How Do You Go About Forgiving An Offense When The Other Person Wont Acknowledge Their Wrong?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by autumn oddity, Feb 22, 2014.

  1. Like, I don't have a problem forgiving others or asking for forgivness, its just someone in my church in a high position did some really mean and rude things toward me, and I still wounder why, when I never did anything to provoke such response, except clean her house, bath her when she was sick ... its just crazy..and its like I feel I can't move on. I stopped reading b/c I was mad at God that he allowed one if his "ministers " to treat me this way so i felt if he let them do all of that to me..that i really couldn't trust him... I sorta have a love-hate R-ship w/ God now. But I know I need to forgive but I can't unless she apologizes; In the past I've been the one to apologize to her for something that she did towards me (i apologized for being offended) even when she caused it..and tbh, it didn't change anything it just made me feel like an official dormat for her.... I just don't what to do to let this go, I've prayed, in the past I've apologized o her (but im not doing that anymore b/c I feel it just gives em the ok to treat me however) I feel I wont be right till they apologize, but she doesn't even realize she's I feel im stuck.. how do I get rid of these feelings? have you had a similar experience? : /

  2. Pancakes, does it really matter that the other apologize to you for the wrongs done to you...? That which is important is your heart and how you live your life, that will be a beacon to those who wronged you that they are not true and are not living in the Lord's grace. Forgive them and let your heart be at peace, do not let others get you on the wrong side of our Lord for we don't walk any longer with earthly wishes of retributions for wrongs done, we walk knowing that God is with us... forgive that person and do not let their actions impose their will on you, some people will never apologize no matter how wrong they are and they will have to answer to our Lord, you walk in the Lord's grace and show them how to... <><
    God calls me Olivia likes this.
  3. Only by walking in love can you be free. Otherwise you will be in constant bondage to that person and your emotions. Remember the person who is out of love is in bondage, so this lady is in bondage as well. Your love may be the only thing that can get her out of the bondage. You see yourself how awful it is being in bondage. Everyone who is not in love is in bondage to sin.

    The bible says, "You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect " (Matthew 5:43-5:48).

    Sin causes people to be in bondage because people believe it just as Eve did. This lady is reaping the consequences because she is not free. Do you really want to become like her. Your only choice is to free yourself through love and forgiveness. It is then that you can walk in God's Spirit which is the true reward. Pray that you see things from God's perspective. Think of all the things God has forgiven people for. He's had to forgive people hating and abusing him. Yet he is love and he forgives and he is free. There really isn't any other choice. There is either willingness to forgive and be free or negative emotions and bondage. That doesn't mean you have to continue letting her abuse you, but it means you have to forgive her for what she has done.
    ixoye_8 likes this.
  4. Also, another thing to help is confessing believing how you want to be.

    Say and believe I live in the perfect love of God.
    I always act and think from the perfect love of God.
    I see the beauty in love.
    I only have positive emotions.
    I see beauty in everything.

    I could continue to list, but you can make up your own as long as they are in God's will Think who do I want to be. What type of believer do I want to be and create positive affirmations from that.
  5. Dear sister,

    I think it's so wonderful that you have come with an open and honest heart, seeking guidance here in such a humble way.

    You know, this is a topic I've often pondered on too. I once heard some very helpful words, that I will try my best to relate here. When the other person doesn't recognize their fault and has not apologized, we need to ask for God's help to be able to forgive them, as it is often too hard for us to do humanly. However, forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. We can forgive someone in our heart (something that is very helpful for us, emotionally), but if they don't repent or change their ways, true reconciliation will be impossible. Think of the case of a woman who has been physically abused by her husband, time and time again. He can bully her into forgiving him, but unless he changes and NEVER hits her again and sorts himself out and repents properly (in deed as well as in word), reconciliation is not possible.
  6. We are beings that were created with a need for unconditional all accepting love. The problem is that none of us can give this kind of love that we so desperately need because all of our love is conditional in some way. The only one who could give this love we need is the Messiah.

    When we forgive, someone pays the debt. And forgiving requires suffering. If someone breaks a lamp in someone's home, the owner of that lamp can say: I forgive you, I will replace the lamp. If he does, he suffers the debt, he goes without light in that part of the home. Or he can force the other man to pay the debt, somebody will always pay the debt. If we refuse to forgive, we are forcing the other to suffer for his action, we can sometimes even take pleasure in seeing the other pay the debt but if we do this, we are not really forgiving.

    This is exactly what the Messiah did for you and for me, He paid our debt. And if we read the accounts of Messiah's death it tells us that He was silent. What we don't have in this example is Jesus manning up and being a tough willed person, what Messiah showed to us is that He completely forgives us and gave us His all accepting, unconditional love in order so that we could become the beings he created us to become. Our problem is that we are so prideful that we are not willing to give up anything for others. The most valuable gift I ever received was not a sinless holy life (the more I try not to sin the more sin I do) but it is the desire to forgive others that don't want forgiveness. And that is all of us. Jesus prayed "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". We need to take that example of God's unconditional love for us and begin to learn how to give that love to others - Father forgive others for they know not what they do. What are you and I willing to place upon the altar? We need to yield ourselves upon the altar by being humble and forgiving others as Christ forgave us. If we do this, we can experience true joy and true peace and we can learn to give each other that kind of unconditional love even if its in just a small way. And as we grow we will learn to become servants of the Most High God.

