How do Widows/Widowers Cope?

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bobinfaith

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Hello brothers and sisters;

I have family who are widows and widowers. I know some of our members have lost their spouses.

How have you coped since the day you lost your spouse and how are you doing today? Have some decided to remain single and not marry again, or pray whether God leads you to get married again?

Aside from Scriptures, I would like to learn from your heartfelt experience of loss of your married spouse.

I thank God daily for my wife of 38 years but am also prepared should the Lord take one of us suddenly or from a buildup of illness or handicap.

Praying and preparing for this is one thing but the reality that my spouse and I will one day no longer be together is my question. I don't know how I can process the mourning.

I would love to know your experience or thoughts only if you feel like sharing. I feel it could minister to others and well as myself.

God bless you all and thank you.

Bob
 
Being twice a widow has its many daily struggles and challenges no matter how much time has passed. Sometimes a trigger as insignificant as a scent, or a song will still make me cry. Its a lifelong process now, as the scars remain upon my heart without them. These days I feel Ive lived a complete life. I spoil myself with being able to do as I please, and not have to think of a significant other. Our Father can take me at anytime, and Im content with that thought process. Ive done everything Ive wanted to do. Life is good, but heaven would be much better. I find Im exhausted from the physical pain of ankylosing spondylitis.
 
bobinfaith said:
How have you coped
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this is a good question over the years i ve seen sudden unexpected death . a lady whose husband died unexpectedly of a massive heart Attack out in California he was a truck driver . it tore the family up took while to heal. my wife dad died in his sleep bad health iam sure he prayed for this .. my mother n law still lives in a state of despair she took care of him even in good health she made sure he had what he wanted. i have often thought if i could get folks interested a type of group for those who lost spouses a support group. they could talk among themselves grief is tough ive seen alot sisters brothers children . i did a funeral for guy younger than me. i tried offer hope at the end of the service .where the family says good bye i watched the mother bend over the casket running her fingers through his hair. that was tough .

i honestly dnt know how well i would do in this case
 
forgiven61 ... Your idea of a support group for people dealing with grief from loss of a spouse is a WONDERFUL thing. I hope that it takes off into a real thing. I have noticed that people seem to be getting more "feeling alone and lonely" even though they are surrounded with constant distractions.
 
There are many grief counselling groups, and therapies available. I participated in a group setting for months.
However, for me that was not the answer. Hearing the struggles of others made my depression even worse.
It was because so many had been going for years, and unable to let go of their grief like it was all they had.
Processing my emotions in my own time, with the support of close friends/family is what helped me most.
I still participate in a small Christian support group, but one that is not grief based.

Understand that we never get over the loss of a spouse, and need lots of time to grieve. Grieving is very important to moving on.
Without that complete process, I find so many widow/widowers make many mistakes. A big one I see is getting married again quickly.
I see the financially vulnerable and lonely preyed upon, and it has not been a pretty sight.
 
thenami said:
Being twice a widow has its many daily struggles and challenges no matter how much time has passed. Its a lifelong process now, as the scars remain upon my heart without them. Life is good, but heaven would be much better. I find Im exhausted from the physical pain of ankylosing spondylitis.
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forgiven61 said:
this is a good question over the years i ve seen sudden unexpected death i have often thought if i could get folks interested a type of group for those who lost spouses a support group. they could talk among themselves grief is tough ive seen alot sisters brothers children. i honestly dnt know how well i would do in this case
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In Awe of Him said:
I have noticed that people seem to be getting more "feeling alone and lonely" even though they are surrounded with constant distractions.
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thenami said:
There are many grief counselling groups, and therapies available. I participated in a group setting for months. However, for me that was not the answer. Hearing the struggles of others made my depression even worse. Understand that we never get over the loss of a spouse, and need lots of time to grieve. Grieving is very important to moving on. Without that complete process, I find so many widow/widowers make many mistakes. A big one I see is getting married again quickly.
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Hello thenami, forgiven and In Awe of Him;

Thank you for your post experiences and thoughts. These are important not only for me, but for those who are dealing with grieving or the thought of "how do I cope" with the loss of a spouse.

When my Mom passed 21 years ago, I knew she was saved, forgiven and ready. But after Mom's funeral I was in denial and kept on focusing on my wife, Church and work. I ended up going to counseling and after opening up to him (he is still one of my mentor pastors) he told me, "Bob, you're not taking the time to grieve, man." That really sunk in and it paid off.

