I Don't Get It. "Find yourself first." That seems to be the attitude a lot of people have when it comes to relationships. When I talk to others, I hear that as the number one reason that people such as myself are single. I mean no disrespect to those particular people who think that way, but from what I understand of God, it doesn't seem to make sense. God will take me as I am, dirtied and sinful, but He won't allow me companionship because I'm dirtied and sinful? I have to clean my act up before He'll allow me a relationship? Yes, I am a sinner, just like everyone else. I have been told that I have to be content with who I am before I can be content with someone else, but in order to be content with myself, I will have to be sinless. This, of course, cannot happen while I reside on this side of Heaven. I struggle with depression, insomnia, and mild schizophrenia (all undiagnosed because one or two symptoms don't fit the clinical requirements). I also have hydrocephalus, which is a medical condition linked to a pattern of a lack of motivation in individuals with the problem. These are not excuses for my sins and attitudes, because Christ can overcome anything in my life. However, from what I understand, I must deal with these problems in order to find "the one." Others also tell me that I can't have any major sin in my life. What is a major sin? Does not one sin, regardless of what it is, cause the same condemnation as any other sin? Sin is "missing the mark," a term used by the Hebrews in archery to describe not hitting the bullseye. How far one is from the bullseye is irrelevant. True, I can see the benefit of dealing with one's habitual sins, but it seems that God will still bless those with sins in their life with "that special someone." I have been increasingly frustrated as I watch all of my friends gain significant others in the past six months. I have attempted to create friendships with women, without necessarily hoping or expecting that they might be something special. However, I am an honest individual, and if care arises in my heart toward them, I tell them that it is there, and for what reason(s). Every time I have done this, I have been shot down, insulted, and/or cast off as "having a crush." Loneliness is very difficult for someone like me to deal with, because a part of me believes that life isn't fulfilled until there is someone to share life with. I know that God should be the first one I run to, and sometimes He is. However, it is difficult when God is no longer on the earth in human form, and I can't feel His flesh and bone against my own in an embrace of comfort. I can't physically hear His words. He isn't tangible in the way I'd like Him to be, and instead He gives us a member of the opposite sex to fulfill those needs and comforts. My desire for a relationship is not sexual. I don't want someone simply for the sake of sex. That will only happen after I'm married. Yes, it would be nice to feel the sweet emotions associated with a kiss, or to hold a woman's body in my arms as she rests her head on my shoulder. However, what I wish more is for someone to love me romantically. Someone to love me not simply as a family member, friend, or fellow human being, but someone to look into my eyes and say "I love you." I want someone to be there for, to care for, and to talk with when either of us is dealing with our lives or our sin. I'm probably not ready to take care of a wife. I'm not ready to settle down, have kids, and start a family. I am very ready to have that person by my side and to know that love that I don't think has ever been reciprocated toward me. I've been told by my friends that my main problem is that I'm too honest. I don't like jerking people around, so when I care for someone, I tell them. When I am dealing with a sin in my life and need prayer, I have this nasty habit of being honest and asking for prayer. The conclusion I've arrived at based on my experiences is that people appreciate being told white lies and being deceived. "How's it going?" "Good." That's what people want to hear. Granted, I won't go off on a total stranger and relay my entire life story to them, but I will go to someone I trust and tell them what's bothering me. I guess some people just don't want to hear it (especially women I've only known for two or three months). It's very frustrating to have to deal with my roommates having their girlfriends over all the time, but I do appreciate having the friendship of their girlfriends, and their girls are nice people, so I don't want to rain on someone else's parade because of my own depression. I've taken this to God in prayer, but it seems He's stayed quiet on the issue, or given me female friends that later tell me I'm a horrible person with deep issues that needs to get his life together. To quote Austin Powers, "Tell me something I don't know."