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How do you forgive yourself?

Discussion in 'Biblical Advices' started by jmb257, Jul 25, 2007.

  1. How do you forgive yourself?

    I got divorced in January of 2006. It was mainly my fault. I was stubborn... I almost feel like something kept blocking me from my true feelings... all I remember feeling is, I want out. We had some issues...perhaps they could have been fixed but I wouldn't even try. I moved 3000 miles away and insisted divorce.

    I was unfaithful and I couldn't face what I had done.

    Anyway, here I am over a year later and I can't go to sleep at night remembering all of the pain that I caused. He is now remarried with a child on the way. We have not spoken since the day he got married. He said he forgave me.... but he still says hurtful things to others.

    I just can't seem to forgive myself. I feel as though I won't be forgiven by God and I am afraid to remarry. I don't want to be the cause of the person I marry being an adulterer according to the Bible.

    I am so tired of carrying around this pain. I have asked God to take it from me... I have to clear my mind every night and it takes me hours before I can sleep. I feel like Satan just feeds me all of the awful things I have done over and over... I don't know how to beat it.

    I hate myself for what I have done in the past. How could I have caused all of that pain and become so completely blinded... numb to it???

    I was such a strong Christian at that time... and I fell directly into temptation, it destroyed my life.
  2. I hope this is helpful to you~

    One of the greatest cases of adultery is found in the story of David and Bathsheba. David was an important man, "a man after God's own heart" (Acts 13:21-22). But David was not a perfect man, as no man can be. He had problems and one of those problems was lust for Bathsheba. While walking on the roof of the king's palace, David spotted a beautiful woman bathing. He inquired about her, and even though it was made known that she was the wife of another man, Uriah the Hittite, he lay with her. After it became known that she was pregnant, he did what he could to have her husband lie with her to cover his sins. He committed adultery, but as we see later in the book of 2 Samuel, he was forgiven of his sins. The Lord sent Nathan to tell David of his evil deed relating to him a story (see 2 Samuel 12:1-5). When Nathan finished the story, David was furious with the man concerned. Yet when Nathan said "Thou art the man", David finally understood the gravity of his sin. Could he have expected forgiveness? He had condemned himself to death according to verse 5, but we are told in 2 Samuel 12:13-14, "And David said unto Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die." The Lord put away the sin of David. He forgave him. Will he not also forgive us?

    In John 8:1-11, the apostle John records that Jesus had come into the temple and was teaching. As He was teaching the Scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery, taken in the very act. They tested Him saying "Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned, But what do You say?" Jesus made a clear point in saying "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first." When all of her accusers had left, being convicted of their own sin, He asked the woman "Where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?" When she answered "No one, Lord", He said to her "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more." The Lord forgave her of the sin of adultery. Matthew 9:6 tells us He had the power to do so. If Jesus was willing to not condemn this woman caught in the very act of adultery, would He not also be willing to forgive us our sins?
  3. I'd like to add that sometimes the hardest part is forgiving yourself but when we can know that God has forgiven us it can give us comfort and peace of mind!
    Bless you in your life~
  4. When I first read your post, I couldn't help but wonder if you were my ex-wife. Except, I've never seen any real remorse from her.

    It's hard. It's really, really hard. I won't lie to you. Perhaps you have had even more time to get over it than I have, but I know that it never really gets easier. When my wife first talked about leaving, it was a complete shock to me. Everything was supposed to be going good with us, we had talked about how great things were and wondered if anyone else was ever so close after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids. Then, I made several really big mistakes, the biggest one was shutting her out. So when she wanted to leave, not only did I do nothing to stop it, I actually ENCOURAGED it. Worse, after she left, and wanted to come back, I chased her away.

    I was hurt. I wanted to die. But my life has changed, a lot. Too late though. She had moved on. She is now involved with another man and will never come back. I rarely ever get to see my kids, so far it seems I get a few days every 6 months or so because she moved so far away.

    And it's hard for me. Because I know so much of it is my fault. It would have been so very easy for me to fix it, but I didn't even try. I was too much of a coward to stand up and beg her to come back.

    Rebuilding my life hasn't been easy. It was hard for me to forgive myself, because I never even blamed her for leaving. It is still hard sometimes when we talk and she just goes right back into blaming mode. But, I'm working on it daily. I know that blaming myself will only destroy the life I've managed to put back together. It will hurt those that I've grown close to. My friends and my family. People that I didn't even know a year ago.

