I Also Need Some Help

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Casi, Aug 31, 2012.

  1. I'm 64, in my second marriage of 5 yrs. My first marriage of 38 yrs ended when my husband ran off with the neighbors wife. Now 8 yrs later they are married. I've been working hard at forgiving them. Our divorce was ugly as most of them are. I have been trying very hard to be a good Christian. My husband and I go to church every Sunday and I go to 2 Bible studies a week. I'm not happy in my marriage but I'm trying to make it work. Our marital problems are centered around the fact that my husband does not like my children because he feels like they have abused me and take advantage of me every chance they get. My 41 yr. old son won't have anything to do with me but I get to see my grandaughter, age 11 when ever I can but she is a 7 hr drive away so it doesn't happen very often. When I married I moved within 90 miles of my other 2 grandchildren, my daughter's children ages now 9 and 12. In 2009 my daughter left her husband and the children to marry someone else. I spent practically everyother week end with the 2 children, either at their house our mine. I was very disappointed, even mad at my daughter originally but I still loved her and I kept up a relationship with her. Last year her marriage ended after just 2 years and she is filing bankruptsy and is very mentally unstable plus we discovered that she has a prescription drug problem. My X, before we knew about the drug problem, bought her a car to drive, an old pick-up so she could pull her horsetrailer, which is the only possession besides the 2 horses that she can say she owns. He also bought her a place to live on 11 acres. Now he is realizing that he bit off more than he can afford; she hadn't even started her job which she probably can't even afford where she is living. He has teamed up with my son to guilt me into giving $5000 to help with some of the expenses they have taken on, such as getting the divorce, filing for bankruptsy, etc. I love my daughter and I say I would do anything to help her but I raised her, sent her to college and I try to help her out as much as I can. If I cash in some stock that I own, which will not be at a premium price, then I am taking away from my own security. My husband will be very upset with me because he will think that they are all just using me. When it comes to my family, I've almost felt like I was going to have to leave my husband as we just cannot agree when it comes to them and he is never going to change. I might need that money myself to have a place to live myself.
    I need help. Am I just thinking about myself? Am I wrong?
  2. Life will allways have problems, our lord told us that we need not worry about tomorrow. Because today is enough to worry about, i cant tell you go left or right here but i will say, run to Jesus the greatest power you have to work out all these things is Jesus. Let him be your rock when everything and everyone is like sand.
  3. First off, your primary responsibility is to your current husband. That means that you focus your primary relational energy on him. In practical and specific terms, I would say that means you don't spend $5000 without his approval - and I don't mean begrudging approval. Your ex-husband, the one who left you, broke the marriage covenant with you, and joined himself to another, made a financial decision and he's going to have to live with it and deal with it. I'm guessing he didn't consult you when he decided to buy a pickup and property. You are also not responsible for the decisions made by adult children to divorce, remarry, file for bankruptcy, or anything else. That doesn't mean you can never help them, but you need to have your husband's approval when you do.

    Have you considered the possibility that your husband may be right, and that he is actually God's protection for you from being taken advantage of? If you are willing to leave your husband because he won't agree to your terms for dealing with your children, it demonstrates that your children come first, before him. In other words, your commitment to them is stronger than your commitment to him. You can't build a strong marriage that way. If you leave your husband, you will basically be on your own being sucked into the vortex of your children's poor decisions because you will have, essentially, married yourself to them.

