How is it possible that God could love me? I have many issues but I want to ask about this one. My background is I was raised in a nonreligious environment where me and my brother were severely emotionally abused. Also I was abandoned by my mother at around age one or earlier. My brother is psychotic as a result of our childhood horrors. I supposedly suffer from at least 5 personality disorders including paranoia personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and a few others all at high percentages. I do not feel love. If it exists I have never felt it. I was baptized a Christian in 1981 and have always believed Jesus was God's son. I got there by myself pretty much. I chose to believe. I learned from CS Lewis that faith is a choice and I chose it. I went to a church for 15 years and it actually ended up being almost a cult. They didn't fully accept me because my husband didn't attend. Me and my daughter were treated as though we didn't matter and were not included in the social aspect of it. Why did I keep going? I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, I didn't know where else to go. They also made me feel like if I left the church that I was lost to God. My health also was slowly deteriorating from the stresses and traumas of my life and that church added to the stress instead of building me up. So I did quit finally and have been afraid to go back to any church since that time (1996). Now my health is really bad and I trace it back to my childhood because of the trauma. What I have trouble believing is God wanting me to be with him in heaven. I have been used, abused, rejected so much that I cannot imagine God wanting me in heaven with him. I try to live a good life, I seek forgiveness for my sins. I have resentments I struggle with but I just cannot imagine me being accepted into heaven. How can a person who never had unconditional love imagine such a love? I see God rejecting me just as my own parents did (all 4 of them, mother, father and step parents). I just cannot feel God's love for me. I pray for help and it doesnt come. I want to trust God. I want it more than anything. He is all I have. I need help. Sometimes I feel as though I am going to go crazy thinking I will not get to be with God when I die. I love Jesus for what he did for mankind and I don't have hate for anyone. I resent my parents but I don't hate them. I forgave them, but the pain is still there, and it affects my health. I resent them for making me what I am. I need some kind of spiritual counseling so I can move on and believe in God's love for me. I cannot afford counseling. Is there hope for me? How do I feel or believe in a love I have never experienced? I feel like I have to be perfect to get to heaven but that is discounting God's grace. I feel like a child who is forever lost and wants nothing more than to go home but that God is so disappointed in me that he does not want me. I cannot intellectually or emotionally grasp the concept of God wanting me with him. How do I get to the place I see others at where they are so certain they will be welcomed into God's presence?