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Husband's Ex Girlfriend

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by spunkycat08, Jan 19, 2014.

  1. #1 spunkycat08, Jan 19, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2014
    My husband is friends with one of his exes whom he dated twice, once in the 1990’s and once in the 2000’s. From what he told me, she has the emotional maturity of a teenager. From his own personal experience, she is selfish and she does what she wants to do when she wants to do it and when it suits her. She would act like a diva. She broke up a while ago with a friend of my husband, but this is not the first time this has happened. According to my husband, they have a long history of dating and breaking up. According to him, she has come to him in the past after her breakups wanting a shoulder to cry on. She also has had a difficult time getting over the breakup. She would wallow in her pain I have met her. All of us are in our forties.

    The last time she broke up with the friend of my husband, she sent him a text stating that. His response was ‘Why are you texting me? What do you want me to do? I am married. There is not much that I can do. I am a Christian. You keep on dating him and breaking up with him. I would not know how to help you except to pray for you.’ She continued to text him when he and I were at home. Her texts included… hi, what are you doing? Good night. Have you spoken to *person*? He would just read the text and then delete it.

    According to my husband, she has not texted him about her breakup.

    Recently she texted about the fact that her niece was admitted to the hospital. Turns out her niece has
    leukemia. She has been texting my husband updates regarding her niece. She also asked him to pray for her niece.

    Should I be concerned about anything regarding the entire situation?
  2. Yup...be concerned, but love God and your husband at the same time. Approach the situation with your husband in love and tell him plainly how you feel about her contacting him (which I assume you do not like-so tell him that). The worst thing you can do is get bitter. LOVE your husband in this seeking good counsel from your women's group and Pastor's wife if you access to one.

    The best thing you can do is be open and honest-we men don't think like you women (duh), give it to us straight and gentle. If you wait for your husband to figure it out-it may be too late.
  3. My husband told me that he wants to show his ex-girlfriend what it means to be a Christian and treat her the way that Jesus would treat her.

    He does not want to abandon her.

    He and his male friend who dated and broke up with her many times were trying to encourage me to be her friend. Both of them told me that she does not have that many friends.

    But she is no longer my husband's responsibility.

    So why does he feel that he can help her? What is the best way for him to help her?
  4. Is she a Christian?
  5. I am not sure about that one.
  6. In my opinion: any 'ministering' done to this woman should be done by the women of the Church; not a married Christian man.

    Thus-you would be more responsible for ministering to her...
  7. Here I think is a case of not allowing the Holy Spirit to do His job. Somehow your husband and his friend feel that if THEY don't minister to the ex-gf, she will never be reached for Christ. They need to respect the power of God to work in a person's life and to respect the boundaries that are defined by the history of all the people involved in this scenario and the roles and responsibilities they have for each other. Frankly, his trying to "not abandon" her may in fact be holding her back from moving forward in life - just something to think about.
  8. According to my husband, his ex feels that he can help her with her problems.

    Since she has the mind and emotions of a teenager, he has to break down anything he explains to her in a way that an adolescent would understand.

    She does have a difficult time understanding the word no.

    According to my husband and the male friend of his whom my husband's ex has dated off and on...

    There was a time when he needed some space from her because she was constantly texting him. He asked her not to text him for a while. But she did not stop texting him. She constantly texted him every day even thought he repeatedly texted her to stop texting him. She finally stopped after two months. Then there was a female friend of hers who asked her mom to let her know that she needs to stop constantly texting her. But she did not listen to her mom. She continued to constantly text her.

    My husband feels that he has a gift to help others. Plus he has female friends who come to him for help with their problems. He feels as Christians that helping others is the right thing to do.

    What bothers me about my husband's ex as well as a former female friend of his who wanted his help is the fact that both of them have/had a psychological need to get attention by using disruptive or negative behavior. I also posted a message on this site about a female friend of his who wanted his help after her fiance broke up with her. Due to her behavior, I also wonder if she has a psychological need for attention.