    My suggestion would be for you to come to agreement with your husband regarding your children. If he won't budge, then you budge to agree with his terms. If you have discussed your views with him and he hasn't changed his mind and you think he's wrong, then you can pray that God will change his mind. And, as long as you are praying, you can pray that God will work in the lives of your children so that they can resolve their issues in healthy ways that are good for everybody. Don't let the chaos in your children's lives destroy your marriage. It won't make their lives better. You are allowing your children to suck the life and vitality from your marriage, leaving you to work from a position of weakness. Better to build a strong, stable marriage on solid ground and be able to work from a position of strength.
    calvin likes this.
  4. That is exactly what I wanted to know! I have been wanting to talk to someone who is Christian to tell me if I should be faithful to my blood or to my husband. My son says to me "how can you side with a man that you have only known 5 years?" He says that I am selfish and if I don't send the $5000 everybody will know where I stand and that I turned my back on my daughter. I talked to my X yesterday and asked what the $5000 was for and his response was that it was just to be a fund for upcoming expenses. I feared that my son had in mind to pay his Dad back some of the money but I may be wrong. My family has put me in the middle so often for the last 5 years. I have tried so hard to keep everybody happy. We are all supposed to be handling my daughter with kid gloves as she is in a drug re-hab program and they don't want anything to upset her as she might get back into the drugs or possibly with her depression do harm to herself. She cuts herself when she is really bad. Yesterday she called me and said that she had talked to her X and he was gonna file for an increase in the child support. My X and son have not been able to figure out why she is so broke and now she is going to have more expense. She called this morning and is on her way here....a 4 hr drive. My husband isn't too happy about her coming but I couldn't say no. She needs her Mom. She is very upset. I am hoping that maybe my husband will feel sorry for her and let some of his bitterness towards her go.
    Rumely, I appreciate your knowlege and insight. I want to do the right thing and I have been praying for help and strength.
  5. Sounds like problems solved, but if someone did have your answers what are you going to do next time you hit a brick wall. And you will hit a brick wall.
  6. Probably I am going to come back here for help! My problems are not solved, by a long shot. My daughter did come yesterday and spent the night. My husband, I think fearing an encounter chose to stay outside and away from any chance of there being an incident. My daughter and I had good interaction. She and I went to church this morning and then she went home after lunch. I am just hoping that with time, my husband will soften towards her. She was a differerent girl this week end.....very sweet and loving.
  7. It would be interesting to have a talk with your husband, to see what's going on in his heart and mind. If he no longer feels he has to compete with your children for your loyalty, he may develop more charitable feelings toward them. If your husband is a sincere Christian, God will work in his heart.
  8. Sorry casi, i hope everything will work itself out.
  9. I am about at the end of my rope! My husband is so closed minded when it comes to my children. I have found it best for our harmony to not even talk about her....not even mention her name. I am loyal to my husband to a point. He is so unreasonable. He resents my relationship with her. I have always been close with her. When I was still married years ago, we would talk everyday and sometimes more than once a day. I really think he is jealous and like you say Rumely, competing for my loyalty. I have considered leaving him more than once because of the way he has behaved to my family. He would never allow me to act towards his family the way that he act towards mine. The first Christmas after my daughter divorced, her husband and the children came to have Christmas with us. After the kids had their Santa and we got ready to open gifts, he got mad and left and went to a motel for the rest of the week end until my son-in-law left. He did not want my SIL to be there and now he is forbidden to be at our house. I don't feel like this house is mine and my family is not welcome....just like him staying outside last week end til my daughter left. I appreciate him trying to make sure that there wasn't a blow up, but the blow up would have come from him and he knows he can't control it.
    Today I went to watch my grandson play his first football game of the year. I had told him earlier in the week that I would probably go. Last night I told him that I wasn't going to go. My daughter wanted me to go but she wanted to stay tonight at my house with her new boyfriend, and I knew that wouldn't work and told her no....so she was going to get a motel so she could spend some time with the kids. The kids are 90 min. away from me and almost 5 hrs away from her. I just thought it better for me not to go. This morning she called and she wanted me to join them and so I decided to go. He got mad because I went. He was mad cause I wasn't going to go and then all my daughter had to do was call and I went. He was fine with me saying I was going yesterday, but the fact that my daughter called ....then he got mad....really mad. I can't take this never having my daughter in my life just to keep him happy, it is not right.
  10. Looking at this from a couple of different angles. I'll get back to this tomorrow.
  11. Casi, remember life is not about you. The more you think about how all these things effect you, the more you will continue to suffer. The first thing you need to do is to forget the self. Look at what God has given you allready not what you desire. Remember the psalm, i shallt not want. I can see you are in want. Start being realistic, know your familys hearts are sinfull and corrupt. Also know your enemy is not with flesh and bone. Satan wants to destroy you and your family, pray with prayers you know your family can recieve in there hearts. And the number one thing is, work out your own salvation. You cant work out anyone elses salvation.

    You dont need a solution you need a saviour.
  12. Sorry Chris, not following you here. Don't know about "all about you". Where am I in the want? I want my husband to accept my children. I want to have a good relationship with him. What else?
  13. What i am saying, is you cant expect anything from people. People will fail you no matter how low your expectations are. Its best to know what is in a person. Jesus is the only one who wont fail us, but people will never live up to the desires we have for them. Its wrong to expect anything from anyone. The more you hope that people will peform in a way you want, the more your expectations wont be met and the more you will get upset with people.

    I hope this makes things clear and i hope this has helped, even a little.
  14. It sounds to me like someone needs to have a heart-to-heart with your husband about some things. Ideally, the two of you should be able to sit down and work through what is reasonable in how you all relate to one another. Your holding back may prevent some blow-ups, but it is a false peace. Your heart is still full of conflict. Having never met your husband, I can't really get a read on him beyond taking what you have told me at face value. I think he is missing out on opportunities to build healthy relationships and be an effective leader and minister. In some ways his approach to the problem is actually feeding it. If he could find a way to integrate your daughter into his sense of family, he might find that it is not necessary to compete for loyalty. Of course, your willingness to consider leaving him over your daughter does indicate a certain reality to his perception of being in something of a tug-o-war with your daughter.

    I believe there is a solution here, but it's going to take the cooperation and collaberation of all parties involved for best results.
  15. I know that we need counseling but he will not go. He is a very stubborn man and when he makes up his mind it is impossible to change. I always dreamed of having my family around me, looked forward to fixing Sunday dinners. Now they can never come. I'm doomed to going to all the grand childrens events alone. When his family comes, I'm the hostess with the mostesss....they all love me and I love them. His Mom is 94 and when she comes I take care of her and entertain her; I spend more time with her than he does and he admits that. We just are definitely a mis-match. I've been trying to make the best of it. We get along fine as long as no one is around us.
  16. I am sorry casi, i hoped that what i said would stir up the truth about what you are dealing with. But it seemed to have no effect, and you seem to still be stuck with all this. I dont know what to say but, hang in there and dont give up. I also crash into brick walls all the time, and i go looking for help. Maybe one day something you know about God may help me.

    Godbless you casi.
  17. Keep praying for your husband and your situation. God has a way of breaking through to stubborn men. I, too, am a stubborn man. Often the lessons come hard, but they do come. If only it were easier to realize how much we lose when we try to hang onto things so tightly. I wonder what it is that your husband fears about opening himself up to your children and grandchildren? What within himself is he trying to protect?
  18. I haven't heard from my daughter in almost 2 weeks. I've called her a couple of times and left messages. She finally called me back today. She is not mad at me but she is so upset over the fact that she is not welcome in my home. I told her she was only hurting me, not my husband. She is disappointed with me because I am letting him control my life the way he does. It is pretty depressing that Thanksgiving is coming and then Christmas and I won't have my children with me. I will probably end up fixing a Thanksgiving dinner for my husbands family and my daughter and the children are not welcome. It just doesn't seem right.

Share This Page