How do I retreat from Evil, when it's my mother?

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by Leener, Sep 11, 2014.

  1. I know the Bible says we shouldn't engage with evil as they will try to trip us up and separate us from God, but my mother is the one who does this. I believe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I have done a lot of research on it. I have had a very difficult relationship with her since childhood, and I always thought I was the problem. This is because she told me this, that I am somehow broken and unlovable. I grew up believing this.

    My relationship with her has been the most stressful and difficult relationship of my life. The issue has grown more complex now, because my husband and I recently moved my mother and father to our city in order to help care for them. My father especially needs care, as he is elderly and in poor health. He has both physical and cognitive issues. My mother won't take care of him, even though she is fairly strong and alert for someone her age. She won't care for him, because she wants all the attention to be about her (as is typical of true narciassists).

    I won't bore you with details except to say it's been a constant roller coaster for months. I'll think things are fine and then suddenly she will start calling and sending me very hurtful, mean texts telling me God is going to punish me for not being a good daughter, that I am evil, a witch, etc. She completely controls my father, so I can't communicate with him without her permission. He is terried of her and a classic enabling father. He is wasting away and has lost a lot of weight because she won't even fix him meals.

    It finally got so bad that is was affecting my marriage and my job, so I found a Christian counselor who has experience with NPD. My first session with her is tomorrow. But I don't know how much longer I can go on dealing with my mother's abuse. It absolutely crushes me. I wish I could find the right words to explain the impact it has on me and my life. And she keeps doing it. She will apologize (usually just an I'm sorry by text message) but she doesn't repent; it will happen again a few days later. She will say the most vicious and cruel things. She will bring up things that happened years ago, and she will lie and distort things. She lies with abandon. She doesn't seem to undestand the difference between the truth and a lie. I can't believe some of the things she says are coming from my mother. I truly think she is evil. She also uses God as a way to manipulate me, because she knows I'm a Christian. She keeps throwing up "Honor thy Father and thy Father."

    The other day she sent me a text saying "God is watching" and then another saying when I meet my maker, He will punish me for how I am abusing my parents. This was because the guy we pay to mow their lawn didn't come over on the day she wanted him to come! I told her he was probably coming the next day, and she went into a narcisstic rage and sent me a dozen texts and called and left voicemails. She even called my husband at work and interrupted an important meeting he is in.

    Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. I am just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this. I feel a responsibility to take care of her and my father, but she is so mean and cruel. What should I do?
  2. Hi Leener, I know what it's like to have a narcissistic parent because my dad is a shining example of what your mom is. Anyways I would say that you should put your dad in a home if he needs help and I wouldn't interact with your mother at all. She is a toxic individual and has proved she isn't going to change and is only going to continue to emotionally abuse you. Unfortunately your dad is an enabler and idk how you can possibly make a good relationship with your parents. Maybe i'm totally off, but that is just my opinion. I'm sorry for what you're having to go through, hopefully your counselor can give you some good advice. I'll be praying for you.
    autumn oddity likes this.
  3. sorry but i can only imagine....

    I can also imagine, all of us, all men and women, we were all children once, playful children….

    Yeah, seems when we were children we only think about ourselves, what we need, what we want….

    Not realizing how our parents tries their best how those needs are met…

    Not that am saying it's your turn now... : )

    What I mean is: we don't judge a child for being a child then?

    We just do what we can do... and I believe we as those who put our faith in Jesus Christ, can do a lot...
  4. I understand what you are saying, Aha. But this didn't just happen in my childhood. I am middle-aged and it has been this way my entire life.
  5. Oh my goodness... my dad is just the same, just toned down a bit.

    I did that same search a while back and im certain he has it...
    I can see it in the way he treats my brother: he said and things to him only a 7 yr old brother would do..but doesnt!

    But its alright bc 1) i forgave my dad..and that was a weight lifted..a big part that helps is that, he stopped being mean to me.. instead of just saying sorry and doing it again..

    ..but i think its important to keep in mind, theyre struggling with something mental. Internal conflicts are always the hardest and loneliest do pray for her.

    2) an apostle has told me that salvation is coming to my home, my parents basically since my brother and I are already saved. ( just look at God's big picture, youre saved for a reason,so you can touch others, like your mom.

    3) alot of times you have to seperate yourself from people that are toxic to you...but you can love them from afar and thats still okay. It might just win your mom over, it did for Joyce's dad.
  6. I am a man of family, I firmly believe without family you are nothing....

    But when a family member is bad/evil, it is so difficult to come to terms with - I honestly know how you're feeling because I indeed have gone through the same with my Dad.

    My heart always believed he'd change but my head eventually understood that he wouldn't.

    People that take good people for granted will eventually get what they deserve if they keep it up - which is nothing.

    I don't see him anymore, nor does the rest of my family - bizarrely I've heard through the grapevine that we are at fault for him losing everything, see people like that lie to themselves are afraid of the truth and in the end they lose the good people around them.

    He didn't even go to his mothers funeral because he couldn't face us.

    I pray for people like that - but I won't be around them until they somehow change.
  7. Here's what I see fit: She mentions the Bible ("God will punish you for being bad, honor thy mother and father..."). Just tell her what the Bible actually says.

    I would probably do it in an email, text, or letter.
  8. I would say stop trying to communicate with her via technology. Go over and have a heart to heart with her.
    Abdicate likes this.
  9. Sorry to read of your plight. I am not up on the law, but I expect that your mother's wishes overrule any rights you may have concerning your father's welfare. You said your father has cognitive issues, so he probably can't sign a guardianship agreement giving you the power to place him in care regardless of your mother's consent. I'm guessing she would not agree? In any event, you should seek legal advice on how best to see to your dad's care.
    As for the rest of the abuse you personally are suffering, I can't say any clever words to you just that you do know that the Lord loves you and will carry you through this storm. As for your mom, you say she is evil, but this sickness is not an expression of her evil, rather this sickness is expressing its evil through her. Jesus loves her as well and will deliver her from all evil at the right time...believe that He will save her.
  10. Honoring means to be giving the proper respect and care....

    Think of this for a minute... You said in the OP that you recently moved your mother and father from another place where they were living to near you.... It's not at all uncommon for people to go sort of "Crazy" around a big life change like this - even to very good people....

    This is very traumatic for some people... There are long established "Support networks" of friends, neighbors, doctors, and church members who were previously filling up holes... Your family members were in set routines that were like comfortable old shoes.... Now - that's changed...

    See... Remember - for YOU - it's much easier... You don't have to travel so far out of your way... You don't have to pick up and disrupt your life when you want to go help out at Mom's house...

    but for THEM - it's much harder and confusing... The lawn guy they trusted is gone... The house fixing guy they trusted is gone... The doctors they had are gone.... The neighbors who took care of things are gone... The friends and church members they talked to all the time are gone.... Things are turned upside down and they are going nuts.

    Please don't take this as throwing rocks at you... That's not my aim... I am not trying to make you feel guilty.... As a care giver - you are responsible for them, and frequently that means making hard decisions like this. You did the right thing... Now, there are some consequences that must be dealt with.

    I just want you to understand that this sort of behavior is one of the predictable consequences.... It's an expected outcome that frequently comes as a big surprise to folks... One of the biggest helps is getting those routines and relationships re-established in the new place... This will help them re-establish the balance in their lives - and give you a break in yours...

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