    I have hope that someday, I'll be able to really forgive myself completely. But it's hard to live a life without remorse and not be cold hearted. It's part of our nature, but all we can do is pray and make it through just one more day. Every day, is just one more day.

    If you have truly repented, and laid your faults before God, He will forgive you. It doesn't take some great ritual or long babbling prayer. Just mean it. Sometimes it's harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others.
  5. Thank you

    Thank you for your responses... they have both helped me. Its nice to know what the Bible says... its good reassurance.. and its nice to know im not the only one feeling this way.

    It is so hard for me to believe all that had happened. Here I am 25 and divorced... I hate that. I feel so angry at myself sometimes for being so numb so cold.... I feel like I don't even know who that girl was. No, I don't want to be with him any more... but I just feel that things could have been different, stronger, I don't know... I am little by little letting it all go but its hard and it hurts. Most of all knowing what I did to him and the pain, the tears he cried... all because of me! All because I couldn't tell him what I had done in a drunken stuper on a cruise... Im so stupid for that.

    Then when he knew, he forgave me... but I refused the relationship and his forgiveness.... I told him that it would be selfish of me to be with him... I was afraid I would hurt him again and I wanted him to be with someone better than me...

    Ugggh.. anyway, thank you for your advice it does help.
  6. God has forgiven you though. So now you do need to forgive yourself. I have not been in your situation though, so I won't try to pretend how it must feel. But we have all done stupid things in our life. God gives us forgiveness if we truly repent.
    My only suggestion is just dive into your Bible. Whenever I have had hard times that has always helped me. And I have found the brothers and sisters on this forum are always here to give good advice.
  7. The musician in me thinks this:
    Garth Brooks song, the dance, has a wonderful illustration of life in it. He says our lives are better left to chance, while that's not biblical if you change the word chance to unknown, it is biblical. If we knew how to dodge the pain we would also miss the dance. I hope you know the song, otherwise this will make no sense.

    But it's true. The process of living has painful times right there with the good times. Life is a journey, Garth calls it a dance. But it's not to be missed, even though some of it is going to be pain. Some of it will be self caused. some of it will be out of our control. God forgives quickly any self caused pain, actually the very second we confess it in brokenness.

    Just keep dancing, there is a lot of life yet to experience.
    Stay on the journey, and remember the joy.
    God bless you on your journey.
  8. Many years ago I was with a friend in a large public place. I told him that I could not forgive myself for something I had done. I had confessed it to God and apologised to the person I had wronged. I knew that 1 John 1:9 says if we confess our sins God forgives. I explained that I knew God had forgiven but my problem was forgiving myself.
    My friend stood up and then started bowing to me.
    People started looking.
    He spoke loudly saying "Join me this man claims to have higher standards than God Himself. God has forgiven him but he can't forgive himself"
    He used it as an opportunity to share the message of forgiveness in Christ.
    I have never forgotten that lesson. Yes I must learn from my mistakes and not repeat them.
    Yes my confession and repentance must be genuine.
    But having done that sincerely and genuinely then if God forgives me how dare I not forgive myself.
  9. Hello jmb257,
    I think that the first step is being honest with ourselves as you seem to be doing. I too have dome some serious sins and hurt many others. I have had to wrestle with self forgiveness as well and I can tell you that nothing can heal this except accepting that the past is just that and it is forgiven once we confess it in brokenness. Not brokenness over what we have lost, but what we have done to the Lord. It may take a little time but it will come if you allow it.
    I would suggest that you use this experience as a way to teach others to not do what you have done. Be as honest and open as you have here and call them to obedience rather then self will. Being able too use our failings to advance the kingdom of God is a great healing process.
    You mentioned that your ex has forgiven but says some hurtful things. Let them go! You have asked forgiveness so pray for his healing and let it drop. You can do nothing more.
    One more thing. You said this;

    "I feel as though I won't be forgiven by God and I am afraid to remarry"

    First you have to believe God that He has forgiven you IF you have truly confessed this with regret towards Him for your sin. Second, and I am going to be blunt, but you are not permitted to re-marry according to scripture. I am in the same condition so I do not speak as one not understanding your plight. However I can tell you that the Lord will give you peace if you truly surrender to this. Go here and listen to the messages and they will show you what God wants for you.
    God bless


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