I am a Christian but I am in trouble... This is really long.... but I hope that someone can help guide me through this, because I have no Christian friends I can turn to. Sometimes I wonder if living a Christian life isn't so much harder than living without beliefs. Not that it isn't worth it, but I think the devil tries to attack at us our weakest moments. The devil doesn't need to attack atheists, he's already got them! I am a very strong believer and I love my lord Jesus Christ. But I have had issues with things my WHOLE life...it's a very long story, but I'll try to make it short. I had been sexually molested by my step grandfather for years. I believe that is when it started, but I know it's no excuse. Ever since then, in my teenage years I was rebelliant for a little while, but more reserved than I would have been if I wasn't a Christian. I was having some serious issues with men/boys (whatever you consider them at that age!) and I would let them completely take control of me and I would never stop them from doing anything I didn't want them to do. I was too scared and afraid of rejection. Since then, someone came along who was a good bit older than me, when I was only 15 years old. It was a good thing at first, we met at church and he knew of a lot of my troubles. He kind of "saved" me from those troubles and was the only guy I knew would not just hang out with me to get me into bed with them. I clung to him because he was the first secure thing I had, and ended up marrying him at age 18, and he was 26. I know it seems like a lot of age difference, but that is a whole other issue. My parents loved him, and everyone else did too. They often told me they would be upset if I broke up with him, and me wanted to please everyone... I never did, even though there were many times when I realized I would really struggle spending a lifetime with him. After the "heroe" thing wore off I realized we were very different than one another, personalities, everything. I still tried to make it work and I did big romantic things for him all the time. For valentines day once, I rented the hall in our church just to ourselves, hired a personal waiter and cooked him a 4 course meal and dessert... lit up the whole room with string lights and played soft music. Point is, I went out of my way to please him all the time. I love his parents, and the rest of his family loved me.... My problems began when we moved in together after getting married.... there were ALOT of emotional abuse from him (in my opinion, not his) He chose our home, he bought everything for it, decorated it with his best friend, and basically did everything in creating a home for us. The one thing I did not want was to live in an apartment building where people were wall to wall with me, just my personal want, that is all. Long story short he ended up choosing a tight townhouse community for us to live in... I was never really happy there and often asked if we could find another place to rent but he would get so angry that I wasn't happy with his decision and yell at me and make me feel like I was doing something terrible to him by just asking about it.... then came the control and change issues.... I simply bought us a new shower curtain one day because our other one was getting moldy and I couldn't get it clean. He freaked out on me about it because he thought I didn't like the shower curtain he chose... How was I supposed to make my home feel like my home without even being able change the shower curtain? The same thing happened with the couch, and the entertainment center... we had no furniture for a while and were sitting on pillows and the tv on the floor. I surpised him one day, by bringing home an entertainment center I had been saving for and had my dad come over and help me put it together before he got home from work so he wouldn't have to do it... I did it for him, BUT he was again, ANGRY. Instead of doing something nice for him, I had just made him angry. I had only spent $99 on it, so it wasn't even like I was spending money unresponsibly. When I got the couch, it was a FREE leather couch, beautiful... but he still didn't like it. That is pretty much how life went that year. Then came the talks about children... he wanted to wait until I was around 30.... I really wanted to be done by 30, I wanted my body to be back, and the older you are the harder... I also wanted to live long and see as much of my kids, and even future grandkids as I could... I just wanted to have them young, he wasn't even sure he wanted them at all, which I had NO idea about before we were married. He then told me that he would just wake up one morning and know, and that we didn't need to plan ahead. Anytime I would speak of having kids in the future, building or buying a house, what we would do, he shut me down. He never wanted to talk about the future... I thought that was part of the fun of starting out a new marraige... not that I expected everything to happen right away, I just wanted to talk about it. Here was my first foolish mistake. I was so desperate and unhappy and heartbroken over the mean things he said to me that I decided to go off of birth control without him knowing and I got pregnant. I