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How can I make things better?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Lostnowfound, May 21, 2009.

  1. How can I make things better?

    Hello all I'm new to these forums and I needed some advice. Me and my husband have been together for almost 3 yrs but have only been married about a month now. Our relationship is very good overall but I'm afraid that I have done some things that I am not proud of and that I know is hurting us. In the past I have done some snooping on him and have found some things that have made my trust in him fade a little. Because of this I have become over time Really suspicious of his motives? I want to Trust him completely but I feel as though he is ignorant to certain things. His job keeps him away most of the time from home. He is gone about 2 weeks or more at any given time. My issues are with him communicating with his ex's. In the past I have caught him talking to them and To me it seems like they want to rekindle something?Again I found this out through snooping. I could be wrong but IMHO I feel like you shouldn't stay friends with any ex.I am trying to make things better for us now. I don't want to think about the past or treat him bad. When I get Jealous I have a very bad temper. I just feel like there are so many things that am doing that might damage our marriage. I am always the one to start fights. He is a very passive person and always takes things in stride. I on the other hand I'm very aggressive by nature. I feel like I want to change for the better I want to be a more kinder and sweeter wife to my husband, and I can be for a time before I fall back into old habits of Being mean to him and criticizing him all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me but I want to change for the better and not ruin our marriage.I know that God can change me for the Better but it's so hard and I just keep falling back.
    My husband has always had contact on and off with his ex-girlfriend. At first I was fine with it, but it soon became apparent that she was reminiscing and was still interested in him. She cheated on her husband with my husband, before we got together so I thought that the fact that they kept in contact was a bad idea. I told him to stop talking to her and he agreed. but I later found out that he tried to call her one more time. Finally he stopped all communication with her. I suppose that this left me feeling insecure. Later on there was another incidence with another ex of his. Again I found out about it and he said he just wanted to inform her about his mothers passing. This women also seemed to be still interested in him. After i got upset he cut communications with this ex as well. So now we are married and I love him very much but I feel as though he has betrayed my trust somehow and at the same time I feel like I am lashing out subconsciously for this which is why I treat him bad sometimes. I am a christian and love God with all my heart and have tried to pray about this situation and for him to make a positive change in me.
  2. Hi Lostnowfound. :)

    It would appear to me, that both you and your husband had more than a few "issues" come up in the three years before you decided to get married.

    Did the two of you discuss your concerns with regard to his relationships with these other people prior to your wedding?
    Did you take any pre-marital classes or sessions prior to getting married?

    Those are a wonderful opportunities to look at your situation from a Christian and biblical perspective, so that you are both addressing these things from Gods Biblical guidelines.
    If not, I would personally recommend finding a Christian counselor, or your own pastor and getting assistance with this.

    Most pastors have years of training in these things and are very happy to help out. Besides, I don't even look at it as "help" so much as "natural". Your pastor is supposed to be the biblical expert, so it seems natural to me that he should be the one to help guide and direct Gods institution between the two of you! :)

    What stands out to me, from what you have said about your month long marriage now is, anger, a lack of trust, a great deal of suspicion, and jealousy.

    Combined with (as you said) a short temper, and a lack of respect, (snooping) and you have the potential for disaster.

    That is quite a little bit for a month long marriage to endure! :eek:

    You also have the potential for a glorious and life long healthy marriage.
    And that will come with honesty, communication, respect for one another, and especially, trust.

    I am happy to pray for you, and if I can help you understand what the bible has to say about marriage, or trust, or anything like that, I am happy to help.

    But please, contact someone (Not on an internet blog) but a person with some training in counseling who can privately and personally work with both of you on this marriage.
    Bring Christ into the relationship and involve Him in every decision.

    It is my opinion that a strong marriage, and a couple who are serious about a lifelong commitment will, (not might) seek professional guidance.

    You wouldn't invest a great deal of money in something without talking with a trained investment counselor, would you?

    So why invest in your life long marriage, without the advice and assistance of a professional biblical and marital expert! :groupray:
  3. Ride4theson, We did take premarital classes with my pastor before getting married and we discussed to some extent my issues. He also said I have some trust issues that I need to take care of and I plan on getting more counseling in the future.
  4. I'm glad to hear that.
    I just can't emphasize enough how important that is for anyone.

    Yes, trust is a major concern.
    When you said you were "snooping" that really worried me because I'm sure you can see, is an obvious indicator of a lack of trust.

    The GREAT news is, you have identified that, and you are willing to work with it.

    (That alone puts you in better shape than some couples I know who have been married for 10 years!) :D
  5. trust is the corner stone of any relationship.thinks you 2 need a serious talk about this.:)
  6. If the both of you are serious about this then the past needs to stay in the past. That includes not only worries about the past but contact with old flames as well. Anything less than that could be a recipe for trouble.
  7. hello
    It is hard to be a wife. I think there alot of us that have felt this same way sis, so don't beat yourself up for it. It does make it hard to trust whe you have those thoughts in the back of your mind nawing at you. But, think those thoughts are often that of the devil. He knows what he can use to ge to you, so he will use it. Keep praying, that is themain thing for both of you. St dow and have a open discussion without getting angry. Promise yourself that yiou will only talk about how you are feeling, no arguments.
    Let the LORD lead you in the discussion and see where it goes from there, blessings to you sis.


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