It was not too late to grieve but I had to get my priorities straight. In time God got me through the process of my Mom's death. But this is different from coping should my wife go ahead to the Lord before I do.

I don't know if a group setting is the way to go. I hope to get the support of family and friends but at the end of the day I hope I can cope on my own after living with my spouse even while dealing with my health as I get older.

I do embrace everyday we are together, when we argue, enjoy being together and thank God each day.

The reason why I wanted to share is I officiate funerals and many of them are unprepared at the reality of a spouse losing their beloved. It began to make me think. If I was 27 years old I would have been thinking about other things when I first met my wife. She was barely 26 then.

God bless you all and would still love to hear more from you or others who can relate.

Bob
 
bobinfaith said:
Thank you, forgiven;

It would be a support group that I would keep open and consider.
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I really don't think everyone is a group person.... I am NOT a group person... Through out the decades of my depression... It was often recommended that I go to group.... and I never did... When I was hospitalized for depression... we had to do GROUP sessions and it was a joke... and not much fun. SO.... all that to say... I think it's a personal thing. The main thing is certainly to allow ourselves to FEEL the pain...Time does have a way of making pain into manageable memories. But it takes time... and it cannot be rushed. My little two cents worth....or maybe that was even a nickle's worth. HA.
 
Everyone reacts on their own way. We should all be allowed to choose our own way of grieving.
Some people would benefit from a bereavement group, others would benefit from a one to one counselling, others prefer to go it alone.
My mother died 2-1/2 weeks before Christmas and my husband died 5 weeks later. I was distraught. The two people I was closest to were taken away and I felt like an orphan, even though I was 54 (23 years ago wow!). My daughter had a complete nervous breakdown and became acute paranoid Schizophrenic, so I had to keep strong for her and so I had to grieve alone. God got me through it all.

There are different stages of grief. You have to get through them all to recover properly. Just don't get stuck in.one of these stages.
Everyone is different and some people take a short time, some people a long tine.

I have spoken to many widows and widowers they are all different. You can't use a book. It is important to be good to people while they are still alive. Talk to people who can feel your pain. Someone who will really listen.
God Bless
 
Cosia said:
Everyone reacts on their own way. We should all be allowed to choose our own way of grieving.
Some people would benefit from a bereavement group, others would benefit from a one to one counselling, others prefer to go it alone.
My mother died 2-1/2 weeks before Christmas and my husband died 5 weeks later. I was distraught. The two people I was closest to were taken away and I felt like an orphan, even though I was 54 (23 years ago wow!). My daughter had a complete nervous breakdown and became acute paranoid Schizophrenic, so I had to keep strong for her and so I had to grieve alone. God got me through it all.

There are different stages of grief. You have to get through them all to recover properly. Just don't get stuck in.one of these stages.
Everyone is different and some people take a short time, some people a long tine.

I have spoken to many widows and widowers they are all different. You can't use a book. It is important to be good to people while they are still alive. Talk to people who can feel your pain. Someone who will really listen.
God Bless
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This is such a beautiful writing Cosia.... and it is the TRUTH.
 
Comforting widows in their distress..is not easy.
I think its different for each widow whether they go for counselling, a support group, or find something therapeutic to do (often hobby, maybe gardening?). Funerals are a way to grieve but also think of lasting legacy afterwards where you need to give away what the person had, or carrying on where they left off.

Think of Jesus when his cousin John the baptist died (was beheaded!) he went away alone to pray. Its not mentioned about his earthly dad but it did seem like Mary was alone later on and he had to help her out, and being firstborn of the family it was on his shoulders. This also may have led to Jesus taking on what John did but baptising people spiritually. And also remember the holy ghost was with John in the womb but then Jesus was sending the helper on afterward. The Holy Ghost (or Holy Spirit) is the comforter!

Didn't Queen Victoria spend years in mourning when her husband passed away, it was the thing to wear black widows weeds and not see anyone.

Ruth and Naomi were both widows. They went gleaning. Ruth eventually found another husband. Naomi was happy when she had a grandson. Naomi's grief was so much that she changed her name to Mara meaning bitter. It also meant she wanted Ruth to grab every opportunity!

I think pets are good for widows and also being around children/babies for some as they are reminders that life renews itself.
 