realize just how foolish this was. I DID tell him and came clean with him and asked God for forgiveness. He was irate but we dealt with it. After that, it was a rough road.... he often yelled at me, was very mean to me, and even pushed me up against the wall once, threw papers and other stuff at me on occasion, and I was so unhappy. He never got to the point where he hurt me or physically abused me, but he had anger issues and it felt like emotional abuse. Because I am and was a christian, I knew that saying my vowes were not to be taken lightly. I think back on it now and think maybe I should have left in that first year before children were involved. After our son was born, I literally almost died because of complications. I needed a blood transfusion and was sick for about a month. I think it was a wakeup call to him and he treated me better for a while. But we still had constant arguments. Finally, we ended up finding a house and buying it when our son was 7 months old. I was so happy, finally a place I wanted to be, finally somewhere I could truely make my home. This really did make me very happy but I was also building a wall from my husband, I no longer risked feeling terrible all the time and I pulled away physically a lot, mentally, and emotionally. I became subdued and tried to be happy and just bury the feelings I had. I thought it was all my fault anyway, I should have known better than to get married to him in the first place, but now I had done it and had to deal with it. I got pregnant again when my son was 9 months old, and I now have 2 children, who are 4 and and almost 3. When my daughter was born I went into severe depression and really was resenting my husband. I went on lexipro which made me numb for years... shortly after I convinced my husband to go on it as well. Things were better for a while, the arguments were less, and he gave in to my decorating and making our home needs, but we stopped sleeping in the same room together, because of his severe sinus problems and snorning... and of course we started living just as roommates for a long time. At that point I was scared to trust him with my emotions. Skip ahead a litttle.... I started hanging out with friends, going to bars, and being around people who probably weren't a good influence on me. I went out last weekend, and had too much to drink. It ended in my cheating on my husband, which I am horribly ashamed of. I did not actually have intercourse with him, but messed around and it might as well have been.... I am in a place right now where I am having so much trouble wanting to stay with my husband (and not because of a guy, because I will probably never see him again, and I didn't know anything about him.) I am just so unhappy and no matter how much I pray and how much I try I just can't get myself to love him like he should be loved. He hurt me so deeply all those years I am afraid of him. I however know that what I did was no excuse and still a sin no matter what the circumstances. I really never thought I was capable of doing anything like that. I also should mention I went off of my lexipro a few weeks ago too and I am finally starting to "feel" again... I am really wanting to work things out simply because I know God probably wants me to and I would never have any desire make my kids go through a divorce and I do not have a desire to make my husband hurt or miserable either, I don't want to take the kids away from him. Last night I found the strength to tell him that I kissed another guy. I do not have the strength to tell him every detail... I told him I did not sleep with him, which I didn't. But I did not tell him I did anything more than kissing either. I really don't want him to have to think of me that way, because he is already having trouble thinking of me kissing someone else and I think it might detroy him. Either way he wants me to stay and work it out... and in this confession to him, he has confessed to me that he addicted to pornography... I have admitted to God my mistake, and asked for forgiveness. I asked my husband to fogive me. What is bothering me is that he doesn't know all the details. Is it neccessary for me to go into detail about it ? I don't think his emotions could handle it right now. I also don't know if it is right to stay or leave. I have asked him repeadedly to come to Christian counceling with me and he refuses, saying no one can tell him what to do with his life... My friends all say that he is mean, my family has noticed it, and even HIS friends have told him he is not treating me right... so even aside from my sins, what does God say about divorce in these situations?? I wish it was all cut and dry, but it's not. I have never felt so overwhelmed and unhappy and scared in my life. I hope that you all do not judge me, I am really here for some help. I don't know who to turn to or where to go. My friends are NO help because they do not share in my beliefs, at least beyond the surface... they say they are christians but their lifestyle does not reflect that. They actually seem like they are encouraging me to leave. What do I do?? I really feel like I am drowning. I love the Lord but I cannot claim to have it all figured out.