    We have been freely forgiven by God.
  7. Forgiveness isn't just for those seeking it for their wrongdoing, but even for the wronged. God wrote on our hearts a very powerful want of justice, but we also want to be judge. It is imperative that you forgive this person, regardless of what they do now. Don't even tell them this. Tell God. Jesus said "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Love. Love is the only way to live in this life. In fact when we do not forgive it manifests in our bodies. We had a friend - new Christian - suffer from all kinds of sinus infections causing massive migraines. She's spent thousands and thousands of dollars on doctors and they couldn't help her. She'd spend days in a dark bedroom waiting to get better. After talking with her about this I asked if she'd had something happen to her when she was a kid. She hung up the phone. Three hours later she called back asking how I knew. She told me that her mother was very abusive and hurt her and her siblings all the time. I told her she needed to forgive her mother. She hung the phone again. Three days later she called back. She said it was impossible to forgive her mother because she was dead. I told her what I'm telling you: forgiveness is for the wronged too. She mustered the strength to openly forgive her mother. Within days her sinuses were cleared up and years later she still free. This fact is proven though the issuances of a placebo by doctors. What we think is what we are.

    God loves you. Take that love and give it to this "leader" of the church and be free.
    RosaVera likes this.
  8. Oh can be hard when other people do not treat you as Christ wants them to. But be careful to not fall into that same trap. I do fear that if you let this (and other offenses that will come later in your life) burden you, you will just be weighing yourself down from the spirit out - and that will lead to disaster for yourself.

    There have been good things said here already. I just have a few verses to toss in.

    To not forgive as our Lord commanded, you are making yourself a slave to what is not good. "Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey--whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?" Romans 6:16.

    Jesus laid down how we are to handle these situations: "“If your brother or sisterb sins,c go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.16But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’d 17If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." Matthew 18:15-17.

    If you want to obey the Lord, you will need to forgive her. "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you." Matthew 6:14. You say though that you can't forgive her. Not one of us can really forgive anyone - we need to rely on the Strength of our Dad to do that...for we are just branches, but He is the Life Vine! And He will be our will and Strength to forgive! "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13.

    And remember to see this as it is...not something that has gone wrong and shouldn't have happened, but as an opportunity from your Lord! :) "Who is [c]there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good?14 But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you [d]are blessed. And do not fear their [e]intimidation, and do not be troubled,15 but [f]sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a[g]defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and [h]reverence;16 [i]and keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame. For it is better, if [h]God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong." 1 Peter 3:13-17.

    But you know what? Thanks for coming here and being brave enough to post this - and how you really feel! Do the same with God....and the Shepherd will lead you out of this and back to walking with Him! :)
  9. We get hurt most of the time by those closest to us... one thing we do forget, not all the time thank God, is that we are not on earth to put on a show for others, we are here on earth to live our lives in honour of our Father and Creator God, to obey the commandment of our Lord Jesus the Christ and to listen to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Does it matter if the other apologizes or not...? Are we legalistic that in the OT the Jews demanded a pound of flesh...? It matters not what the other does against us for it is us that matter what we do in obedience to our Lord and God... <><
  10. are you biting the disingenuous legalistic apple too ???
    if we do not forgive others .. that means our hearts are rotten tomatos ..
    therefore your repentance is done with a rotten tomato heart ..

    Mat 6:15 “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.
  11. Actually no... i do not expound legalistic ways, what i said is that what the other person does or does not do is not of matter to us in our spiritual healing, what matters is that we forgive the other's transgression so that we in turn we forgive ourselves also. If the other does not want to forgive us does it affect our hearts...? No... it may hurt that the other does not accept our forgiveness nor forgives us but we are cleansed of the sin of revenge which our Lord specified not to seek. Revenge comes in many forms either by having the other repay us for the wrong or for the other to suffer for their wrong toward us, either one our Lord said not to seek, and if this person does not want to forgive by apologizing it matters not for as long as we are forgiving them our hearts are in the right place with God.

    Are we on earth to seek that the other will bow down and humble themselves to us everytime there is an injury to us ...? That is revenge, and we are not here on earth to go against God's will but to do His will and His will is to be at peace with ourselves and with others, not an easy task for sure, but one that thru our Lord's example we should emulate and try to do... not all will apologize and make others understand they did us wrong, but we must guard our heart not to seek revenge but to seek peace.
  12. That's what turning the left cheek is. Christianity is upside reasoning to the world :ROFLMAO:. God expect us to love others and then some.

