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How Can I Change This Mentality?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Liz2012, Oct 19, 2012.

  1. Just to introduce myself I'm a female and in my early twenties.
    I've saved myself for marriage and was just having a bit of difficulties with my perception of a mate.

    I really had hoped that I'd marry another virgin, but I know in my surroundings and being of an ethnic minority, I don't really have a great choice of partners. I appreciate that when people become saved in Christ, all things become new and the old life should not be judged, or held over heads.

    I've been considering a relationship with a man and we get on well, but we come from very different backgrounds, and he's done some things while walking with Christ which I'm finding it difficult to see past. Although currently he's really beginning to develop in Christ...I feel like if we were to indeed progress with the relationship, I'm the only one with something new to offer.

    For example:
    - My virginity, he's had intercourse with quite a few people (and it makes me nervous that I'll have to measure up against his previous partners)
    - He's lived with and gone on holiday with his partners
    - He's been unfaithful to his partners and has also lied to me on a few occasions

    etc... It's just I feel like he's the only one benefiting from me keeping myself and I'm just the prized virgin that he now wants to marry and settle down with (I really don't try to sound like I'm sitting on a high horse though).

    But I'd just really hoped that I could find someone similar, where we could experience many new things as a couple, travelling, living together etc...

    I know I now need to be realistic, and open to whatever God's plans are for my life but I'm not sure how to change my mentality. ..?

    P.s. We've know each other for a while >5yrs
  2. I'm not sure how being an ethnic minority necessarily reduces your "pool" of potential mates, unless you have the idea that interracial marriages are unacceptable before God, though I suppose there are possibly some cultural differences to be considered.

    I think you raise a number of interesting issues, which I may get around to addressing if time permits, but suffice it to say for now that I would not consider this guy a romantic prospect until he had time to mature in Christ and had demonstrated that maturity in his behavior over an extended period of time.
  3. Well, it's difficult to see this unless in the position, but it does reduce it somewhat. I'm open to other cultures/race relationship wise, but it is not very often I've found it's been reciprocated.
    The last person I got to know as a potential partner had a little trouble showing me to his family (his parents were "old fashioned", I'm not sure how else to translate it).
    It's things like that that make things more difficult.

    I think your proposal is a good idea. All in good timing I guess.
  4. What state do you live in? Tennessee maybe?
  5. I'm not going to say that people can't change but this type of behavior tends to stick with people throughout their life. I would find this to be intolerable.

    Perhaps you should slow down and consider your other options. If you can't trust someone then having a relationship with them is hard.
  6. Don't let race limit you! I'm mixed and I have had no issues. I also know many people that are in interracial marriages. There are other options out there.

    As far as the relationship you are in, lying is HUGE to me. Big red flag. Also, I understand wanting a virgin since you are. there are other virgins out there. You seem very uneasy about this relationship... listen to your feelings.
  7. I'm in a interracial marriage, it does come with it's cultural problems as we were raised completely different, but it's all good. I'm Indian and my lovely wife is Ukrainian.

    The issues you stated above hit me close to home. My wife had many more sexual partners than me before we came to Jesus. I was in a long relationship with one girl previously, where as she had different sexual one night stands. 2 years after we first started dating we had our previous relationships talk. It was extremely difficult and painful to go through, but what's done in the past can't be undone and unseen. Jesus did heal our hearts and we were able to get married years later and have our very first kiss at our wedding, and our very first sexual act together on our wedding night. Me and my wife dated for 4 years before we got married. We weren't able to give each other wholly as virgins to each other, but we were able to give each other the best purity we could.

    What I'm saying is, you've waited so long and your virginity is a gift to your future husband. Not only physically, but spiritually. You've worked hard to protect it. Your husband may not be a virgin, but he should be someone who has at least fought to protect his purity for a prolonged period of time. If he's quick and loose with it now, don't even let him be an option until/if he matures.

    Don't be discouraged. There are many others out there like you, that have been saving themselves for someone exactly like you.
    Euphemia likes this.
  8. Thank you all for the really kind and helpful replies!

    We did wait and let things progress and it has blossomed into a very wonderful thing.

    He seems very mature in the faith and has admitted even though he has engaged in acts, he always felt convicted every time. Before we talked about the prospect of dating, I found he had been celibate for a few years, and has maintained it since we've been getting to know each other.

    There's still some see-saw moments where just wish the connection could be unique to us, but I think refusing to let the past take presidence over the future is key and currently winning mentally.

    @ sweet pea, thanks... I understand there are other options, but guys from other races who I tend to be interested in don't really hold the same feelings towards myself lol.

    @ guitar_east, what a lovely combination! And glad you were able to relate and share some honest advice. As mentioned we took it slow and in that time it became apparent he was much more mature. Turns out he tried to hold on to his virginity also, and had always envisioned marrying and being with one person...but in short he gave up too soon, and began to believe the hype that there's no one left or people out there with a similar mindset.

    But glad of who he has become today and with God's help maintaining to view him and us in the present.
  9. Thats great to hear :)
  10. Welcome back from 2012! Glad to hear things are working out. Even though I live in America, my wife's family are ethnocentrics, which is something I have to constantly deal with.

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