    The pastor of the church my husband and I attend as well as our Sunday school instructor encourage everyone to help others. I understand that as Christians we should help others. However, considering the fact that some of his female friends have/had a psychological need for attention, how should my husband, as a married Christian, be helping his female friends? When and where should he draw the line regarding helping his female friends? What kind of help can and should a married man provide to a single female friend?
  9. Seeing that this is his EX, He has no business speaking to her at all. I would never dishonor my wife and take any chance of bad feelings or doubts because I allowed an EX to continue talking to me. God has lots of people on the planet to help others besides me helping an ex girl friend.

    I do minister to women but the rule is once I draw them to the things of God the wife takes over. I also never minister to a women alone without bringing the wife. Scripture says it's the elder women that help the younger in the Lord. Not the man finding tons of women to minister to.

    Your Husband should have cut this EX off long ago. I also have female acquaintances I don't have female friends. They say Hi on Facebook or something but that would be the extent of it.

    My wife never gets in the car with a man alone and I don't do that either with a women.
    My wife does not have man friends, but knows many we talk to and she talks to at church. Never a friend thing where she would go out or I would go out with someone alone.

    You spend enough time with someone of the opposite sex, Satan can get a place no matter how strong you think you are. I don't mess with it.

    More than once I have heard of church groups getting together and a man working with another women both decide that God really intended "THEM" to be together and it's not good, and self deception.

    AllieWi and Brother_Mike_V say Amen and like this.
  10. ................ Love that double post........umph
  11. She doesn't need "help" from men. She is seeking male attention. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's what it sounds like. Your husband seems to be on dangerous territory if he thinks HE is the one who has to help her. He should refer her to a female or a single male. He should never talk to her or see her without you present.
    Terri A. Constant, AllieWi and Brother_Mike_V says Amen and like this.
  12. #12 J.S., Feb 5, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2014
    First things first... your husband has acknowledged that the woman is
    1. immature
    2. selfish
    3. emotionally led [does what she wants and when she wants].
    This is clearly a woman whom the Spirit of God does not dwell in.

    I think the situation consists of a combination of problems. The first is the woman has no boundaries, consideration of others, or vigilance concerning Satan's plan us as a weapon to harm each other. The second is your husband may have an unhealthy, subconscious need to feel needed by others. I say this because he compromises the sanctity of his marriage in the process. Also, it is possible that your husband still has soul-ties to the woman, which causes a spirit of guilt to overtake him when he considers ending their friendship. It is the reason my message is abstinence - because premarital sex creates soul ties between people that can keep them in bondage to the worst relationships and ungodly people.

    I think your husband is playing with fire, and the woman is a threat to your marriage. People are capable of anything when they are not led by the Spirit, and this woman clearly is not. As for your husband, the Bible warns us that the Devil desires to sift us as wheat; and to be vigilant because our adversary the Devil walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. Why did God warn us of this? Because we are still vulnerable to the Devil's strategy IF we do not wear God's armor of protection and yield to the Holy Spirit. The Bible tells us that when a man and woman marry, they become ONE. Jesus instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Therefore, the Holy Spirit would never lead your husband to continue a relationship with a woman with whom he has an ungodly past, and who is seeking comfort from him or using him as an emotional crutch. First of all - God says, "I am, even I, am He who comforts you!" Is your husband so puffed up as to believe that God needs help being God?

    My advice to your husband is to
    "Introduce the woman to Christ and let God do the rest. Give her scriptures to meditate on, sermons to listen to, etc. Direct her to a FEMALE minister in the church to minister to her. Do not give the Devil ANY leeway in your marriage - change your telephone number if you have to. You are ONE with your wife and that means you should not be numb to what hurts her. If there is anything in your marriage that poses a threat or brings pain to either of you, it is your duty to eliminate it. Submit to God concerning loving your wife. Again, God calls men to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. If Christ loved us by laying down his life for us, surely, you can love your wife by laying aside an ex-girlfriend. Draw strength from God to do so. Also, I encourage you to seek God concerning the root of why it is so difficult for you to cut ties with this woman for good."
    Pray for God's wisdom and discernment over your husband. Rebuke all evil spirits that attempt to destroy your marriage.

    God bless you.
  13. Your may need to come right out and tell her to quit texting/calling him and to get professional help from her pastor. She needs to leave him alone now!

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