you at least one thing you didn't already know ,and even more so I hope that I have helped you in some way, Given you encouragment. If you need or want to talk more PM, email or post me and I will gladly respond.

    Sincerely His
    and yours
    Cliff

    Just a note;
    I know that country music to the younger generation is often veiwed as like a liver and spinch milkshake ,But there are two counry songs that you might gain some insite from.
    I don't remember the artist but the titles are;
    Looking for love in all the wrong places and Thank God for unanswered prayers

    and last but not least. . .
    Jesus doesn't take us from our problems or our problems from us .He helps us through them.
     
  7. Quote: Brother Theo
    "Find yourself first." is the catch all phrase of choice for those who are too busy trying to cope with their own sorted lives to concern themselves with other people. (FYI)

    Cliff, not true in all cases, because I certainly don't mean that!
    We DO have to find ourselves in this world. Finding God is the first smart change for sinners who don't believe. "Find yourself" is a very short phrase with alot of meaning in it~yes, used differently by different people, I am sure~But to state this meaning alone is not accurate, in my opinion.

    Blessings~
     
  8. A wise man once said " you don't have to get cleaned up to take a bath"- Come to Jesus -selah
     
  9. Epiphany

    God evaporated the water from the ocean yesterday.

    God watered the grass this morning.

    God fed the worm twenty minutes ago so it'd get fat.

    God fed the sparrow with the fat worm.

    God fed the cat with the fat sparrow.

    God made the cat to come inside and rub against the single dude's leg so the single dude would have a moment to express love to something by picking up the fat cat, petting it, and having his face rubbed against with sparrow-worm breath.

    Single dude feels loved and is inspired to read the word of God.

    Single dude realizes he's worth more than many sparrows.

    Single dude comes to one of two conclusions:

    1) Single dude is glad God doesn't feed him to something.

    2) Single dude is confident in the fact that he is worth more than many sparrows, and thus God will take care of him.

    Single dude exudes confidence.

    Single chick is attracted to confidence in single dude.

    Single chick gives single dude her number.

    Thank God for evaporating the water yesterday.

    :)

    Sorry, must be the energy drink I'm chugging...
     
  10. My apologies,

    I was a little short sighted in making that statement. I meant nothing personal by it.

    Sincerely his
    and yours
    Cliff
     
  11. I am in your EXACT situation except I dont have.. "I struggle with depression, insomnia, and mild schizophrenia (all undiagnosed because one or two symptoms don't fit the clinical requirements). I also have hydrocephalus, which is a medical condition linked to a pattern of a lack of motivation in individuals with the problem. "
     
  12. I find it best to find myself in Christ- a study of the book of Ephesians can give one a whole new insight into the new man God is building in them- this born again man doesn't have any passed down curses as He has as awesome new Heavenly Father.
     
  13. Theophilus,

    Been there, done that, got hurt and DON'T want the T-shirt.

    Except for a few details, I was right where you are a few years ago. Wanting a mate and not knowing how to go about getting one. Praying and praying with no results. Thinking something was WRONG with me. Loneliness and depression oozed from my soul, until I finally "found myself." How did I do that? I gave up. I gave up putting my happiness and wholeness in the hands of another human being. I gave up depending on others for my happiness. I accepted myself just the was I was and let God start working out all the kinks. I finally came the realization that NO ONE can make me happy but God and me. I know this is easier said than done, but with God all things are possible.

    I withdrew from negative people who put doubt in my mind. I began to NOT care that I wasn't married or had a boyfriend. I began to NOT be concerned about what others were saying about me. I began to live for "ME" (not selfishly but self aware). I began to stop basing my self worth on the opinions of others. I began to realize that it was OKAY for me to want things but NOT okay for me to stress about the things I want. I began to accept myself as a single person who loves God. So what if I never marry? So what? I began to lean on this scripture . . .

    Philippians 411 . . . Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

    I began to be content with myself just the way I am. Then, as time progressed I began to realize there are some things about me that I don't particularly like, but I didn't fret or let myself get stressed. I found out the hard way that I am NOT perfect, so I quit being a perfectionist and turned those things over to God. I began to let Him help me change those things.

    No, my life is NOT perfect, but it now is truly happy and content; even without a man, and at my age - especially without a man. :)

    As I was going through all of this I received from others the very same advice you have been given here on this forum. Yes, I know it is easier said than done, but my advice would be that you please heed the advice given to you here. It is very sound advice.

    Hope this helps. Praying for you. :pray:
     

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