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Husband Has Left

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by jaycam, Jun 4, 2012.

  1. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 6 months, and we have a 4 year old child together. We began having issues in the last month or so because he barely made time for me or for our child, and I felt like he was neglecting us. I would have to suggest to him ways to spend time with our child, and he still barely did. He would come home from work, take a shower, get in the bed and start watching TV and playing on his phone. No conversation, no nothing! It made me crazy! Anytime I'd bring up the issue, he'd shut down and refuse to talk about it, or say that he needs his own space. He plays golf after work 1-2 times a week, plays golf every other weekend or more, goes to the camp almost every weekend to fish, and he says he still doesn't have enough "me" time. I truly started to feel like he didn't even like me and was only around me because he had to be. Any time I'd try to talk to him about it to get it resolved, he'd leave the house saying that he would be back in a couple of hours, but he always stayed gone for at least the rest of the day and night. He'd go to the camp or to his mom's house. I admit that I went about gaining his attention in the wrong way most of the time. It got to the point that I was nagging and complaining a lot, and I know that only pushes men further away, but I was so frustrated with him! He is the most uncommunicative person I've ever known; for instance, I would ask him a question and he would literally not answer. I'd wait for a response, then say, "are you going to answer?", and he'd say, "wait, what was the question again?" Infuriating! He would tell me that I'm too "motherly" with our daughter and that I care too much about parenting. For instance, we went to the camp a couple of months ago, and he got mad at me because I wouldn't go on a boat ride with everyone while my daughter stayed alone in the house napping. He thought I was so uptight and ridiculous because I wouldn't leave her in a house in the middle of the woods by herself! So the last time he left, he moved in with his mom, took only the essentials, says he still loves me but wants to take time for himself for awhile and doesn't know when he'll come back. I must leave him alone, not call, not ask him questions, basically obey his every command or he won't come back. He spends about 30 mins a week with our daughter, and she cries every day. He doesn't call her, she calls him throughout the week. He came over last night and took her to buy a toy, because that's how he shows his love to her. Afterward he said he was spending the night because he didn't have time to go back to his mom's and wash work clothes over there. I told him no, that he must be either all in or all out, and he said, "I can do whatever I want as long as I pay these bills". He is using the money thing over my head now...I don't work; after I got pregnant we agreed that I could go to school and stay at home with our child. I have a year left until I get my nursing degree, and up until this point it was "our money" according to him. Now he is threatening to close the account and open a new one only in his name, and give me only enough money to buy the things our daughter needs. I don't want to get a divorce, but I don't know if he will every stop acting like this! He runs away, sweeps things under the rug; he avoids things. He goes to his family because they appease him and never tell him he's doing anything wrong. I know he talks about me in a bad way over there because his sister has told me, so I also feel betrayed by that as well. No matter what he's done, I've never gone to my family or friends to trash him, because I believe you just don't do that to your spouse. I haven't talked to many people about this because it's so embarrassing. While we were engaged, he left for 6 months at one point to "take a break". During this time he bought a computer and a CAR without consulting me. I'm afraid this will turn into the same sort of thing, and I'm not waiting around for him for 6 months again. I feel so stupid because I'm sure somebody will say I shouldn't have married him in the first place, but we went to counseling and all was right again. He admitted that what he had done was wrong, apologized profusely, etc. His mother and I talk and she tells me to just give him his space until he's ready to come back. He's also picked smoking and dipping back up since he's left. I feel like he's being a rebellious teenager! If he doesn't want me to act like a mother figure, why doesn't he act like a grown-up? I believe marriage is forever, so I don't want to initiate a divorce, but I don't want to wait around for months and months!
  2. I am so sorry you are going through this, jaycam. (((hugs))) I will be praying for you guys.
  3. I as well feel for you.

    From what I read from you and my experience on these matters, it seems to me that there is something else going on in your husbands life.

    Many times, drug use will lead to the things you have described. Others have had this happen when they are seeing some else. I would encourage you to be observant and very careful in the days ahead as what you described speak of something a little more sinister than just not spending time with you. Not spending time is the by-product of something else and uselly a precurser of what is coming.
  4. Sorry this is happening to you. I don't have an answer and can't imagine for a second what you are going through. I only know that people have benefitted from never trying to change their spouse but always change themselves.
    Have you read - "Becoming the woman of his dreams! by by Sharon Jaynes". It may be helpful. It covers what to do in situations such as yours. Sorry I don't have any answer. Wishing you all the best. Praying that God give you the wisdom to overcome
  5. This is a mess, and there are no quick and easy solutions. You were right, in my opinion, to tell him to either be all in or all out. Someone has to be the adult in this situation, and it looks like that's going to have to be you. That doesn't mean you treat him like a child, even though he is certainly acting like one, from reading your account. But it does mean responding to him in adult ways when he wants to play childish games. That is, you essentially expect adult behavior from him because he is an adult. Your 4 year old has an excuse. He doesn't.

    I wouldn't put divorce on the table just yet, but you will need to start making some decisions as to how you are going to manage a household for which he is refusing to take responsibility. How are you going to feed, shelter, and clothe your child and yourself without being subject to financial coercion from your husband? He might find also that being an adult carries some legal obligations for family support.

    You need to get a support system, people who can give you guidance, direction, advice, and resources to navigate the difficult path ahead. A good place to start would be your church, if you belong to a healthy one. You may want to talk to your local social services agency, and/or a lawyer, and/or a marriage counselor. All of these people and agencies will have information and contacts to help you make decisions and and locate resources.

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