Cosia said:
Everyone reacts on their own way. We should all be allowed to choose our own way of grieving. Some people would benefit from a bereavement group, others would benefit from a one to one counselling, others prefer to go it alone.
My mother died 2-1/2 weeks before Christmas and my husband died 5 weeks later. I was distraught. The two people I was closest to were taken away and I felt like an orphan, even though I was 54 (23 years ago wow!). My daughter had a complete nervous breakdown and became acute paranoid Schizophrenic, so I had to keep strong for her and so I had to grieve alone. God got me through it all. There are different stages of grief. You have to get through them all to recover properly. Just don't get stuck in.one of these stages. Everyone is different and some people take a short time, some people a long tine. I have spoken to many widows and widowers they are all different. You can't use a book. It is important to be good to people while they are still alive. Talk to people who can feel your pain. Someone who will really listen.
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Lanolin said:
Comforting widows in their distress..is not easy. I think its different for each widow whether they go for counselling, a support group, or find something therapeutic to do (often hobby, maybe gardening?). Funerals are a way to grieve but also think of lasting legacy afterwards where you need to give away what the person had, or carrying on where they left off. I think pets are good for widows and also being around children/babies for some as they are reminders that life renews itself.
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Hey Cosia and Lanolin;

I appreciate what you shared and everyone who read this who can relate and be encouraged.

God bless you both.

Bob
 
I've seen widows be requited with their grown children looking after them and staying with them but also some widows their children don't want to live with them. They then move into retirement villages or rest homes to be around other widows. If they on their own, they have some thing that gets them out of the house each week, or join social groups.
Some of them go flatting again, like 'The Golden Girls' or stay in apartments because their home with their spouse is too big or got too many memories. Also depends on how well off their spouse was maybe they left them everything, but if they left them bad debt etc that would be tougher untangling finances.

I think at least have the conversation with your spouse so you know their final wishes etc. Some spouses do say to their other half yes you can marry again! And even choose or recommend their future partner for them.

The couple that are unequally yoked ie one is a believer and the other isn't, are a bit awkward. One going up and one going down. But I guess if you choose to go separate ways, it's only like in the Bible, one taken, the other is left. Sometimes I wonder if there is ever going to be a couple that die together bar some kind of disaster. When you marry you know death will part you because that's in the vow. So enjoy the time you do have together as much as you can?!
 
Lanolin said:
I've seen widows be requited with their grown children looking after them and staying with them but also some widows their children don't want to live with them. They then move into retirement villages or rest homes to be around other widows. If they on their own, they have some thing that gets them out of the house each week, or join social groups. Some of them go flatting again, like 'The Golden Girls' or stay in apartments because their home with their spouse is too big or got too many memories. Also depends on how well off their spouse was maybe they left them everything, but if they left them bad debt etc that would be tougher untangling finances. I think at least have the conversation with your spouse so you know their final wishes etc. Some spouses do say to their other half yes you can marry again! And even choose or recommend their future partner for them. The couple that are unequally yoked ie one is a believer and the other isn't, are a bit awkward. One going up and one going down. But I guess if you choose to go separate ways, it's only like in the Bible, one taken, the other is left. Sometimes I wonder if there is ever going to be a couple that die together bar some kind of disaster. When you marry you know death will part you because that's in the vow. So enjoy the time you do have together as much as you can?!
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Hello Lanolin;

You wrote a nice post. It made me think of two widows, 95 and 83 who both still live in their own homes and are blessed because their homes are paid off.

I called our first friend during Christmas and I was concerned during the Holidays that she is all alone each day. But she told me she is blessed because her closest nieces and nephews check up on her weekly and during December drove 45 minutes to her home and picked her up so she could stay with them. They suggested she sell her home of 60 years, bank it and live with family. She politely declined. Her home has so many memories of her husband and only son, both who passed away.

Our other friend and her late husband sold their home in South San Francisco and bought a new, smaller home in a smaller neighborhood about 24 years ago. Her sons and family travel to see her often and have asked her to move in with one of them. She too refused because this is where her husband and her enjoyed the rest of his retirement days and cherish the memories in her home.

Grown up children want the best for their parents as they get older but the truth is, elderly parents still enjoy their independence, are still open to learning new things and are diligent in finding the resources and help when it comes to going to the doctor, buying groceries and more while they enjoy their golden years.

God bless you, sister.
 
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