    Every post here has pretty much nailed it. The scripture I feel you need to meditate on is:

    Rom 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

    Matt 1821-24 Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

    Luke 6:33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.
    Tressa and RosaVera say Amen and like this.
  13. Hello Pancakes and I hope you don't mind me posting, I am a newbie. There been many times I've given people advice on this subject and it tend to be the same each time. People tend to judge us because we give them the permission which it seems you've already realized which is good, we are to humble ourselves one before the other but we're not there to enable an individuals behavior. Jesus said that if our friend sin against us, we rebuke them and if they repent forgive them. We are to tell the individual their wrong in the love of the Lord but we only forgive when the individual repents, the person needs to know their wrong and it's all part of fellowship. You did mention this individual is in a high position? Then go to the senior Pastor and tell them what's been happening, a Pastor is there to deal with these kind of issues and if you were in my assembly, I'd want to know so I could go and deal with the problem. I hope this comment has been okay, a little difficult when you don't know the situation fully so I hope you test all things in the light of the Lord's Spirit, ask him and he'll lead you to do the right thing....
    vengaturreino likes this.
  14. Hi! I want to second your comment as I think it's important. The Bible gives us practical advice about how to remain in honest fellowship with our Christian brothers and sisters and, as you have said, this requires we speak to the person bravely about what has upset us. First we need to address them individually, then involve others if they don't respond. Often people don't repent because they have no idea at all that they hurt someone. Helping them to open their eyes and see what they have done is a loving thing, as it gives them the opportunity to bow down before the cross, and will bring real healing to your relationship too. I think sometimes we focus too much on forgiving silently rather than speaking up honestly to the person who has hurt us. Forgive, of course. But forgiving isn't saying that what they did was ok or that you should remain quiet. As well as a God of love and mercy, our Almighty God is a God of justice.
  15. I was reading the book of Revalation the other day and came upon Chapter 2 Verse 4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Now, being that it was a study Bible, the verse was a little lost on me, but the explanation off to the side was of a much bigger help. The question asked in what way did the believers forsake their first love? It went on to explain how the believers "became better at fighing error rather than loving one another and, by implication, loving God."

    That explanation has stuck with me. I have been struggling with similar issues. But, using this explanation from Rev 2:4, I have discovered that I have been focused on the error being made and attempting to correct it, rather than the forgiveness of the error that has been made. Focus on forgiving and you will become stronger in your ability to do so. If you continue to focus on the wrong-doing, you are letting Satan control your thoughts by not focusing on what YOU know you should focus on. And not only will your ability to forgive grow, so will your relationship with God. And as it grows, others will see it too and will grow closer to God BECAUSE OF YOU.

    Personally, I would (mentally) thank that person for the wrong-doing that you fealt. I feel that it makes you a stronger person to know that it was a wrong-doing and allows you to grow as an influence to others by *hopefully* not committing the same wrong-doing to others. Learn from it, use it, and be thankful for it.
  16. I think there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
    The first step in reconciliation is the acknowledgement of wrong. If people don't acknowledge wrong there can be no reconciliation. When we aren't reconciled with people, it does change the way we relate to them, and I treat people differently depending on whether or not I'm reconciled with them. I try not to treat them badly, but I unless trust is rebuilt, I won't trust them.

    Forgiveness is different. We are commanded to forgive, and it is a goal we need to have. It is easier to do when the other acknowledges wrong, but, as you've experienced, it doesn't always happen.

    My belief is that God models this. He has forgiven all sins (because of Jesus' death), but until we acknowledge our wrong, then we aren't reconciled with God.
  17. Hello and thanks for that. yes I believe Jesus gave us more than one way to deal with these kind of situations which are often more easily said than done. The one I like is "go to your brother and tell to him alone, if he doesn't listen take a brother/sister and if he still wont listen, take it before the church (pastor/elder). That way of doing things is easier if it's something a local assembly practices and taking it before the Pastor would be the last resort but i think the important thing is Jesus does actually teach conflict resolution and if we do follow his word, he'll honor it and prepare the way. I think the worrying thing is if we leave the people we are supposed to love unchallenged and therefore enabling their destructive ways. God bless, nice to be on a forum where Christians like to agree and be respectful....
    vengaturreino likes this.
  18. Its hard bc she keeps doing it, and i feel if i just ok her behaivor... then it gives her andothers ppermission to walk over me.

    Idk, my faith is almost nonexistent. ..
    Thnx snyway guys.
  19. It's because you're putting your faith in humans instead of God. Jesus prayed on the cross "Father forgive them, they know not what they do." We have to have the same towards others because they don't know what they're doing either. Faith is putting your trust in someone or something. Put your faith in God, not man, and your faith will grow. Faith is a gift from God.
    autumn oddity likes this.
  20. #20 KingJ, Mar 6, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2014
    You have a right to self defence and must not cast pearl before swine. These two with turning the left cheek need to be considered and applied to every scenario of abuse.

    Mostly we need to just turn the left cheek and shower them with love Rom 12:20 On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.

    She / others should know you are a Christian. Even though insults may feel personal they are 99.9% at Jesus. You are dead. Your self confidence doesn't come from what others say or do but from God and His word.

    Read Olivia's thread ;)

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